Output list





albermund's (albermund on UKA) UKArchive
264 Archived submissions found.
Title
Stengu... (posted on: 06-12-13)
 

Stengu... ------- loved by us kids this kind and gentle ''don't hit your sister'' mister wonderful tale teller, toy maker painter, poet, glorious grandpa fun loving fisherman, golf club swisherman took us under his wing taught us all about nature shot rabbits and birds to have for our tea in his youth shot germans auto matically
Archived comments for Stengu...
Andrea on 07-12-2013
Stengu...
Oh lovely! Love the fisherman/swisherman. Wish I'd had a granddad like that - I never knew either of mine. Paternal one fought in both wars...

Author's Reply:
Wish I'd known him lots longer, A. My mum takes after him which is marvellous. Glad you appreciated. cheers Albert πŸ™‚
BTW two world wars is one hellova hellova thought. Really hope he got through to the end.

Bozzz on 07-12-2013
Stengu...
You have captured the innocence of a child beautifully...the piece hurts - as it should.....Bozzz

Author's Reply:
Nice one, Bozzz, Thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

pommer on 07-12-2013
Stengu...
Oh, what wonderful childish thoughts.My paternal granddad Was very similar to yours.your piece revives many memories.
Pommer.

Author's Reply:
Weren't we lucky. Glad it brought him back to you. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Mikeverdi on 08-12-2013
Stengu...
Yes I too liked the way this swept you back to yesteryear. Mike

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Mike. Glad you enjoyed the trip. Thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

gwirionedd on 13-06-2015
Stengu...
Ha ha ha! Brilliant, very well-written, smooth and funny. A top story for me. Love the fisherman/swisherman too.

I miss you, Albermund. Hope you come back soon.

Author's Reply:


The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig (posted on: 04-10-13)
 

The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig ------------------ swithering, dithering by the pharmacy counter some guy brushes past - requests ten packs of sexibreth - reeks rainbows of mintiness and something e                    l                   s                 e i think to myself - just gargle with salt water you eejit! and speed home to re-goorgle perhaps re-scrape my tongue...  
Archived comments for The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig
deadpoet on 04-10-2013
The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig
I think it is amazing just how many stupid things you can buy to smell better also at the pharmacy- all these things that are full of additives and crazy stuff. I agree wash out with salt water or make your own stuff. Even toothpaste is poisonous. Back to nature I say. Great poem and good layout.

Author's Reply:
cheers, deadpo. Glad you liked layout too. Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 04-10-2013
The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig
Tee hee.

And I am unanimous in that!

Author's Reply:
Your unanimousity is most welcome, Anders. πŸ™‚

Pelequin23 on 06-10-2013
The Coinci-dental Guinea Pig
eejit indeed lol

Author's Reply:
Hah! glad you concur, Pele πŸ™‚


Reflections (posted on: 23-09-13)
 

Reflections -------- kind and left left and kind there is only the one kind only the one kind one left in the house
Archived comments for Reflections
gwirionedd on 13-06-2015
Reflections
Dennis Skinner?????

Author's Reply:


when blondes go bad (posted on: 06-09-13)
 

when blondes go bad ---------- her smile it sucked my stomach in aroused my cheeks re-chiselled chin cranked up my hair took head for spin her smile it sucked my stomach in my tongue it twitched my tongue bewitched fun phrases formed to her were pitched when hey! press toe sunshine eclipsed dulled eyebrows clenched 'bove soldered lips her service smacked of micro chips sweet marilyn now gladys grimm no fairy tail for sunny jim.
Archived comments for when blondes go bad
gwirionedd on 13-06-2015
when blondes go bad
The first half is great... "Her smile sucked my stomach in" is very clever and original indeed. Also "took my head for a spin" is really good.

I think it loses it in the second half unfortunately. I don't really understand what's going on in the second half. I think it needs re-doing. But don't touch the first half!






Author's Reply:


Flickle (posted on: 30-08-13)
 

Flickle ----- I saved a bee from drowning: set it soft upon a flower went indoors, fingered flat a flea I don't know what came over me.
Archived comments for Flickle
Nomenklatura on 30-08-2013
Flickle
How flickle we all are! Flabulous!

Author's Reply:
Hah! cheers, Nomks πŸ™‚

Andrea on 30-08-2013
Flickle
I did the same with a butterfly the other day, fished it out of the pond. So the stupid thing dried its wings and flew right back in.

I'd squash a mozzie though, like your flea πŸ™‚

Nice

Author's Reply:
beautiful but bonkers. nice one, Anders πŸ™‚

Pronto on 02-09-2013
Flickle
Ah you're not a buddhist then?
Nice one

Author's Reply:
nope, am just one unimpredictable son of a gun. glad you liked, cheers Albert πŸ™‚

anth2014ed on 04-09-2013
Flickle
sorry this is not a comment, but could you provide permission for work to go in the Anth (see forums and FP)

Author's Reply:


Know-it-Al (posted on: 08-07-13)
 

Know-it-Al    ------- Knew for sure he'd blow it - Hasn't got the temperament just temper meant to fall flat flaced at flinal hurdle hit the turf and blurble πŸ˜‰
Archived comments for Know-it-Al
stormwolf on 08-07-2013
Know-it-Al
Well how lovely to see you back Albert! I have missed your always original and quirky style. πŸ˜‰
Enjoyed this
Alison x

Author's Reply:
THanks a lot storm. It's good to see that you're still around yourself. Us Als must keep the flag flying. cheers πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 08-07-2013
Know-it-Al
'Blurble' - lovely! Quirky is right - great to see you posting again πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers a lot, Andrea. This is such a great site to post blurble. A;)

Savvi on 08-07-2013
Know-it-Al
Hi Albermund, lovely word play very much enjoyed. S

Author's Reply:
Thanks Savvi. Delighted you liked. cheers, albert πŸ™‚


Bon Appetitio (posted on: 21-06-13)
 

Bon Appetitio ------- fatio catio plumped on patio contem plating minnie the mousio
Archived comments for Bon Appetitio
Corin on 21-06-2013
Bon Appetitio
Lol - Very cleveer rhyming:-)

Do you know this by Tolkein? :-

The fat cat on the mat
may seem to dream
of nice mice that suffice
for him, or cream;
but he free, maybe,
walks in thought
unbowed, proud, where loud
roared and fought
his kin, lean and slim,
or deep in den
in the East feasted on beasts
and tender men.

The giant lion with iron
claw in paw,
and huge ruthless tooth
in gory jaw;
the pard, dark-starred,
fleet upon feet,
that oft soft from aloft
leaps on his meat
where woods loom in gloom--
far now they be,
fierce and free,
and tamed is he;
but fat cat on the mat
kept as a pet,
he does not forget.

Dave

Author's Reply:
Ta lots. Poem is just wonderful. cheers albert:)

Andrea on 21-06-2013
Bon Appetitio
Hahaha, loved it πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
cheers Anders πŸ™‚

brianhanway on 21-06-2013
Bon Appetitio
Exquisite.

Author's Reply:
thks brian. πŸ™‚

e-griff on 21-06-2013
Bon Appetitio
I haven't read you for a while. Now I realise. I miss you!

Author's Reply:
That's a real nice compliment. ta vry much. Albert πŸ™‚

Bozzz on 22-06-2013
Bon Appetitio
My 9 year old grandson laughed, but the poem suited himio, not mio uow.... Bozzz

Author's Reply:
Ha! I'm real happy 'bout that. πŸ™‚


beerd (posted on: 19-10-12)
 

beerd ------ needed chin so grew a beard thought it worked but no-one cared shaved it off in fit of haste the barman asks me "why the short face?"  
Archived comments for beerd
roger303 on 19-10-2012
beerd
Love it.
Very clever.


Author's Reply:
Ta very much, rog. πŸ™‚

BATEMAN on 19-10-2012
beerd
Short and to the point (i dont mean your chin lol),
A very sweet little poem xxxx

Author's Reply:
ha (cheeky)cheers πŸ™‚

Weefatfella on 19-10-2012
beerd
Photobucket
Ha! whit can I say?
At least yie never fluffed it.
Thanks fur sharing.
Weefatfella.

Author's Reply:
cheers, weeflufffella πŸ˜‰

Ionicus on 19-10-2012
beerd
Welcome back Albert.
Hilarious. Loved the last line.

Author's Reply:
ta luigi. am glad. hope to really get back soonish. cheers albert πŸ™‚

Bozzz on 19-10-2012
beerd
Great and witty story. Vanity thy name is pride, but did the beer taste any different either way?

Author's Reply:
ha, london pride. very nice... with and without. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 20-10-2012
beerd
*Titters*

I like beerds though, probably 'cos my dear, departed pater always had one (and a pipe)

Welcome back, Al

Author's Reply:
Ha... perhaps a pipe would have relieved itch to shave off. cheers Anders πŸ˜‰


themQuaint (posted on: 10-09-12)
 

themQuaint --------- car parked two guys sat front fondle fingering iballs lingering the sun & mirror.  
Archived comments for themQuaint
Nomenklatura on 12-09-2012
themQuaint
Goodness Senyor Albermund,
damn' prolix at times aren't you?
I could have said as much in... oh... 10 words.
Ah.. I see, there are only nine here.

As always, esoteric, mysterious and sticks in the mind
like an ohrwurm.

regards
Ewan

Author's Reply:
Good there's folk around to pump me when I'm pooped. Nice one, Nomks. cheers, albert πŸ˜‰


arse about tit (posted on: 29-06-12)
 

arse about tit ------- the body is filling and the spirit is weak my exercise bike has collapsed in a heap.  
Archived comments for arse about tit
Texasgreg on 29-06-2012
arse about tit
Mine collapsed under the weight of jackets hung on it. Took it back for being defective. πŸ˜‰
Photobucket.
Greg πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hah... You'd look funny with big muscly legs, Tex. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 29-06-2012
arse about tit
A drop more of the ol' spirit might be just the ticket, Al...

Author's Reply:
I came, I saw and have been concurring, Anders πŸ˜‰


Ginny Sekwah (posted on: 22-06-12)
 

Ginny Sekwah --------- She was medium height just ripe and slim, clothes throttling skin, with dark curly hair that fitted neat as she roller skated down my street Last night we kissed she fitted sweet our rolling tongues tangled complete till morning light when dreams delete as she passed me by she rolled her eyes.  
Archived comments for Ginny Sekwah
Andrea on 24-06-2012
Ginny Sekwah
Hahaha, those naughty night-time dreams, eh?

Author's Reply:
it's what keeps me going , cheers Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 24-06-2012
Ginny Sekwah
Hello Mr. Albermund. A sadly overlooked little gem this one. She sounds magical. As is your poem.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
she certainly was, sunks. Ta vry much to both, Albert πŸ™‚

Texasgreg on 24-06-2012
Ginny Sekwah
Aye, it's the tequila. Dry spells and wet dreams tend to go hand-in-hand, LOL.



Really sweet poem-even better dream.

Good stuff!



Photobucket.



Greg πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
you sound an old hand, Tex. Ta for the empathy, Albert πŸ˜‰

ChairmanWow on 28-06-2012
Ginny Sekwah
The pain of unrequited love makes the requited stuff more fun when it (hopefully) arrives.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
ta for your message of hope, CW. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


Geeky Glasses (posted on: 11-06-12)
 

Geeky Glasses --------- Everyone's wearing geeky glasses they think they're cool with gravitasses designasaured for lads and lasses lacking false nose and moustaches.  
Archived comments for Geeky Glasses
Romany on 11-06-2012
Geeky Glasses
Love 'designasaured!'

Romany

Author's Reply:
Ta, R, glad to know it's appreciated πŸ™‚

Andrea on 12-06-2012
Geeky Glasses
'gravitasses' - *titters* brilliant πŸ™‚
Now where's Groucho?

Author's Reply:
Hah! thanks a lot for that, Anders (and for the marx) πŸ˜‰

Ionicus on 12-06-2012
Geeky Glasses
I always love your anarchic poems, Albert. Brilliant.

Author's Reply:
Cheers a lot, Luigi. πŸ™‚

Texasgreg on 13-06-2012
Geeky Glasses
My definition of brilliantly done on the funny short 'un.

Good stuff!
Texasgreg πŸ™‚ Photobucket.

Author's Reply:
Thanks very much, Tex (luv yer wee manny) πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 14-06-2012
Geeky Glasses
Great word play. Groucho would be proud.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Big praise indeed, CW. Must check out Youtube for some of his best bits. cheers πŸ™‚

CVaughan on 24-06-2012
Geeky Glasses

Loved the wordplay to borrow CW's phrase. A little gem I think one of sunk's. A good thing in a little package to borrow a clichΓ©. Agree with Luigi on rating. Frank

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, Frank and apologies for taking so long to acknowledge. It's always good to know that people can be bothered, cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Bye Bye... (posted on: 16-04-12)
 

Bye Bye... -------- lounging driver's seat pa's car door far ajar hot sweltering summer's day trying mesmerizing highway code head ache heart bleed      young blackbird overtake at breakneck speed.
Archived comments for Bye Bye...
Andrea on 17-04-2012
Bye Bye...
Poor birdie. Jess (sprog) found a blackbird in the road t'other day, with its head bashed in by a car. By the time he'd stopped, picked it up and laid it on the grass verge in prep to calling the animal ambulance (he's a bit of a softie) the poor thing had snuffed it. Mrs Blackbird was doing her nut, chirping and hopping all over the place - who was going to feed her chicks now? Oh, but nature is cruel, eh?

Author's Reply:
I was gutted, A, and years later am still gutted thinking about that poor birdie and it's folks. Hope your sprog always remains (a bit of a softie) A πŸ˜‰

ChairmanWow on 17-04-2012
Bye Bye...
Great focused imagery.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Cheers a lot, CW. rgds A πŸ™‚

sunken on 18-04-2012
Bye Bye...
I've always wondered how birds go on if they damage their wings. Do they end up having to walk everywhere. Bit if a come down. No pun intended. I often dream I can fly. I never get the hang if landing though and always wake up with a start. How start gets into my bed I'll never know. It's a disgrace. I'm talking shit again aren't I? I blame e numbers. Great work my good fellow. Good to see the nibbers recognising said fact.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
It's real good shit, sunks, as undoubtedly is Bernie's. Thanks both, as always, for your kind attentions. rgds Albert πŸ˜‰

brianhanway on 22-06-2013
Bye Bye...
Observant.

Author's Reply:
Ha! unlike birdie. twas a bummer though. Ta for checking out. Albert πŸ™‚


Edinburgh Zu (posted on: 06-04-12)
 

Edinburgh Zu pan da duo try an da pan da duo try; but no can duo
Archived comments for Edinburgh Zu
teifii on 06-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
Very funny.

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, t. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 06-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
They need more practice! very clever and funny. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Val. They're such cutie pies. Hope it all works out for them. Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 06-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
A good one, Albert.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, I. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 07-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
These pandas need to get busy. Fun word play in this one.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
It's a shame really , CW. They're such shambly wamblies. Rushing about just ain't their forte. A πŸ™‚

Andrea on 07-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
Poor sods, they'd better get a move on, or they'll be extinct...

Author's Reply:
How the heck they've suvived so long would be a good subject for a pandarama investigation. A;)

sunken on 11-04-2012
Edinburgh Zu
Perhaps panda porn would help get things started. It helped my mate Dave. Not panda porn you understand, normal porn. Hope this has helped. Clever and original as always, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

stoat admirer since 2003

Author's Reply:
Perhaps a bit racey for Edinburgh, sunks, but an interesting visualization as one slinks off to bedfordshire. cheers & ta, Albert πŸ™‚


Fatima (posted on: 23-03-12)
 

Fatima ----- Fatima knits all her snakes They're much more cuddly than other makes In duplicate in case one breaks Fatima knits all her snakes The audience love Fatima's snakes. They go "Wow Wow" as her body shakes They want to stroke them; titillate The audience love Fatima's snakes And when she goes on winter breaks Fatima wears all her snakes She loves to stroke them as her body shakes They're much more cuddly than other fakes.  
Archived comments for Fatima
e-griff on 23-03-2012
Fatima
You going conventional? πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
heh! I reckon was a bad move.


Andrea on 23-03-2012
Fatima
Only one thing to say to you Al, and that's...

Photobucket

Author's Reply:
Gadzooks or Jumping Jehosophat... can't decide which πŸ˜‰

ChairmanWow on 23-03-2012
Fatima
Fun poem, last line a surprise, maybe i don't get the reference. Snakes and cakes, what a combo.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Cheers, CW. Glad you found it fun. Last two lines probably only work in my head, intermittently and without question. Albert πŸ˜‰

teifii on 24-03-2012
Fatima
I liked the first two verses but the end confused me. Seemed just for the sake of the pun.

Author's Reply:
That's a pity, T, but I'm almost, without certainty convinced that it isn't. πŸ˜‰ Glad you liked some. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Albermund on 29-03-2012
Fatima
Have gone back to the original version which was done years ago as a foto friday at another site. Had always wanted to come up with something cuter but what the heck. πŸ™‚


Author's Reply:


Under Swirling Clouds (posted on: 19-03-12)
 

Under Swirling Clouds ----------- multi shaping heart then snaking mushroom crowding pear mutating zigzag zooming rivitating synchronised collide escaping sheering veering sweeping swarmin' figure eighting flocking marvellous ic not   hyp not  ic not      hyp not headache backache disclocated neckache how i hate starlings.   
Archived comments for Under Swirling Clouds
Andrea on 19-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
Fabulous - I love starlings! There are two huge cedars at the bottom of my garden, and from Nov-Mar, thousands of them swirl and swoop before zooming in to roost. Wonderful sight - cheers me up every evening!

Great pome, wonderful use of words an imagery.

Author's Reply:
You are so lucky Anders. I was absolutely mesmerised by the few hundred that performed above our house for a couple of weeks around Januray time. Some would eventually dive bomb the overgrown hedge at bottom of garden. Felt real privileged. Prior to this I'd always thought of them as nasty llooking skirly buggers. Glad you liked my take. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 19-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
Always enjoy your work, Mr Albermund. You have a way of making the reader see things differently. I'm trying not to say that you have a unique voice because I seem to say that every time I comment on you. I am consistent though... So yeah, sod it - Yours is a unique voice.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Cheers, guyz. To me, youz are the great readers on this poetry site. πŸ˜‰ A

Bradene on 19-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
Smashing wordplay,
your forte.
Very unique,
albermund speak.

(-; Valx

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, B, that was real cute. Glad it hit spot. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


stormwolf on 20-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
You have excelled yourself here Albert.
Just great quirky writing so uniquely YOU!
Alison x

Author's Reply:
THks lots, storm. Nice to see you about the place again and still coping with me stuff. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


ChairmanWow on 20-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
Fine imagery combined with fun word play. Bird watching can be a pain in the neck.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Cheeers, CW. Glad ypu appreciated this. Was a real privilege to have their company. Thks, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 21-03-2012
Under Swirling Clouds
Fab, Albert;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:
Nice one, OD. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


The Autistic Savant in Triple A Flat (posted on: 09-03-12)
 

The Autistic Savant in Triple A Flat --------------------- I wafted into the dayroom with Joanna and Marge The new 'resident' looked up from the piano. He was young, but middle-aged, dressed to cull and stared monotonously I'd heard he was 'a bit good', so asked if he could play Rachmaninov's concerto in yellow and pink pyjamas to an accompaniment of giggles "Smoking grass will give you breasts like a woman." - he recited, tunelessly "Would I have to wear high heels and a waspie corset?' He pondered blankly; my friends squirting titters then proceeded to spank out 'fat bottomed girls' with no boobs whatsoever.
Archived comments for The Autistic Savant in Triple A Flat
Andrea on 09-03-2012
The Autistic Savant in Triple A Flat
Hahaha - brilliant! Squirting titters indeed! RIP Freddie, eh?

Author's Reply:
Ta for uplifting comments, Anders. Much appreciated as always.cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 09-03-2012
The Autistic Savant in Triple A Flat
"dressed to cull" picture the scene precisely. A guess "triple A flat" has a double meaning. Good work.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Very funny, CW. Just wish I cd remember what it was, heh! cheers & ta Albert πŸ™‚


March (posted on: 05-03-12)
 

March ----- Xmas will be with us soon as spring resprung bounds thru to june when summer as one oft remembers swiftly tanks until september's change of tone, days ever shorter autumn whooshes, leaves with colour Good King Winter now looks out carol singers raise their snouts time marches on...    
Archived comments for March
Andrea on 05-03-2012
March
Yep, tempus fugit alright, but did you have to point out that Mas will be with us soon? me daffs are only just emerging...

Author's Reply:
Superfugits, even. Enjoy you fifteen mins of daffs. πŸ˜‰

fitbin on 05-03-2012
March
Yes, it is inexorable, I want to enjoy some warmth before I get S.A.D again.
I did like this though.

Author's Reply:
Ta fb. Glad you liked. I love the dark but wd not begrudge you some Olympian sunshine. πŸ™‚


Stairway to Helven (posted on: 17-02-12)
 

Stairway to Helven ------------ me going up - he coming down never knew him - never seen him before me stepping up - him stepping down - we cross - he stops me stops - we stops - he talks - 'bout pictures - ''come see my pictures'' - but me on the up - he heading down best girl's waiting - him pointless pleading he carries on down me going up - she coming down ever nubile - never seen her so hungry me revs up - she charges down - me crushed she crushed - we crush - she gush - ''the new guy's croaked - head slumpfaced down - dead sea of slides'' me stops - she stops - we stops - time stops five - ten - twelve seconds tops      
Archived comments for Stairway to Helven
Andrea on 20-02-2012
Stairway to Helven
Dunno how I missed this one Alber. Lovely wordplay (as usual) even if I didn't quite get it πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta for kiss o' life. Glad you liked write.Yer a kind soul. πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 20-02-2012
Stairway to Helven
Kind of a "Strangers in the Night" bumping into someone, they get your attention and then they are gone for good, and you think, maybe there should have been more to this story.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, CW. At time was far more interested in me bird to dwell on what might have been.

Romany on 21-02-2012
Stairway to Helven
Very novel! Good read, I enjoyed it.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Ta Romany, glad it worked ok for you. Cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Febuary (posted on: 06-02-12)
 

Febuary ------ weather... you like it or not it's time for a bad spell.  
Archived comments for Febuary
orangedream on 06-02-2012
Febuary
I think your 'Febuary' has lost its other 'r'...somewhere along the way;-) Nevertheless, thank you for making me smile.

Tina

Author's Reply:
It's because I never pronounce it that inspired this , od πŸ˜‰ Good seeing you around again. cheers, Albert

Andrea on 06-02-2012
Febuary
wish I could magic the summer back...

Author's Reply:
Might be quicker to magic it forward πŸ˜‰

Bradene on 08-02-2012
Febuary
I love the way you play with the language. Very witty. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thank a lot, B. Good to see you around the place again. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Goodbye Vrations (posted on: 23-01-12)
 

Goodbye Vrations ------------- Gorn fishing but onk yer orns Onk yer orns please onk yer orns people please onk yer orns to tell me yell me bellow me that his cloud has bladdy gorn.
Archived comments for Goodbye Vrations
Andrea on 23-01-2012
Goodbye Vrations
Those bladdy Beach Boys, eh? Horny lot...

Author's Reply:
heh! bladdy califhornians.

sunken on 25-01-2012
Goodbye Vrations
Ahhh... I got it now. I'm so slow sometimes. Ok, most times. Your poems are like little puzzles, Albermund. Always quirky, always original. Quirky is good by the way, very good.

s
u
n
k
e
n

crushed by he wheels of parcel force

Author's Reply:
Cheers, sunks. Much appreciate your vote of quirkiness. Albert πŸ˜‰


Junk Food? (posted on: 20-01-12)
 

Junk Food?    ------ Brown rice Beans nuts Dried fruit Sore guts Burger chips Banana split Diet coke Great shit.
Archived comments for Junk Food?
Andrea on 20-01-2012
Junk Food?
Speak fer yerself! Gimme nuts anytime (or should that be nutz?)

Author's Reply:
eatch to hiz own's wot i zay. πŸ˜‰

sunken on 22-01-2012
Junk Food?
Yes it should be nutz, Andrea. A lovely little piece, Albermund. You prove that size doesn't matter. And for that alone I thank you with all of my heart. Ya know, when flaccid, mine kinda looks like a mushroom. I wouldn't mind, but I don't even lime mushrooms. I do like your poem though. Yes, another convoluted way of saying you'll do for me. Nice work, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
and you guyz duz fer me... cheerz bucketloadz πŸ˜‰

ChairmanWow on 23-01-2012
Junk Food?
Like it. Junk food junkies unite!

Author's Reply:
cheers Wowser πŸ˜‰


A SHOCKING POEM (posted on: 13-01-12)
 

 A SHOCKING POEM      ---------------   ILIKESTOLEAVEGAPSF   ORREADE   RSTOINTO   ILIKESTO   LEAVEGAP  SFORREADERSTOINTOI  LIKESTOLEAVEGAPSFOR READ     ERSTO      INTO COSMEBIGLAZYBASTARD
Archived comments for A SHOCKING POEM
Andrea on 13-01-2012
A SHOCKING POEM
Ooooh-er, crikey - took me 20 mins to unravel that!

Author's Reply:
Hah! and here's me thinking it was too obvious. Hope it gave you a flicker... cheers A πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 13-01-2012
A SHOCKING POEM
Fun wordplay. BUt no lazy bastard would put together something this complicated to work out.

Author's Reply:
Hah! Glad you gave it a go. It had to be said. cheers A πŸ™‚


U=ME² (posted on: 09-01-12)
 

U=ME² ----- I cannot bear the thought of me and me: And how are me today? and would me like to splash through muddy tracks up rugged hill; peruse, infuse the views all bracken bruised then stumble down as back-end panto horse in giggs of fittles,  splishing sploshing home to snuggle up with battered nanas fried to fritters... As rain assaults the window pains I cannot bear the thought of me and me.
Archived comments for U=ME²
Andrea on 09-01-2012
U=MEΒ²
Brilliant, Al. Love this 'peruse, infuse the views all bracken bruised' - rolls off the tongue just perfectly.

Quite an epic for you, too!

Author's Reply:
Cheers alot, And. The bracken bruised took a whiley to surface but am delighted you approve. rgds Alb πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 09-01-2012
U=MEΒ²
"Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone, and I'm always gone too long anytime I go away." Love songs to yourself get boring quick. Equation title is great. Love the word play with the gigs, fittle, splishing, and sploshing. One of the best poems I've read on this site so far.

Author's Reply:
Thank you very much, CW. Am real pleased to get positive comments on this one as I feel really good about it myself. cheers lots, Albert πŸ™‚

deed on 09-01-2012
U=MEΒ²
This is a very interesting and so well written poem that takes careful reading. It is about the struggle we have with the two sides of our nature - one which wants to get-up-and-go and the other which is a bit lazy and which we are critical of. I like the analogy with Einstein's energy equation - the energy side wins and off you go on a great but tiring walk - but the simple comforts of home are made even greater because you went out on the walk - a nice contrast. Also, the language of the poem is interesting and novel. I would give it a Great Read stamp!

Author's Reply:
Your interpretation is very interesting, d, and I'm real glad it works in this way for you. Good to know too that ma lingo's not off-putting. Ta lots also for great read recommend. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


A Glow in the Snow (posted on: 06-01-12)
 

A Glow in the Snow ------------ Worth one's wait in cold; a robin lands on some crumbs and tickles my hand.
Archived comments for A Glow in the Snow
ChairmanWow on 06-01-2012
A Glow in the Snow
Well done. I give my haiku titles too.

Author's Reply:
Ta,CW. They're fun to do. cheers. A:)

deed on 07-01-2012
A Glow in the Snow
I love this little poem because there is a robin in my garden who does just that. It makes us feel good and helps us to remember that we are also part of the natural world.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, d. Birdie has been coming to hand since 2005. It lifts our spirits so much. Good to know you are in same boat. cheers, A:)


New Year's Resolution (posted on: 02-01-12)
 

New Year's Resolution ------------- I'm ditching the witch so sick of her claws she's feasted enough on my foolish flaws am cutting her tongue out gonna stab her in the eye I'm junking Sue Perstition cross my heart and hope to die.  
Archived comments for New Year's Resolution
ChairmanWow on 02-01-2012
New Year’s Resolution
Ha-ha, some people can't leave home unless everything is just right. good luck.

Author's Reply:
Have already done loads of stuff differently and am still functioning pretty good ap;art frem ocasionall slipse wit moi gremmar n spelin k. Hip yee hed a wowser. Kw. chairs A @)

stormwolf on 03-01-2012
New Year’s Resolution
Another gem! πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Have a Stormin' New Year and thanks a lot. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 03-01-2012
New Year’s Resolution
That Sue, what a nightmare! Ain't she a mate of Con Descending?

Author's Reply:
wtf Anders?!! are you inferring me a peace of shite? Happy New Year whatever. A


Santastic Voyage (posted on: 16-12-11)
 

Santastic Voyage ------------ as parents slept on xmas morn i ejaculated Santa Claus it sounds implausible that Mr Claus-was-able to squeeze down my stack then squirt right on back at dawn's welcome crack yet the daft old bat done it and done me no favours left lumps in my sacs should have gone to spec savers.
Archived comments for Santastic Voyage
deed on 16-12-2011
Santastic Voyage
I am not sure that I understand this - it could be about the excitement of Christmas - or it could be about cancer. I find it interesting that it is written in small case except for 'Santa' - even 'xmas' is small case. This has the effect of emphasizing greatly the importance of 'Santa' in the poem. Also the rhymes in the second verse make it stand out as the key verse by poetic emphasis. Yes, very interesting.

Author's Reply:
Ta very much for giving this some thought, deed. I'm glad you found it interesting. cheers and welcome to UKA and a very merry xmas, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 18-12-2011
Santastic Voyage
Lol. I love how our new member, deed, doesn't quite understand you, Albermund. It's good to be misunderstood. I've said it often, you're unique. You can't buy uniquenism. Yes that is a word. Kinda. Top stuff as always.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Ta very very much you guyz and a very merry xmas to you both.

stormwolf on 18-12-2011
Santastic Voyage
Don't fully get it but it sounds totally obscene especially second verse but then I do have a dirty mind.
Merry Xmas Albert xxx
(Give old Clause the wide bearth)

Author's Reply:
Yep, it's a bit obscene but I did try to do it ever so tastefully. Have a great Christmas, storm. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 18-12-2011
Santastic Voyage
Bloody filthy, Al...marvellous...er...stuff (as usual)

Happy wotsits!

Author's Reply:
Same to you and your wotsits, Anders. Glad it hit the spot. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰

ChairmanWow on 19-12-2011
Santastic Voyage
Kind of like the old Woody Allen movie where the sperm cells are talking about what is going to be on the other side when they bale out. i guess if Chris Kringle can squeeze down a chimney...

Author's Reply:
Just seen the original version and really enjoyed it. My santa more intrepidr though. heh! Have a wowser of an xmas. cheers Albert:)


Using One's Imagination (posted on: 12-12-11)
 

Using One's Imagination -------------- With butterflies and palpitations I picked up the handset with trepidation ''Fuck you and your pathetic whining 'bout the state of your fuckin' roof. The job we did was fuckin' fine and any holes thats reappeared is just bad luck, so shut the fuck and we'll be back when we've got time, just like we've told you all along now bugger off my doorbell's going  'king kong' '' with sickened thoughts I returned the receiver unused, unabused to it's cradle and rocked forwards into my hands as darkness enveloped, I slipped briskly across town, located my target, smashed down the door and bludgeoned his face with a stammer... next morning he turned up early; started working as if nothing had happened on the house next door.
Archived comments for Using One's Imagination
Ionicus on 12-12-2011
Using One’s Imagination
Albert, whilst the idea of revenge might be a pipe dream, one doesn't need much imagination to envisage the cowboy builders' situation. It's far too real.


Author's Reply:
Don't let the buggers grind us down, eh, I, heh! Ta for comment. πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 13-12-2011
Using One’s Imagination
Loved it!
It took me a while to understand your poems by and large but glad I persevered! lol
Alison x

Author's Reply:
ta muchly, storm. should really persevere lots more myself, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 15-12-2011
Using One’s Imagination
Unique and venomous. It's quite a combination. Where's the nib? Good work, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
No sooner said than done, sunks! Ta lots to you and your very welcome pal. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

deed on 16-12-2011
Using One’s Imagination
Immediately the swearing put me off - this is often done by people who want to make some sort of point about their status. However, I read on and I am glad that I did. A poem which allows us to feel all the emotions of the 'I.' Great stuff.

Author's Reply:
I think you really got what I was after, cheers, D. and ta for commenting, Albert πŸ™‚


No Dress Sense (posted on: 05-12-11)
 

DING DONG, DING DONG the warmest place in the British Isles is not called                      Thong nor Bikini Hotpants Sandals Loincloth or Floppyhat but JERSEY?    >>>                               surely Sweater                                       would have been better or even                                                      Blazer                          though not as cute                                  as Birthdaysuit.  
Archived comments for No Dress Sense
Andrea on 05-12-2011
No Dress Sense
*Titters*

And I am unanimous in that.

Author's Reply:
Ha! I love *Titters*.

TeflonTaff on 05-12-2011
No Dress Sense
Wonderfully silly, as always...

Author's Reply:
Cheers, teff, I like that πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 06-12-2011
No Dress Sense
Yer nuts...but you are always totally original. Hilarious.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Nice one, storm. cheers a lot πŸ™‚

ThePhoenix on 07-12-2011
No Dress Sense
Brilliant, made me giggle after a depressing night. I can now retire to my cold cold bedroom with a smile.

Thankyou.

Author's Reply:
You cheered me too knowing that, TP. Thanks a lot, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 07-12-2011
No Dress Sense
Yes, but what about Overcote?

Author's Reply:
hmm... ?

ChairmanWow on 11-12-2011
No Dress Sense
Instead of the cloths making the man it is the man making it without cloths.

Author's Reply:
Incrustable, CW πŸ™‚


Bird Shit (posted on: 25-11-11)
  

Bird Shit ------- little friend big white speck head top me ask wtf? stops stares me up longbut sez nothing flies off belly full  crumbs next day  proferred palm re-alights *speckless* peckity peck pecks   prospectively then up little eyes stare long ex specktantly me sighs sez nothings.
Archived comments for Bird Shit
TeflonTaff on 25-11-2011
Bird Shit
Lovely, boyo. Nice alliteration and assonance.

Author's Reply:
Ta vry mch, Teff πŸ™‚


Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional (posted on: 14-11-11)
 

Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional ------------------------ I sink in bath of radox green and wonder where I should have been and if it's somewhere that I'm not then I'll just say I clean forgot.
Archived comments for Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional
e-griff on 14-11-2011
Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional
ahem ...

Author's Reply:
have smelled lots worse, e-g πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 14-11-2011
Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional
Yeah!
That's wot I do an'all.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
great place to compose poetic masterwerks too, heh! cheers, storm πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 15-11-2011
Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional
That p-tert-butyl-alpha-methylhydrocinnamic aldehyde's a bugger, innit?

Author's Reply:
Hah! Great smell, bugger to spell. πŸ˜‰

sunken on 16-11-2011
Smelling of Butylphenyl Methylpropional
Hello Mr. Albermund. You should sell this to Radox. It's far better than anything their advertising people have come up with. Brilliant in its simplicity. A little gem and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

taken out if context at the rigorous mortise ball

Author's Reply:
Ta, sunks, you sure know how to keep me plugging away. cheers lots, Albert πŸ™‚


A Girl I Once Knew (posted on: 31-10-11)
 

A Girl I Once Knew -------------- We never kissed, just pissed around an' about on the island in middle of road, rolling re-rolling steam rising me on top her on top groping re-groping wriggling giggling peeping cars beeping till sobered up brushing down we walked back to the therapeutic community.
Archived comments for A Girl I Once Knew
sunken on 02-11-2011
A Girl I Once Knew
Lol. How come this has been so overlooked? It's a disgrace. This had the beagle howling. Nice work, fella. Deserves more attention. I blame Angela Merkel.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
nothing like a bit of S&B to lift ones spirits and get the juices flowing. cheers guys and sorry 'bout delay, Albert πŸ™‚


The Stifled Sneeze (posted on: 28-10-11)
 

The Stifled Sneeze ---------- Cabbage Cabbage Cabbage CabbageCabbageCabbageCabb'geCabb'geCabb'ge Rhubarb Rhubarb CabbageCabbageCabbageCabb'geCabb'ge Rhubarb   Rhubarb
Archived comments for The Stifled Sneeze
Andrea on 28-10-2011
The Stifled Sneeze
I once had a dentist who maintained a jolly good sneeze was better than an orgasm. Strange fellow, but he had a point. Odd thing for a dentist to say, really, whilst drilling and filling...

Hope this helps (as Sunk would say)

Author's Reply:
Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... πŸ™‚

RDLarson on 29-10-2011
The Stifled Sneeze
I told my children an orgasm was like a sneeze when they were teens. One of the first questions was what about a tissue? It is rather like that isn't it? Dentists are rather cruel usually, I think.

Author's Reply:
my eyes are gobsmacked but in an interesting way. Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 30-10-2011
The Stifled Sneeze
... I wonder what would happen if you sneezed as you came? I suspect an orgasm of such force could be quite dangerous. I wouldn't be surprised if such an occurrence might ultimately lead to time travel. I shall experiment later. I hope this helps.

Thank you.

S
u
n
k
e
n

taught dappy all he knows about windmills

Author's Reply:
Good luck, sunks, and may your dog go with you. A πŸ™‚

Andrea on 30-10-2011
The Stifled Sneeze
Well, see you sometime in the future then, Sunks...

(sorry Al)

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 01-11-2011
The Stifled Sneeze
The comments are almost as funny as the poem πŸ˜‰

Alison x

Author's Reply:
heh! I feel I've really missed out, storm. thks and apologies for delayed response. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚


butterfly (posted on: 24-10-11)
 

butterfly ------- i felt it landing on my head i slapped and slapped till it was dead. i hear you gasp but please don't cry the title should read batterfly.
Archived comments for butterfly
e-griff on 24-10-2011
butterfly
Blimey! You insecticider!

(pst: I think it would read better if you used 'be' instead of 'read' --- no, not 'bee'!)

Author's Reply:
Hah! "bee" vg. Still prefer read but ta for your thoughts & comment. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 25-10-2011
butterfly
Hahaha, brilliant (if a little flat).

Author's Reply:
Nothing like a bit of flatterment. Ta vry much, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 26-10-2011
butterfly
Hello Mr. Albermund. This will have butterfly lovers up in arms and no mistake. Please be careful. They will no doubt try to throw a large net over you in the near future. A neat little piece. Nibbable in my opinion. Please forgive if the Bernard doesn't work. I'm having link problems. Nice work, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Bernies looking great , sunks. Ta very much for your kind attentions, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Kat on 26-10-2011
butterfly
Enjoyed! Haha.

Kat

Author's Reply:
Ta, K. Glad you got a laugh, rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Vulnerable People (posted on: 21-10-11)
 

Vulnerable People ------------- Confronted daily by interminible cycle of famine, disease, malnutrition, the big eyes the flies the gut wrenching scenes of the dead and the dying that dare them defy                       the homeless and battered the cancers and strokes... and then there's the big money premium line phone quizzes and myriad funeral plans to be sat through until heads teeter 'n' topple; smash like nest eggs into their chests.
Archived comments for Vulnerable People
Hulda on 21-10-2011
Vulnerable People
It is never easy to walk on shells. A very human writing and it touched me, it is not easy living here on Earth, thank you

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, Hulda. Glad this worked for you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Hulda on 21-10-2011
Vulnerable People
I forgot to mention the title fits quite well, take care

Author's Reply:


When my sister calls... (posted on: 14-10-11)
 

When my sister calls... ------------ I put her top my mother's lap they make their greetings joke and laugh devouring smiles with greedy eyes that quickly spot who's ate the pies and then they'll have their "little chat" till battery completely flat.  
Archived comments for When my sister calls...
sunken on 16-10-2011
When my sister calls...
When will they start concentrating on battery technology, Albermund? It lags behind the progress made in other fields and no mistake. I feel this has never been covered in poetry circles. I knew it would take a luminary like your good self to finally address the issue. For that I, and I'm sure many others, are eternally grateful. Neat piece, in my sunky opinion.

s
u
n
k
e
n

could the owner of the green fiat punto please report to reception

Author's Reply:
I'm grateful the import of this poem never short circuited your temporal lobottomy, sunks. thank you very much for your supports, Albert.

stormwolf on 20-10-2011
When my sister calls...
I have come to love your poetry Albert. I can tell you are a right character and a great laugh. :-)))
You are so original

Alison x

Author's Reply:
You are very generous, storm. I am, of course, all of what you say and much more. Albert (whose pumping again like some over sprung chicken) heh! IT's amazing what a few words of hope will do. Keep up the good work, storm. Ta vry much also for peeptom fave, bestest regards, Albert πŸ™‚


The Dwan Cursoh (posted on: 10-10-11)
 

        The Dwan Cursoh              -----------                I stepped       @>?%$ out <$+@#@?     $^/*## into the +:€@@#&     ?:# burgeoning dawn :@✳    &$@ and tip-toed up &$/?: >✳#@ to the holly tree @##!$ #@✳@''£^##&✳(~~##:?$✳$#@ (£%~@@/?#*$#@@@#/*&✳&$ @✳@*&%$%£@##✳✳::/#@?* ✳## ''!!!!SHUT UP!!!!'' %£##@}+    -                          ,                     .               ,                                          '             I felt like King           of the sparrows.  
Archived comments for The Dwan Cursoh
Andrea on 10-10-2011
The Dwan Cursoh
Ahem, very clever I'm sure, but for once you've lost me. Still, oil give it an 8 for all the lovely...er...curses πŸ™‚

Wildlife, eh?

Author's Reply:
Hah! Hope someone twigs. It was truly wondrous experience. cheers & ta, Albert πŸ™‚


Revenge of Reginald - The Impotent Ostrich (posted on: 07-10-11)
 

Revenge of Reginald - The Impotent Ostrich ---------------------- Walks the walk, spots some prey first thrill of the day and waits for the moment the exquisite moment when quick as a flash with audacious panache, his head he averts, as two slender-necked flirts all legs, frou frou skirts, flitter flutter by looking the other way.  
Archived comments for Revenge of Reginald - The Impotent Ostrich
sunken on 08-10-2011
Revenge of Reginald - The Impotent Ostrich
I sometimes wonder if your work goes over people's heads, Albermund. That was a really crap bird related comment. This is one of ya best in my opinion. The final stanza in particular just rolls off the tongue. Nice and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
You guys are a real tonic. Ta lots, Albert:)

admin on 08-10-2011
Revenge of Reginald - The Impotent Ostrich
Really, really clever Mr Mund! Muchly enjoyed
(best read out loud!)

Author's Reply:
Thanks, adders. I love the thought of someone reading one of my poems out loud. Ta very much, Albert:)


Peeping Tom ( and chιrie) (posted on: 03-10-11)
 

Peeping Tom ( and chιrie) -------------- The cat is on the cellphone The dog sprawls by the chair With bunny flopped on her comely lap it's all too much to bear A frog croaks from the garden pond I duck as her head swivels round She's ears like a bat and eyes like a hawk and smells like an old bloodhound I snake for cover across the grass but the window jerks - she's seen my ass. Her husky voice trumpets foul rant... Oh how I crave you, Nelly Fant.  
Archived comments for Peeping Tom ( and chιrie)
stormwolf on 03-10-2011
Peeping Tom ( and chΓ©rie)
You do make me laught Albert. You are one of a kind! πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Ta, storm. Glad to hear that from you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 06-10-2011
Peeping Tom ( and chΓ©rie)
Yes, as Alison says - Unique. Unique and entertaining. A bit like a legless pony named cyril who transports himself to sandcastle building conferences using the power of levitation. It's a site to behold and no mistake. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

her eyelashes fluttering in time to the rhythm of his heart

Author's Reply:
Thanks muchly, sunks. Nice to see you popping up again. Miss you lots around this place. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Proximity of Nothingness (posted on: 26-09-11)
 

The Proximity of Nothingness ------------------- I count to ten for 'umpteenth time but still the chill churns my insides her scented shrill pervades, derides as children squawk through shattered lives no peace is left to harmonize another case of home- icide.  
Archived comments for The Proximity of Nothingness
Andrea on 29-09-2011
The Proximity of Nothingness
Brilliant! No idea why no other comments - reckon everyone's out enjoying the heatwave.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, Anders. Hopefully weather will have returned to normal in time for my next posting πŸ˜‰

stormwolf on 03-10-2011
The Proximity of Nothingness
I reckon I could tell your work out of a hundred. Original, succinct and funny
Alsion x

Author's Reply:
thks again, storm. spent ages on this and it's great to get such positive feedback. cheers, A πŸ™‚

ChairmanWow on 10-12-2011
The Proximity of Nothingness
Fine write on the death of domestic bliss. Like that scented shrill.

Author's Reply:
Ta, CW. Nice to know the bitties you like. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Blonde Date (posted on: 19-09-11)
 

Blonde Date -------- Colossal tits Covered in zits Crushed to bits.
Archived comments for Blonde Date
e-griff on 19-09-2011
Blonde Date
Lost your wits?

Author's Reply:
You have nits?

Andrea on 19-09-2011
Blonde Date
Must say, they sound 'orrible.

Author's Reply:
nightmare screamario.

stormwolf on 22-09-2011
Blonde Date
do you never read anyone else's work? πŸ˜‰

Sounds like a memorable night
Alison x



Author's Reply:
I read nearly all yours. Ta for comenting. Albert πŸ™‚


An Age of Concern (posted on: 12-09-11)
 

An Age of Concern ------------ My good pal's big sister's grandfather will be sixty tomorrow, and I'm kinda worried about him not 'cos everything's shrunk apart from his ears not 'cos everyone knows now he can't hold his beers nor 'cos third person games are his main source of cheer no it's the lump he's found in his ballsack.
Archived comments for An Age of Concern
e-griff on 13-09-2011
An Age of Concern
First, young Albermondo, at 60, you haven't shrunk in any way. I'm 65 and I can assure you. Nor can I 'not hold my beers' . Maybe you should ask the oldsters (Qball, Harry (ninety summat)) and see what age you should actually pitch your old age at. ha!

anyway, back to the pome ... yeh, okay *relaxes* - this is just an old Spanish proverb: Honor de Balsac as they honor you.

Author's Reply:
you bulge with inspiration. e-g. I'm half-minded to hang on for the duration after all. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 14-09-2011
An Age of Concern
You can't legitimately pitch yer old age until at least 80, I should think. As for 'holding the beer' (in my case wine) well...

Ballsack is a literary genius and one of my faves, lumpy or not.

Author's Reply:
Have sacked my researchers, A, and ordered pair of ballsack glasses. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


SYLLY KU (posted on: 09-09-11)
with *oddio*

SYLLY KU   -------   VVIIVV VIIVVVIIV   VVIIVV ~~viiv~~
Archived comments for SYLLY KU
e-griff on 09-09-2011
SYLLY KU
ah, well. you finally lost me ..... πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
I hope, at least, you enjoyed the symmetry. cheers, albert πŸ˜‰


me wow! (posted on: 02-09-11)
 

me wow! ------ without a sound she comes around and brushes soft below my knee and high above i fill with love 'cos some cat out there   fancies me.  
Archived comments for me wow!
e-griff on 02-09-2011
me wow!
excellent stuff!

Author's Reply:
cheers, e-g, nice one, Albert πŸ™‚

jay12 on 02-09-2011
me wow!
Short and sweet.

Jay. (More of a dog man)

Author's Reply:
Thanks, J. (more of a take what I can get man) heh! cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 03-09-2011
me wow!
Short and sweet (just like me!)

Love it.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
best way to be, R, Ta lots, Albert πŸ™‚

teifii on 05-09-2011
me wow!
Purrfect.
Daff

Author's Reply:
hah! thks, Daff πŸ™‚


Old Wife's Tale (posted on: 29-08-11)
 

Old Wife's Tale --------- She came dancing down the hill and she was singing as she came He was dancing down behind her and his song it cracked the sky He was almost up beside her when they fell amidst the heather Yet the duet faltered never as they rolled it seemed forever It was warm where I was sitting knitting patterns in the twilight Rocking gently by the window till romancing into dreams That's what I told the policeman when he called today to see me He was such a very nice man and he loved my poet tree.
Archived comments for Old Wife's Tale
franciman on 29-08-2011
Old Wifes Tale
'Jack and Jill' meets 'She Walked Through the Fair'. For me this seems insubstantial yet says so much.

It was warm where I was sitting
knitting patterns in the twilight
Rocking gently by the window
till romancing into dreams is a lyrical gem, Loved It.

Cheers,
Jim



Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, J. Am really delighted you picked out that bit. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


RachelLW on 31-08-2011
Old Wifes Tale
Great, gets a thumbs up from me as usual. Rachel πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
cheers very much, rache. (as usual) - πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 31-08-2011
Old Wifes Tale
By the shores of gitchee gumie ...

nice rhythm, wild story

but I suggest you change 'That's' to 'That is' in the last verse to keep the trochees going exactly .... πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks, e-g. "that's" is deliberate. I want the last stanza to be separate from what the policeman loved. cheers, Albert :

Andrea on 01-09-2011
Old Wifes Tale
It was warm where I was sitting
knitting patterns in the twilight

Loved that!

Author's Reply:
am really pleased about that, A. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 02-09-2011
Old Wifes Tale
okay, 'that's' maybe what you intended, but I think you should consider whether it is actually successfully meeting your intention - and only your readers can tell you that. IMO it doesn't work. It just looks like an error. I think if you wanted to separate that last verse, then you should change the rhythm of the whole verse, or the line lengths. that would show it was indeed deliberate.

even, as a simple example:

That's what I told the policeman when he called
He was a nice man and he loved my poet tree.

Author's Reply:
I'm sticking to me guns on this one , e-g. but thanks for your thoughts. Perhaps one day I'll see your sense. (it has happened before) cheers Albert πŸ˜‰

teifii on 05-09-2011
Old Wifes Tale
Lovely, especially 'knitting patterns in the twilight '
Daff

Author's Reply:
Thanks, daff. Am delighted that folk are twigging this. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Kritiku of the Weak (rec'd poem) (posted on: 22-08-11)
 

Kritiku of the Weak (rec'd poem) ------------------ you're a fucking twat and need to be castrated to keep from breeding.
Archived comments for Kritiku of the Weak (rec'd poem)

No comments archives found!
In Historical Order (posted on: 19-08-11)
 

In Historical Order ----------   . . Sexy blue eyes (tinted contacts --> eye infection) . . Hairstyle (at back) . . Teeth (not including breath) . . Forearms (pre cry for help) . . Sense of humour (when sloshed - everyone) So tell me... in the  smoochie   woochie    hoochie     coochie under soft lights glow and de vino flow What is *your* current best bit your rumpy pumpy blessed bit that honky wonky tonk bit   perhaps...             inky winky dink bit                 that still turns 'em on?
Archived comments for In Historical Order
ThePhoenix on 13-12-2011
In Historical Order
I dont know in which order they go in but most comments go to either my smile, my eyes, or my big cock!

well you asked!

My preference would probably be my grin, that usually successfully melts them to a malable consistency.

I like the idea of this though I hate the Russell Brand style cutie pillow talk stuff, but thats just my personal opinion as it makes my skin crawl not a critique of the piece, I like it, will read more. D

Author's Reply:
Ta for commenting, TP. Unfortunately this poem is really for the less well cocked. After all, in historical order your best bit has probably always been your big cock. Anyways I'm glad you found it worth the read and apologies for taking so long to reply.

!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


Great Read (posted on: 15-08-11)
 +oddio

Divaluation -------- She used to be FAT and now she's thin                             F SHE USED TO BE F A T                             T AND NOW SHE'S thin                      She still belts it out...        but she used to be FAT and now she's th n.
Archived comments for Great Read

No comments archives found!
Doubting Thomas (posted on: 12-08-11)
 +oddio

Doubting Thomas ------------- I asked her ''Do you love me?'' she said ''Yes, I love you.'' I asked her ''Do you really love me?'' she said ''Yes, I do really love you.'' ''But do you really, really, love me?'' ''Yes'' she insisted, ''I really, really, do love you.'' That night, in bed with her best friend, I still wondered if I could really, really really, trust her.
Archived comments for Doubting Thomas
e-griff on 12-08-2011
Doubting Thomas
ah, the old dilemma ...

Author's Reply:
huh? she wasn't that old!

franciman on 12-08-2011
Doubting Thomas
For a verse with so few words it should surely scan well? I think the dos in her reply are unnecessary. A clever idea just very predictable. Sorry.

Author's Reply:
ta for commenting, f. don't feel clever about being so predictable but diamonds are a girl's best friend. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 12-08-2011
Doubting Thomas
Naughty, naughty, Al. For shame!

*titters*

Author's Reply:
Cheers, A, I've always liked your titters.

sunken on 14-08-2011
Doubting Thomas
Trust, Mr. Albermund, is like an old shoe... When I've figured out the rest of this analogy I'll be sure to post it. Nice work, as always. You is unique to be sure. Well done fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Cheers lots, guys, you keep me hanging on you do, like an old shoe, even πŸ˜‰

RachelLW on 17-08-2011
Doubting Thomas
It is excellent. Very funny. All your little poems are. Rachel πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, Rachel. Always glad to give someone a smile. rgds, A πŸ™‚


Schadenfreude (posted on: 05-08-11)
 

Schadenfreude ---------- ''there's one thing ticks me off, big time and winds me up'', chimes Ben ''it's poets trying to 'big' their works with big fat words that look like … schit!?'' as pigeon strikes consume his face, down by the River Thames.
Archived comments for Schadenfreude
e-griff on 05-08-2011
Schadenfreude
eminently chronophilosophical, my dear boy .....

Author's Reply:
hah! ta πŸ™‚


The Long and the Short of It (posted on: 01-08-11)
 

The Long and the Short of It ------------------- Up Calton Hill, first date with beautiful Indian, Indian beautiful doll Her five foot two, me six foot seven, her shy demure, me gangling virgin me aches to swoop and scoop to twirl, possess her, hug compress her 'neath the grand Acropolis midst stunning views of Arthur's Seat and Edinburgh's great Castle but then her spots this metalled monster with great snout that monsters out that monsters out towards Princess Street and way beyond the ways beyond she runs and clambers up aboard and up aboard she smiles and wraps her legs round tight and pants and sways and rodeodeodeos this beast of beasts this grand grand cannon and as she waves expectantly, her waves compound and my heart sinks, much deeper much; much deeper than the grand grand canyon.
Archived comments for The Long and the Short of It
RachelLW on 01-08-2011
The Long and the Short of It
Brilliant, loved it. Rachel πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Delighted you got kick out of & ta vry much for nom. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 05-08-2011
The Long and the Short of It
Unusually romantic, dear Albert, dear Albert and oddly enough my son is 6ft 6in with a 5ft girlfriend - the long and the short of it indeed but lurve conquers all. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hah! I hope he comes better equipped. πŸ˜‰


Inja Pan (posted on: 29-07-11)
 

Inja Pan ------ neighbour cat arrive; much stroking, purring, tickling then i-tchi session begin neighbour cat flees
Archived comments for Inja Pan
e-griff on 29-07-2011
Inja Pan
shouldn' that be 'neighbour cat freeze

Author's Reply:
Heh! lovely, but no, me anti freeze (for time being at reast). πŸ˜‰
Romany on 03-08-2011
Inja Pan
Made me smile; a dose of gentle humour, very welcome today and very well written, thank you!

Romany

Author's Reply:
Thanks very much, R. Glad it was a help. cheers Albert:)

teifii on 08-08-2011
Inja Pan
Wonderful nugget of fun. Love the final pun.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, teifii. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


True Love (posted on: 25-07-11)
 

True Love ------- I am no real gardener but I love my garden with its curvy path and flowers that splash the dull with singing sun Dotted around are loyal friends, so stony still, yet so alive with welcome: Ducky, Piggy, Sheepy, Squirrel, and freshly arrived it's... Turtle There are some trees that hide the world they are too tall but smaller would not fit whilst on the lawn the daisies dance and dandy sometimes takes his chance Great grasses sway at every verge as if in taunt of strimmer's urge While birdies speak in shrill regard for this their chosen patch of Earth And I just gaze from shady peace as gentle nature whispers cheer For I am no real gardener; but my garden loves me.
Archived comments for True Love
Ionicus on 28-07-2011
True Love
A departure from your usual style, Albert. A sweet poem. Liked it.

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, I. Hope you're enjoying your own garden. cheers, A πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 05-08-2011
True Love
An arboreal and haughty-cultural departure from the Abert-median and ver' ver' quaint - let them birdies trill shrill and your gladioli bloom festooning... enoyable, mon jardinier! mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Well there's a turnip for the books. Ta for digging. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


Jack Schit (posted on: 15-07-11)
 

Jack Schit ------- a slumberjack - jacks off, always; jack tennaday a flopjack, jack of all tirades, jack niggles on, jack niggleson... rebuffed by jills, jack lemons at parties no word of a ''hi'' jack rabbits to no-one but daniels... on the rocks jack frosts, turns black, jack hammers crack, jack knifes the cat for jackass stunt carjacks to church climbs steeple jaaaaaack!
Archived comments for Jack Schit
Nomenklatura on 15-07-2011
Jack Schit
I don't know Jack
I don't know, Jack.

I know I liked this though.

Author's Reply:
Ta, Nomks πŸ™‚

admin on 15-07-2011
Jack Schit
I don't know Mr Schit either (is he German?), but I do know this is very clever πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
cheers, admin πŸ™‚


On the Naming of Birds (posted on: 11-07-11)
 

On the Naming of Birds ---------------- Birds in the tree go - ''chicka-dee-dee-kup chicka-dee-dee-kup chicka-dee-dee-kup... '' I think to myself - great tits? but I'm hopeless with birds and anyways prefer smaller tits.
Archived comments for On the Naming of Birds
pdemitchell on 11-07-2011
On the Naming of Birds
Good job it's not freezing midwinter - my litle chickadee! Heh! mitch

Author's Reply:
Ta for breaking the ice on this one, m πŸ™‚

admin on 12-07-2011
On the Naming of Birds
I have lots of tits is my garden. Blue tits, great tits, yellow tits. They all love to feed on my fat balls.

Hope this helps.

PS. The sparrows do, too...



Author's Reply:
LOL! Please send big thank you to the sparrows. πŸ™‚

RachelLW on 13-07-2011
On the Naming of Birds
Once again, has made me chuckle. Thanks. Rachel πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks again, R, Albert πŸ™‚


Jealous He (posted on: 04-07-11)
 

Jealous He -------- She left him for another(s) and he cried and he cried and he cried but as time passed it got worse and he cried and he wept and he cried and he wept and he cried till suddenly she died and he dried.
Archived comments for Jealous He
pdemitchell on 04-07-2011
Jealous He
Weep not for me, Marge and Tina! So true, Sir Albert!

Author's Reply:
Tam Itch πŸ™‚

Romany on 04-07-2011
Jealous He
Clever.

R x

Author's Reply:
Thks πŸ™‚

admin on 04-07-2011
Jealous He
Indeed.

Ax

Author's Reply:
yep πŸ™‚

RachelLW on 05-07-2011
Jealous He
I really liked this. It made me laugh. Thanks.

Rachel πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Delighted to know that, R. ta vry much, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 06-07-2011
Jealous He
Yours is a unique voice on planet Uka, Mr. Albermund. If you were a fruit you'd be found in the exotic section. This made sense in my head. Honest it did. Laugh or cry - I'll maybe do both. Tip top dot com.

s
u
n
k
e
n

remember to fall in love - there's nothin else

Author's Reply:
You're a brick, sunks. Ta very much mate. A πŸ™‚

RWCrump on 06-07-2011
Jealous He
It's short, it's simple and it's clever. Good work!

Author's Reply:
Cheers, RW. Albert πŸ™‚


nothing (posted on: 01-07-11)
 

nothing ------- for those that see there is
Archived comments for nothing
e-griff on 01-07-2011
nothing
in the country of the blind
the one-armed man
is deaf

Author's Reply:
in the pantry of the mind
the marzipan
is dead

sunken on 03-07-2011
nothing
I think your work gets overlooked at times, my good man. This is far deeper than it may at first appear. I agree by the way - Nothing.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
in the kennels of critique
Beag Bernard
is King

Romany on 03-07-2011
nothing
This could be interpreted in a very morbid sense, or am I missing the point here?

Romany.

Author's Reply:
I'm happy with whatever you make of this, R.


The Madness of Prince Chuck (posted on: 29-04-11)
 

The Madness of Prince Chuck ------------------ Camilla Parker Bowles Diana knocked them all for six.
Archived comments for The Madness of Prince Chuck

No comments archives found!
Sunbeams (posted on: 15-04-11)
 

Sunbeams ---------- The sun is shining and 'everyone's happy' except for her And I am devastated behind my happy face.
Archived comments for Sunbeams

No comments archives found!
A Load of WALA's (posted on: 08-04-11)
World Wide Web WALA² Competition Winner 2005...

A Load of WALA's ------------- With april, love arrives as lustful waves attack Lottie, an 'aughty warthog and Wattie, a lumberjack.         the only entry πŸ˜‰
Archived comments for A Load of WALA's
Nomenklatura on 08-04-2011
A Load of WALAs
A poetical magic square!

Magic. A deserved winner, I hope you're not too disappointed about coming last too. πŸ˜‰

Author's Reply:
Hah! Thanks, Nom, for being so understanding. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Behind the Bike Shed (posted on: 04-04-11)
 

Behind the Bike Shed -------------- Hans kneaded bust; he was upright, she was just seventeen, Cilla Bowles.
Archived comments for Behind the Bike Shed
Nomenklatura on 04-04-2011
Behind the Bike Shed
Very, very funny and very difficult to do!

I doff a virtual hat. Consider this poem hatdoffed.

Author's Reply:
Ta Nomks. Very generous crit. cheeers. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 04-04-2011
Behind the Bike Shed
High kudos for this one! Most excellent indeed.

I'd like to offer you a Griffpick (have to get to my cabin and the big computer where I store them). Later. πŸ™‚



Author's Reply:
Very nice one, griffers. Never thought I'd ever be up for one of 'em things. Ta lots, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 04-04-2011
Behind the Bike Shed
Photobucket

there!

Author's Reply:


Cracking Beauty (posted on: 01-04-11)
 

Cracking Beauty ------------ On the tube home she was sitting opposite never looking my way but every so often her legs would criss cross then cross criss, sometimes criss cross criss or cross criss cross or even just criss or cross I realised almost immediately that she was communicating with me in code and after some deliberation I reciprocated in kind By the time I'd reached my stop she'd invited me round for dinner at her place the next evening As I got up and started off down the carriage someone whispered, ''dirty old man'', I looked back; her breasts were sniggering, jiggering, nudging each other this way and that, that way and this, sometimes this way and that way and this...
Archived comments for Cracking Beauty
e-griff on 01-04-2011
Cracking Beauty
cracked me up!

( a favour: can we have 'she sat' or 'she was sitting'? I'd very much appreciate it in my own pedantic way πŸ™‚ )

Author's Reply:
I’ve been sat here for ages thinking how can I possibly refuse such a polite and sensible request. Hell e-g, life’s just too short. cheers & ta, A πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 04-04-2011
Cracking Beauty
Ah to dress on the left or the right or the left or... the zipper-chewed nethers.... they jiggle, they jiggle... enjoyable tube-encounter there young Albert... Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Glad it stirred the ol' imitchination. cheers & ta, Albert πŸ™‚


Birdies (posted on: 28-03-11)
 

Birdies ----- Chirping, high on a wire; love them to bits   Atop my new car; a bunch of shits
Archived comments for Birdies
Ionicus on 28-03-2011
Birdies
It brings good luck, it is said. Mind you, it plays havoc with the metallic paint.

Author's Reply:
hmm... perhaps it's just good luck having a shitty looking car.

e-griff on 28-03-2011
Birdies
I blame flies.

Author's Reply:
yep, them shit critters really get on my car.


Love (posted on: 25-03-11)
 

Love ---- I love tomato soup; it's much tastier than chicken noodle or asparagus, much smoother than scotch broth or minestrone, much tartier than green pea or lentil until the third or fourth helping when goredom sets in.
Archived comments for Love
Nomenklatura on 25-03-2011
Love
Albert, your thoughts on these soups are most illuminating.
I see you have seen through the trumpery that is a consommΓ©
and have refrained from mentioning it in your poem. Good!
It's no more than it deserves.

Author's Reply:
You posh git!

admin on 25-03-2011
Love
I'm rather partial to a bowl of gazpacho, myself. Alas, it is not mentioned here, merely its poorer bro, tomato.

Hmmm...I wonder if I could turn that into an Albermundism...

Author's Reply:
Another posh git!


this is not... The Title (posted on: 21-03-11)
 

A X ✔ ------ seven purcent pupils     excising L         is         not                     good     seventeen persent pupilae eliminating L is numbingly grim seventy precent pupilissimo excluding L is non-acceptable guano for brains          or badly taught;          but marks for          this is naught...                                  The End. -----------
Archived comments for this is not... The Title
TPILB on 21-03-2011
this is not... The Title
The mind boggles: I thought of 'L' in Japanese as its hard to pronounce (Likewise in some Chinese dialects) Greek alphabet letter, its also a Manga super hero, its also a silent letter in many cases (Walk). The 'L' Word TV show. AX and L expansion tanks, then onto square root of light 431.277173 miles/sec, quantum physics: angular momentum(L) = square root(l(l+1), then the Integrals with square root of ax + b,

It must have relevance here, but I am blank to the algorithm Logic...


Author's Reply:
Ta for giving some thought to this. Have made subtle adjustment that should make life easier for you. Please also be assured that I am a simple but hopefully maclogicalish scotch git. cheers A πŸ™‚


forgot'ten love (posted on: 18-03-11)
 

forgot'ten love --------- one, two ''Fuck You!'' three, four slams door five, six his baby kicks seven, eight accelerates nine, eleven to Hell and heaven.
Archived comments for forgot'ten love
Bradene on 18-03-2011
forgot’ten love
Truly concise. Good one. Valx

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Val, it's always nice to get off with something tiny. Ta, A πŸ™‚

TPILB on 18-03-2011
forgot’ten love
Witty from title to end - give it a 'ten'

Author's Reply:
Hope you found it sad too, T. Real glad you picked up on title. thanks muchly, A πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 19-03-2011
forgot’ten love
Hola Young Albert - I can see Tiger Woods fleeing even now - Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Golly! the wanderer returns with holes in his theory. heh! cheers for clocking, mitch, A πŸ™‚

MAIA2011 on 20-03-2011
forgot’ten love
nice and funny. since ten's missing i'll give it you.

Author's Reply:
Missing tens are subtle and cute. Ta Ma :))


kuku (posted on: 11-03-11)
 

kuku ----- tu wit tu wu wu wit tu wu wu wit tu wu wu shit... meowl ku.
Archived comments for kuku
stormwolf on 11-03-2011
kuku
hahaha your nuts! (but we like you πŸ˜‰ )

I got this one!
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hah! I'm glad I've cracked it with you, Alison. cheers, Albert Nuts Mundane ; )

Bradene on 11-03-2011
kuku
Haha! poor little owl. Nice. Valx

Author's Reply:
Heh! Do you mean yowl! Ta, Val, cheers, Abert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 11-03-2011
kuku
ooops I meant you are nuts (sorry about spelling) I am leaving your nuts out of it πŸ˜‰

Author's Reply:

TPILB on 11-03-2011
kuku
A 'Meowl' is a urban legend of a Cat/owl creature right? Lost the plot on this, the - 'wu shit....Meowl ku.' Can you explain (Your head works differently from mine) and I just have no interpretation other than waking form magic mushrooms and the effects are still ongoing.

Author's Reply:
I like your interpretation, Mr T. Any explanation would only be a disappointment. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

admin on 11-03-2011
kuku
Awwww, the owl in the pussycat - sad πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
It's funny how the crit on this wee poem has totally conflubbergasted me. Thanks a lot, ad, for your take. cheers, Al πŸ™‚


Still Not Enough Reads (posted on: 04-03-11)
 

Buddy Language ---------- Her eyes walked out on me last night. My best friend watched them each step of the way. On their return, we made love on the rocks.
Archived comments for Still Not Enough Reads
geordietaf on 06-03-2011
Buddy Language
Better keep an eye on your best friend...

Really liked 'Her eyes walked out
on me last night.'

Author's Reply:
Glad of that, gt, but it's a bit of a bugger when it happens. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

sybarite on 22-03-2011
Not Enough Reads
Succinct. I too, like, 'her eyes walked out on me last night.' Enjoyed the play on words in the title as well. Nicely done.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, syb. glad you liked. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


A CAPITAL AGE? (posted on: 28-02-11)
 

  A CAPITAL AGE?    ----------------> it don't matter 'bout thE         bumps 'n' deTours   lifeb              egins            when             yOu       Fi           uRs.           nd  yo
Archived comments for A CAPITAL AGE?
Bradene on 03-03-2011
A CAPITAL AGE?
A capital piece of imaginative poetry, I'm surprised at that it hasn't attracted more attention. it's the sort of thing I wish I had written. Well done, great piece Valx

Author's Reply:
Hah! Good to know that, Val. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wasting my time and then "foof" I'm buzzing again. Ta very much. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


My Horsey Girlfriend (posted on: 25-02-11)
 

My Horsey Girlfriend -------------- clippity clop, clippity clop clippity talk, clippity rock clippity laugh, cloppity squawk clippity clop, clippity clop clippity smile, clippity smell cloppity ass, ardour swells please let me play with your coconut shells.
Archived comments for My Horsey Girlfriend
geordietaf on 26-02-2011
My Horsey Girlfriend
Yea verily I say unto thee 'Ho Ho Ho'

Author's Reply:
cheers, santaf πŸ˜‰

Corin on 27-02-2011
My Horsey Girlfriend
Tippity top
Tippity tap
Clippity clop
Clippity clap!


Author's Reply:
Thankity ta
very muchity

πŸ™‚

Jolen on 28-02-2011
My Horsey Girlfriend
LOL gods, I could see 'The Holy Grail" playing in the background. Made me laugh, this. Thanks.

blessings,
jolen

Author's Reply:
Cheers, J. Good to know this hasn't turned off all the gals! All the best & ta, Albert:)


My Big Toy Present (posted on: 21-02-11)
 

My Big Toy Present --------------- Dadda flied my plane today he said it was the bestest way for Unca Bob had splasha cash the last thing need was getting smashed the last thing dadda talk to me from high mixed up with big tall tree was ''one more reaching, little bud'' then he go screamed an ground go fud.
Archived comments for My Big Toy Present
stormwolf on 21-02-2011
My Big Toy Present
Hilarious! I do enjoy you now Albert. It took a while to understand your eccentric ways πŸ˜‰ but I sure like them now. This was great Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hah! That's great to know, Alison, as I'm a bit stuck in a rut with them. thanks & cheers, A πŸ™‚

Bradene on 21-02-2011
My Big Toy Present
Poor Dadda. I loved this. You do so remind me if Milligan, Val

Author's Reply:
He was the man, Val. In just a few words he plasters me with smiles. thanks a lot, A πŸ™‚

sybarite on 21-02-2011
My Big Toy Present
Wonderful surprise! Clever and the child's voice is well portrayed. I very much enjoyed this.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, S. Good to know it was convincing. Nice to see pc celebs giving this place a go. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

RoyBateman on 24-02-2011
My Big Toy Present
Certainly amusing and very different, but when the child's voice became familiar it dropped into place quite easily. As did dad, obviously. Should've gone to Specsavers.

Author's Reply:
Ha! Glad it worked ok for you, Roy, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 24-02-2011
My Big Toy Present
Brilliant - loved it! Choked on me Rosie Lea!

Author's Reply:
Heh! It's great to know I can still make people choke on their T. Thanks a lot, And. πŸ˜‰



Let's give it up for Rupert (posted on: 18-02-11)
 

Let's give it up for Rupert ----------------- The taming of the screws, the turning off the spew, I've given up The News of the World. Its paywall's got me cured, didn't have to go to Lourdes, I'm sat here glowing pure with no regrets. Now Sundays are for matches, football cricket, scoring catches, and to hell with them damn patches of knickerette.
Archived comments for Let's give it up for Rupert
geordietaf on 18-02-2011
Let’s give it up for Rupert
I'd be careful with your voicemail if you incur the wrath of Murdoch the Mighty! Loved the Knickerette.

Author's Reply:
Heh! thanks gt. Am very really not keen on M's paywalls. Hope they fail miserably. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 20-02-2011
Let’s give it up for Rupert
well done Albert. You have an original and quirky voice if I may say so πŸ˜‰ Alison x

Author's Reply:
You may indeed, Alison. Thanks a lot, Albert πŸ™‚


Hunger (posted on: 21-01-11)
 

Hunger ------ When I was about nine or ten I plucked up courage at break time to ask the class beauty for a bit of her chocolate bar She laughed and threw a piece on the ground I picked it up and ate it.
Archived comments for Hunger
e-griff on 21-01-2011
Hunger
mint aero?

Author's Reply:
You licked it?

pdemitchell on 21-01-2011
Hunger
Hi Albert - glad you lost the humili-ate gag! A basic diet is best. I'd have crapped in her lunch-box or ironed out her Curly-wurlies - maybe I did... I was a strange and lonely child....

Author's Reply:
I've never had someone being embarrassed for me before... weird. πŸ™‚ Ta, at least, for your approval in this matter. cheers Albertt πŸ™‚


Alive Alive Oh! (posted on: 17-01-11)
 

Alive Alive Oh! ---------- Walking home from the shops I spied a man I thought was dead. ''I thought you were dead!'' I didn't say and stopped and smiled ''Hello!'' His face went white as snow ''I thought you were dead!'' he said It was a body blow.
Archived comments for Alive Alive Oh!
stormwolf on 17-01-2011
Alive Alive Oh!
always nice to read your quirky brain Albert.
At least you never saw your doppleganger, that would really frighten the shit out of you! πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hah! dopplega... What a loverly jubbily word that is! Good to know that some of my stuff still works for you. Thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 17-01-2011
Alive Alive Oh!
That shows that it doesn't always pay to be considerate. Let it be a lesson.

Author's Reply:
...for others perhaps, but I quite like being me with all my "sorry's". cheers πŸ™‚

Andrea on 17-01-2011
Alive Alive Oh!
Ah, Tarsus Paul on his way to Damascus eh?

*sigh*

*sees the light*

Author's Reply:
am a heathen, Anders, but your take seems rather interesting. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 18-01-2011
Alive Alive Oh!
You have such an interesting way of delivering surprise to the reader, and it's always thoughtful and clever. I like that.

blessings,
jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta , jols. Glad to see you're still around.

Andrea on 21-01-2011
Alive Alive Oh!
Me too, Al, I just know the stories πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:


The Haiku Song (posted on: 14-01-11)
  with oddio    

The Haiku Song --------- hai-ku-hai kuuu hai so  fa  mi   so   mi ku-hai-ku hai-ku-hai kuu la  so  fa   la  so  fa   so hai-ku-hai kuuu hai so  fa  mi    re   mi
Archived comments for The Haiku Song
e-griff on 14-01-2011
The Haiku Song
so fa so good ... πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ha drop of golden sun. πŸ™‚

Nomenklatura on 14-01-2011
The Haiku Song
Hai Kudn't make head nor tail of it!!!!

Author's Reply:
Not like you.

Andrea on 14-01-2011
The Haiku Song
Reminds me of Seller/Milligan/Secombe's Ying Tong Song



Not much help, I know - sorry. Made me laugh, though.

Author's Reply:
Hope the truth has not been too overwhelming. πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 14-01-2011
The Haiku Song
Albert al Al berrrrrrt Mund Mund Alberrrrt
Thou art the Prince of whimsy
Mitch

Author's Reply:
Hah! You have found perfect way of keeping me sweet. cheers, Archie πŸ˜‰

Ionicus on 16-01-2011
The Haiku Song
"with oddio". If you mean what I think you mean, there is only one 'd'.

Author's Reply:
I'm sorry, Ionicus, but I never got where I am today without knowing how many d's are in odddio. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Ming's Shwite Christmas (posted on: 07-01-11)
 

Ming's Shwite Christmas --------------- sing song Bing's song wishing for snow Ming now cross be moans arctic woe sing song Bing's song next year, NO! glow ball, warm Ming green grass show.
Archived comments for Ming's Shwite Christmas
e-griff on 07-01-2011
Mings Shwite Christmas
I like him, frankly
and the film, johnly


John Francis Griffiths.

Author's Reply:
There was just something about Bing. He deserves to be immortalised in poetry. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 07-01-2011
Mings Shwite Christmas
Ah Albert twas yooooo on PC - sorry for da dis. With some changes? Sonics sound better. Ming Bing Sing Jing Ling...

Author's Reply:
That's why I love that place, Mitch. The crit is far more interesting. BTW - same answer with jing a ling a dingle bells on it. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰



New Year's Revolution (posted on: 31-12-10)
 

New Year's Revolution -------------- As the year evolves, I resolve to revolve in my volvo in search of revival in love department; revolver in glove compartment.
Archived comments for New Year's Revolution
e-griff on 31-12-2010
New Year’s Revolution
you have two revolves(and I didn't like it when I'd only read the first one). Unusually, may I suggest you 'involve' your Volvo ''in a search for revival in the love department''?

Author's Reply:
IT's a good sensible idea, e-g, but I like the stupidity of revolving in my volvo. I also like revolve and revolver. revolve/revival/revolver (with completely different meaning) sound good to me. It also makes the title work better. cheers & Happy New Year when it comes, Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 31-12-2010
New Year’s Revolution
Hi Albert - I tried revolving in Volvo but the handbrake sent my voice up three octaves. May I 'umbly suggest:

As the year evolves, I resolve
to revolve in my volvo to absolve
my revival in the love department;
with a handgun in my glove compartment. (nudge nudge)

Author's Reply:
I absolutely HATE your version, mitch. Absolve is awful and hand gun completely ruins the sonics. I'm assuming the nudge nudge was not part of your version ( that would just be too much to bear!)
cheers & Happy New Year when it comes. Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 31-12-2010
New Year’s Revolution
Fairy snuff, young Albert, you iz korreckt - I think your version is better - I couldn't resist the hand-gun inuendo or is that an Italian suppository - I forget. Sorry - New Years Eve - a perfect day for getting the Wisdom and the Anusol mixed up... have a good Manyahog. mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta for that, mitch. Have a ground hog. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰


Snobody Loves Me (posted on: 24-12-10)
 

Snobody Loves Me ----------- I posted the christmas card first class after double checking the address three times It took over a week to arrive but I recognised the handwriting almost immediately ''I love you'' it read ''I want to blanket you with my love button up your eyes and stick a carrot in your nose...''
Archived comments for Snobody Loves Me
Hulda on 26-12-2010
Snobody Loves Me
I guess nothing stays the same, for me this is very emotional and i felt it through my skin, you are not alone, love, hulda

Author's Reply:
Thanks, H and for rating. Am not really such a sad git though. cheesr, A πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 26-12-2010
Snobody Loves Me
Dear Albert, dear Albert, you are snot alone, dear Albert. The self-addressed Christmas card is there on the (dis)mantlepiece. Don't be a fool, have a cool yool and blessings upon ye. mitch πŸ™‚ At least it wasn't a carrot UP the nose this time.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, mitch and ditto. (a most welcome double act here at UKA) πŸ™‚

Hulda on 30-12-2010
Snobody Loves Me
I forgot to rate you, everyone loves you

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 30-12-2010
Snobody Loves Me
I never got it...;-(
Was it a card you wrote from a snow man/ woman?
I must be a trifle thick ;-(
Alison x

Author's Reply:
The snow and cold has made
this one of the most depressing
christmases ever.

I guess snow body is just trying
to cheer me up; make me look
even more attractive to her.

but snow body is still
nobody.


Ta for commenting. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


all i want for Xmas (posted on: 17-12-10)
 

all i want for Xmas ------------ all i want for Xmas is you to stop asking me what i want for Xmas is you.
Archived comments for all i want for Xmas
pdemitchell on 19-12-2010
all i want for Xmas
Merry Crimblement Sir Albert. A pithy missile-toe of a short. How about a CD of the Spice Hags singing 'I'll tell you what i want, what I really, really want'?

Author's Reply:
Hah! Almost out for a duck again. Ta lots, Mitch, and a very happy yuletiddley to you. Albert πŸ™‚

Hulda on 27-12-2010
all i want for Xmas
What does Albermund want for christmas ? Nothing! What did you get?

Author's Reply:
Her, Hulda. That's what I wanted. It was a long time ago. cheers Albert.


I, Drakula (posted on: 22-11-10)
 

I, Drakula --------- I love the drak and the drak loves me in the prak in the drak they can brak brak brak but I'd never cark and the moon don't faze and the stars shine blak on the uh-huh uh-huh pond I would ride a white shrak till the dwan when i'm gwan.
Archived comments for I, Drakula
e-griff on 22-11-2010
I, Drakula
beark, beark, beark, on thy cold grey stones, O sea!

Author's Reply:
A moving commentary, grifferson. πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 22-11-2010
I, Drakula
Tonal brak-fast there, young Albert on a par with me Rule of Three and the g'wan g'wan g'wan of the housekeeper in Father Ted. Anyway, I'm braking mad mesel' Cheerz. mitch

Author's Reply:
crikey, mitch. didn't think it was thaaat bad. πŸ˜‰


The Spin Cycle (posted on: 15-11-10)
 

The Spin Cycle --------- it rumbled and jumbled ranted and raved, whirled at me skirled at me rattled sideways then all of a sudden it shuddered and stopped when I opened the door she was gone.
Archived comments for The Spin Cycle
pdemitchell on 15-11-2010
The Spin Cycle
And there's always one sock missing - and a D from 'and' in line 2 - the fun Hot point of existence, my good Albert! Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
fixed - it's za killa nussi actually. cheers & ta Albert πŸ˜‰

Corin on 15-11-2010
The Spin Cycle
Sounds like an effective method of disposal.

David

Author's Reply:
Just first time lucky I reckon. Albert πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 15-11-2010
The Spin Cycle
flandango!

(I'm a flong)

Author's Reply:
are you dung flonging?

Bradene on 16-11-2010
The Spin Cycle
I loved your poem but I also love griff's comment. (-; Valx

Author's Reply:
Heh! A double whammy then. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

mikebauer on 19-11-2010
The Spin Cycle
the concept seems to be that twirling is a dizzy and unknowable thing, since this verselet doesn't seem to match the actual physical reality of that machine which tumbles. possibly, reading it out-loud would help the author find the actual shape of this poem -- the poem should at least feel like the inside of a metallic and perforated evaporator -- something to slip around in, rather than watch from ta distance in ironic detachment.

i think the whole thing has to be approached from a fresh point of view -- deciding why you're really writing this lite-verse and who the audience really should be, rather than who'll allow you to post it. if it's only about making the one jack-in-the-box move of surprising us, then that's something else, something with its own reality. you're going at it with 'her', in life's tumble, and it's a game of tag, or a game of chase? it's not obvious in this one why you'd even care to watch her spin.

Author's Reply:
Ta for the crit. mb. I should make it clear, however, that this poem was written by my dog and I have just finished giving him a damn good kicking. I 'm pretty sure he has learnt his lesson and we shan't be requiring your services in the short term/ medium term/ or even prolonged active life term. cheers A.


Mr Chuckyll (posted on: 12-11-10)
 

[IMG]http://i1041.photobucket.com/albums/b411/dedlos/chuckyllsmallish.jpg[/IMG] Mr Chuckyll -------- His jeepers peepers scored much bread. They hypnotized us to his head. They tickled men and women spread. Dear Marty Feldman now long dead. He had a beard its name was Fred kept hidden in the garden shed. At night they'd roam as scary Ted. Well that's what Wikipedia said.
Archived comments for Mr Chuckyll
pdemitchell on 12-11-2010
Mr Chuckyll
Hi Albert - surreal Milliganesquery - I like it and I'm sure Marty would have approved. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta, pd. Nice to know that. Cheers, A:)

sunken on 13-11-2010
Mr Chuckyll
Are you sure that's not your pic, Mr. Albermund? I'll be frank (I did it myyyyyyyyyy way) that's just how I imagined you to look? Surreal is always good in my book. You do it so well. Why does that sound like an insult? It really wasn't. Have a Bernard. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
I'm flattered you think so, S. Ta for the B. cheers, A. πŸ˜‰


Arty Farty (posted on: 08-11-10)
 

Arty Farty ------- Some days is good    Some days is bad Sun days is good      Sundays is bland Some days i's sober          Sclum daze i'z canned Best days -- them poem days             done            sat on          lavvy pan.
Archived comments for Arty Farty
Bradene on 08-11-2010
Arty Farty
Now this is real toilet humour {-; .. Fantastic. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, Val. Real kind of you to say so. cheers albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 08-11-2010
Arty Farty
This is how I'd right it:

Some days are good and some are bad
Sunny days are nice and Sunday is a bore
Sometimes I'm sober, but there are some days when I get intoxicated
The best days are when I finish an ode and go and have a crap.

--- and if you don't like my version, you must be stupid! And I may have to abuse you publicly --- so don't get me riled, okay?


Author's Reply:
Long may your bum reek, e-g. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Beth on 08-11-2010
Arty Farty
Hi Albermund, This made me laugh, I liked the third stanza, where the spelling seems as drunk as the narrator. Brilliant! Regards Beth

Author's Reply:
Ta, Beth. Glad you got kick out of this. Albert πŸ™‚

Elfstone on 08-11-2010
Arty Farty
Clever; funny; made me smile!

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Elf. Always happy to know that. Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 11-11-2010
Arty Farty
Ey up - sir Albert - ye've bin bauered on UKA! Fun, fun, fun but don't get sunburt on the jobbie. Cheerz. Mitch

Author's Reply:
Hah, thanks! BTW It's real funny how MB's been avoiding your stuff. You must be a bit disappointed. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 12-11-2010
Arty Farty
I'm glad to see you've had an incredibly orgasmic explosion in your pants, much like a cannon launching an endless torrent of spooge, according to some. Marvellous!

Author's Reply:
thks, A. Gld you appreciated my doodles. cheers, A :))


Just a few words (posted on: 18-10-10)
 

Just a few words    ----------- I pray most nights; just a few words of thanks, hopes, wishes earnest requests... and when the sad times come again there will be much wailing and gnashing of sandwiches but no matter how bad the hurt I will not blame him, curse him ask why such things are allowed to happen 'cos I don't believe in G..
Archived comments for Just a few words
sunken on 20-10-2010
Just a few words
Loved it! Why no comments? Why no Nib? Miserable sods. Have a smelly Bernard, my good fellow. I know it's not the same, but it's something... kinda.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Ta. sunks. I love getting the Bernies. cheers mate. πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 20-10-2010
Just a few words
Hi Albert! Yep - I've consumed too many post-internment cucumber sandwiches and sherry. G.. premature supplication there. So what do you prey to then? A fine short short with enjambment tapered to shape. hey, It's gone quiet around here isn't it? Been busy with final edits of book five but posted four poo-ems on that site to very mixed reponses but luckily no mikebauer-jharrison bloodshed yet. A ver' ver' odd site with some absolute crap dressed up as art, a lot pf pretension but also gems and a lot of decent crit buried amongst the warfare, posturing, txt-splat and rambling. Cheerz. mitch.

Author's Reply:
Have seen your stuff there, mitch, and it's been pretty well received. I think you'll be a good asset to the site as you are here. Whilst it's a very different place to UKA I like both sites very much. Just hope you will be able to withstand being insulted, abused and flamed ceaselessly if you step out of line as perceived by some of my fellow 'unknowns' who unfortunately love to go on the 'wind up' and drag all us 'unks' down. As said before, don't whine, especially about the 'unks', It's a recipe for terminal harrassment.

Glad you liked this. cheers, Albert.

pdemitchell on 24-10-2010
Just a few words
Just saw this on the other site - ye Gods, I see what you mean about the commets. Vicious sniping and amidst a bewilderment of unks. Hey, that's a title right there! Cheers, Mitch. πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
I'm inured to almost anything, mitch. A year or so ago someone started a message board post asking people to give examples of what they thought were the worst ever poems ever posted on Poetry Critical (PC). He then proceeded to give two examples of his own which he thought were particularly hilarious - both of which were mine! (and particular favourites of mine too, heh!)

e-griff on 25-10-2010
Just a few words
How lovely it is here, Mrs Albermund ... πŸ™‚

did you know, while US youth comes about 25th (or so) in the world in attainment of educational knowledge, they come absolute top in confidence in their own ability?

a lesson for us all.

Author's Reply:
Heh!... that would be a great topic for PC's message board. πŸ˜‰


The Pigeon (posted on: 11-10-10)
 

The Pigeon --------- I shot it with my canon He shot it with his rifle Feathers flew across the garden fence.
Archived comments for The Pigeon
pdemitchell on 11-10-2010
The Pigeon
I hate town pigeons - flying rats! Pointy birds, pointy, pointy, annoint my head, annointy nointy. Enjoyable short. Put Neon Pretty on that site - instant helpful crit but it has problems with a few sly critters. cheers. mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Correct that to - slews of sly shitters, mitch, heh! They toughen one up though. It's the price one pays for the open house policy which makes the place so unique. LOts of people start out there blathering on about how wonderful a site it is before the whining about 'unknown' postings becomes their sad mantra. BTW, watch out for bmikebauer alias trashpoodle alias dog with boner extraordinaire who spouts'n'riddles all over the place. I find it best (after much research) to thank him and (try to) move on. LOts of gems amongst the crap. Isabelle5 is real trooper in the critique stakes though can go hopelessly awry on occasion. good luck and cheers for comments on this. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 12-10-2010
The Pigeon
coo!

still trying to work it out ....

Author's Reply:
just go a bit snappy wi' him, that's all. πŸ˜‰

Bradene on 12-10-2010
The Pigeon
Puts me in mind of neighbours having a right go over the garden fence, that's just my weird take on your Milliganesque poem. (-; Valx

Author's Reply:
just a wee bit further to zoom, Val. πŸ˜‰

sirat on 12-10-2010
The Pigeon
Interesting little piece. Might have been even more poignant if neither of them managed to hit the pigeon but wiped out one another.

Author's Reply:
Heh! I don't think you're my biggest fann, S. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 12-10-2010
The Pigeon
Despite the fact that I'm rather fond of pigeons, especially the wooded variety (I feed 'em daily), I'm rather fond of this too, although I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because it made me smile. I do hope it was supposed to!

Author's Reply:
It's true story-ish, Andrea, and I'm happy you managed a smile. Ta for commenting, cheers, Albert.
BTW we're fond of our local pigeons too, and love to hear them cooing away. πŸ˜‰


Beverley's Thrittle (posted on: 08-10-10)
 

Beverley's Thrittle ------------- Her thrittle went - rev reva-reva rev-rev reva-reva rev-rev rev rev... sounded like a motorbike but smelt bit different like as she reared up it went - rev reva-reva rev-rev reva-reva rev-rev rev rev... there was fire in her belly and my belly was on fire flames fanned by the - rev reva-reva rev-rev reva-reva rev-rev rev rev... stomach churning as we bucked I eventually up - chucked chucka-chucka chuck-chuck chucka-chucka chuck-chuck chuck chucked... turned out later, it was Bev not some dicky chicken kiev but some licky stuff from rev reva-reva rev-rev reva-reva rev-rev rev lon.
Archived comments for Beverley's Thrittle
e-griff on 08-10-2010
Beverley’s Thrittle
so why wasn't this in the challenge? πŸ™‚



Author's Reply:
just reminiscing, e-g. πŸ˜‰

Nomenklatura on 08-10-2010
Beverley’s Thrittle
Beats me!

Author's Reply:
Heh! Beats me too, Nomks. πŸ˜‰

Bradene on 08-10-2010
Beverley’s Thrittle
This would have been great for last Wednesday's challenge, very original as we have come to expect from you. Another great read surely Valx

Author's Reply:
Glad you got into the swing, Val, Ta vry much , Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 08-10-2010
Beverley’s Thrittle
I do love your anarchic poetry, Albert.
People have rightly asked why you don't contribute to the weekly challeng in the Forum. You would be most welcome.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Luigi. That's good to know and ta for kind invite. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 10-10-2010
Beverley’s Thrittle
hi young Albert - I see tha's indulgin' in a bi' o' irrevlonerance frae th' poetry critical site. Verra verra ver' ver' enjoyable. Long may your innards smoulder! mitch

Author's Reply:
!!!! are you posting there, mitch? Would love to see what reaction your stuff would get. It's quite a jungle but being able to post and comment as unknown is truly wondrous. cheers, Albert
BTW - real revved to know you enjoyed. πŸ˜‰


...BREAKING NEWS... (noty pos) (posted on: 04-10-10)
 

...BREAKING NEWS... I'm sorry, Sky please excuse my omnimpotence but I have calculated to the nearest decimal point that the UK's Outlook will be completely unaffected by viewers' inability to observe your weather girl's legs for the next few weeks. In fract your cameraman might consider this a widow of opportunity to zoom in on bonnie Scotland a bit more...
Archived comments for ...BREAKING NEWS... (noty pos)
pdemitchell on 05-10-2010
...BREAKING NEWS...
Hi young Albert - I've been practicing my Sian Lloyd martial arts techniques - especially that curling fingers-flick she always gave poor Scotland. Still, Lembit Opik, eh? Death to the Satanic Murdoch empire I say! One too many Ms in omnipotence though. A thoughtful meteorologic muse on SKY legs... Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
erm 'em urgg... I thot you woz one o' them intelli gents, mitch. Omnimpotence is very important setting scene word in this here masterpeas. Thank you very much for starting ball rolling though. You have a thing about SL cos I think you mentioned her in previous weather epic of mine. I always would go for cheeky girls myself and have noticed Lembit has very nice newbit with his chin which is sort of oxymoronic. Anyways, cheers, matey, Albert;)

sunken on 05-10-2010
...BREAKING NEWS... (noty pos)
Another clever and witty piece, my good fellow. Should fract be fact in third from last line? I suspect, like my brain cells, that I'm missing something. Nice work, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n

don't talk to me about gearboxes

Author's Reply:
Ta, sunks. The fract was deliberate but you have to read it out aloud with following word to get the menacing effect that woz I trying to achieve (same as per 'widow'). cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 05-10-2010
...BREAKING NEWS... (noty pos)
Sorry Albert. I was indeed missing the point. I've done a google and discovered that the word fract is related to camera lenses and stuff. I seem to learn something every week from your subs. I'm not sure that an educated sunk is a good thing. I was once told by a physics teacher that I'd be dangerous if I had a brain. How rude! Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

please sir, can i have canary?

Author's Reply:
we're both learning, sunks. Hope my last reply made everything crystal. πŸ™‚

e-griff on 05-10-2010
...BREAKING NEWS... (noty pos)
Latin: Frango, frangere, fregi, fractum.
-- break.

bit like Twingo, twingere, twegi, twactum
-- drive a certain car



Author's Reply:
...or twactor πŸ˜‰


Harris Tottle (posted on: 01-10-10)
 

Harris Tottle -------- Harris Tottle - Mistah Big baked a pi of roastah pyg Topped it with yurika seeds dished it up to Archie Meeds Archie Meeds, math matics nut eyeballed it, his face went phut For once in life, completely flustered: he'd just wanted a plato custard.
Archived comments for Harris Tottle
e-griff on 01-10-2010
Harris Tottle
My kind of title

My kind of pome

G

Author's Reply:
Thanks, e-g. πŸ™‚

Bradene on 01-10-2010
Harris Tottle
Just Brilliant.. Valx

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, Val. πŸ™‚

Nomenklatura on 03-10-2010
Harris Tottle
Ah, g'wan. Give it a nib!

Author's Reply:
A good title for my next poem πŸ˜‰ Thanks lots, Nomks πŸ™‚

sunken on 03-10-2010
Harris Tottle
I agree. Where the fcuk's the nib? Bernard, cute as he is, just doesn't do it/you justice. I blame... TJ Hooker. Never did trust him.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Bernard's fantabulous, Sunks. cheers, matey. πŸ™‚


One Flew Over the Cuckold's Nest (posted on: 27-09-10)
 

One Flew Over the Cuckold's Nest -------------------- Still she proffers her love But it is cold and crumbles to my feet for robin to feast on.
Archived comments for One Flew Over the Cuckold's Nest
e-griff on 27-09-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
sometimes good, sometimes not so (now and then), but always different and interesting and worth reading

G

Author's Reply:
Cheers, e-g. That was much appreciated. Albert :))

pdemitchell on 28-09-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Hi Albert - What! no native American marriage guidance counsellor? Short and thoughtful. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hah! or rather Hah Hah Wat Hah! Ta mitch. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 28-09-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Your poem made me think a great deal about the whole 'cuckhold' thing. Seeing how there are different takes on this subject in general, ie, one choosing to be such, etc. (as in porn, yes, that's probably more information than you wanted, but there ya go.) or as in your poem.

It's a powerful piece for such few words and I suspect gave others their own journey as it did me, and that's what good writing is all about.

Well done.

blessings,
jolen

Author's Reply:
Heh! Ta for the info, J. Glad you liked my version despite the distractions. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Jolen on 28-09-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
p.s. Loved the title too!

Author's Reply:
I love doing titles and it's great when they are appreciated. Ta vry much, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 29-09-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
What's a cuckhold? That question is begging for a punchline... But I'll be buggered if I can think of one. I'll get me google on.

s
u
n
k
e
n

excuse me, do you have this in spandex?

Author's Reply:
Are you any the wiser, sunks?

sunken on 03-10-2010
One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Ahh - It all makes sense now. Very clever. I'd never heard of that word before.

Definition from planet Googlio - Cuckold is a derogatory term for a man whose wife is or has been unfaithful.

I am indeed wiser, thank you very much Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

don't talk to me about cornflakes

Author's Reply:


Time Travellers (posted on: 24-09-10)
 

Time Travellers ------------- Old man walking caught my eye as we were passing passing by He looked like me but me, gone bad almost my height he seemed quite sad          ~ Young man walking caught my eye as we were passing passing by He looked like me when oh, so young about my height he seemed quite glum          ~ Two strangers caught each other's eye long-faced and blue they passed on by...
Archived comments for Time Travellers
Jolen on 24-09-2010
Time Travellers
Oh, you've gone all deep on us. And well done on the nib, it's certainly merited here. This has just enough ambiguity to keep the reader in suspense and still clear enough that one can take it and run with it. For me, it felt like life-- stages fleeting.

Much enjoyed,
jolen

Author's Reply:
thanks, jolen. Glad you tuned in. I'd been meaning to write about this for a good few years now and am amazed at how well it has been received. cheers a lot, Albert

e-griff on 24-09-2010
Time Travellers
two halves of a whole, a whole in two halves. very clever.

I detected a certain weakness in the two final verse lines 'he seemed quite ...' can't quite say why, seems a little simplistic, unsophisticated.

Still, that's a small point and maybe personal to me alone.

Best, JohnG



Author's Reply:
ta for your ideas e-g. Glad you thought it worked ok. cheers, Albert:)

Bradene on 24-09-2010
Time Travellers
I thought this was a bit of magic, wish I had written it myself. Great. Valx

Author's Reply:
Hah! Thanks a lot, Val. It's really something when someone says that. πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 24-09-2010
Time Travellers
Hi Albert - ya gone all fizzical and meta-fizzical here in inimitittittable style and well worthy of the nibblet. Touche Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Delighted you thought so, mitch. ta lots, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 26-09-2010
Time Travellers
I detected nothing but pure Albermund magic. Well done on the nib, fella. Long may it flow.

s
u
n
k
e
n

some of his friends are human

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, Sunks. Can't quite believe how well this one went. πŸ™‚


Little Big Country (posted on: 20-09-10)
 

Little Big Country ------------ Was a little kid when I were young who always did what should be done and never thought to cause upset but NO I weren't the teacher's pet just a little kid when I were young who mostly did what should be done and never caused that much upset and never were the teacher's pet just a little kid when I were young who shot his mother with a gun "Bang! Bang!" I yelled, she fell, shocked down at tea my father with a frown said "no more playing with guns, young man, and westerns on tv are banned..." farewell Rawhide brave Bronco Lane adiσs Laramie and Wagon Train so long, cowboy suit, chucked in the bin the times they were a changin'... Am a little kid now I am old and soon returning to the fold and I wanna be a cowboy when I die yes I wanna be a cowboy when I die to ride the range like Rowdy Yates bean fart as sunsets dissipate scream out "Yee Haw" and lasso God and do fun things with a cattle prod go mosey up to maw and paw confront them with ma lightnin' draw then smile, corral them to my chest; the best-est parents in the West.
Archived comments for Little Big Country
pdemitchell on 21-09-2010
Little Big Country
Why am I thinking of Toy Story and deprived childhoods? A little more unravelled than your usual fare but apart from a wee tidy needed, stirring stuff, pardner. mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta for your comments, mitch. Do you wanna expand on 'wee tidy' or do you think it safer not to, heh! cheers, Albert who don't mind being called unravelled... πŸ˜‰


The Shit (posted on: 17-09-10)


"We're all     in it together."
Archived comments for The Shit
discopants on 17-09-2010
The Shit
Must be the shortest poem- or joke- that has made me chuckle...

Author's Reply:
Heh! Any chuckles are most welcome, disco. They're an endangered species in this neck of the woods. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Making of Ophelia (posted on: 10-09-10)
 

The Making of Ophelia --------------- Her body lies abandoned sheet slashed across naked torso Hair - dishevelled Head - oddly angled Eyes -unseeing Face - slightly bloated but unmarked Nose - convivial Ears - akimbo Mouth - set half open showing occasional teeth lipstick on mirror - my phone no. her call... (fingers - crossed)
Archived comments for The Making of Ophelia
pdemitchell on 10-09-2010
The Making of Ophelia
Ears akimbo - eyes crossed - a fine and stuttering piece of Albert and suggestive too with a hint of a police ID list - great fun. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta, mitch, glad you rolled with this. cheers, Albert. πŸ™‚

sunken on 12-09-2010
The Making of Ophelia
I would describe this piece as 'oddly fascinating' - A bit like your good self, Mr. Albermund. This is a good thing.

s
u
n
k
e
n

dying to be

Author's Reply:
That's more than good enough for me, sunks. cheers, matey. πŸ™‚


My Phone (posted on: 30-08-10)
 

My Phone -------- It snuggles in my pocket My girlfriend loves to clock it It makes her moan, it makes her groan for she is stuck with i(plod)Phone the only prob when sun outside I am completely mystified The screen is dark too hrd to c for phone calls or photography but there's a fix I always use go home re-read its glowing reviews lie back and gloat kick off my blues...
Archived comments for My Phone
pdemitchell on 30-08-2010
My Phone
Ah, I see, you obviously have it set to vibrate! A clever techno liddle diddy - the police and their I-plods eh? Mitch

Author's Reply:
I'm in love with my Desire, Mitch! Thks for yer comments , Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 02-09-2010
My Phone
Hello Mr. Albermund. They say you're either an I-phone or a Blackberry kinda person. I always imagined myself favouring the I-phone. Recently, however, I have had the pleasure of using a Blackberry. I am converted. The ease with which it performs the tasks requested of it fused with a screen that adapts to the light conditions of your surroundings makes this piece of technology a sure fire winner. Ahem. Hang on, I'm taking this far too seriously aren't I? Another clever sub and no mistake, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

voted least likely to save the recite

Author's Reply:
Cheers, you old fruit'n'nutcase πŸ˜‰ The Desire Roolz. Fanny tastic matey 'part of course from that darned pesky sun. Sheesh.. must go run read them reviews again...

sunken on 02-09-2010
My Phone
Ahem. Also voted 'most likely to spell receipt wrong'. Doh!

s
u
n
k
e
n

he can't see the point of mini cheddar

Author's Reply:


: O ( (posted on: 27-08-10)
 

: O ( ------ I laugh at them they laugh at him he laughs at me
Archived comments for : O (
e-griff on 27-08-2010
: O (
we laugh
at we

hee--hee! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
so much
we wii

all way
ho--home

πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 27-08-2010
: O (
The smirkle in the round! Mitch

Author's Reply:
on the ball again, mitchers. πŸ˜‰


a stupid haiku (posted on: 23-08-10)
 

a stupid haiku: not even proper haiku; just stupid haiku
Archived comments for a stupid haiku
pdemitchell on 23-08-2010
a stupid haiku
A nice idea and stab, young Albert, but ya need a but more subtle tea for me tee hee hee - methinks. cheerz mitch

Author's Reply:
I could say that the subtlety of this piece lies in its unsubtlety but that of course that would be complete bollocks. cheers, mitch, Albert πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 23-08-2010
a stupid haiku
Well it ain't as bad as my efforts, and it did contain the correct number of syllabubs...

If that's any consolation

Author's Reply:
You are far too kind, Anders. πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 23-08-2010
a stupid haiku
yes .... πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Glad it didn't disappoint. Cheers πŸ˜‰

sunken on 24-08-2010
a stupid haiku
Hello Mr. Albermund. I'm still of the mind that 'Haiku' is a flat-pack furniture range sold at Ikea. What this has to do with poetry is beyond both my good self and my terrapin, Terry. Here Terry... who's a good boy then, who's a good boy... ahem. I trust this stupid comment befits your stupid Haiku? I'll be frank, I've no idea if it's stupid or not. Have ya tried slotting 'B' into 'C' and then turning the grub screws until the arrows are aligned with the underside of panel 'A'? Flat-pack is a pain isn't it? I blame Sweden.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he doesn't trust tarmac

Author's Reply:
You know, sunkers, it was worth writing stupid haiku just for that. cheers ;))


The Vital Statistics of Double Deckers (posted on: 20-08-10)
 

The Vital Statistics of Double Deckers ------------------------- young model 34 22 34 up top, late afternoon 16 47 16 fondles tiddles 13 12 14 and contemplates approaching busst op 44 22 34.
Archived comments for The Vital Statistics of Double Deckers
e-griff on 20-08-2010
The Vital Statistics of Double Deckers
bus top? I ask you! πŸ™‚

what a world you live in, Mr Mund.

Author's Reply:
A world when everyone knew that Mrs T was a 32 27 35 and her son was lost in a desert with only tears of laughter to sustain him.

pdemitchell on 22-08-2010
The Vital Statistics of Double Deckers
This appealed to my inner guppy - silicon meets liposuction whiile tiddles fiddles - a good slice of rampant numeracy my dear Albert. mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Heh! Guppies of the world unite and read my stuff. πŸ˜‰ cheers & ta, Mitch, Albert πŸ™‚


Come September (posted on: 16-08-10)
 

Come September ------------- He will come September time he always does and we shall call and meet him by the gate where he will make his home and warm our hearts again through winter days his gentle touch will still amaze and in the bitter snows we shall look out and watch him sing his chest ablaze.
Archived comments for Come September
Romany on 16-08-2010
Come September
Beautiful and gentle. Lovely read on an early Monday morning, thank you.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, R. We love our wee pal. πŸ™‚

sunken on 24-08-2010
Come September
Hello Mr. Albermund. I think this is one of your best. It should have been nibbed. I blame the nibbers preoccupation with quadratic equations. Mad on them they are. It's like all maths with them of late, and sod the literature. I've a good mind to express my views via the gift of dance. Ahem. Anyway, top write (in my sunky opinion).

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thks, sunks 'n' bernie. It's good to know that the folk who like this *really* like it. Can't wait for the wee fellow to pop back into our lives. Cheers, albert πŸ™‚


The Girl with the Crocodile Smile (posted on: 02-08-10)
 

The Girl with the Crocodile Smile ---------------------- She bewitches, beguiles I am young and so green When out, hand in hand we stop chatter, midstream But her teeth are too big and inclined to be snappy at night without lights I am never too happy and sometimes the roars from her snores are so frightening the bed gets flash flooded we're thunder and lightening with flare ups and swear ups and shrieks that break dishes till she turns on that smile and gives me three swishes...
Archived comments for The Girl with the Crocodile Smile
pdemitchell on 05-08-2010
The Girl with the Crocodile Smile
Whis was a long one for you my dear Albert with a little sting in the tail - ahem. Well rhymed and full of whimsy - that's how I like it. Buy her a matching handbag! Mitch πŸ˜›

Author's Reply:
Hah! Cheers, mitch. Good to know there's someone here without aversion to crocs. rgds, Albert πŸ˜‰


Once Upon a Time in West London (posted on: 26-07-10)
 

Once Upon a Time in West London ------------------ Got back late... staggering; him to bathroom. Reappeared chewing on cigarillo; large fringed towel draped over his chest and shoulders "Them cheekbones, them angel eyes; you shure dead ringer for Lee Van Cleef" he drooled softly and began to parade the room in circles of ever decreasing sobriety... it was my first week in the Big Smoke my first flatshare first beers with room mate first of many sleepless nights.
Archived comments for Once Upon a Time in West London
pdemitchell on 26-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
circles of ever
decreasing sobriety... brilliant!

with a slight twist here methinks though I've never met anyone who could drool softly.

To qoute JC-C: "he makes love like a footballer:
he dribbles before he shoots!"

Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Heh! You never met my flartmate. cheers, m. Glad you like the coeds, rgds Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 27-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
This is brilliant! Loved it.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Cheers very much for the boost, R. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 27-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
Bum. PDE of Mitchel picked out my fave line already...

'and began to parade the room in circles of ever
decreasing sobriety...'

Works for me. Deserves to be nibbed, in my sunken opinion. Best I can do is slap a flea-ridden old beagle on ya. Life can be so unfair.

s
u
n
k
e
n




Author's Reply:
Somehow it got there in the end, Sunks. I reckon Bernie nose his stuff. Ta vry much, Albert πŸ™‚

Munster on 28-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
Just makes you think back to our early days, would we swap them.
Maybe a few.
Great piece

Tony

Author's Reply:
The flat was on Abbey Rd and I felt really cool, man, heh! Great memories. Cheers Tony, thanks Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 28-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
Nice one, Albert
Nice one, son! (was your mother in Hemel Hempstead many years ago?)

a fullsome attempt for a change, well received ...

Author's Reply:
A place I've never been e-g. Mum was an overnight sleeper away unlike my room mate who was fished back home on a regular basis. Glad you approved. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 28-07-2010
Once Upon a Time in West London
Definately your best to date!
Made me laugh alright.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Delighted to know that, storm, glad you got a giggle. He was a real character. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


A Poem about Climate Change (posted on: 23-07-10)
 

A Poem about Climate Change --------------------- Spring Summer Autism Winter...
Archived comments for A Poem about Climate Change
Romany on 23-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
I'm not sure I understad this. I am well aquainted with Autism and I appreciate the word play here, but what is the signifigance of replacing the word for Autumn? This one has puzzled me.

Author's Reply:
Dang! πŸ™

pdemitchell on 23-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Hi Sir Al of Bert. I has to agree with the Romany - ya lost me on this one - sprung, simmer, flop and witter. Nope - I can't do it! Damn. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Double Dang!! :(:(

Nomenklatura on 23-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
multum in parvo

Author's Reply:
Thank effus πŸ˜‰

Corin on 23-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Romany and Mitch -A child with autism has a a poor prognosis.
A human race with Autism because it cannot respond meaningfully to its own environment or communicate with each other has a wintry future!

Author's Reply:
Each to his own.

Romany on 26-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Hi Corin, child with Autism doesn't necessarily have a poor prognosis - it depends on the severity of the condition he is affected with. Neither does a person afflicted with autism necessarily have a poor quality of life, so whilst I appreciate your explanation, I have to be honest and say it still doesn't make much sense to me, although I do understand the reference to poor communications with others - though again, even that depends very much on the severity of the condition.

Albermund, do you have any intention of clarifying what you meant at all or are you happy for us to draw our own conclusions, or not, as the case may be?

Just curious now!

'Romany.

Author's Reply:
Hi, Romany

Not keen on explanations but you've been insistently polite so I'll give it a go.

It's about the climate change within a family unit when autism takes hold of a kiddy after the joys of birth and toddlership. In my experiences everyone is affected and it can be hellish. Sure, degrees of autism will vary (I guess us folks could be classed as a bit poetistic!) but in general I would think it's a real downer for parents, at least until they can get their heads round how to cope and to manage changes in routine and expectations. The ellipsis is meant to signify this.

cheers, Albert

admin on 26-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Anything to do with the annual 'Autumn Run for Autism' ? Oh well, wild guess πŸ™‚

His stuff is always multum in parvo πŸ™‚



Author's Reply:
Heh! Before this poem I'd never heard of multum in parvo or arfa. πŸ˜‰ Have attempted explanation to Romany if you're still interested. cheers, Albert

Andrea on 27-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Live and learn (hopefully), live and learn - both of us, it seems. Thanks.

Author's Reply:

Romany on 27-07-2010
A Poem about Climate Change
Ah, now I understand and now I see where you are coming from! Thank you for your explanation and your patience Albermund.

Romany x

Author's Reply:


David Cameron died today (posted on: 19-07-10)
 

David Cameron died today -------------------- David Cameron died today when mending the roof a harriet jet swooped so low he fell off his ladder It reminded me of when Barack Obama was fatally savaged by Bri and Tish his bf's pet roleums.
Archived comments for David Cameron died today
pdemitchell on 19-07-2010
David Cameron died today
You can but hope... politically, that is. Amusing, as ever, my dear Al and Bert. mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta , mitch, as always for your kind remarks. We do try our best to see the sunny side. πŸ™‚

admin on 19-07-2010
David Cameron died today
Very clever wordplay. Worthy of the nib.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, ad. and glad you agree. cheers, albert:)


The Awakening (posted on: 16-07-10)
 

The Awakening ----------- I sparkled today; someone said a kind word. I think it went something like this ... "Hello"
Archived comments for The Awakening
e-griff on 16-07-2010
The Awakening
Hello! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
HAHAHAHAHA... HAlbert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 16-07-2010
The Awakening
Here's another one...'lovely'

Made me smile in irony.

Author's Reply:
I love to read you're smiling. Thank you. Albert - smelling. πŸ™‚

sunken on 16-07-2010
The Awakening
Hello Mr. Albermund. Ya know, I see a lollypop man almost every day. All I ever say to him is 'Morning'. I must extend my social vocabulary. I may say 'Good morning' to him next week. A neat ickul piece and no mistake. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

ground control to tony blair

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Sunks. I now have this weird vision of you running sensibly across a zebra crossing wearing short pants and a beard. Albert ;).

Bradene on 16-07-2010
The Awakening
Wonderful! Really nostalgic when you think about it. People really did used to smile and greet each other once, didn't they... very effective. Valx

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Val. It's amazing how little it takes to flip one way or the other. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Gee on 16-07-2010
The Awakening
I once worked in a large office in the city. I got in the lift the first morning and no one talked. I'm a country girl - can't shut me up. By the end of the week everyone in the lift was chatting.
Short, sweet and very true. I liked it.
Gee x

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Gee. Mind you I'd probably use the other lift. heh!, Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 17-07-2010
The Awakening
I used to work in London and every day I saw the same people on the Underground and nobody greeted each other.
I now live further north and on my way to buy the paper strangers say 'hello' or 'good morning' every time.
It could be a culture divide.

Author's Reply:
Passing strangers are just nice and uncomplicated, I. In an underground carriage you may actually have to make conversation... AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! πŸ˜‰ (well, between stops anyway!)


Amar Saday (posted on: 12-07-10)
 

Amar Saday ----------- A young boy dreams of life on Mars, and green men that look funny. A grandad dreams of life next day and choccy bar that helps the pains so you thand he, and knees that work, can forsake rest, and play ---------------------------------------------> football!
Archived comments for Amar Saday
Elfstone on 12-07-2010
Amar Saday
Having a quick read before I head off - I like this, but I think the layout could be improved. Elf
(PS - you have a typo in the 6th line.)

Author's Reply:
Heh! There's method in me formadness, E. typo was also deliberate but read out loud line shd still work fine. Hope you can twig it. Ta for commenting. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


pdemitchell on 12-07-2010
Amar Saday
Hi Albert - I like it as yer usual quirky fare but I have to agree with Sir Elf of Stone on the layout and typo. I would like to try a deep-fried Mars bar one day and then play waddle-ball as the arteries gurgle... Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers, M. Pls check out my reply to Elfstone re problemmatics. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 12-07-2010
Amar Saday
hmmm, I had an idea that 'you thand he' was an interesting thingy (youth and he) , but who am I to justify typos?

Answer: A lone voice! πŸ™‚

Me: okay thanks, *mmmmmms*

Author's Reply:
Heh! You're getting there, e-g. πŸ˜‰

Nomenklatura on 13-07-2010
Amar Saday
I saw what you were at because of the clue in the title.

Author's Reply:
Can't remember the last time I've heard these words. Perhaps I'm watching too much internet.:)

cat on 14-07-2010
Amar Saday
To my mind very Cumming's, E and E. All your bit's and pieces. Nice πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, Cat. cheers, Albert Albert πŸ˜‰

sunken on 14-07-2010
Amar Saday
Good to see you getting the comments these days, Mr. Albermund. It's also good to see the nibbers getting it right again.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
am still in shock, S Many licks to Bernard whose regular attentions has made all this possible. cheers and thanks, Albert πŸ™‚


Whirlwind Romance (posted on: 05-07-10)
 

Whirlwind Romance -------------- Fresh face, well stacked I was turned on she yacked smiled straight at me then turned away yack yack twirled back and glowed then turned aside yack yack whirled back so hot then turned her back smack smack her bottom if I only could rip rip her blouse off spill her magnitude lunge plunge upon her with a mighty grunt impale my face in her warm front she swirled back cool with l'attitude yack yack my longitude showed gratitude yack yack but laughing eyes left me becalmed yack yack as I turned off she waved an arm yack yack at weather chart...
Archived comments for Whirlwind Romance
pdemitchell on 05-07-2010
Whirlwind Romance
My word, Albert, this is long for you and full of meterological puns for lust you've occluded sorry included. Ah... Sian Lloyd with her Bruce Lee like finger gyrations flicking poor Scotland in the eye. I fear you'll be playing the organic oboe along to Sailing By and the shipping forecast next: Trafalagar - westerly gale force ten (yessss!) veering southerly storm force twelve (give it to me baby!) hail and squally thundery showers - GOOD! Tidy as we sez in Kairdiff. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers, mitch. We definitely need more welsh gits on this site. albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 11-07-2010
Whirlwind Romance
Hello Mr. Albermund. This most definitely gave me a warm front and no mistake (-; As ever, your originality shines through. More power to ya nib, my good fellow. Talking of which, you was robbed. I hope a Bernard will make up for this... It doesn't really does it? It's the best I can do tho. An enjoyable read and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Ta very much S & B. Am sparking again. Albert πŸ™‚


This is a Poem (posted on: 02-07-10)
 

This is not a poem.
Archived comments for This is a Poem
Nomenklatura on 02-07-2010
This is a Poem
Ceci N'est Pas Une Poème

Author's Reply:
pipe down, why don'tcha!

e-griff on 02-07-2010
This is a Poem
Yes,
it bloody
is!

*

But this isn't, of course.

πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
it is what it is.

Nomenklatura on 04-07-2010
This is a Poem
Arf! Arf! πŸ˜€

Author's Reply:
deserves ten an' an arf, I reckon. πŸ˜‰

sirat on 05-07-2010
This is a Poem
This is not a comment.

Author's Reply:
Boo... first time you've not commented on one of my poems. πŸ™


me Tonto - i Tracker (revised) (posted on: 28-06-10)
 

me Tonto - i Tracker ------------- left Shenzhen sunrise pass Bangkok high noon reach Mumbai sundown arriving two moons; mi Pad.
Archived comments for me Tonto - i Tracker (revised)
pdemitchell on 28-06-2010
me Tonto - i Tracker
Hi Albert - a small and pointed homage to gadgets and global logistics indeedy. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Mitch. Have now revised this back to like what it was like before I started trying to make it more intelligibillible like. πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 30-06-2010
me Tonto - i Tracker (revised)
Arrr - definitely more obscureabillible now but still a Kemo-take on all the iBollocks. mitch

Author's Reply:
cheers again, m πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 01-07-2010
me Tonto - i Tracker (revised)
hi Albert.
You are a man of few words but they capture a lot here. I would love an I Pad but alas it is beyond me at present πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Start saving, Storm - esp for next version! . Ta for commenting, A πŸ™‚


Colour Prejudice (posted on: 18-06-10)
 

Colour Prejudice ---------- I hear Dietrich singing Lili Marlene and long to be black and white with her in some smoky bar.
Archived comments for Colour Prejudice
pdemitchell on 21-06-2010
Colour Prejudice
Hi Albert - I liked it - your short to my long! Made me thing of Steve Martin's excellent Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta, Mitch. Glad it resonated. πŸ™‚


Big Teddy (posted on: 17-05-10)
 

Big Teddy -------- He punched her                        kicked her Humiliated her in public At night so demanding dreams broken, so lonely She smothered him with "big teddy"          and remembered how he'd screamed the shop down ...
Archived comments for Big Teddy
e-griff on 17-05-2010
Big Teddy
Good one. Have you posted this before? It seems familiar.

But it works very well. I was onto the next piece before the last line hit me!

G

Author's Reply:
Long memory, e-g. Was posted well over 3 years ago and received no crit until Mcjoyce sniffed it out much later. Glad you eventually cottoned on. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 17-05-2010
Big Teddy
Yep - as a single Dad this got me in the wallet... sorry, heart. Absolutely spot on only we X-box their brains nowadays. Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Yeh! the lucky wee buggers! Good to know it hit spot. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 18-05-2010
Big Teddy
One of your best, in my sunken opinion, Albert. You don't need a 'well done' from me, but yer getting one anyway - Well done.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
cheers very much, guyz. Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 19-05-2010
Big Teddy
I agree. The best I have read from you. Just really got me in the guts (a good thing πŸ˜‰ )
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Heh! You're a tough cookie, storm. ta vry much, albert πŸ˜‰


Haiku Roolz (posted on: 30-04-10)
 

Haiku Roolz --------- five - serve hen - half ten; seasoned with nature and stuffed with controversy.
Archived comments for Haiku Roolz
sunken on 01-05-2010
Haiku Roolz
*Scratches head. I can't pretend to understand, Mr. Albermund, but it's good to see that you're still at it. I dare say I'm just having another dumb day.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he wonders if people with no arms are requested to give toe prints if they get arrested

Author's Reply:
and it's nice to know you're still sniffing around, sunks. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Theory of Monkey (posted on: 16-04-10)
 

Theory of Monkey ------------ infinite number monkey sitting at infinite number laptop logged on UKAuthor International Writer site critiquing this poem infinitely will eventually produce infinite heap monkey shit.
Archived comments for Theory of Monkey
pdemitchell on 16-04-2010
Theory of Monkey
Monkey shit is good for jungles. See the (Gr)apes of Wrath! Mitch

Author's Reply:
checked out your grapes mitch. As per usual your stuff just tooooooooooooooo long for me. Enjoyed the first couple of stanzas 'cept for the rabbit-pellet line which screwed your rhythm for me. Then everything became more awkward and dufficult for me. Am sure it's very clevr but I just want you to be shorter and perhaps a wee bit less clever and well read. Whatever, don't mind me. I haven't read a book on over tweny years and glaze over practically every 'well thought of poem' that I attempt to critique! cheers and ta reading my shit. A πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 16-04-2010
Theory of Monkey
ha-ha Me no fit in with the hundred monkey business.
Me think its load of shit! πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
darn right it is, S. cheers for commenting, Albert πŸ™‚

Andrea on 16-04-2010
Theory of Monkey
Well, I think it's infinitely better than my feeble efforts!

Er...at poetry I meant, natch.

Author's Reply:
You really must visit an infinite number of psychotherapists to boost that ego of yours, A. πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 16-04-2010
Theory of Monkey
seriously, young Albert, I don't think this is up to your usual standard of word trickery, sorry πŸ™

stilll fun, though πŸ™‚ Maybe you are on a break?

Author's Reply:
Heh! It just makes me smile, e-g. I'm glad you still enjoyed despite... cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 19-04-2010
Theory of Monkey
Each to his own muuuuuse as they sez. Thanks for pointing out me being too smartarsed and Steinbecky about rabbit pellets in Grapes of Wrath - but it was all writ from personal experience.
I accept the challenge - I will post a shorter piece asap... but as the saying goes - I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy... I drivel and dangle from trees, me.... Mitch

Author's Reply:
Reckon it was the elecro convulsive therapy that did for me, mitch. Broke me long poem attention spanner. Will watch out for your tiddler. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


The Magnum Kid (posted on: 12-04-10)
 

The Magnum Kid ----------- He had always been the man with no name, and then I hit forty-four and mother tells me who my real father was. "Do you feel yucky, Spunky?" she enquired, on spilling the beans down the front of my trousers. I pierced my eyes and nodded 'Holy Miaouw!!' as Poncho sprung and clung, and then I spun around and shot her my spaghetti smile, my monosyllabetti smile, more pocket money getti smile.
Archived comments for The Magnum Kid
e-griff on 12-04-2010
The Magnum Kid
nice one, enjoyed it !

Author's Reply:
Good to know that e-g. cheers, Albert:)

pdemitchell on 12-04-2010
The Magnum Kid
A quirky and enjoyable foray into a single-parent breakfasty world, amigo. Maybe you could drop the y off spunky and get it closer to Clint and make it a direct reference to the wayward seamen. I wish I could master your bare-bones style! Cheers Mitch πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Am finding it really difficult to dislike your suggestion, M, but thanks a lot anyway. Albert πŸ™‚ Ta for compl, BTW.

stormwolf on 13-04-2010
The Magnum Kid
well you lost me there ;-(
You know I try never to deliver any comments based on others ' perceptions...I know some do but if I never understood a poem first time round it seldom changes. I know you are very good at what you do i.e. search for people who see and understand the MO of you but I have to say "hands up"
Alison x

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 13-04-2010
The Magnum Kid
On reading it again..I see (excuse me if I am wrong) great pain and frustration at lack of identity and then bitterness at finding out the truth. I feel great anger at the mother who chose to wait so long to come clean. I see repressed rage and disdain for the mother and the way that a son had been rendered into a situation for most of his life where he felt powerless but one day discovered it and let rip. (in the mental if not the psychical)
The last lines speak of a life of pretence and appeasment.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Am a Clint "Man with No Name"/Spaghetti western fan, S. Seems a pity to have wasted your time. I guess i could have put something in the short description box but I'd rather let my poems speak for themselves. Fingers crossed there's usually someone who cottons on to stuff like this which is enough for me. Ta vry much for giving it a go. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 16-04-2010
The Magnum Kid
Here well that made me look bloody stupid πŸ˜‰
Just goes to show how many people read various things from a poem or a painting.
Reminds me of when I took in lodgers and my hover broke. An Irish lodger had it totally dismantled down to almost the last screw in the hallway....then another lodger came along and asked if we had changed the fuse? sure enough, that was the problem..I could not stop laughing for ages.....
I see Mitch got it but I like to interprets a poem in my own way..I will be wary of yours now πŸ˜‰ Alison x

Author's Reply:


'King Tempus (posted on: 09-04-10)
 

'King Tempus --------- with the flecking greys came the flicking wind; 'twas the fugiting time.
Archived comments for 'King Tempus
e-griff on 09-04-2010
King Tempus
... but time said 'I just can't be passed',
so everything stopped.

a time capsule ... πŸ™‚ G

Author's Reply:
'King Ol' Timer. πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 09-04-2010
King Tempus
I do like brevity my dear Albert! Why am I thinking of Father Jack from Craggy Island? Oh fugit indeed. The fuggy fugitive flugelhorned the fugue and tempus frayed. Drink! Mitch πŸ˜‰


Author's Reply:
'King Smartarse. πŸ˜‰


Bee BC "Non" (posted on: 02-04-10)
 

Bee BC "Non" --------- Small talk, tall talk, fat talk, thin talk, round table top... hums and haws jerking jaws jabbering babbling great guffaws there was Jack and Nicole, Eve Anna and Don, Sonny and Shirl Marie and Des Mond Tutu and Bluto mooching around fancy wines fancy swine 'fancy him fancying mine.' It was everything yum, everything bum sushi and chips, asparagus tips, gargantuan lips, exotic hips, generous nips, funny hah ha's, pointy bras, frosty looks leers and beers fomenting tears and strange perfumes it was heaven 'n' hell then crθme caramel All seen through the                     eyes of Bertie the fly                     on the wall in the hall on a shade in the lounge on shirts up skirts on hair up stairs in the loo on a shoe on knees in the peas just avoiding a sneeze before getting trapped in vomity cheese as blonde bombed Shirl scooped some up to her nose his Sky documentary came to a close.
Archived comments for Bee BC "Non"
Bradene on 02-04-2010
Bee BC "Non"
Great Stuff Albert, this is almost a novel for you! Loved it Val x

Author's Reply:
Heh! epic novel shurely. πŸ˜‰ Ta lots, V.

pdemitchell on 02-04-2010
Bee BC "Non"
I like a bit of mould-scraping, ground-breaking, form-busting, feather-dusting, envelope-pushing, phone tone, ET home poetry, me, Heh! Power to all six of Bertie's elbows. Mitch

Author's Reply:
Inspiring and inventive tribute, mitch. cheers matey πŸ™‚

e-griff on 08-04-2010
Bee BC "Non"
First time I tried to read this, I didn't get into it. My only thought was 'long' (for you).

But today, I just sat and read it through, and enjoyed it muchly, it clicked.

Mungto Beng, Perttimondo!

Author's Reply:
Thanks, e-g. Am much encouraged by your perseverance. It's fun to have a blast with the driver now and again. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


Slipped Disc (posted on: 26-03-10)
 

Slipped Disc --------- Oh CD! Once you rode high 'pon the waves, but now your pier shakes rocking sailes start to die as we download from dawning to sleep; perchance e'en to stream aye, and to rob.
Archived comments for Slipped Disc
e-griff on 26-03-2010
Slipped Disc
I liked this better than the 'poo' one .. πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thank you, e-g. πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 27-03-2010
Slipped Disc
To die, to sleepβ€”
To sleepβ€”perchance to stream. Ay, there's the dub!
For in that slip of disc what streams may come,
When we have lasered off this flash-burned coil,
Must give us pauseβ€”there's the download
That wastes relentless so long a life. Mitch

Author's Reply:
I'm extremely flattered, Mitch. πŸ˜‰

sunken on 28-03-2010
Slipped Disc
Ya know Mr. Mund, I've recently started buying cd's again. They're as cheap as chips at hmv of late. You can burn them to your pc in minutes if you need to. They also double as handy coasters. I hope this has helped.

s
u
n
k
e
n

currently sponsored by hmv - ahem

Author's Reply:
not really, sunks, but it's always good to know you're as well as can be expected. πŸ™‚


Horse Stray Lion Shit (posted on: 22-03-10)
includes kangaroo shit.

Horse Stray Lion Shit ----------------- Abori Ginalas La boomba boomerangas Dodgyloo keros kangaroonas kooka koalas Victor Convictas penalto colonosers Fosta La gara Le tinta nectarina Sirolf Harrista weirdbeardo wobbleboarder Hares Rockoco rabbitsa myx matoso Crocodile dung dee creme de cinerama Walza Matilada jumbuxom Billy Bongas Horse Stray Lions fair dinkum dunny dingos.
Archived comments for Horse Stray Lion Shit
pdemitchell on 22-03-2010
Horse Stray Lion Shit
Lets hear it for weirdy beardy wobbleboarders everywhere! Another bit of tone-poem fun, my dear Albert - with added kangaroos and no Empress of India. Heh. What more could one want? mitch

Author's Reply:
Put me out of my mitchery... did you get the title???
If you didn't, it's ok. really
My problem. or rather, not really, 'cos I don't want everybody to get it 'cos that would be
depressing. thks, Albert :)(


sunken on 23-03-2010
Horse Stray Lion Shit
I feel cheated. Where's the kangaroo shit? Did I miss something? I am slow. I blame callipers. Apparently they were required during my entrance into the world. To be frank, I was quite happy where I was. Mad as ever, Mr. Mund. This is a good thing. And now, if you don't mind, I have fruit based jewellery to assemble. I'm on commission. If I can make 5000 by Friday I shall earn ten apples, four pears and a ticket to see Cliff Richard in 'Please sir, can I have another hit' at the royal palladium. Wish me luck.

s
u
n
k
e
n

currently powered by hope and ribena

Author's Reply:
Yes, the kangaroo shit - I'm certain it's in there. Ask frank or cliff, hank, bruce ect. cheers Albert and ta.

pdemitchell on 26-03-2010
Horse Stray Lion Shit
My Dear Albert - remiss of me not to mention the Wart-zing Ma-dildo of your titular wordplay. My apollo-geez! Mitch

Author's Reply:
KInd of you to respond to my whining, mitchildo.

fitbin on 15-04-2010
Horse Stray Lion Shit
This was rather amusing,
were you eating a baguette at the time?
Very good though, I liked it.

Author's Reply:
Hah! I was having my breakfast, fit. Reckon it was probably a bit of toast with edam cheese on it. Glad you got a laugh. Ta very much, Albert πŸ™‚


kiku (posted on: 19-03-10)
 

kiku ---- when she purrs, she purrs and purrs and purrs and purrs and when she purrs, she purrs.
Archived comments for kiku
sunken on 20-03-2010
kiku
Hello Mr. Albermund. This reminds me of cushion. When I've figured out as to why it reminds me of a cushion I'll let you know. Thank you.

s

n
k
e
n

ok. who nicked my 'u'

Author's Reply:
Without that u you're u'less, snks. from Albert with concern and cushions.

pdemitchell on 21-03-2010
kiku
I think you might have a purrsonality disorder, my dear Albemund. Quirky but not up to your obligatory obliqueness. More kangaroos, please. Mitch

Author's Reply:
ok. πŸ™‚


I used to be me ... (posted on: 15-03-10)
 

I used to be me ... ---------- now I am he who must be obeyed hah bloody hah the little boy laughed till his ma sent him off to his room to wait for his pa now I am he who must be obeyed hah bloody hah.
Archived comments for I used to be me ...
mageorge on 15-03-2010
I used to be me ...
Sounds like you are the boy's new father, Albermund. This piece leaves us guessing...nice deep short.
Regards,
Mark.

Author's Reply:
Ta, M. Glad you thought it was worthwhile. Was hoping that some would also see he as the little boy. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

RedKite on 15-03-2010
I used to be me ...
This short piece only highlights how most of us feel at times Thanks Daniel

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading, D. Albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 15-03-2010
I used to be me ...
I still hear and see an awful lot of Milligan in your work. I love this. Val x

Author's Reply:
You can't tell me that often enough, V. Glad you enjoyed. ta vry much. Albert πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 16-03-2010
I used to be me ...
Definitely Milligan... and that German band, Faust!
Ning nang nong. Mitch

Author's Reply:
I think I like you Mitch. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


In Land of OZ (posted on: 12-03-10)
 

In Land of OZ --------- My boomerang to say "backsoon". I bake it favourite bluemeringue and wait for knock on side of head.
Archived comments for In Land of OZ
sunken on 12-03-2010
In Land of OZ
Like that Luigi fella, I could identify an Albermund within one read. This is a good thing. Weirdly entertaining. Not unlike nude volleyball. How come nudist only ever play volleyball? It's not a joke. There isn't a punchline. I'm just curious. Ahem. I'll shut up. Nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

also available in a fancy font that no one can read

Author's Reply:
weirdly enterataining meets weirdly entertaining with bells on. ta vry mch, snks πŸ˜‰

pdemitchell on 13-03-2010
In Land of OZ
Short and quirky
but it'll didgerido
for me, Bruce
Mitch

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Mitch. Albert πŸ™‚


Closing the Door (posted on: 26-02-10)
 

Closing the Door --------------- Smiling strangers on the doorstep fanning pamphlets in my face. "You're Jehovah's?" my enquiry They concur with pleasant grace. "Not my thing", I quickly dowse them in firm tone they can't ignore. As they turn to leave one thanks me just for opening the door.
Archived comments for Closing the Door
e-griff on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
We are ALL Jehovah's, my son.

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
Yes, they came to my door too. I told them I hadn't witnessed anything.

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

Bradene on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
They are polite souls though arn't they and always show such humility, they make me feel quite guilty. You have caught them perfectly here. Val

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, Val. The truth of thye matter is that I find them too kindly in their manner to be annoyed at their occasional visits. They actually get a smile along with the "firm tone". cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
I used to have mate who knew vast stretches of the bible (who wasn't really that religious). He'd invite them in, and give em a cup of tea etc, and tie them in knots for an hour with arguments - he enjoyed it immensely, and used to recount the latest cut and thrust over a pint to us.

Author's Reply:
πŸ™‚

ruadh on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
I'm not very good at closing the door on people and now I have one woman who visits regularly. She's very nice though, talks for a few minutes about a particular story in one of her magazines then leaves two mags with me. If I'm not in she puts them through the letterbox.

My mum always says the best way to deal with them is to say you're Catholic, cos they know they can't convert you πŸ™‚ (no offense meant to anyone of either religion!)

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

Andrea on 26-02-2010
Closing the Door
I don't feel guilty at all. They have no right knocking, uninvited, on my door trying to sell me religion. I tell them to go away and never ring my bell again. If I wanted to be a JW I am perfectly capable of joining whatever it is they join all on my own.

Sorry, they really get up my nose (as you may have gathered). I tried Griff's method a couple of times, but it's wasted on them. Patronising gits.

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

sunken on 27-02-2010
Closing the Door
This Johovah bloke had a lot of witnesses didn't he? I wouldn't mind, but I've still not got a clue as to what he was meant to have done. Did he get off with just a caution in the end then? Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

the current price of frozen peas can be attained by scanning his left eyebrow

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 27-02-2010
Closing the Door
I tell the I am Catholic..that get's e'm going. I can tell the men a mile off all short back and sides and neat shirt and tie.
I really feel sometimes that religion has been more of a curse than a blessing in this world...and that's me, a once regular church attendee and a born again to boot. ;-( I think the best religion is a private arrangement between a person and God.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚

pdemitchell on 13-03-2010
Closing the Door
Oh, God, a Jehovah's witness knocks, I ask
if he believes in miracles because miracles
are suspensions of universal laws, he nods
so touch, taste, sound, light, smell, say I,
can be suspended at some celestial whim
if thus is so, I have no proof that you exist
I said, then slammed the door... Mitch

Author's Reply:
Ta for reading. πŸ™‚


UK sighting of Superb Owl (posted on: 08-02-10)
 

UK sighting of Superb Owl ---------------- Big guys Disguised Anesthetize Big match Stick eyes.
Archived comments for UK sighting of Superb Owl
e-griff on 08-02-2010
UK sighting of Superb Owl
I don't watch it either πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
These merkans are complicated buggers.:)

sunken on 09-02-2010
UK sighting of Superb Owl
Very clever, Mr. Mund of Albert fame. I didn't watch said superbowl, tho I think I was up (as in awake - not aroused, ahem). It all looks very complicated to me. I prefer tiddly winks. I hope this has helped. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
... but not tiddly wanks. cheers and ta very much sunkard. πŸ˜‰


Ionicus on 09-02-2010
UK sighting of Superb Owl
At first I didn't know what you were talking about Albert. Doh!
Then the penny dropped and I think that it is a clever and amusing piece.

Author's Reply:
Ta, Lui. I like to make a mystery out of a molehill. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Eskimo Poem (posted on: 29-01-10)
 

Eskimo Poem --------- Bear in black night. Where in black night? Bear in blinding sun. Where in blinding sun? Bear in big snow. Where in big snow? Bear ring igloo bell. Run like hell...
Archived comments for Eskimo Poem
Jolen on 29-01-2010
Eskimo Poem
LOL, You do come up with some corkers! Thanks for the giggle.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Hah! I'm delighted this melts your ice cubes, Jo. cheers albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 29-01-2010
Eskimo Poem
hahaha very good advice.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
The trouble is I'm not sure igloos have back doors, Storm. Glad you like a bit of daft. cheers albert πŸ™‚


The Wisdom of Goog Suggs (posted on: 25-01-10)
 

The Wisdom of Goog Suggs ------------------ Osama is dead Dead is so last year Osama is alive Alive in wild paint lyrics Osama is lama bad Bad is stronger than good Osama is a dirty wizard A wizard is a true star Osama is Obama Obama is an idiot An idiot is a genius to another idiot.
Archived comments for The Wisdom of Goog Suggs
cat on 28-01-2010
The Wisdom of Goog Suggs
Hmm... hugs?

I like 'Alive in wild paint lyrics'

cat x

Author's Reply:
Unfortunately I can take no credit for that, cat, but I was quite taken by that myself. Thks & cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 28-01-2010
The Wisdom of Goog Suggs
Hello Mr. Alber of Mund fame. Tell me, what does this Goog Suggs fella have to say about Wayne Rooney? Sorry, not so much a comment, more a question. I blame guidelines and the fact that I haven't read them. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

dear sir, please find enclosed my application for the vacancy of lettuce rotator to the stars

Author's Reply:
Rooney is Overr Ated by Goog Suggs
----------------------------

rooney is fat.
fat is beautiful

rooney is the best
the best thing i ever ate.


cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

jay12 on 28-01-2010
The Wisdom of Goog Suggs
Unusual but enjoyable.

Jay

Author's Reply:
Good to know that, J. Ta very much Albert πŸ™‚


How to turn on the tv (posted on: 22-01-10)
 

How to turn on the tv ------------- He said - Put the dress on. I said - No. He said - PUT THE DRESS ON! I said - NO! She said - That's no way to turn on the tv - and stepped out of her panties.
Archived comments for How to turn on the tv
e-griff on 22-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
well, that's it. finally lost me! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Heh! Lost in France, bonnie lad. Albert πŸ˜‰

stormwolf on 22-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
me n'all *scratches head* πŸ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Have three words that may help - Tea Tree Oil.
rgds Albert πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 22-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
For some reason reminds me of that Joe Cocker song 'You Can Leave Your Hat On'

Author's Reply:
Perhaps, with a little help from your friends... Albert? πŸ˜‰

discopants on 22-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
I got it (not sure if I should be admitting that!) and it's a good one.

Tip to others: the tv is not a television...

Author's Reply:
Thank you for being discreetish. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 23-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
Nay, lost in Hemel Hempstead ... which is worse.

Author's Reply:

macaby on 23-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
I am lost with this one too πŸ™‚
mac

Author's Reply:
I'll have to get into my helicopter and go looking for all you guys. πŸ˜‰

sunken on 24-01-2010
How to turn on the tv
Do you have transvestite tendencies, Albert of Mund dot uk? Everyone seems to be getting lost with this one. I however had the foresight to pack a torch.

s
u
n
k
e
n

with his new gillette razor he can cut himself in triplicate

Author's Reply:
Heh! Not me, S. Just trying to smoke a few out. A πŸ˜‰


A sort of compliment (posted on: 15-01-10)
 

A sort of compliment --------------- Breaktime over brave boys would line both sides of the school corridor awaiting the belles the Pam Plonas to come running jiggling, giggling twisting, teasing squealing, squeezing through stampede of horny hands flushing headlong towards the upskirt stares...
Archived comments for A sort of compliment
Ionicus on 15-01-2010
A sort of compliment
I like this a lot, Albert, with its analogy of the bull races in Pamplona. Very descriptive and original.

Author's Reply:
Nice one, L, and ta very much for wising up sunks. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 17-01-2010
A sort of compliment
Hello Mr. Albermund. I wouldn't have got the Pam Plona line if Mr. Luigi hadn't mentioned it, but that's 'cause I is a bit thick innit. I have since had a google and now realise that this is far cleverer than I had first appreciated. As ever, truly original and blatantly Albermund. It's good to have a recognisable style and you have that in abundance. Now, when are people going to wake up to it!? Blaahhhh. I'll whack a Bernard on it, but to be fair, he'll probably do you more harm than good. Nice work, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Bernie's approval is great bonus, sunks. Cheers for your encouragement matey. Albert πŸ™‚


Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card (posted on: 28-12-09)
 

Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card -------------------------- Out of the blue they sent us a very nice card so we sent them a lovely one back. The following year we received a beautiful card and sent a gorgeous one in return. Tweve months later it was small but quaint. We responded with quaint but big. Then came a silver sparkling number which we countered with glittering gold. Last Xmas their musical effort inspired a card with a personalized audio message. This year the bastards sent us nothing.
Archived comments for Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
sunken on 28-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Well at least outdoing nothing won't take so much effort, Mr. Albermund? May I suggest a peanut? Cheap, inoffensive and relatively good for you. I hope this has helped. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

you'll believe a Alsatian can bark

Author's Reply:
Nutz to you too, S, and Happy New Year to yourself and Bernie. πŸ™‚

Jolen on 28-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Isn't it funny how things like this happened? What was the message you sent anyway? LOL
Happy Holidays,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Perhaps I overdid the helium... heh! Happy New Year πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 28-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Now I know why I don't do Christmas cards πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Good for you Andrea, but I actually quite like making them, so I guess I might yet be attacking some poor sod myself one day! Happy New Year πŸ™‚

RoyBateman on 30-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Ah, well, if you must send a personalised audio message that's both threatening and obscene, what can you expect? Sorry...the Christmas sherry is getting to me. A witty seasonal piece that made me chuckle - well worthy of the nib!

Author's Reply:
Heh! nice one, RB. They're few and far between these days, so thanks a lot for concurring. Happy New Year πŸ™‚


CVaughan on 30-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card


Hello Albermund, read a few of your subs today having a relax after the toil of the dreaded Christmas card game or competition myself. I enjoyed your funny take on the arduous process. I tried to win the contest every year but am always forgetting someone & having to zip off the tell-tale responsive card to whichever old "friend" inevitably - I hate that and sure enough it happened this time again just after the last posting date.

Frank

Author's Reply:
Smug to say. this was one of our better years - only one first class stamp was required! Thanks a lot for all your comments, Frank. This poetry lark can be quite uplifting sometimes.
Happy New Year to you. πŸ™‚

macaby on 30-12-2009
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Bloody good one, Albert. True to life.
This one gave me a good laugh, cheers.
mac

Author's Reply:
Great to know that, mac. Thks a lot and a Happy New Year πŸ™‚

Leila on 06-01-2010
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Ha ha nicely penned...Leila

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked, L. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 08-01-2010
Attack of the Unexpected Xmas Card
Lol! good stuff.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Rom. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Truth about Christmas (a Xmaiku) (posted on: 21-12-09)
 

The Truth about Christmas (a Xmaiku) ----------------------- Midnight, Christmas Eve; smug in bed as usual Santa and Rudolph.
Archived comments for The Truth about Christmas (a Xmaiku)
CVaughan on 30-12-2009
The Truth about Christmas (a Xmaiku)
Interesting concept and play on the haiku form - Xmaiku indeed (titters). A first for me to be the first to comment on anything here I think beating sunken to one is a rare achievemnet. Funny little poem this Albermund, is that in ther same bed (funny peculiar?) but innocent-like if so like Morecombe & Wise. Well it would have to be little wouldn't it by its nature? Haiku New Year to you. Frank

Author's Reply:
Real glad you got this one Frank. Have posted this elsewhere with less than minimal reaction so it's such a relief that someone else can see the funny side. As regards 'in bed' - I guess I could have said asleep but 'in bed' just feels more definite and funnier (image wise!) Cheers, albert πŸ™‚



dorking in england (posted on: 18-12-09)
 

dorking in england ---------------- dorking is lovely dorking thrills i love dorking by the surrey hills. dorking for apples, dorking for pears i've loved dorking for many years. best of all, i love dorking ducks and scaring them dorkless yes i know it sucks.
Archived comments for dorking in england
sunken on 19-12-2009
dorking in england
Hello Mr. Albermund. Ok, I'm gonna ask what everyone else is thinking - Just what is dorking? Is it legal? Will I need any specialised equipment? Mad as ever, but I like it.

s
u
n
k
e
n

killing in the name of simon cowell - there's a rainbow inside your mind....

Author's Reply:
Just let your imagination run riot, S. cheers matey πŸ˜‰


Magic Wanda (posted on: 11-12-09)
 

Magic Wanda ----------- 'Florrie Florid' 'Deirdre Squat' 'Doris Doolally' 'Glenda Grot' 'Brenda Frizzball' 'Booby MacPrize' and then she sings and everyone cries.
Archived comments for Magic Wanda
e-griff on 11-12-2009
Magic Wanda
I liked this a lot.

God knows why *examines sanity and fails*

Author's Reply:
You've made my weekend. A πŸ™‚

Pughguy on 12-12-2009
Magic Wanda
LOL .. Ditto !

Author's Reply:
Hah! thx, A πŸ™‚

sunken on 12-12-2009
Magic Wanda
This comment can be recycled by simply rearranging the letters herein. I trust this has helped, Mr. Albermund. And now, if you don't mind, I have washing machine practice. Good day! Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

...so we agreed to disagree over the treaty of gnome.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, sunks. Were it not for my carbon fingerprints I could spend several happy seconds rearranging your comment. A;)

macaby on 12-12-2009
Magic Wanda
Short, simple and amusing..... in your own charming style:)
I smiled
mac


Author's Reply:
Thanks, mac. I'm glowing to bed now. A;)


Our Patio's Got Talent? (posted on: 27-11-09)
 

Our Patio's Got Talent? -------------- I hollered for our pussycat; the robin came instead. It fluffed and puffed up, perked its ears, and purred with spindly legs I said - Oh Robin Redbreast you're so cute, I must admit; but compared with Crow Rebremner your impressions are still shit.
Archived comments for Our Patio's Got Talent?
stormwolf on 27-11-2009
Our Patios Got Talent?
you have to watch out for Robins you know..they are little thugs in disguise.
Loved the poem.
Alison

Author's Reply:
I love our little thug. Thks, storm, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 28-11-2009
Our Patios Got Talent?
Hello Mr. Albermund. Do you know it's National Appreciation Day today? It's true, I read it in the Daily Sport. I'd just like to say how much I appreciate both your good self and your highly original work. This gets a Bernard from me. It made me smile. What more could a sunk ask. Nice one, fella.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
You guys know when to give us a boost. Am seriously tempted to apply for resident poet's job at Battersea Dogs Home or even Dogtor Bernardos. Thks a lot, Albert πŸ˜‰

Pughguy on 05-12-2009
Our Patios Got Talent?
Ah catchy little ditty that Albert. Thanks for tha pick me up

Author's Reply:
Ta for dredging up. Glad it cheered. A πŸ™‚

CVaughan on 30-12-2009
Our Patios Got Talent?
Nice one Albermund

I see my internet friend Mike aka Pughguy (a fine American chap) liked this and seeing this pointed me to it when on your page viewing another one & it occurs to me he couldn't possibly have understood the splendid (I thought) Rory Bremner pun the impressionist being unknown to him I'm sure. Anyway good amusing work A. I liked the title very much BTW - and a very happy New Year to you and us all, including robins everywhere - as I saw an article that Cypriot folk are eating some sadly. Frank

Author's Reply:
Heh! I'm still going to assume that PG got the reference ok. πŸ™‚ After all RB is a really amazing impressionist (almost too amazing...). Glad you enjoyed the wordplay, Frank, but I'm a bit shocked about these barbarian Cypriots!! Our little fellow comes to hand for his nibbles and poses wonderfully for photographs. A real joy. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

CVaughan on 30-12-2009
Our Patios Got Talent?


Author's Reply:


For Mr Happys... *everywhere* (posted on: 16-11-09)
 

For Mr Happys... *everywhere* ------------------ He was always laughing, joking smiling, whistling chortling, guffawing even when Mr Sad or Mr Angry came calling. They would sigh or curse inside as he swamped them with his innate effervescence; battered them with his humungus bonhomie just like he did to Mr Taxman, Mr Shute the Banker, Mr Plum the Depth Collector and laterally Miss Stershrink; a weekly acquaintass with glowing credentures. Tragically he died aerobatically on a cliff top walk; alone with his jocularity, the swooping gulls and his long surffering wife Amazonia who only now has regained the ability to laugh, joke, smile, whistle, chortle, guffaw as if a great weight has plunged off the edge of her shoulders...
Archived comments for For Mr Happys... *everywhere*
Mezzanotte on 16-11-2009
For Mr Happys... *everywhere*
Wow, a novel...I wasn't sure if I was going to finish it. This made me think of that Character of Harry Enfield's...can't remember the name now...not the Greek in the Kebab shop anyway.

Luv
Jack

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Mez. Real smashey and nicey of you to comment. A;)

sunken on 17-11-2009
For Mr Happys... *everywhere*
Another tip top and original slice of Albermund and no mistake. What's that Mezzanotte woman on about? I'll be frank, her comment is little better than mine. She's Italian ya know, like that Luigi fella. He's a nice bloke isn't he, Luigi. I hope this has helped. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

i can't believe it's not linford christie

Author's Reply:
You're right, sunks. We definitely need more discerning weirdos on this site. cheers, A πŸ˜‰

Jolen on 26-11-2009
For Mr Happys... *everywhere*
A poem that has a depth and meaning well beyond what lies on the surface. I liked this very much and all of the playful intrigue it imparts.


blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta, Jo. Happy you thought so. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Chaikun (posted on: 13-11-09)
 

Chaikun ----- It clucked as I plucked; squawked as I fingered the neck and throttled the amp.
Archived comments for Chaikun
Mezzanotte on 13-11-2009
Chaikun
Mmm...nice!

Author's Reply:
cheers, mezz. Was expecting a blank for this. Ta for breaking the ice. A:)

Ionicus on 13-11-2009
Chaikun
Albert, you rascal. Enjoyable as ever.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Thks muchly, A:)

admin on 13-11-2009
Chaikun
Neat 'n' clever πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ta lots, adders. A:)

sunken on 14-11-2009
Chaikun
But which came first - The cluck or the pluck? Ya don't get this on Newsnight. Hello? Albermund? Hello? You know I can't comment like normal people.... Hello? Where did he go?

s
u
n
k
e
n

she fell at the first girdle

Author's Reply:
cheerio, sunks, and thanks for the cormorants. A;)


The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman (posted on: 30-10-09)
 

The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman ---------------------- They seek him here they seek him there; lay traps set with Ugly Betty But despite brief squints and large footprints they haven't caught one yeti.
Archived comments for The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
stormwolf on 30-10-2009
The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
hehe no...he sure keeps reclusive..maybe they should try to trap him with a large replica female with a 'come on' Yeti look in her eye?
Alison

Author's Reply:
I agree. When i researched this piece I was convinced that Betty is just too 'off the shelf' to appeal to any discerning yeti. cheers & thks A πŸ˜‰

shadow on 30-10-2009
The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
Delightfully succinct!

Author's Reply:
As was your crit πŸ™‚

sunken on 31-10-2009
The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
Succinctfully delightful. Ahem. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

most likely to relapse

Author's Reply:
Shanks, shunks. πŸ˜‰

Mezzanotte on 01-11-2009
The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
And what about Frosty? Is he off drinking Iron Bru and cans of stong larger?

Author's Reply:
HAHAHAHA! Very neat, M. πŸ˜‰

macaby on 01-11-2009
The Unequivocably Detestable Snowman
Haha, nice wee poem. Rheinold Messner, an Austrian mountain climber reported that he had seen the Yeti on one of his climbs. Then again Messner was the first man to scale Everest without an oxygen tank, maybe the lack of oxygen affected him more than he thought.
mac

Author's Reply:
Heh! Bet the Yeti was messnerized by his bear minimum appearance. Thks, mac. πŸ™‚


When Florence left Lawrence (posted on: 26-10-09)
 

When Florence left Lawrence ---------------------- Alone in a desert of unending grief. Far from her oasis hugging every mirage. Steam rises, from his damp decay. As the vultures circle a nightingale swings in Berkeley Square.
Archived comments for When Florence left Lawrence
sunken on 26-10-2009
When Florence left Lawrence
Very, very clever. I've come to expect nothing less. You deserve more recognition, my good fellow. Have you considered adopting a strange hairstyle and auditioning for X-factor? I believe, sadly, that it's the future. I blame Andy Warhol. Top stuff.

s
u
n
k
e
n




Author's Reply:
Heh! cheers, guys. Perhaps one day I'll be famous for more than fifteen woofs. That would do me. πŸ˜‰

Mezzanotte on 28-10-2009
When Florence left Lawrence
I loved the first stanza, but didn't really understand the poem- I'm not very intelligent you see, so if you wouldn't mind giving me a brief explanation I'll read it slowly and try not to go Der!!!

luv
jack

Author's Reply:
Ta for bothering to ask, Mezz, but can't oblige 'cos I'm determined to cut off my face to spit on my nose. If it's any consolidation most poetry to me is beyond the valley of compensation. Ablert - after five Irn Bruise and a bag special brew.
;*)

artisus on 01-11-2009
When Florence left Lawrence
......

Author's Reply:
Very happy you liked enough to fave. Thks a lot, Albert πŸ™‚


Hard Times (posted on: 19-10-09)
 

Hard Times --------- sacked dumped went to the dogs returned fuelled with empti-ness on the hearth rug two mice were making sweet love as they sizzled I rolled a cigarette.
Archived comments for Hard Times
sunken on 20-10-2009
Hard Times
Now there's an image. What a way to sizzle. As usual, I have nothing constructive to say. I always enjoy your subs. You are unique, but you don't need a sunk to tell ya that. And now, if you don't mind, I have a ploughman's lunch to steal.

s
u
n
k
e
n

has anyone seen my sandwich?

Author's Reply:
You've lifted me heart again, sunks. cheers, A:)


Ionicus on 20-10-2009
Hard Times
Unique style, Albert. Always enjoyable.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, 'nic. Good to know I'm still on right lines. A πŸ™‚

Elfstone on 21-10-2009
Hard Times
So much said in so few words - a lesson to all aspiring poets. Thanks for posting this. Elf.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Elf. Must pay more attention to myself in future. cheers, A πŸ˜‰

stormwolf on 21-10-2009
Hard Times
cruel brute! πŸ˜‰

ok...you captured SO much in a few short lines..remarkable...
Alison

Author's Reply:
Good to know (for sure) that someone appreciated the full horror. Thanks a lot A:)


All I need for Love (posted on: 16-10-09)
.

All I need for Love ------------ broader shoulders is all I need the icing the final cog the PS de resistance and perhaps some lipo to wow them kapow them bend them, up-end them YES!... broader shoulders, a bit of lipo and fresher breath is all I need to nuzzle caress them munch an undress them and less sweat much less sweat oh... to slither my hands through those promised lands with acceptable glands YES!... YES!... broader shoulders, a bit of lipo, fresher breath, much less sweat and a font of sweet nothings is all I need to enrapture my captures; to shower on my flowers and a party trick like balancing a pint of beer on my tongue YES!... YES!... YES!... broader shoulders, a bit of lipo, fresher breath, much less sweat, a font of sweet nothings and a party trick that's all I need and a monster dick...
Archived comments for All I need for Love
sunken on 17-10-2009
All I need for Love
Ahh so true, Mr. Albermund. Ya know, I've even stopped watching porn because the 'actors' dicks just send me hurtling into deep depressions. I've been told, 'it's not how big it is, it's what you do with it'. I'm currently training mine to do odd jobs around the house. Witty as ever, my good fellow. Mind ya leg, you're about to get beagled!

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Hah!... I'd really truly settle for just bigger shoulders but it would have made a shit poem. Ta very much folks πŸ˜‰

stormwolf on 21-10-2009
All I need for Love
ah yes...the last line was a winner πŸ˜‰
Alison

Author's Reply:
Heh! Hope it made up for the other forty! cheers, A πŸ˜‰


Cracklin' Rosie (posted on: 28-08-09)
 

Cracklin' Rosie --------- I watched some pork it watched me back and then I had a little snack It tasted good as bacon should It sizzled but was never rude and when I'd had my little snack my kid asked for her piggy back.
Archived comments for Cracklin' Rosie
e-griff on 28-08-2009
Cracklin Rosie
technically here, ma man, pork and bacon are different . this totally destroyed my enjoyment of this poem and I sat nitpicking for hours. Finally I finished and took the completed finger glove to my dog for a good chewing. He thanks you.

Author's Reply:
You ruined my weekend. A πŸ™

pampers on 28-08-2009
Rosilee
Enjoyed this.

Author's Reply:
cheers, p. Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 28-08-2009
Rosilee
awww how could you! πŸ˜‰
anyway I am glad it was never rude lol
Alison

Author's Reply:
Well... perhaps it was a little bit rude.. heh! cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 30-08-2009
Rosilee
Hello Mr. Albermund. It's me, sunks. You might remember me from 'Whoops where's me landmine', the again you might not. As to your sub: A comical little ditty and no mistake. I can't help but wonder, however, if bacon actually does come from a pig? I was always of the impression that it came from the butcher down the road. This is a quandary to be sure. I trust this has been of some help. Thank you. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

hurricane bill made me do it

Author's Reply:
this bacon thing has been getting on my editits all weekend. thankyou for rubbing it in. All I can hope is that griffers will send some of his excess nits to my friend Bernard. A πŸ™


On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear (posted on: 21-08-09)
 

On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear -------------------------- Office block; up on the roof again with briefcase containing rumpled note he teeters squinting for makeable gap midst the cheering crowd then leaps into the abyss of eternity counts up to one and a half before frantically pulling his pyjama cord...
Archived comments for On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
woodbine on 21-08-2009
On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
Brilliant and very true, I am always acting out my dreams.

If I had to change one word it would be 'midst' for 'in' as in:
squinting for makeable gap/
in the cheering crowd
which to me looks less 'poetic'.

I love it.
John

Author's Reply:
Ta for the crit, J. Am to close to this to make any changes just now but perhaps on future re-read I'll see light. Glad you enjoyed. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 21-08-2009
On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
Excellent, Albert. This abstract poem conjured many images;
it brought to mind the Wall Street crash with people jumping off office blocks and, independently, of a skydiver frantically pulling at the ripcord of his jammed parachute.
The title also reminds me of the importance of wearing clean underwear in case one is run over by a bus.

Author's Reply:
Hah! I'd love to dig up L S Lowry and get him to paint an amalgamation of your visions. Glad this hit the spot for you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

stormwolf on 21-08-2009
On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
I loved the urgency and the pathos...a certain humour too.
The dream world is uncompromising and merciless in the wisdom and insight it affords us
Alison

Author's Reply:
Thanks for that stormw. Good to know this worked for you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

macaby on 22-08-2009
On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
Very visual poem I thought, a bad dream but the ending brought a smile to my face. Brilliant.
rated 10
mac

Author's Reply:
THanks, mac. Glad it brought you down to earth with a laugh. cheers, Albert ;))


Zoya on 23-08-2009
On the Importance of Conventional Nightwear
I just loved the climax!
It is at once titillating and amusing!
Love,
Zoya

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Zoya. keep smiling, rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Work Shopping Writer's Block (posted on: 17-08-09)
 

Work Shopping Writer's Block ------------------ cream eggs burgers jam beer chips fags spam pizza crisps donuts chum andrex cheese immo dium
Archived comments for Work Shopping Writer's Block
Mezzanotte on 17-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
Are these the things that help you overcome writer's block? If so I'm a bit worried about the chum...saying that, after a big tin of the old Pedigree I often find my dog at the computer typing furiously...that'll be it then.

Best Wishes
Jackie

Author's Reply:
Ok, so cat's out of bag now... most of your best stuff was pawed by fido, yeah?!
A;)


e-griff on 17-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
nice bit of 'dum-de-bum'

Author's Reply:

Andrea on 17-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
Verbal exudative, eh? Lovely...

Made me laugh, never a bad thing.

Author's Reply:
Unfortunately I've always managed to make women laugh. πŸ™
But cheers anyway, A

sunken on 17-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
Chum? My Bernard swears by Iams cat food. Next door really need to get a smaller cat flap. Nice one and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

chip pan sinatra

Author's Reply:
Do next doors cat a favour and send Bernard back to Libya. Thanks, MacAlbertskill.

e-griff on 17-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
just read this again and read it out loud. noticed your third lines are all two-syllable (gives it a dum, dum, dum-de dum rhythm trad for a chant), except fags. You'd help it I think by simply making it 'fags and' which would bring that verse into line (I don't think the first lines matter so much, BTW).

ho hum, time for lunch.

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked it's dumb de dumbness, e-g. 'and' is out of the question in shopping list so would have to find suitable 2 syllabler like ciggies or roll-ups but neither are up to fags in my head. but good to see you venturing suggestions again to pig heads. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 21-08-2009
Work Shopping Writers Block
I really like this! Simple fun and I can see why you would need Immodium at the end of all that lot! Thank you for making me smile today.

Romany x

Author's Reply:
THks for cheering me up too, R. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Animal Mugnetism (posted on: 14-08-09)
 

Animal Mugnetism ------------- Beard    moustache  hi-octane stubble; fearsome   flash         Barney Rubble Bear        walrus         designer hog; dis guise so desperate for a snog.
Archived comments for Animal Mugnetism
hoopsinoz on 14-08-2009
Animal Mugnetism
Not a hundred percent sure why - but I like this a lot - especially the "dis guise" great word play.....

Author's Reply:
cheers, hoopz. was pretty pleased with that bit. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 14-08-2009
Animal Mugnetism
yeh .... good

Author's Reply:
Thanks, e-g πŸ™‚

sunken on 14-08-2009
Animal Mugnetism
That reminds me, I must get a shave. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

shopping trollied

Author's Reply:
shaving is overrazered. πŸ˜‰

macaby on 15-08-2009
Animal Mugnetism
dis guise so desperate
for a snog.


Albert you are in a league of your own πŸ™‚
Loved it.
mac

Author's Reply:
Ta very much for that, mac. Good to know am still on right lines. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


To Whom it may concern (posted on: 07-08-09)
 

To Whom it may concern -------------------- To curl on a couch on a dog of a day in the house of my choice for however long is a piece of string that's wiggled and jiggled to charm and amuse by whomever I choose to tickle my tum, keep TV noise down, go fetch me yum-yum To snooze in the shade on a glorious day in my garden of choice for however dry is a piece of grass that's twiddled and twirled to charm and amuse by whomever I choose to fluffle my hair, lie sweet at my side, coo soft in strange tongue. To die and return thrice the size of my hat with chance of adoption by Madonna, diddly squat when just crossing the road I could end up quite flat Still I want to come back as a cat and that's that!
Archived comments for To Whom it may concern
macaby on 07-08-2009
To Whom it may concern
To die and return
thrice the size of my hat

with chance of adoption
by Madonna .................. Funny stuff, these lines had me laughing out loud.Nice one.
mac

Author's Reply:
Glad you got a larf, mac, was fun to come up with stuff for that bit. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 07-08-2009
To Whom it may concern
Yeah. I agree with Mac. The Madonna line is class. Nice one Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Cheers, sunks/bernie, much apprecviated. πŸ™‚


Ted Snit's House of Ill Repute (posted on: 20-07-09)
 

Ted Snit's House of Ill Repute -------------------- Her smile harpooned my heart and reeled me to the comfy chair where once ensconced I lolled with nostrils flared, when suddenly a masked man loomed above my beard and set about me with sweet Becky at his call, his gangster's moll, they worked me over, blood did sprawl, for twenty minutes grunting sounds I lost two teeth, was robbed of all my pounds. They must be mad to think in six months time that i'll return to scene of crime.
Archived comments for Ted Snit's House of Ill Repute
sunken on 22-07-2009
Ted Snits House of Ill Repute
I knew a bloke named Ted once. He was a postman. He's dead now so we call him Dead Ted. I hope this has helped. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

auto off

Author's Reply:
Heh! I guess if he had been the same ted then it would have extremely quincydental. πŸ˜‰

Thks for reading, S. Hope you can eventually extract something from this as I really don't want to have to fill you in. cheers A πŸ™‚


Ruff Love (posted on: 17-07-09)
 

Ruff Love ------- I love her and her dog loves me We walk for miles by the silvery sea While she gets pawed by my big brother Jim I wish someone would neuter him.
Archived comments for Ruff Love
fitbin on 17-07-2009
Ruff Love
Nice one,
This conveys a lot to me.
It is short but tells a story and forces the reader to fill in the gaps and imagine the details.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, fit. Glad this made the grade for you. Albert πŸ™‚

sunken on 17-07-2009
Ruff Love
Neutering... Just seeing the word makes me want to cry. It would be criminal not to slap a smelly Bernard on this. Sorry. Someone has to have him. It's the weekend and I'm on perving patrol. Nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Happy this upped yer periscope, sunks. Bravo to Bernard for his Bonehomie. Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 17-07-2009
Ruff Love
He, he. Excellent Albert. I like it.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Ionc, from, a so glad to be bruvverless, Albert πŸ™‚

macaby on 18-07-2009
Ruff Love
I liked this one. "Neuter him"- haven't heard that before. funny indeed. Thanks for the laugh.
mac

Author's Reply:
Cheers, mac. Perhaps they call it something different in your neck of the woods. Works a treat though. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 19-07-2009
Ruff Love
Lol! Love it.

Romany

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. Good to see you around more these days. Am still missing Delph anD Orange though. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Mezzanotte on 19-07-2009
Ruff Love
You should do it, and she should wear them as earings

Author's Reply:
Heh, Heh! You've really got into the swing of this one mezz. :))


pombal on 19-07-2009
Ruff Love
Not what I expected and it made me smile.

Cheers for that Albermund

Author's Reply:
Glad it surprised and cheered you up pomb. rgds Albert πŸ˜‰


Groovy (posted on: 13-07-09)
 

Groovy ----- Hurrah, hurrah I'm in a rut I'm in a rut Hurrah, Hurrah Hurrah, hurrah I'm in a rut I'm in a rut Hurrah, Hurrah And if you join me In my rut You too can shout Hurrah, hurrah Just please ... Don't TOUCH anything.
Archived comments for Groovy
Andrea on 13-07-2009
Groovy
Tee hee

(sorry, can't think of anything more constructive to say)

Author's Reply:
Hurrah, Hurrah & thank you for not touching anything. πŸ˜‰

Mezzanotte on 13-07-2009
Groovy
Hee Hee,

made me laugh. Don't know why...

Author's Reply:
groooooovy πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 13-07-2009
Groovy
You are a weird guy, Albert, but always entertaining.
Cheers.

Author's Reply:
NIce one, Ionc. You make me feel happy bunny. πŸ™‚

macaby on 16-07-2009
Groovy
Don't ask me why, but this brought a smile to my face.
mac

Author's Reply:
Don't ask me either, mac! I discovered it in and old notebook of mine and it did exactly the same to me. Albert - cheers πŸ™‚


Highland Games (posted on: 10-07-09)
 

Highland Games ------------- Rhinos stomp in skirts and trainers; hardcore shreks tossing their cabers. Humping chunks from off their shoulders; hurling hammers, heaving boulders. Sweating porridge, belching banzais 'Wordsworth', watches, shrunk to fun-sized; scribbling pictures as they thrust; painted with my blunderbuss.
Archived comments for Highland Games
e-griff on 10-07-2009
Highland Games
I can see it all so clearly! Excellent picture.

Only thought : I'm not sure what the abberant layout of the first three lines (which appear as four) achieves. I've tried reading it different ways, but it just comes out as three lines in a rhyming pattern which follows through the poem.

Still, I know you like to be different! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked pic, e-g. You're last statement is very true. You could even substitute diff..... with ignor... and I wouldn't take the least offence. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


tHE rHyMING RANSoM nOTE (A found poem) (posted on: 06-07-09)
 

tHE rHyMING RANSoM nOTE (A found poem) ------------------- I fed it to the pigs.
Archived comments for tHE rHyMING RANSoM nOTE (A found poem)
Mezzanotte on 06-07-2009
tHE rHyMING RANSoM nOTE (A found poem)
What?*!??

Author's Reply:
Well... what the heck would you have done if you'd found one?

Heh πŸ˜‰


Beauty and the Butthead (posted on: 03-07-09)
 

Beauty and the Butthead ------------------ Sexy smile Curvaceous bottom Luscious hair Curvaceously plumptious bottom Hypnotic eyes Curvaceously plumptious wibbly wobbly bottom Divine perfume Curvaceously plumptious wibbly wobbly, munchy wunchy bottom Sensuous mouth Curvaceously plumptious wibbly wobbly, munchy wunchy squeezy weezy bottom Sweet Adam's apple Curvaceously plumptious wibbly wobbly... Bollocks!!!
Archived comments for Beauty and the Butthead
Bradene on 03-07-2009
Beauty and the Butthead
Lol ! Oh I love it what an ending literally, must have been a great disappointment, I thought at first you had been oggling the same picture as that Sunky fella (; Another smasher IMO. Val x

Author's Reply:
Heh! Thanks a lot, Val. Always nice to get a scrunchy wunchy bit of crit. Cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 03-07-2009
Beauty and the Butthead
I love bums me. I could look at them all day.... There's no way I can comment now. I guess that's nothing new tho? Ahem. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

annie get ya flu jab

Author's Reply:
Bottoms up, Sunks, Albert πŸ™‚


A Cautionary Tail (posted on: 29-06-09)
 

A Cautionary Tail ------------ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall winter was harsh, spring was glum by summertime his bum was numb.
Archived comments for A Cautionary Tail
Bradene on 29-06-2009
A Cautionary Tail
LOl I just love your humour, it puts me in the mind of the much missed (by Me at least) Spike Milligan. Valx

Author's Reply:
He was so slow and doddery in his twilight years yet practically everything he said had me in stitches. I've got a book of his poetry "Hidden Words" where in the foreward he admits to being totally baffled by some poetry which makes me warm to him even more since I am constantly being baffled and by some of his stuff too. But he does write some beauties and really inspires me to want to make him smile. Cheers, Val, that was a lovely compliment, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 30-06-2009
A Cautionary Tail
Classic Albermund. Simple as that. Bernard is well busy this week, but it would be criminal not to slap one on this. I'm sorry, Mr. Albermund, but you'll just have to live the pesky flea infested beagle. Good day!

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Fleas release me let me go... Heh! only joking Bernard! Ta very much, guys, your generousity is always much appreciated. Albert πŸ™‚


Like Road Runner (posted on: 26-06-09)
 

Like Road Runner ----------- Just driving along in my automobile on a bendy country road when whooooosh! it overtook me! Sheesh! No warning. From nowhere at all it overwhelmed and shook me. I blasted my window wound down the horn howled like coyote but it carried on and on ... ..... Woke up sides down in a field of sheep. I counted up to 40 but the tiredness was completely *gone*
Archived comments for Like Road Runner
Bradene on 26-06-2009
Like Road Runner
Clever and cautionary poem love the word play. Val

Author's Reply:
Thks, Val. Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 26-06-2009
Like Road Runner
Another unique write and no mistake, Mr. Albermund. Sheesh kebab, anyone? Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

best served naked

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Sunks, Albert:)

Leila on 26-06-2009
Like Road Runner
ha ha I didn't know where this was going so top marks for that...nicely done!...Leila

Author's Reply:
Thks, Leila, Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 26-06-2009
Like Road Runner
This made me laugh, and like Leila, I wasn't sure where this was going, but loved the ride.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta, Jolen, Albert πŸ™‚


message fora budning ;poetsa (posted on: 19-06-09)
 

message fora budning ;poetsa ------------------------ never post 'mastrepiece# when innebraiarted cos youwill;sureelyt rregret it Wait ubntil the morning afetr when youncan judge it sobjectively Liquorwise, nevefr opost wrok that has splurged out of the tot of your head 'cos it will be filled with froth nuisance and herrors germatatical> Just go to yoyre rpoom and wait for ftaherr time to come kick some se3nes into yiour sdorry ass,,,
Archived comments for message fora budning ;poetsa
e-griff on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
shame gos four commencating

Author's Reply:
HAH!

admin on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Shenshational!

*hic*

Author's Reply:
SHANKS! a lot πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Even the shell pecker sheems to be under the confluence.


Author's Reply:
I'm stuck on shell pecker? HELP!

Sunken on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Hello Mr. Alber of Mund fame. It's me, sunks. Have you ever commented whilst pissed? Don't do it. I sometimes wish my computer was attached to a breathalyser. I shouldn't be allowed near it when pissed. Same with mobile phones. So many apologies, so little time. Well done on the nib. I feel it my duty to bring you back down to earth with a flea infested Bernard. I'm so sorry. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Bit pissed just now so well done to your doggie for his lovely certificqate. Can't quite make out what he got it for but it looks very nice. rgds lbert πŸ™‚

macaby on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Unusual, extraordinary and original. Great stuff.
"Liquorwise" Haha I liked that.
mac

Author's Reply:
Cheers, mac. I could stare at your crit all day. Ta vry much, albert :))

artisus on 19-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
rofl, cool, original, clever!

Author's Reply:
Don't often get faved, art, so am really amzed that this one did the trick. cheers very, very, much, albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 22-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Read this last week and enjoyed very much, not much time for commenting then though so I'm catching up now. Well deserved nib and nom. Val

Author's Reply:
Ta for getting back to this, Val, and cheers for seconding most unexpected nom. Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 25-06-2009
message fora budning ;poetsa
Loved it! And I do wish you'd check with me before sharing my writing secrets with the world! lol Congrats on nib and nom....

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Hah! Belated thanks for inspiration and congratulations. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Spring Sh wers (posted on: 15-06-09)
 

Spring Sh wers ---------                   o b l   s s   m                o         o in s n   w    m  t i   n          o                           o                             o
Archived comments for Spring Sh wers
e-griff on 15-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
Berry rubbery idea!! I really really RIKED it!

Author's Reply:
berries? but grad you riked mister gliff. arbert πŸ™‚

shadow on 15-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
I hear every dr p landing pl p
o
o


Author's Reply:
darn it, s, methinks I haven't explained meself ploperly, but heck if it still works... great! Thanks, A πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 15-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
Huh? Ok, I know I'm slow, but my head aches and I don't know what I just read. I blame confusion. Hello?

s
u
n
k
e
n

best kept in the dark

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 15-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
Ahhh - I just got it - blossom in snow motion? Ahem. Very clever, unlike me )-: I blame... atmospherics. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

best before a court of law

Author's Reply:
and you used to be SO on the ball, Shrunks. Like Jimmy Greaves. Perhaps you should never have shaved off that moustache. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Ionicus on 15-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
Albert, are you flaking it?

Author's Reply:
Hope you're not being cheeky, nic. I bury cads like you.

Albertosaurus

macaby on 16-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
I like the visual shape/ pattern of it.
mac

Author's Reply:
Glad something took your fancy, mac. cheers, Albert:)

artisus on 18-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
very very cool and original

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, art. πŸ™‚

Sunken on 22-06-2009
Spring Sh wers
A moustache you say? Ya know, Mr. Mund, I've never tried having a moustache. I may grow one for a week or two.... Just for a laugh you understand. Ahem. Hello? Isn't it warm?

s
u
n
k
e
n

best left behind

Author's Reply:
I'm pretty sure I was referring to a rhetorical or perhaps hypathetic moustache but I do think evreyone should experience a moustache before it's too late or unless they stuffer from moustache fever. albert as always...


A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ... (posted on: 08-06-09)
.

A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ... ------------------------- It's getting late and he's not home. The bed is warm The bed is cold The dead of night and he's not home. Time standing still Time racing on The baby cries and he's not home Dear daddy loved Now 'daddy' loathes Blue flashing dawn and he's not home. The doorbell rings The doorbell tolls. She tells them of the precious life upstairs, asleep - free love's swansong. She tells them how its secret crushed A scrunch of tyres ... and they are gone.
Archived comments for A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
e-griff on 08-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
a very interesting experiment. well worth concentrating on to find the story. unusual and well done.

Author's Reply:
Thks, e-g. Glad you stuck it out πŸ™‚

Sunken on 08-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
Hello Mr. Albermund. I heard a song on the radio this morning in which the lyric went something like, 'young men shouldn't die on a Saturday night'. It happens all too often and no mistake. The 'doorbell tolls' line is particularly strong, in my sunken opinion.

s
u
n
k
e
n

fry up 3 - muesli 1

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Sunks. Good to know what turns you on πŸ™‚

artisus on 08-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
I agree with e-griff. πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thks, art. Glad it worked for you two πŸ˜‰

shadow on 08-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
Powerful stuff, told with admirable economy. Very good.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, shadow. It's real good to know that I'm not in my own little wonderland with this one. πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 08-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
A good one, Albert. Very original and well written.

Author's Reply:
Thks, I, Glad you thought so. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

macaby on 09-06-2009
A Screech of Tyres ... and He is Gone ...
Interesting poem, short but packs a punch. nice one.
mac

Author's Reply:
Ta for that, Mac. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Captain Peacock's l'Ost riches (posted on: 05-06-09)
.

Captain Peacock's l'Ost riches --------------------- Gravity defying entrepreneur dressed to kill all his own flair grabbed life's chances, answers to no-one dutiful wife drop dead gorgeous lover kids, long disgorged just like their mother Magnificent mansion forked out king's ransom fabulous grounds anchor classic car fleet Captain Horn Blower Captain Conned Quistador Captain of Golf Club he swings in his garden of Babylon...
Archived comments for Captain Peacock's l'Ost riches
Sunken on 06-06-2009
Captain Peacocks lOst riches
Albermund! You is back! I is pissed, so best not to dwell. As ever, tip top.

s
u
n
k
e
n

yeah, yeah

Author's Reply:
You may have been pissed but your taste still great. cheers albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 06-06-2009
Captain Peacocks lOst riches
Did I say 'yeah yeah'? Oh yeah, I did.

s
u
n
k
s

shall i pretend to be someone else? - no - that's for dick heads.

Author's Reply:

Heh! You're no Dick Head but... Georgie Fame... yeh?... yeh?! πŸ™‚

Romany on 06-06-2009
Captain Peacocks lOst riches
dressed to kill
all his own flair


Captain Conned Quistador

Like this, but loved the above!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, R, nice to know you appreciated these bitties. Thks, Albert πŸ™‚

Mezzanotte on 08-06-2009
Captain Peacocks lOst riches
I liked this because is said so much with so few words, and isn't that what poetry is about? I think...

Best wishes Albert
Jack

Author's Reply:
Heh! I usually try to get in and out as quick as pos, M. Real good to get another positive comment on this one. cheers, albert πŸ™‚


Whoosh! (posted on: 20-04-09)
.

Whoosh! -------- Aw no... Aw no, ma... ! Aw no...                         ma toupee ahhh!!!
Archived comments for Whoosh!
Rupe on 20-04-2009
Whoosh!
I thought this was rather baldly written...

Rupe

Author's Reply:
Hope you were able to grin and bear it, Rupe. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Elfstone on 20-04-2009
Whoosh!
Don't know if this is a poem or not, but it made me smile! Thanks Albermund. Elf.

Author's Reply:
That'll do me, Elf. Ta vry much, Albert πŸ™‚

cat on 22-04-2009
Whoosh!
Dear Mr Albermund,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of you're wig. I imagine that such a thing must be quite upsetting. May I suggest Sir that next time you try tape. (-:

Thank you for the giggle Catherine x


Author's Reply:
Well, Cat, if it works for you then it's certainly worth a try. Heh! glad you got a larf & thks, Albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 23-04-2009
Whoosh!
Dear Mr. Albermund, I shall keep my eyes open for a flying toupee. This must be a very distressing time and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

lady gaga can't read his poker face

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Sunkers, butdidyougetthebeef or just push to side of pate? Rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Torture (posted on: 06-03-09)
.

Torture -------- When she sighed, it was with contentment. When she shouted, it was with joy. When she screamed, it was with ecstacy. When I left it was on my knees.
Archived comments for Torture
Sunken on 06-03-2009
Torture
She sounds fantastic, Mr. Albermund. My advice, for what it's worth, take a pair of knee protectors. Good to see ya back.

s
u
n
k
e
n

don't you want me oakey?

Author's Reply:
Have just slipped out of me coma for a wee whiley, S. Thanks as always for your good cheer and helpful advice. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

RachelLW on 06-03-2009
Torture
This made me laugh. A brilliant, little piece. Loved it.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. Very happy it gave you a smile. cheers & welcome to UKA, albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 07-03-2009
Torture
But did YOU enjoy the experience, Albert? Good one, mate.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Suffice to say it's a fantasy I will probably return to L. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

cat on 09-03-2009
Torture
Hi Albermund,

A fitting title. Short and to the point, loved it.
Knee pads would definitely be helpfull!

c x

Author's Reply:
Good to get a title credit, cat. Am glad you enjoyed this. all the best & thanks, Albert πŸ™‚


Pinch me Please, Mr Precedent (posted on: 26-01-09)
.

Pinch me Please, Mr Precedent ------------------------ Are you really the Big Banama who'll save the world from psycho drama who's loved from Spain to Alobama are you real Mr Big Bonama Am I mad Mr Big Mobana to think that you will fix all trauma restore our fortunes cuddle Hamas or am I dreaming in pyjamas.
Archived comments for Pinch me Please, Mr Precedent
Mezzanotte on 26-01-2009
Pinch me Please, Mr Precedent
Ha ha.

Very funny. I always like how you play around with spelling.

I'm willing to give him a go. He can't be worse than Bush...can he?

Jackie

Author's Reply:
Thks Mezza. Glad you licked. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

At least he's jangled things up a bit.

Sunken on 27-01-2009
Pinch me Please, Mr Precedent
Hello Mr. Albermund. It's me, sunks. I come in peace, even though I am wearing khaki. It's a fashion statement. It saying, 'Lets dress like soldiers and go shopping for electrical goods, maybe have a pie and a pint, go see a film, buy a book or a cd. Lets fight the credit crunch and not each other.' Ahem. Top sub. It made me laugh. I belive it's still free to laugh?

s
u
n
k
e
n

our names, Mr. Albermund, are the only words that my spell-checker is questioning. How rude!

Author's Reply:
Looks like your smell-checker is in good order, S. Ta for laughing at my poem and your wise words on warts and peas. A πŸ˜‰


White Christmas (posted on: 26-12-08)
.

White Christmas ------------- Bingle jells - Crosby wells we're on the road to snow. Let's hope bobbin' robin's there decked out in Christmas glow No!... Bingle jells - cross bees yell the road to hell is snow. Let's hope bobbin' robins there burn up in Christmas glow Ho!... Bingle jells - Crosby swells bingle all the way. Frozen hums leave cross bees stunned across the milky way.
Archived comments for White Christmas
Sunken on 26-12-2008
White Christmas
A clever mish mash of jingly jangles, Mr. Mund. I saw that Bing bloke on tele in the week. He was singing 'Little drummer boy' with that Dave Bowie bloke. Ya know, I don't think he looked at Mr. Bowie once. Seemed a bit rude to me. Well, as you can see, I'm still not comfortable with this commenting lark. I blame the spirit of Eartha Kitt.

s
u
n
k
e
n

his death clock reads 2040

Author's Reply:
Are you saying Bing was Bong, S? Anyways, he only had eyes for Bob. Hope all shipshaped and ta for going distance with this. A;)

royrodel on 28-12-2008
White Christmas
hehehehe
now this is poetry

RODEL

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Roy, but you forgot the question mark. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

jay12 on 29-12-2008
White Christmas
Sounds festive enough (mish-mash) to me. Nice poem.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, J. Glad it agreed with you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Santa's Heroes (posted on: 22-12-08)
.

Santa's Heroes ----------- They're going like the clappers The Elves in Santa's shed They only stop for pee poos And they never go to bed 'Cos they're so busy working On every kiddy's dream And they will never falter No matter how extreme And when at last they're finished They'll load up Santa's sled Then tip-toe up to Rudolph And paint his nose bright red.
Archived comments for Santa's Heroes
HelenRussell on 23-12-2008
Santas Heroes
Made me chuckle out loud this one, it hit my funny spot πŸ™‚
Sarah

Author's Reply:
Thanks, HR, I love it when that happens. Cheers & Happy Xmas. Albert πŸ™‚

Mezzanotte on 23-12-2008
Santas Heroes
Dear Albermund,

I made the fatal mistake of reading this one out loud to my children. i now have to inform you that i have read it about fifty times and although at the beginning loved the meter and rhyme and the fast compact pace, now i am sick of it, but will no doubt have to read it another fifty times before the end of the day.

On behalf of my kids, well done on writing such a brilliant little poem which has brought loads of joy into our house this morning...later...probably tomorrow... ... ...and the day after.


Jackie and kids

Author's Reply:
Ta very much Mezza & kids. Comments like that I can read for ever! Hope you're bearing up and all having a great Xmas. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Sunken on 23-12-2008
Santas Heroes
You mean his nose isn't naturally red? I've a good mind to write to Trading Standards. A top poem, Mr. Mund of Alber fame. Kids, as already proven, will love this. Me, being a big kid, loved the pee poos line. Bernard, he of the beagle variety, he say 'Woof'. Sorry, but you'll just have to put up with him for xmas.

s
u
n
k
e
n




Author's Reply:
Pee poos does it for me too, S. Much cheer to beagle boy, yourself and big kids everywhere. Hope you're having a whale of a time. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚


Mr Spamtastic (posted on: 15-12-08)
.

Mr Spamtastic -------------- His organ has added an octave. The tabs for his flab are the bomb. New *Sexypex*cream makes them ripple and gleam. Using *Baldeeze* three hairs have respawned Yet strangely the babes that he yearned for no longer cause special effects. As he rocks back and forth on his butt plug, he slips on another rolex.
Archived comments for Mr Spamtastic
Mezzanotte on 15-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
Dear Albermund,

interesting poem, but I'm not sure what the message is...perhaps money can't buy happiness or youth...

And I'm dying to know what a but plug is.
Jackie

Author's Reply:
Heh! I'm so glad Sunkenpedia got there before me, M. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. It looks like I'm in a world of my own on this one. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 16-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
A butt plug is a sex toy for your bum, Ms. Jackie. Ahem. That's what I've been told anyway.
Ya know, the title of this has caused me to start singing that bloody awful Shaggy tune - 'They call me Mr. Spamtastic...'
I can't possibly comment any further whilst this aural anomaly is ongoing.

s
u
n
k
e
n

...oh carolina...

Author's Reply:
Ta for baling me out with Mezza, S. You certainly don't beat about the bush matey. Would be good to get a reading on your crapometer for the actual poem though. Especially as, only recently, I bollocked someone off about commenting without commenting, if you know what I mean. Am really happy for any flavour of crit, S. (Hit me with your rhythm stick ... ok) cheers Albert πŸ™‚

freya on 18-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
Albermund: Well, Sunks is a font of knowledge isn't he? Thanks to him I too now understand some of the references in your poem, but have no idea why your hopeful athlete would slip on ANOTHER rolex. What do watches have to do with anything, and why would he need more than one?

This is funny and made me laugh with it's clever twists and mocking tone. Even though I'm totally baffled by 'the tabs for his flab are the bomb' - unless you mean that the expense of getting rid of the fat kind of blows up in his face. Strictly a guess, you understand?

my favorite line with the most hilarious play on word meaning: His organ has added
an octave.

Ha Ha Ha! Reminds me of a TV commercial in the US touting a free sample of Extenze, guaranTEED to enlarge 'that certain part of a male anatomy'! Fun and saucily irreverent write. Shelagh πŸ˜‰

Author's Reply:
Had vision of buttman sucking up the spam( sex aids/ rolex watches/ magic potions/ etcetc) in effort to attract his dream girls only to end up falling in love with his 'new' self. The rolex were being slipped onto his organ BTW πŸ™‚ The bomb (or da bomb) just means the fat tabs worked great. Good to get your thoughts about what did and didn't work. Glad you enjoyed the extra octave. thks a a lot Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 19-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
Hello again, Mr. Albermund. Thanks for letting me know that my style of comment doesn't appeal. I have often wondered if maybe that was the case. I don't really do crit to be honest. I'm more than happy to just read in future. I have, in the past, asked people to let me know if my comments pee them off. I appreciate you doing that (-: All the best, Mr. Mund of Albert fame.

s
u
n
k
e
n

tomorrow the crayon factory

Author's Reply:
Don't be daft, S! I'd really miss your avuncular weirdness.You also appear to 'get' some of my stuff that leaves others scratching. Hell, I have a small enough audience as it is without losing someone who has an inkling 'bout what I'm on about. YOu've also bucked me (and probably many others) when nobody gave a toss and that can really work wonders. Sorry you got wrong end of stick. All I'm asking for is that somewhere you include (and you nearly always do ) the slightest hint as to what you thought of the poem. Perhaps this time I should have just realised that your nifty "aural anomaly' was just a neat way of not having to say anything. πŸ˜‰ Whatever, please carry on being your quirkywirky self, rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 19-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
Yes, Well now that I have read all the remarks to this little ditty, every word slips into place and the meaning becomes clear... except that I honestly didn't think folk were really that weird. Then I have always been a little bit behind the door with regard to this subject! My God! what a sheltered life I've led. (-; Val Oh My reaction to your poem? If it's autobiographical.. boy! if it were me I'd keep it quiet (-;

Author's Reply:
Too late, B, have already spilt the beanz... all over my body just in time for rodger my pet daschund's supper. Thank you for being so understanding and not reporting me to the arse spca. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 20-12-2008
Mr Spamtastic
Oh. Sorry Mr. Albermund. I think I did get you wrong initially. I really should stop myself from using the pc in the early hours. I think your audience is bigger than you think. I would suggest you stop thinking. That way, what you were thinking cannot have any bearing on what... oh fuck it, I don't know where I'm going with that theory. I shall continue to offer shyte crit at my earliest possible convenience. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

Lol - 'arse spca' - Your reply to Val. I just saw it. Very good. Ahhhh...

Author's Reply:
That's music to my earse, S. cheers, A:)


A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia (posted on: 08-12-08)
.

A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia --------------------------- Kissed cute carb today till handsome pincer arose and flet my bomtot.
Archived comments for A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia
Sunken on 08-12-2008
A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia
Have you been watching Star Wars of a Sunday afternoon, Mr. Albermund? I didn't reckon much to The Empire Strikes Back. It was more like a teddy bears picnic. I'd never realised how hot Princess Dyslexia was tho. I had difficulties controlling my light saber and no mistake. Bzzzzz - shit, there it goes again. Typical Albermund and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

a translation of this comment can be found on ceefax page 342

Author's Reply:
Thank you, S, for not referring to this as a load of Albermund. rgds as always to you and your therapists. Albert πŸ™‚


RoyBateman on 10-12-2008
A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia
Very witty idea and execution - besides which, it gives us all a bit of fun translating. Funny how "bomtot" sounds MUCH ruder than "bottom" - I'm off to buy one today...

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. Glad you were able to degook me gobble. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

PS I agree - bomtot lures πŸ™‚

admin on 10-12-2008
A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia
Haven't a clue what you're on abaht, but I thought it was brilliant!

*wanders of muttering ' flet my bomtot, flet my bomtot, flet my ...'*

Author's Reply:
Heh! I think your attitude is adminirable. Long may your bomtot be fletted. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

macaby on 10-12-2008
A Hukia from the Dairy of Princess Dylsexia
i thought it was original and very witty " hukia", the only word i couldnt figure out was carb. nice i liked it.

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked, mac. Re carb - if they had pincers, it would have been a forg. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Unwanted Present (posted on: 01-12-08)
.

The Unwanted Present ------------------ Twas Christmas Eve I fell to sleep and dreamed of presents kneecap deep At dawn's first light I woke with Joy and wished that I was still a boy.
Archived comments for The Unwanted Present
e-griff on 01-12-2008
The Unwanted Present
'Get up you lazy
useless slob!
And put the breakfast
on the hob.'

She told me that
My angry mate
That's Joy!
And this life's now my fate.


Author's Reply:
See your reply to my bit of self-indulgence.

Not keen on comments that just bypass any feelings about the actual poem. I'd rather you told me this was a pile of shite. Even "eh?" or "wtf" would have been more useful.

THanks at least for putting it on the radar.

PS am proably no saint meself and you're certsinly not the first who's done it to me. Just this occasion it completely got on my tits.

Sunken on 02-12-2008
The Unwanted Present
Hello Mr. Albermund. Is it that time of year again? Oh god. Enjoyed the pome, especially the 'kneecap deep' line.

s
u
n
k
e
n

the handle came off in his hand

Author's Reply:
WAs swiggling beteween navel & kneecap. Was greedy wee bugger! Ta & cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Doughnut on 02-12-2008
The Unwanted Present
Like the way the title relates to the verses and the rhyme boy-joy. Nice one.

Author's Reply:
THanks, D. The title makes the poem worthwhile for me. cheers, Albert.

teifii on 07-12-2008
The Unwanted Present
Very neat and to the point. Says quite a lot in a couple of short verses.
Daff
Come and see me at my book shop http://www.merilang.co.uk/shop.htm

Author's Reply:
Ta,T. A:)


Weather (to die for) (posted on: 28-11-08)
.

Weather (to die for) ---------------- I want to be wasted by the wind, liquidated by the rain, murdered by the sun I want to die in a hail of hail, explode as the thunder strikes I want to be stunned by the snow and buried 'neath an avalanche of daffodils.
Archived comments for Weather (to die for)
e-griff on 28-11-2008
Weather (to die for)
I thought this might be a bag of wind, but you blew me away!

Author's Reply:
Always knew you were a lightweight, e-g. Cheers πŸ˜‰

Munster on 29-11-2008
Weather (to die for)
nice piece, an avalanche of daffodil's, enjoyed the read,

Tony

Author's Reply:
Glad you like, esp. that bit. Thks, A:)

Sunken on 29-11-2008
Weather (to die for)
Did you know that you can tell if someone likes pitta bread by holding a daffodil under their chin. Apparently, if it reflects a yellow glow they do indeed have a penchant for said delicacy. If it doesn't glow they usualy have a beard. Not a lot of people know that... I suspect Michael Caine has an inkling tho. Tip top, as ever, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

cinderella was into balls anyway

Author's Reply:
YOu write better daffodilshit than Woolworth, S. cheers πŸ™‚


Oh Rhea! (posted on: 17-11-08)
.

Oh Rhea! -------- Howlin' urethra ranklin' testes inflamed nymphector gone...
Archived comments for Oh Rhea!
Sunken on 20-11-2008
Oh Rhea!
Hello Mr. Albermund. My mates mum once went into hmv and asked for urethra franklin's greatest hits. She shops online these days. I think it's for the best.

s
u
n
k
e
n

goth convention - friday 12pm - dress to depress

Author's Reply:
Heh! I bet that's the last time you went out with your mate's mum. A πŸ˜‰


The Quest (posted on: 10-11-08)
.

The Quest -------- ... and then          at last in twilight's loom glowing words midst what looked like small rocks. As I swooped from my steed to sweep up in my arms I was pelted with mental blocks.
Archived comments for The Quest
Jolen on 10-11-2008
The Quest

I'm not sure if I get the gist of this, but if I'm right in my thinking, (even if I'm not) I think it's quite clever. A bit of inspiration that teased the writer with what seemed easy picking, only to extract some serious pain? Or something like that. Anyway, I enjoyed the read.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
It's just mean't to be a ye olde blockage poem, J. Liked the idea of dodging the blocks/"like small rocks" to get to the beautiful words.:) Judging by you and e-g I could perhaps make this clearer (in another life, perhaps, heh!) Ta for giving it ago. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 10-11-2008
The Quest
to sweep WHAT up in my arms?

apart from that wee niggle, I liked this a lot.

Author's Reply:
The 'glowing words' , e-g. Glad you like despite. cheers, Albert.
BTW is it still ok to say "niggle"? πŸ˜‰


Sunken on 11-11-2008
The Quest
Hello Mr. Albermund. I'm sure you'll be sweeping up words in your arms for many years to come. Have you considered a mental block helmet?

s
u
n
k
e
n

done but with errors on stage

Author's Reply:
NO, but I did once order and cancel a bobble remover from JML when I discovered the postage would be twice as much as the goods. I shudder to think of their exotic helmet charges. thank you , Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 12-11-2008
The Quest
Clever metaphor. Works very well.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, delph. Good to see you're still on the go, A πŸ™‚

e-griff on 13-11-2008
The Quest
yeh, but you haven't SAID that, Mr Alba-Mundo! πŸ™‚

sounds like you are going round with a broom with your armour still on!

PS: I don't think we should denigrate 'niggle'.

Author's Reply:
Sometimes you don't talk all bollocks, e-g. Will let you know when I've revised. A πŸ™‚


Ting Ting (posted on: 03-11-08)
.

Ting Ting -------- I have new car it go "sing sing" when I am sitting on it springs "ting ting" you safety belt is off "ting ching" you legs should not be crossed "ping ting" you left lights on you clot "ker ching" bad smells need new exhaust "ping tong" you drive too long this stint "ping pong" please stop you high balls squint "ding dong" hitchhiker at the door "King Kong" hit juice! big monster roar... She had new car it went hurt ling left road, hit tree too many rings...
Archived comments for Ting Ting
Sunken on 03-11-2008
Ting Ting
Classic Albermund, in my sunky opinion. Nuff said. Or should that be wuff said?

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
We must do walkies, Bernard. Ta very much to you both. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 04-11-2008
Ting Ting
A step too far for me ... Mr Albermundo! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Darn you e-g, just when I was feeling good about that last stanza, I'm overtaken by doubts. Perhaps I should have slowed down before making the post. πŸ˜‰

red-dragon on 05-11-2008
Ting Ting
Well, it wouldn't be an Albermund poem if it were boring, would it?

Author's Reply:
Just hope I'll never surprise you, red. πŸ˜‰


King of the Bungle (posted on: 20-10-08)
.

King of the Bungle ---------------- Gordon rises to banking crashes like a phoenix from Cameron's trashes.
Archived comments for King of the Bungle
red-dragon on 20-10-2008
King of the Bungle
Very clever!

Author's Reply:
Ta red. Real pleased it worked for you. A:)

Sunken on 22-10-2008
King of the Bungle
Yes, very clever and no mistake, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

yes sir, i pogo, but i need a certain song

Author's Reply:
It's the pogo bears I worry about, S. Thank you for finding no mistakes. A πŸ™‚

artisus on 25-10-2008
King of the Bungle
Even a Greek can understand how politically clever you've been here.. good read.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Glad not all Scottish to you, art. Thks πŸ™‚


A Tishu (posted on: 17-10-08)
.

A Tishu ----- snot haiku snot senyru just me feeling shihtzu.
Archived comments for A Tishu
Ionicus on 17-10-2008
A Tishu
Bless you!

Author's Reply:
Tanka πŸ™‚

Bradene on 17-10-2008
A Tishu
For god's sake stop wiping it on your sleeve boy! Nice one made me chuckle. Val

Author's Reply:
Heh! snotshit rulz πŸ™‚

red-dragon on 17-10-2008
A Tishu
This was snot a sneezy poem to write, I'll bet! Ann

Author's Reply:
Could never have done it without all the draughts.:)

Sunken on 17-10-2008
A Tishu
Do you know, Mr. Albermund, and this is true and no mistake, I haven't had a cold since the day that princess Di died. The day she died I had the worst bout of flu ever. It knocked my off my feet and I was in bed for a week. But since then I've had nothing. With this in mind I would recommend that you kill a princess. Not that I killed Di you understand. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

there isn't a white fiat uno in his garage

Author's Reply:
Great to see your bonkers are still in good order. πŸ™‚

e-griff on 17-10-2008
A Tishu
excellent thought!

nice wee joke.

Author's Reply:
Ta πŸ™‚


Miss U. Macjoyce (posted on: 22-09-08)
.

Miss U. Macjoyce --------------- woz 'ere now *disappeared* like Harriet Hawk down Stephen King's black hole. No more the wit and wonder words and wobbles to the beating drum sans hum No more to spy that stylish shining rhyming climbing Burmese bum.
Archived comments for Miss U. Macjoyce
delph_ambi on 22-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Yep. Sorely missed.

Author's Reply:

teifii on 22-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Couldn't have put it half as well myself.
Daff

Author's Reply:

admin on 22-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Indeed. I reckon we all miss him, the rogue.

Author's Reply:

red-dragon on 23-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Noooo.....
What have I missed? Has he gone? When? Why? I've been so busy in the last 2 months that I haven't had time to visit UKA. Ann

Author's Reply:

Scapegoat on 24-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
I have it on good authority that Macjoyce has no desire to return to this site until certain people are no longer allowed to insult him; or until he is allowed to insult back, when insulted.

In particular, he does not wish to share a site with a certain wealthy and talentless gentleman who reads nothing but Wikipedia and who is generally allowed to be as rude, dismissive and pompous to people, as he likes.

However, he thanks you, Albermund, for a kind poem.


Author's Reply:

Andrea on 24-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Dear ol' Scape - you a truly a Mac in sheep's...er....goat's clothing.

Long may yer lumbs reek!

Author's Reply:

orangedream on 24-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
I second that, with knobs on:-)



Author's Reply:

Albermund on 24-09-2008
Miss U. Macjoyce
Ta for responding folks.
Good to know there's more than me that gives a stuff.
Sorry to hear about his troubles, Scape. Perhaps you could let him know that, in his own way, I think he's just as much an asset to this site as the "wealthy, talentless, pompous, rude, dismissive Wikipedian".

A.

BTW - Glad he understood my poem. He often has problems you know. Drives me bananas sometimes.


Author's Reply:


Air in a G String (posted on: 25-08-08)
.

Air in a G String -------------- He leaves all muffled shuffles up the rise his eyes well hidden from the blazing sun in long coat homburg hat, scarf, gloves, old citizen cane, he stumbles totters on his arm blonde, stacked a vision, high on heels she trips 'n' teeters titters swirl as skirts and trousers flap farewell from loaded father and my new out of the blue "Fuck You!" step mum.
Archived comments for Air in a G String
Sunken on 26-08-2008
Air in a G String
Oh yeah. Both myself and the beagle are liking this, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
I feel like I'm flying like a beagle. Many thanks folks. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 28-08-2008
Air in a G String
LOL well, this one made me laugh out loud, and I loved that I never saw the ending coming. (of course I was blindfolded at the time, mind.)

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Heh! reading poetry blindfolded! What a great idea. I struggle lots with all that meta fuzzical stuff. Would give me more time to concentrate on the smell and aura and the author's name would never interfere with my objectionability.

Glad you got a LOL, J. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Mildred and Mogger (posted on: 22-08-08)
.

Mildred and Mogger ---------------- She creeps up the road on rickety sticks He sneaks up the road behind her "Been my shadow" she smiles "since I lost my Doug" I just want to bend down and give him a hug.
Archived comments for Mildred and Mogger
Jolen on 23-08-2008
Mildred and Mogger
A very touching piece. Short and powerful, like me! lol Seriously, I enjoyed this little ode to companionship.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Cheers, J. After meeting the twosome I smiled all the way home. πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 23-08-2008
Mildred and Mogger
Very sweet, Albert. I like it.

Author's Reply:
THanks, I. I feel it's almost too sweet and have tried different versions but always come back to this one. cheers πŸ™‚

Sunken on 24-08-2008
Mildred and Mogger
hello Mr. Albermund. Ya know I haven't seen my shadow for months. I must start facing daylight. Nice pome, crap comment, match postponed.

s
u
n
k
e
n

into the valley of the neatly turned out

Author's Reply:
Daylight's no big deal, S, though it's getting better now we've got a telly that automatically adjust for bright sunlight. Glad you liked. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


My First Hangover (posted on: 28-07-08)
.

My First Hangover --------------- Woke up with a monster head. At breakfast mother said - your head your head Mein gottfathers! My father gawped his colour fled he staggered off with a piece of bread left me sat there with a monster head and baby sis' crying face bright red - ma mah ma mah ded dah ded dah de bah stas drak ma mihka!
Archived comments for My First Hangover
Macjoyce on 28-07-2008
My First Hangover
Mihka?

Author's Reply:
milk (they're a bugger to understand)

Sunken on 28-07-2008
My First Hangover
Ahhh, milk. I've recently discovered that milk is good for alleviating acid indigestion. I have also discovered that milk ice cubes don't really work. They just cause ya cola to go all blahhh.

s
u
n
k
e
n

can you hear the drums fernando?

Author's Reply:
I agree, S, there's definitely a gap in the market for semi-skimmed organic extra virgin milkahol. rgds, albert

Jolen on 01-08-2008
My First Hangover
I knew it was milk! The rhythm here is intoxicating...no pun intended.

I know this 'monster head'...A fine piece of work, young Albert.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Hah! Thanks a lot, J. Another of mine you've kissed better. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

delph_ambi on 06-08-2008
My First Hangover
Love it! Been away, so I missed this one. Glad I delved down and found it.

Author's Reply:
Me very glad too, delph. Hope you refreshed. Albert πŸ™‚


Solitude (posted on: 21-07-08)
.

Solitude -------- I slog these sands through stinging rain without a grain of care as bashing wind and thrashing surf compound our love affair. Gross world, its grief and gravity, sweet nothings in the storm as inner blends with outer space I'm warped up in your arms.
Archived comments for Solitude
delph_ambi on 21-07-2008
Solitude
Love what you did in the last stanza. Unexpected, yet entirely logical. Surprisingly moving.

Author's Reply:
LOng live our shitty weather, delph. Glad it moved. thks, Albert

red-dragon on 21-07-2008
Solitude
As delph said, a clever twist to the last stanza which lifts it to another level. The images come across as being very strong. Ann

Author's Reply:
Cheers, red. Good to know I can still waggle your tail. Albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 21-07-2008
Solitude
Hello Mr. Albermund. A corking little piece and no mistake. I is liking the warped line very much and no mistake. By the way, I finally figured that your last poem is a kinda sum? I have yet to work it out tho as I can't find a calculator. Please forgive my ignorance. I really am this thick. Anyway, enjoyed this.

s
u
n
k
e
n

acid indigestion dawn

Author's Reply:
Hurrah! I reckon you should upgrade your moniker to Sumken. BUT you are still a bit of a Shrunken Sherlock 'cos them der numbers got history to tell. Glad this one corked your pop. ta vry much, Albert πŸ˜‰


conspiracy theory 911 (posted on: 14-07-08)
.

   conspiracy theory 911        ----------------      [conspiracy theory 19    plus conspiracy theory 63] multiplied by conspiracy theory 11     plus conspiracy theory 22    minus conspiracy theory 13             points zero                 zero              local time.
Archived comments for conspiracy theory 911
e-griff on 14-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
there's some hidden meaning in this, I'm sure!



Author's Reply:
I'm surprised the numbers don't ring a bell. Especially to someone of your vintage! Ta for commenting. cheers, albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 15-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
Hello Mr. Albermund. I watched a documentary on that tower 7 the other night. I reckon it was a storage facility for luminous gnomes. It's going to take me some time to prove it tho. I'm still trying to work your poem out. It's probably just too clever for me )-: I blame truancy and space hoppers.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he blames truancy and space hoppers

Author's Reply:
I would give you a clue, S, but really what kind of tosser posts a brilliantly obscure poem then in desperation starts trying to explain it in the comments section? YOu go play with your luminous gnomes and just forget the hell about this shitastic piece of bollocknificence. Thank you very much. Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 19-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
This is very clever. Very!

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta very much ,J. Was amazed how these numbers worked so easily. Seemed so appropriate and was really hoping that more folk would cotton on. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

DocOrange on 19-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
I liked this, in a similar vane to the tennis one i read by you recently, they're like a poem version of the Da Vinci code... but better.

Author's Reply:
Hah! Nice one, Doc. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 20-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
Hi Albert,
It's me again. I just wanted to check and see if anyone else had figured out what this is. As I told you by pm, I think it's unique, creative and challenging. Surprised it wasn't nibbed. Ah, well, what can you do? Thanks for making me think. πŸ˜‰

Jolen

Author's Reply:
My pleasure, J. Am just so glad this one did eventually click with yourself and Doc. cheers, Aklbert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 28-07-2008
conspiracy theory 911
You should replace Carol Vorderman on Countdown. Apparently, there's a conspiracy behind why she's leaving the show. But you will be a more than adequate replacement.

Anyway, let's have a lookee here. 19 + 63 = 1963, the year of Kennedy's assassination. 11/22 = 22nd of November, the date of his assassination, right? The American date order is a bit confusing, but I'll let you off as I know you're a bit of a Yankophile and can't help it.

13/00... Not sure about this. Was JFK shot at one in the afternoon, perhaps?

Does the maths add up to 911? I don't have a calculator to hand. If it does, that's pretty amazing, you clever sod.



Author's Reply:
They do. 13:00 = Time of death. I think me and Gyles Brandreth would be a great team. Good to see you rummaging once more amongst my arty facts. Albert πŸ™‚


I killed Robert Mugabe (posted on: 30-06-08)
.

I killed Robert Mugabe -------------------- He was wearing a baseball cap and what looked like one of his fancy election shirts. Walking that walk in the dwindling twilight. I jumped out from behind Nelson's Column; hacking and slashing, cutting him to ribbons with my cricket bat. It's the third Robert Mugabe I've disposed off in a week, and, whilst early days, I do feel a slight easing of my tension headaches; though foreign news bulletins are still unwatchable.
Archived comments for I killed Robert Mugabe
RoyBateman on 30-06-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Oh, if only...do the world a favour and get the right one next time, mate. Mind you, I can remember when Ian Smith was supposed to be the baddie, and he was a mere amateur in comparison. Then, he was the wrong colour...

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your support, Roy. Perhaps I should go after that Thabo Mbeki as well. Saw one down the Co-op last Thursday. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Corin on 30-06-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Brilliant - nothing more calculated to bring dictators closer to apoplexy than clever satire.

David

Author's Reply:
Would love to see the whole wotrld taking the piss out of Robert Mugabe and his band of sickers but then I think of George Bush and then I vow to give up trying to interfere in international affairs and go back to wondering why waitresses are looking more and more attractive these days. Glad you cottoned on. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

jay12 on 30-06-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Sounds to me like the story of one man fighting the opposition one man at a time. A lovely poem!

Author's Reply:
Ta for commenting, jay. Glad you enjoyed.
cheers, Albert

delph_ambi on 01-07-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Chilling. Good one.

Author's Reply:
I wish he was, delph. THks, Albert.

Bootylicious on 01-07-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Hear hear. Though I'd like something a lot more vicious than a cricket bat I can tell you.

Like the play on Nelson's column (is it intentional?)

Booty

Author's Reply:
I agree, B, but then it just wouldn't be cricket! Nelson, yep - intentional. Much appreciate fave. cheers, Albert

Sunken on 01-07-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
Apparently his 'aides' have told the west to 'Go hang' - How extremely intelligent. Nice one Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

chips that pass in the night

Author's Reply:
Bloody bonkers evil the lot o' them, S.. cheers, Albert

e-griff on 26-10-2008
I killed Robert Mugabe
I'm listening to audios.

I think you should be yourself when you read. Trying a dramatic effect you're not quite sure of is dodgy. Say it loud and bold in your own voice. Start from there.


Author's Reply:
Think of these as my follies albΓ¨re, e-g. It gives me a bit of fun and I even quite enjoy listening to them even months later. My normal voice, at whatever stature, just does not do it for me. Thanks for your take and for being one the very few people at UKA who have ever anowledged that these recordings exist. πŸ™‚


In Bed with Shharapova (posted on: 23-06-08)
.

In Bed with Shharapova ----------------- b  O    i     n  g b    o  i     N  g b     O i      n g          . b    o  ı       Ng           · bO      ı      n g b   o   ı.  N    g
Archived comments for In Bed with Shharapova
discopants on 23-06-2008
In Bed with Sharapova
That'll make it 15-0 then, will it?

Author's Reply:
Heh! well spotted, dp. Actually, it was just me taking advantage. cheers, albert πŸ˜‰

Macjoyce on 23-06-2008
In Bed with Sharapova
Oh, very clever, Mr Cummings. I see what you've done there.

Just two things I don't understand:

1. Why does the dot of the i come off and move around in the last three lines?

2. The poem seems just to be about playing tennis, not about sex. Unless you have sex with a net acoss the middle of your bed. Do you?




Or do you just have sex moving around a tennis court?



Author's Reply:
1. Ejaculation of (unrealistically) stumpy member + first time the return by N was a bit higher over the net to back of court, whilst the second dot represents lob which was hopelessly smashed into the bottom of it.

2. Thought the boing boing boing ... + mention of bed + ejaculation would get message across.

Glad it made some sense for you. cheers A A Albert πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 23-06-2008
In Bed with Sharapova
Hahaha, Jess is in love with Sharapova. She's playing tomorrow - he will be glued.

She can also play tennis fairly competently πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Couldn't believe how glued I got first time I saw her in action. If only her accent matched her name. Glad you got larf. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 24-06-2008
In Bed with Sharapova
There is something missing here, Albert. Every boing should be followed by a grunt or a squeal a la Sharapova.

Author's Reply:
Fixed ;))

Sunken on 26-06-2008
In Bed with Shharapova
Is she a tennis player then? I'm totally outta touch with wimblydom. I must make more of an effort. I am, after all, a big fan of white knickers and squealing ladies.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he works best on aux2

Author's Reply:
Yep, and well worth squealing, Sunks. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

DocOrange on 26-06-2008
In Bed with Shharapova
Simple but effective, is the dot on the 'i' the ball, with the 'o' and the 'n' representing the players? (a bit like a flick book animation), or did i completely mis-read it? πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Bang on, Doc. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 26-06-2008
In Bed with Shharapova
LOL. clever, clever. I always liked the term 'balls in your court' and now even more so. lol

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Glad you got a giggle, J. cheers, A:)

PS anything to do with "new balls" still does it for me (pathetic... eh!)


crit happens (posted on: 20-06-08)
.

crit happens --------- post new poem; glowing crit read crap poem; sparkling crit Mega Shitter! Same critter.
Archived comments for crit happens
e-griff on 20-06-2008
crit happens
took me a moment to work this out πŸ™‚

well, beauty IS in the eye ...

especially in poetry, I think there is no black and white, absolute 'good' and 'bad', so ...

Author's Reply:
A moment, eh! I must be slipping up πŸ™‚
I agree e-g, but it still rankles and stops all creative thought ad nauseum. cheers, A.

delph_ambi on 20-06-2008
crit happens
Hehe. Absolutely. Has happened to me. Bloody infuriating, innit.

Genius title, btw.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, delph, but please do not use 'genius' when critting others for at least another six weeks if you know what's good for me. thanks a lot, A;)


Macjoyce on 20-06-2008
crit happens
I'd rate this ten out of ten but that wouldn't be enough to do justice to this amazing poem, oh my God, it's so superb, I think I've just come in my pants, etc etc etc.


Author's Reply:
Mega shitter.

DocOrange on 23-06-2008
crit happens
"This poem sucks!"

ha ha ha, just kidding, it's blunt and to the point and that's cool.

Guess it's just easier to point out the positives to the negatives in somebody elses work, if not neccesarily as helpful.

Doc.



Author's Reply:
Ta, Doc. I liked the way each line of your critique got progressively longer. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰


Jet Noise (posted on: 13-06-08)
.

Jet Noise ------- Through frosted glass a black flowerpot meows, emptily.
Archived comments for Jet Noise
delph_ambi on 13-06-2008
Jet Noise
Ha! Love it. Great picture in just eight words (and title).

Author's Reply:
It's next door's flowerpot actually! Glad you enjoyed, esp title. thanks, A:)

e-griff on 13-06-2008
Jet Noise
no cat-calls from me.

Author's Reply:
purr-haps?

A;)

Sunken on 14-06-2008
Jet Noise
I believe I know where that flowerpot lives, Mr. Albermund. Mad as ever, but I likes it.

s
u
n
k
e
n

a chip off the old cock

Author's Reply:
WE likes it too, S, so 'ands off

cheers, A;)


Sir Roger Moortis (posted on: 09-06-08)
.

Sir Roger Moortis ------------- Whatever's happened to Sir Roger Moortis. Has he been stricken by osteo-eyebrowtis; or will his cock once more delight us. Whatever's happened to Sir Roger Moortis.
Archived comments for Sir Roger Moortis
Macjoyce on 09-06-2008
Sir Roger Moortis
Very funny and silly, Mr Mund, but 'osteo' refers to the back, does it not? So back-eyebrowsis doesn't make much sense. Those eyebrows, though animated, definitely stayed on the front of his face. I think you exaggerrate. Maybe you could parody his eyebrows, so that they do actually migrate to his back.

His cock has delighted you? Has Roger rogered you? And then did he roger you moore? etc etc etc



Author's Reply:
GIve us a break, mate. You don't know yer arse from yer osteo!
And anyways, Osteo-eyebrowtis/Osteo-arthritis... who disnae ken whit am talkin' aboot.. jummy.

Cock refers to eyebrow cockings, you durty boy...

Glad you liked despite... cheers Albert πŸ™‚

eddiesolo on 09-06-2008
Sir Roger Moortis
Like this and Osteo is from the Greek 'osteon'-bone.

So maybe his forehead has seized lol.

Enjoyed.

Si:-)



Author's Reply:
Delighted you enjoyed, esolo, and I definitely ain't budging on the 'osteo-eyebrowtis'. Ta for your support, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 11-06-2008
Sir Roger Moortis
Hello Mr. Albermund. Another clever and witty piece. That's my opinion and I won't be changing it. I trust this helps. Now, lets practice our eyebrow raising...

s
u
n
k
e
n

believes the future to be shrink wrapped


Author's Reply:
Naw... lets practice giving me tens. rgds Albert ;))

PS - thank you for not spitting.

e-griff on 12-06-2008
Sir Roger Moortis
Yep, even I understood this one precisely πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Phew... ;))

Sunken on 12-06-2008
Sir Roger Moortis
Sorry, Mr. Mund. I don't like the anon rating system so I don't don't use it anymore. I can offer you a bowl of frosties though?

s
u
n
k
e
n

would sir like a bag with that?

Author's Reply:
Thank you for attending to this matter so promptly, S, and may all your ricicles be as nicicle as tricycles. cheers, Albert:)


Mona Lesam (posted on: 06-06-08)
.

Mona Lesam ------------ Mona Lesam shuns the sun; has to get her painting done. Smirks inside as spotty chums Mel an' Soma bake their buns.
Archived comments for Mona Lesam
Sunken on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam
Lol. Now why hasn't this had a comment? I'm going to comment twice...

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam
The Mel an' Soma line is classic. I shall be back with a Bernard. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to put up with him.

s
u
n
k
e
n

till then I'll walk

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam


Author's Reply:
Was feeling real rough then

woof Woof WOOF!


Thanks a lot, matey.

A:)

e-griff on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam
well, I read it, but didn't comment because I simply didn't understand it - and what is 'classic' about Mel an' Soma? - Sunken seems to have got your message, but ...

I read your replies to 'joey' on another site, but am still no wiser. perhaps other people had the same problem. probably a lesson there πŸ™‚

the only meaning I can find is if I read 'lesion' for 'Lisam', and 'Oma' for 'Soma' - but that's not what the poem says, (and I listened to the audio for a clue ... but no).

sooo ....

Author's Reply:
Heh! Good to know you're dipping into Poetry Critical. I love the fact you can post and comment there anonymously.

Don't really want to spell this one out but there were certainly cluse left in comments section of PC. Whilst it's frustrating that in lots of my poetry that stuff is missed, it is truly brilliant when suddenly someone gets it. (did you spot sonny and cher and U2 in Jumbo?) I guess I'm just a bit of a masochist.
Ta as always for telling as is. cheers, A:)

delph_ambi on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam
Works for me. Trademark witty writing, multi-layered, funny but 'ouch' at the same time. Great stuff.

Author's Reply:
It 's good to know I haven't lost you, Delph. Ta vry mch & cheers Albert πŸ™‚

PS - Keep right odd to the end of the road. πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 07-06-2008
Mona Lesam
yeh, delph, but you ARE odd, aintcha?

Author's Reply:

Macjoyce on 18-06-2008
Mona Lesam
I haven't got a clue what this is about. Care to give me one? Sounds like? How many syllables?


Author's Reply:
admin has right idea

admin on 19-06-2008
Mona Lesam
Spotty chums melanoma? (it's what happens when you bake yer buns)

Even if I didn't get it, I thought it was hilarious πŸ™‚



Author's Reply:
you forgot the 's' - L1/L7
glad you got a larf. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

admin on 19-06-2008
Mona Lesam
Er...better clarify. What I meant was, even if I didn't get it as you meant it, my own interpretation made me laugh, which has gotta be A Good Thing, no?

Author's Reply:

Macjoyce on 22-06-2008
Mona Lesam
So, it's about the skin disease Melanoma, but with an 's'?

Melanomas?

It could just as easily be about anomales, but with another 'm'.

Anommales?

As far as I know, Soma is not a name. Is it? You could have used Amos instead. Is there a 'Brave New World' relevance to Soma? That was their opium-of-the-people, was it not? It's probably got no relevance at all. Hmmm.



Author's Reply:
I would kick this one into touch, MJ. If it was your cup of tea you'd have got it by now and hopefully enjoyed its imperfection. Thks for giving it a go anyway. cheers, Allbert πŸ™‚


A Play with Words (posted on: 26-05-08)
.

A Play with Words -------------- I played with words but no-one played with me I studied birds then watched them fly from tree to tree As winter dawned I mulled in awe each rising of the sun till summer sighs as little strays rampaged through my kingdom... In search of space I travelled back in time; A cottage by a loch; some hills to climb Where ears could grow in peace and quiet and every breath was rarefied In search of space I travelled back in time... To play the fish to tuneless hum of "jaws" Watch nature flesh out treats and flash its claws Bear winters rapt in sunsets' afterglow In dreams, conjoin with Marilyn Monroe.
Archived comments for A Play with Words
e-griff on 26-05-2008
A Play with Words
it's fun, but I have to say the on/off rhyming puts me off. I'd say, either do it or don't but don't do a mixture. I didn't mind the change of lines length mid way

to illustrate, just in the first verse:

I played with words A
but no-one played with me B
I studied birds A
then watched them fly from tree to tree B

As winter dawned A
I mulled in awe each rising of the sun B
till summer sighs C
as little strays rampaged through my kingdom... B?

also 'kingdom' is placed wrongly in the metre (ie you have to say 'kingDOM')


Author's Reply:
Can't say the rhyming has ever bothered me, e-g. Usually I'd hold my hands up but in this case I'm happy. The rhyme is there all the way through and only at the very start is there one extra rhyme (words/birds).

Can't believe you won't let me off with the 'sun'/'kingdom' rhyme but I do agree that 'kingdom has to be read with 'dom' stressed and I know it is a bit iffy. BUT... it took me ages to work out how to get what i was trying to convey across in this stanza and to me their is something about stressing the 'dom' that makes me go funny all over. It moves me for some reason. Hopefully there are other daft gits who will bend their ears in harmony. :))

Ta very much for commenting. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 27-05-2008
A Play with Words
Gosh! No clever crit from me. Just enjoyed, Albert. I love nothing better than playing with words - especially crosswords to which I am almost addicted!

Tina;-)

Author's Reply:
Glad it entertinaed. Ouch... Albert :))

Sunken on 29-05-2008
A Play with Words
There are few who can compete with you when it comes to wordplay, Mr. Alber of Mund. Especially liked the opening lines.

s
u
n
k
e
n

intel 3 - cornflake 4

Author's Reply:
Thank you, fair sun of Ken, and if you're sitting comfortably, may I take this opportunity to apologise for leaving my finger in too long. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Tom B. Stone (doesn't lie here) (posted on: 19-05-08)
.

Tom B. Stone (doesn't lie here) I suffered fools gladly What you saw was sometimes what you got I never said much but when I did people listened to their iPods A mam's man I gave life my best shot... Sadly, missed ~ The gink is dead his ashes spread beyond this grave. He always dried his nick nacks in the microwave ~

Archived comments for Tom B. Stone (doesn't lie here)
delph_ambi on 19-05-2008
Tom B. Stone (doesnt lie here)
Had me snorting with laughter. Great stuff.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Great to hear that, delph. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 20-05-2008
Tom B. Stone (doesnt lie here)
'I never said much
but when I did
people listened
to their iPods '

I know the feeling. Top stuff, as ever, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

betamax 4 - dvd 4

Author's Reply:
Yeh... to one of your podcasts! cheers, S. Albert πŸ™‚

barenib on 22-05-2008
Tom B. Stone (doesnt lie here)
This reminds me a little of Spike Milligan's poems (read them if you haven't) funny with some wry wit thrown in for good measure (I love the 'sadly, missed' line). Enjoyable read - John.

Author's Reply:
I love his stuff, B.

"Green earrings I bought her
From Maori Shores.
When I returned she had gone
And taken her ears with her,"

Ta very much for great compliment. Albert πŸ™‚


Nasty Nick (posted on: 25-04-08)
.

Nasty Nick --------- He stared at me I stared at him He stared at me I stared at him He stared at me I stared at him "Ouch!" We'd cut ourselves staring.
Archived comments for Nasty Nick
littleditty on 25-04-2008
Nasty Nick
oo-la-la! i like - very neat - nasty nick, regards, nasty nicky :o) xx

Author's Reply:
ta vry mch, n2 πŸ˜‰

red-dragon on 25-04-2008
Nasty Nick
Then did you get plastered? (;-D)

Author's Reply:
Too bloody right! A :))

orangedream on 25-04-2008
Nasty Nick
This beats Burmese Climbing Rhymes, hands down, Albert!

Cheers!

Tina;-)





Author's Reply:
Heh! effing awful things - mind you Macjoyce did a wonderful poem claiming to follow these tedious rules about his bum. I should really favourite it. Thanks, albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 27-04-2008
Nasty Nick
Short and punchy, a bit like my mate. He'll do anything for Kitkat. He's currently stacking my groceries in alphabetical order. Nice one, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

her arse reminded him to get some polyfilla on the way home

Author's Reply:
My arse is useless at reminding me of stuff though it will do anything for a mars bar. Glad you liked, S. cheers albert πŸ™‚


His Master's Bit of Stuff (posted on: 21-04-08)
.

His Master's Bit of Stuff ---------------- She ruffled his head and asked him for a paw. He bit off her nose.
Archived comments for His Master's Bit of Stuff
orangedream on 21-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Short but not necessarily sweet, Albert;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:
But funny, non? Three cheers to you OD, Albert πŸ˜‰

orangedream on 21-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Short but not necessarily sweet, Albert;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:

orangedream on 21-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Short but not necessarily, sweet, dear Albert;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:

Ionicus on 22-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
So much for man's best friend! Short and to the point, Albert.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, I, from long and blunt Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 23-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
To be quite frank, Mr. Albermund, I think Ms. Orange is showing off with her triple formation critique display. Some of us struggle to do it once, never mind three times! I have attempted to add plumes of red smoke to my inane effort. I predict burnt fingers. Nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

somewhere over the sewer

Author's Reply:
I'm assuming a small boy has stolen your plumes, S, but thanks anyway. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 23-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Excellent. I never liked Jack Russells.

Author's Reply:
as post Jack Russell noses go I believe yours is a triumph, delph. thks and cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Macjoyce on 24-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Now then, Albaroonie, I know you're a haiku-hater, but have you deliberately made the second line one syllable too short? Is this an act of open defiance against Japanese-style poetry? One more syllable and you'd have a senryu (like a haiku but without reference to seasons). You rebel, you.



Author's Reply:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

discopants on 24-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
Couldn't help but laugh...

Author's Reply:
phew! I'm so glad someone did. cheers, dp. albert πŸ™‚

teifii on 25-04-2008
His Masters Bit of Stuff
I shall think of this every time I go upstairs and meet Dyfi Dog waiting with his paw extended in greeting. How am I to know what's going through his head?
Daff

Author's Reply:
I'd bite off his nose first, if I were you, T, just to show your masterfulness. A;)


Penny's Dropped (posted on: 04-04-08)
.

Penny's Dropped ------------ I've fallen out of like with you; no longer do I care to ride our cycles through the woods in search of teddy bears. I've fallen out of like with you; frustrated by your games of hockey in that little skirt blowing in the winds of change. We've fallen under witches' spells; thrown money into wishing wells; spent aeons collecting crabs and shells but now there's something I must tell I've fallen out of like with you; time to remove kid gloves. I've fallen out of like with you and landed up in love.
Archived comments for Penny's Dropped
Romany on 04-04-2008
Pennys Dropped
I really like this!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. cheers A πŸ™‚

Sunken on 06-04-2008
Pennys Dropped
Truth is often spoken in jest (so they tell me). I'm with Romany (like Littleditty a fews days ago, she's not happy that I'm so close. I don't know what's up with these ukanettes. Brut is surely a classy fragrance and no mistake?) Perhaps I should try Denim. Nice one, Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

his boxer shorts matched her curtains

Author's Reply:
I feel like I've interrupted your coitusi but thks for managing to fit me in. cheers, Albrt πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 06-04-2008
Pennys Dropped
This is a nice, rhythmic poem with a funny theme that works well.

Just a few points which might smooth the odd spot:

'blowing in the winds of change.' is a bit long - perhaps take out the 'the' , so it's: 'blowing in winds of change'.

We've fallen under witches' spells - technically needs the apostrophe.

spent aeons collecting crabs and shells - perhaps 'fetching' would work better, as the three-syllable 'collecting' sits awkwardly.

Enjoyed it.



Author's Reply:
Ta for your ideas, E-g. Will fix apostrophe. The blowing line was bugging me too but I'm unable to read it comfortably without the 'the' and am beginning to be able to cope with it as is. 'fetching' seems wrong but yet better rhythmically though I never really had a problem with 'collecting'. Have posted elsewhere and folk particularly seem to like the rhythm so I'm inclined just to leave things as they are. Glad you enjoyed. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

discopants on 06-04-2008
Pennys Dropped
Ah yes- liked this one a lot. He's stepping in to dangerous territory now!

Author's Reply:
Heh! You gotta feel sorry for the poor sod. Ta for commenting. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 14-05-2008
Pennys Dropped
The ending surprised me. I thought he was seething with ill-concealed frustration with an increasingly irritating girl, but then that's obviously the intent.

Verses two and four are fabaroonie.

It's almost a great poem and almost a fave for me. The only thing I don't like (apart from 'spells' not being at the end of the line, grrrr) is the first verse, which doesn't make much sense.

Firstly, why would there be teddy bears in the woods? Don't believe everything you hear in that picnic song. I don't think it works.

Secondly and crucially, if he's landed up in love with her, why doesn't he want to go cycling with her anymore? Surely that's exactly the kind of soppy thing lovers love to do together? Or is it all about the rogering now?




Author's Reply:
At that age love for me definitely about the three arse - rogering, rodgering and rod gering.
Teddy bears just daft in joke thing you'd have with a pal.
As for hells spells... I quite like as is but can see your point.

It's great getting some crit out of blue. Ta very much for bothering. Albert πŸ™‚


Short-sighted Relationship (posted on: 31-03-08)
.

Short-sighted Relationship ------------------- He looks in the mirror and he sees a handsome, hirsute sugar da dee He looks in the mirror that's what he sees ~ She looks in the mirror and she purrs a film star's staring back at her She looks in the mirror and she purrs ~ They look in mirror and they see as eyes peruse diagonally a blonde bimbo and a chimpanzee.
Archived comments for Short-sighted Relationship
Macjoyce on 31-03-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
Pardon? What? Eh?

Simple and effective poem, Albaroonington. Like it a lot.


Author's Reply:
"Albaroonington" - I like it a lot, but would it get me a game for Manu? Glad you enjoyed. cheers 'roonington:)

delph_ambi on 31-03-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
Love it. Made me chuckle.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, delph. That's what I want to hear. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

BaBy_PoeT on 31-03-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
hahaha lol and i bet there's a lot of them too lol.
very effective.
xx-bp-xx

Author's Reply:
Ta BP. Glad it gave you the guffaws. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 01-04-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
I particularly like this one, Albert. When I look in the mirror - not sure what I see!! Except, I gave up kidding myself years ago, I guess.

Enjoyed.

Tina;-)

Author's Reply:
Thanks, OD. I knew a girl once who was told by her shrink not to look in the mirror. I thought she looked great but it turned out she was a lesbian. Looking back I realise I have never really mastered the art of storytelling. rgds, Albert πŸ˜‰


Ionicus on 01-04-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, dear Albert, but perhaps we should wear magnifying glasses in order to see our real selves.

Author's Reply:
better still, I think all women we find attractive should wear magnifying glasses when viewing our real penises. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


e-griff on 01-04-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
I'm not particularly enamoured of this one. It seems to lack the degree of humour of much of your other work. Could be me.

At least change 'They look in mirror' ...

But I have a suggestion. This is a simple joke, so why not make it simpler - the repetitions I feel are too heavy for the substance they sandwich .

So why not cut out the third lines of the first two verses?

Then, intstead of 'they' why not use 'we' - it seems more appropriate - they are 'short-sighted', yes? We see them as they are ....

just a wee thought.


Author's Reply:
Hello e-g. Ta for having a go at trying to sort me out. I did hum and haw a bit about the third lines but I like the music and the leisurely pace when reciting. I would never change 'they' as the joke for me is how *they* see each other. How the world sees them just doesn't crack me up. Still, it would be interesting if other folk came to similar conclusions as you. cheers, Albert:)

Sunken on 01-04-2008
Short-sighted Relationship
But surely chimps are lovely? Another classy slab of Albermund. Forgive me if this comment is short. I am out of breath after a 'Kids from Fame' workout. I blame Leroy.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he blames leroy

Author's Reply:
You're right, S, they are lovely, but some have just too much dosh stuffed down their trousers. Makes them walk funny. (Like Leroy?) Thank you for your concern, rgds Albert:)



Pudding Face (posted on: 24-03-08)
.

Pudding Face ---------- Hippo chondric mega maudlin. Bulging skin embarrassed wobblin'. Turning heads, groans, sucks in belly. Dark eyes scream tears shed with sherry... sponge cake custard, jam bananas double cream hundreds and thousands Gobbled down like guzzly bear. Honeyed highs displace despair. Goes upstairs and fixes hair... Flabbertastic mega model. Bungee skin expounding wobble. Turning heads, grown men to jelly. Ice cream smile her cheeks straw berry.
Archived comments for Pudding Face
Macjoyce on 24-03-2008
Pudding Face
This poem is clearly about Nigella Lawson. She's a real woman, with cakey curves. If women like her were to be found on catwalks, instead of the anorexic twats we normally get, I might actually develop an interest in fashion.


Author's Reply:
She's a stick insect compared to my fantasaurus - and she licks her fingers too much... (I think?) ... or perhaps I'm confusing her with Colonel Jennifer Sanders? Ta for reading, chrs Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 24-03-2008
Pudding Face
Naw, Mac (Nigella), if that were true the first verese would end:

...Turning heads, groans,
sucks in belly.
Dark eyes scream
- She's on
the telly...

a creamy-sweet, fruitful poem IMO. πŸ™‚ best G

Author's Reply:
There's no flies on you, e-g. Glad you appreciated its creamy fruitful sweetyness. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 25-03-2008
Pudding Face
A sweet poem! Which has made me want something chocolate...


blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
I look forward to seeing your expounding wobble, J. thks, Albert πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 27-03-2008
Pudding Face
You are one of those people, Mr. Albermund, who doesn't have to put their name on their work. In other words, you are becomming your own genre. This can only be a good thang. I hope this yelps. Yelp. Nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

tidy

Author's Reply:
You are one of those people, Mr/Ms/Who's a pretty boy, Sunken, who doesn't have to put their name to their critique. In other words, you are becomming your own genre. This can only be a good thang. I hope this yelps. Yelp. Nice one matey. Woof!, sniff... lick, Albert ;)).


Um (posted on: 03-03-08)
.

Um --- I hate Um I loathe Um I despise Um If Um knocked on my door I'd say, "Get lost Um !!" If Hmmler knocked on my door I'd say, "What a relief ... thought you were Um!" Phew!
Archived comments for Um
orangedream on 03-03-2008
Um
And phew to you, Albert. Up to your old tricks again, I can see ... and thank goodness for it;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:
Thank you for being so understanding, OD. Stuff like this just can't be bottled up for ever. all the best, Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 04-03-2008
Um
Reminds me of that old joke:

"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Auntie."
"Auntie who?"
"Auntie you glad it's not Grandma?"



Author's Reply:
I hate unexpurgated Knock Knock jokes
I loathe unexprugated Knock Knock jokes
I despise unpexurgated KNock Knock jokes
If and unexgurgitated Knock Knock joke knock kcoked on my door
I'd say "get lost unexgutrelated Knock Knovk joke"!
If a Mammy Mammy I hate grannys guts jokeknocked lon my door
I'd say WEhat are,lief, just leave them at gthe side of your palate"



pehw1


πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 04-03-2008
Um
There's a lot of um about Mr. Albermund. I blame a lack of knowledge regarding contraception. Very Alberesque and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

tomorrow the bakery

Author's Reply:

Cheers, S and hope you are very happy with your new buns. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 05-03-2008
Um
Clever. I was going to point out that you'd left the 'i' out of 'Himmler,' then realised it was deliberate! I can be a bit slow sometimes.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, R. It's always good to know that my twiddley bits are being appreciated. rgds, albert πŸ™‚


Gossamer (posted on: 25-02-08)
.

Gossamer ---------- At school I was called all kinds of names:- Long streak of piss Parrot face ET Snork Was regularly spat at routinely demoralized Started skipping mornings then days through depression Eventually gave up teaching altogether My bottle had gone and the bottle was my only consolation Signed up for therapy got in touch with my aggression (had to find another therapist) The boys did their best to keep me informed of what their friends thought of me They even wrote a poem on my birthday - "Daddy we love you though you smell funny. Why have you slashed our pocket money?" Loved the rhyme and rhythm but had begun to hate the little buggers how they'd favour their mummy side with their mummy laugh with their mummy and then... they were running to mummy like the wind, to mummy pants on fire, to mummy (long dormant assertiveness had fully kicked in) Their mummy ran to meet them (as had my true sexuality) Noses were red Violet so blue It was Valentines Day when the kids walked out and took the wife.
Archived comments for Gossamer
Slovitt on 25-02-2008
Gossamer
Albermund: As with your other pieces, a real facility with language, and a light wit that belies the tears in its eyes. Assuming some factualness at its base, deftly, and engagingly done. Swep

Author's Reply:
Nice compliment, S, Ta very much. Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 25-02-2008
Gossamer
Some surprising contradictions and turnarounds here. Amusingly written too,

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thks, R. Glad you got to the bottom of this still smiling. cheers, Albert:)

Sunken on 26-02-2008
Gossamer
Loved this Mr. Albermund. You are quietly brilliant, just as a star should be. I hope this helps.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he wonders if love is optional

Author's Reply:
It may not help, S, but my hole doesn't feel so black any more. cheers very much, Albert:)

delph_ambi on 26-02-2008
Gossamer
A sad tale very well told. Extremely powerful piece of writing.

Author's Reply:
It took plenty sorting out, delph, so it's grand to know it was worth it. Thks a lot, cheers, albert:)

Macjoyce on 27-02-2008
Gossamer
An engaging and slightly ambiguous poem. So, the teacher comes out of the closet, am I right? The literal meaning of "true sexuality" is the only one I can glean, so I imagine that his newfound homosexuality is what destroys everything.

Why's it called 'Gossamer'?



Author's Reply:
Yep, something like that. Twas final straw I reckon. Gossamer seemed just right as regards his fragility and stature + shape of this poem. Glad it engaged, cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Archimedes (posted on: 22-02-08)
.

Archimedes -------- Archimedes in his bath washed his face and then his arse. Clipped his toes, shaved his feet dozed off in the steaming heat. Dreamt of screws and senioritas... Shot upright and gushed "Ulrika!"
Archived comments for Archimedes
Romany on 22-02-2008
Archimedes
God! She wasn't about and at it even then was she? Was Archimedes a footballer?

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Time travel was a dawdle once she'd heard about his big eureka. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 23-02-2008
Archimedes
I read this on Thursday but didn't get time to comment. It still makes me laugh. I think I even like it more than crumpets. I hope this helps.

s
u
n
k
e
n

reluctance has nothing on despair

Author's Reply:
"Thursday"? Are you Sunken the Seer? Whatever, I've just drunken the beerer and am feeling lots more positive and put away the potato gun. Much appreciate your crumpet voluntary. cheers, albert πŸ™‚


El Sid (posted on: 15-02-08)
.

El Sid ----- He steigered (ouch!) into the heat of the night; red veined, in the sunset of his life. No one saw him no one held him tight as he crashed down through the sunset of his life and lay there, still: The son, the father and wholly gross, drunk uncle and brother, the mother of all braggadocios. And the stars looked down their noses, and the moon was full of cheese and tomorrow will start with mourning ... but not a lot.
Archived comments for El Sid
Sunken on 16-02-2008
El Sid
No comments! Wtf is going on!? I loved this. Very clever (as usual - you make me sick). Especially liked -

The son, the father
and wholly gross, drunk

You're a class act Mr. Albermund. I'd hang around, but I have ready brek on the go. Yeah, I can be classy too (-;

s
u
n
k
e
n

come as you are - thanks Kurt

Author's Reply:
Glad you enjoyed, Sunks. Had a lot's of fun doing this one. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 17-02-2008
El Sid
I like this too, and the lines that Sunky picked out stood out for me as well. This deserves more comments.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, R. Good to see you around again. cheers, albert πŸ™‚


Three Cheers for Hollywood (posted on: 18-01-08)
.

Three Cheers for Hollywood ----------------- Olι olι for 'ollywood When Jayne bust out and seed would spill Whilst Errol swished with magnitude Olι olι for 'ollywood Where love for Marilyn accrued as Woody Peckered like a drill Olι olι for 'ollywood When Jayne bust out and seed would spill.
Archived comments for Three Cheers for Hollywood
delph_ambi on 18-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
Beautifully subersive triolet. Clever and funny.

Author's Reply:
Ta delph. Have had a lot of fun since you introduced me to these little blighters. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 18-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
A perfect triolet! Hooray! rhyme and metre absolutely spot on.

And good fun content, too! What more do you need?

Author's Reply:
Cheers, e-g, delighted it got through quality control with flying colours. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

red-dragon on 18-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
Clever as always, Albert! Deceptively simple, as they say. Ann

Author's Reply:
and it's simply delectable to hear from you again, Ann. THks and cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 19-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
Very clever stuff Mr. Albert. We've come to expect little else. How do I get the song out of my head tho?

s
u
n
k
e
n

hooray for Albermund...

Author's Reply:
Have you tried sticking the new twin-nozzled Dyson up yer snotter? Good luck and thank you for everything. adios, Albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 19-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
nice cheeky little triolet well done. Val

Author's Reply:
Glad you like, B. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Sooz on 19-01-2008
Three Cheers for Hollywood
How odd, the last three or four pieces that I've read have ben forms of the rigid structured poetry. Have I missed a sudden craze? If I ever knew, then I've completely forgotten the rules of a triolet but it read very well to me. Another tough one to write. Well done.

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, S. Do very little form poetry but delphi got me hooked on this style by a real cute one of her own: -
http://www.ukauthors.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18805
cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Arsony? (posted on: 04-01-08)
.

Arsony? ------ DELL, suddenly, in the conservatory, whilst downloading 'Some Like it Hot Hot HOT!'. Inspiron 'Dingly' Dell, whose demise leaves a hole the size of my heart. A Private and premature cremation. No flowers, please, but donations, in lieu, would be gladly receive by the Dodgy Batterseas Home.
Archived comments for Arsony?
Sunken on 05-01-2008
Arsony?
Lol. I need some of what you're on Mr. Albermund. Love this bit -

Inspiron 'Dingly' Dell, whose
demise leaves a hole the
size of my heart.


s
u
n
k
e
n

he struggles with subtraction

Author's Reply:
I liked that bit too, S. Should probably have surrounded it with different words but then I wouldn't have understood the poem. Guess I'm just a selfish sausage. all the best, and thanks for delving. Albert πŸ™‚


So touches me (posted on: 28-12-07)
.

So touches me ------------- Every day the robin comes and I say "Hi" stretch out my hand and feed it crumbs and as it touches me I think of you how you would come and we'd fly high come hail or sun the thought of you so touches me Every day the postman comes and I say "Hi" stretch out my hand and search for crumbs
Archived comments for So touches me
Sunken on 28-12-2007
So touches me
Hello Mr. Albermund. Are the robins really that tame in your neck o the woods? I have a bit of a bird phobia to be frank. The feathered variety I mean... though actually... now I think about it... I must stop thinking. That should be my new year's resolution. What was I on about? If in doubt make a quick exi..

s
u
n
k
e
n

she highlighted his name, buttoned her coat and hit 'delete'


Author's Reply:
If you persevere enough the little blighters cave in, S! Happy New Year, Albert πŸ™‚

littleditty on 28-12-2007
So touches me
Crumbs are good, liked this one Albermund - i was visited yesterday by a cheeky dove who is known as meral -she wanted a hobnob - she made me feel happy, priceless -what am i talking about??? liked your poem πŸ™‚ xxldx

Author's Reply:
Simple pleasures eh, ld. Wonderful. Ta for commenting and a Happy New Year. Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 29-12-2007
So touches me
Really liked this one. You used the metaphor well. Happy Holidays!

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Glad you appreciated, J, and hope you had plenty fun. Happy New Year, Albert πŸ™‚


Santa Pulls A Sickie (posted on: 17-12-07)
.

Santa Pulls A Sickie ------------------- Skimming through the starlight Santa's sprawled with legs outspread whilst kiddies, long forgotten lie expectant in their beds Soaring with a stiffy heading home with bulging sacks he's swapped his toys for Mary Jane viagra, coke and crack.
Archived comments for Santa Pulls A Sickie
littleditty on 17-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
LOL!!! oh HOHOHO....HAHahHAhhaha -------->
SAD πŸ™

The state of fatherhood today? Whatever, this was funny, very, and very not - i think itΒ΄s brilliant πŸ™‚ xxldx

Author's Reply:
HAH! good one, ld. Much appreciate your enthusiasm for bad santa. cheesr, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 17-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
Ditto and some!

'Ere - you ain't 'alf awful, Albert ... but I like you!

;-)xTina

Author's Reply:
HOpe you didn't get too ditto over Xmas, OD. I agree, Dick's the business - cheers and ta, Clunkbert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 17-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
Lol, Nice one Mr. Albermund. Long may your sack bulge.

s
u
n
k
e
n

tomorrow the hospital

Author's Reply:
I do my best on one testicle, S, and am thankful for its bulgyness but your support is still much welcome. all the best, albert πŸ™‚

discopants on 18-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
He's got to let his hair down sometimes hasn't he? Nice one.

Author's Reply:
Am just surprised he didn't crack sooner. Glad you liked, d. cheers, albert

Corin on 19-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
Our Mary Jane was on one
She knew a trick or two
When Santa was stuck up her chimney
She came down the chimney too!

Author's Reply:
Hah! Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 19-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
You’ve given me an awful idea for a Christmas prank, which involves putting Viagra in the Christmas pudding, and watching the boys in my family walk round with stiffies until Boxing Day. I really wish I hadn’t thought of that. My nephew is eleven. When I was his age, I never stopped wanking. Old habits die hard...

Author's Reply:
Heh! Xmas wouldn't be Xmas without Uncle Pervybastard. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 19-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
LOL! Very amusing, Albert.

Author's Reply:
Thank,I. Glad you got a larf. Cheer Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 21-12-2007
Santa Pulls A Sickie
hahaha! Brilliant!

Author's Reply:
Good to have you bucking me up again, delph. Ta very much, Albert πŸ™‚


The Wise Guys (posted on: 14-12-07)
*

The Wise Guys ----------- the newborn babe clocked Frankincense sat bolt upright then filled with myrrth. and in that monster magi moment they were sure, and did arise and leave the sum of gold.
Archived comments for The Wise Guys
e-griff on 14-12-2007
The Wise Guys
merry sunny rime at Christmas

Author's Reply:
same to you with bells on, e-g. albert;)

Sunken on 14-12-2007
The Wise Guys
They should have gone to Argos Mr. Albermund. There are some right good deals on kiddies toys this year and no mistake. Isn't it a lovely evening? Cold I grant you, but lovely all the same. Nice one Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

it soon dawned on her that his parents were shadows

Author's Reply:
They probably did and he was out xmas shopping or on the bog. Cheers for dropping in with your goodies, S. Happy Xmas, Albert πŸ™‚


Masterpiece (posted on: 30-11-07)
.

Masterpiece ----------- They's jawr and jostle "oohs" and "aaaaah" Some's move up close Some's stands back fah Through halfs close eyes they's coo and cluck and I's just wonders "wut the fuk".
Archived comments for Masterpiece
e-griff on 30-11-2007
Masterpiece
a funny wee rhyme at the core, but I had little sympathy with the attempted 'accent'. Why is it there? It doesn't add to the poem in any way, simply annoys.

Author's Reply:
Always good to hear from you, e-g. Can quite understand the problem you have with this. Unfortunately a pesky voice in my head got me diddling and I've ended up with something that for me transforms a pretty mundane piece into something musical and oomphy. Accent wise it's a complete mish mash and I'm sure will piss off many more than it will piss on. But what the heck, I'm hooked. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 02-12-2007
Masterpiece
What language is that, Albo? Oh, what the hell, dialect is good, even if you’ve made it up. Be’s it about a fireworks display?

Author's Reply:
No particular dialect. MJ. See my reply to e-g. I like your fireworks idea - was this because of the half closed eyes? (like what arty types do when trying to plumb hidden depth of pictures - never really works for me - probably not farty enough.) Anyways it's just me stood trying to work out the greatness of some artistic masterpiece and feeling like daffy duck. Ta for giving it a go. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 08-12-2007
Masterpiece
Ah, I see, it's actually literally about a masterpiece. Sorry, I wasn't paying enough attention to the title. I often do that. I know now that titles are big news for you, hence the boldness of typefaceness.

It was the oohing and aaaaahing that made me think of fireworks displays. That's what folk do, intit?


Author's Reply:


A Funod Poem about a beard (posted on: 26-11-07)
.

A Funod Poem about a beard ---------------------- Shaved off my beard felt good younger fresher somewhat foxy but menfolk now howl at my door and I am filled with foreboding. Already I've started to grow it back. - Virginia W.
Archived comments for A Funod Poem about a beard
littleditty on 26-11-2007
A Funod Poem about a beard
really? by her? i love her even more then! πŸ˜€ xxldx

Author's Reply:
I love that I've enhanced your love for her. cheers Albert:)

Sunken on 27-11-2007
A Funod Poem about a beard


Hello Mr. Albermund. Good to see you back on planet uka, beard or no beard.

s
u
n
k
e
n

she broke his fall with steely glare

Author's Reply:
Thank you kindly, S. Delighted not to have crash landed. Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 27-11-2007
A Funod Poem about a beard
Hi Albert. It doesn't matter if it is Found or Funod, I like it.

Luigi.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for being so understanding, L. rgds Ablert πŸ˜‰

orangedream on 27-11-2007
A Funod Poem about a beard
Another one of your gems, Albert. Keep em coming!

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, OD. Will do me best. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


It's a right pisser when this happens (posted on: 19-10-07)
.

It's a right pisser when this happens --------------------- She knew my eyes long followed her around the room She did not care, she did not miss one tango step And though my eyes grew weary as they danced in time She never met my stare, for she was cruel and she was kind.
Archived comments for It's a right pisser when this happens
e-griff on 19-10-2007
Its a right pisser when this happens
abso - lutely on the button! πŸ™‚

*made me smile and sit up*

best G

Author's Reply:
Heh! So like you're lying there with your laptop on your tum, e-g! Good to hear from you and thanks, Albert πŸ™‚


Hunk Hansom (posted on: 15-10-07)
.

Hunk Hansom ----------- She loved Hunk Hansom from deep behind her glasses, spots braces, nOse and IKEA chest. Had he seen her through the forests of flushed flesh that pawed and pressed gyrated undressed she would not have impressed. He loved Hunk Hansom deeply from before all known reflective surfaces; primping preening, honing toning, pre pouncing pawing, pumping creaming ... churning She married Larry lambed, then dowdy Dilly dallied, disappeared down nappy valley green cross eyes no longer starry years becalmed almost embalmed tried to self harm then out the blue a small son shone; texted TV quiz with her cell phone the prize, to die for an extreme makeover He lost She won resculpted mum went on the run to blaring horns desperate for fun no longer shy heels hard-on high attracting cocks like magnetic fox till bum was numb her time had come and had Hunk honked and had she heard through the forests of flushed flesh who groaned and pressed gyrated undressed he might still have impressed but really... fuck 'em both.
Archived comments for Hunk Hansom
expat on 15-10-2007
Hunk Hansom
I'm no poet but I can appreciate the art of wordplay. This a very clever and well-assembled piece.
Nice work!
:^-)

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, xp. Glad it worked for you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 18-10-2007
Hunk Hansom
Fine writing with a serious edge that works well. We all know people like these two. Fuck 'em both, as the narrator wisely concludes.

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, Delph. Real glad you appreciated. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Purrannoyed (posted on: 12-10-07)
.

Purrannoyed --------- If dogs and cats could speak they wouldn't last a week in my house. But if they could hoover and manoeuvre dust from nooks and crannies, cook and clear the dishes, keep their fannies clean and do not blether or make cracks behind my back then I might try them on a months probation perhaps.
Archived comments for Purrannoyed
delph_ambi on 13-10-2007
Purrannoyed
Haha! Yes, exactly. I've never had a dog or cat in my house, and never intend to.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting, delph, but I gotta admit I like the little blighters. It's just that if I could ever understand what is going on in their heads I'm sure they'd become little buggers! cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 14-10-2007
Purrannoyed
Are you suggesting that women are so annoying, they're enough to turn a man to bestiality?

Hmmm.


Author's Reply:
Nah! Bestiality!!!!! bladdyhell... what ave I done wot av I dun!

I just get purrannoyed at the thought of overhearing dogs and/or cats talking about me behind my back. What were lovely little cuddly wuddly fluffily wuffily things might/would suddenly/probably become snidy little monsters who thought I stroked like a tosser or suchlike and my feet/lap smelt of dead hedgehogs.

On the other hand if they could give good housework and kept their gobs shut then what the heck, they'd be cheap.

cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 14-10-2007
Purrannoyed
One of my friends is into bestiality... at least I think he is judging by his new girlfriend. Meooowww.... Nice one Albermund and no mistake.

Rate: Cream eggs and potato chips.

s
u
n
k
e
n

last seen regressing back to a time when everything was happy in the britney camp

Author's Reply:
Yep, S, I just couldn't fart around any more waiting for bestiality workshop. thanks & cheers Albert;)

Macjoyce on 14-10-2007
Purrannoyed
Did I then get the wrong end of the stick?

Only it does/can look like you're saying that you would be annoyed by animals doing what women do (i.e. talk), but would be happier if animals did what women "ought" to do (i.e. cooking, hoovering, tidying, keeping their fannies clean). It's the fannies thing that leads me straight to bestiality.

Are you American?

I always assumed you were British, but I have noticed you use Americanisms from time to time, and if you're using 'fanny' to mean 'arse', then this would explain everything. Why would you want a dog to keep its vagina clean?


Author's Reply:
Purrannoyed = paranoid
Fanny = arse
Me = Scotch git

Wrong end of stick = Definitely.

I was hoping the title and the first three lines said it all.

It would appear that you're not alone in your bafflement.
Thanks for letting me know.

cheers Albert:)

Macjoyce on 15-10-2007
Purrannoyed
Do Scots say fanny to mean arse? This is very odd. In England a fanny is very much a vadge.


Author's Reply:
It's not a word you hear much in these parts, MJ, and one I rarely use. Having worked a while with merkans in the big smoke I'm contaminated up to arsepits and it just slipped out and sounded cute. A πŸ™‚

teifii on 18-10-2007
Purrannoyed
Just stumbled on this and it really tickled me. Read it to my dogs [with whom I regularly converse] and they said it was best to leave you in ignorance.
Might I suggest that
and do not
blether
doesn't need the 'do', grammatically speaking.
Please excuse me but I can't help it sometimes [going all grammatical, I mean].
Daff
PS
The collies also said that their job is not to hoover but to add enough hair and bits to make the hoovering worthwhile.

Author's Reply:
Delighted your doggies have a sense of humour, T. As regards the 'do' - you're probably right but at the moment I like the rhythm it gives. Perhaps at a future date I will come back to this and realise what a tit I've been. Anyways, wobbles to your collies and happy stumbling. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


The Man who invented Cats ... (posted on: 14-09-07)
.

The Man who invented Cats ... ------------------- Percy Shaw invented cats eyes patented in '35 a brit true Yorkshire grit whose road reflectors cleaned themselves and swept the globe whilst saving lives of countless motorists. Sinatra rich he lived to eighty six yet never had a car pet in his house and when time came to face the final curtain he had to improvise.
Archived comments for The Man who invented Cats ...
admin on 14-09-2007
The Man who invented Cats ...
I was sufficiently intrigued by this to look up the Shaw chappie. What a card!

Didn't get the bit about the car
pet
either, until I read the article.

Oh, here's the article, almost forgot...

www.designmuseum.org



Fascinating!

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 14-09-2007
The Man who invented Cats ...
Hello Mr. Albermund. I saw a programme on those cats eyes once. They are cleverer than they first appear. When a car runs over one it is pressed down into its rubber holder and then released. This action makes it self-cleaning. The design has hardly changed for many many years. A true classic, like cheese graters. Nice one Mr. Albermund.

Now, this week's rating blurb -

Today I am using a system of rating originally made famous by 80’s pop strumpet, Ms. Cindy Lauper. Wiser than she would have us believe, Ms. Lauper, sensing that her career was in free-fall, spent most of the nineties producing vats of tanning lotions for her new shop, β€˜Girls just wanna have sun.’ Dispensing with the β€˜Factor’ ratings of old, Cindy proceeded to label her products using a peculiar code that, when solved, can be used to either, A: Save the planet or, B: Enliven a lackluster dinner party. Thank you.

Rate: loveless in purgatory x 5 / tom hanks

s
u
n
k
e
n

it's a shame about saturn

Author's Reply:
It must be exhausting reading one of your comments, S, and one day, I fully intend to try. Thank you in anticipation. rgds Albert πŸ™‚ PS This reply was a Carlsberg Special Brew production and and not quite as hilariously inoffensive as it seemed at the time. I blame Gordon Brown for continuing to allow such poison into the country to wreak its havoc. humbly Albert πŸ™

delph_ambi on 14-09-2007
The Man who invented Cats ...
Love the line breaks. πŸ™‚
Nice piece of design history here. Fun poem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, delph. Amazing geezer, glad you appreciated. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 15-09-2007
The Man who invented Cats ...
remember seeing him (Percy Shaw) interviewed when still alive. Lived a relatively simple life, crate of beer on the floor by his armchair, and three televisions (one for each channel at the time) all on.

Author's Reply:
Ta for the info, e-g. cheers, Albert


Story (posted on: 10-09-07)
.

Story ------ Today I helped an old lady across the road. Not that I went across the road to help her No! I just grabbed her arm and we stepped off the kerb she was muttering something that sounded absurd the cars were all honking as she dragged her heels when I jollied her on she burst into tears and blubbed that her heart was terribly frail, and that Ronald, her youngest, had just gone to jail then she dropped to the ground with a panic attack and all I could do was just drag her on back. I left her gratefully re-united with a grumpy old gentleman and went home to an empty house that was full of furniture. Yesterday my wife ran off with the man across the road. But that's another poem.
Archived comments for Story
Sunken on 10-09-2007
Story
Lol. Love the ending (I must stop saying that). So will you be posting the 'other' story Mr. Albermund?

Rate: Life size inflatable replica of canary dwarf.

s
u
n
k
e
n

the childproof cap was the final straw

Author's Reply:
Glad you found some humour amongst the wreckage, S. rgds, Albert. PS re "other story", please don't hold your canary's breasts.

Macjoyce on 11-09-2007
Story
So, the moral is, don’t cross roads. And don’t let anyone else cross one either. If you see anyone attempting to cross a road, rugby-tackle them back onto the pavement before they blub or commit adultery.

Drag her on HER back, I think you’ll find.

Good poem, Albington. I found it nice.


Author's Reply:
Thanks for reading and contemplating, Mr T. cheers Albert. PS No chickens were harmed in the making of this poem.

royrodel on 11-09-2007
Story
Yeah who know's what they mean afterall
twisted words for your affection
do you see what I see in the reflection

RODEL

Author's Reply:
Good to here from someone new (not that you are new to UKA, No!). Ta for your thoughts, RR. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚



Haikups (posted on: 07-09-07)
.

Haikups ------- Trying drink water from opposite side glasses: Akuri Ouskure.
Archived comments for Haikups
Jolen on 07-09-2007
Haikups
LOL! You are a nut, but a clever one...

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta for being so understanding, J. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 07-09-2007
Haikups
Hello Mr. Albermund. I must admit to being too thick to get this. I shall do some googling later. I like to spend my evening having a good google.

Rate: Lemon curd.

s
u
n
k
e
n

head and smolders

Author's Reply:
I don't believe yoo're thick, S. Pleasantly plump, possibly, and even then I'm probably over-egging your pudding. Safe googling. cheers, Albert:)

e-griff on 09-09-2007
Haikups
well, I don't understand the final line, so pretty well lost on this one. ... Does anyone?

Author's Reply:
It's really not that diffikult, e-g, especially if read aloud with no punktuation. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


woodbine on 09-09-2007
Haikups
Observe ice water
spilling down your underpants,
displacing Haikups.

Yours is better. Mine is a dog's breakfast.
John


Author's Reply:
I would have preferred the whereabouts of my haikups to remain secreted, W, but what the heck, one has to plough on. Glad it inspired, cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 09-09-2007
Haikups
oh, poo! - I say Akuri with a short 'u' as in japanese.

anyway, did you know Akuri is a spicy scrambled eggs in the Parsi tradition?

Author's Reply:
Heh, I can just imagine Parsi Hilton having a go at making Akuri! Anyways, glad you inquired and that you got there in the end. Am still waiting for someone to fully decode Jumbo BTW. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Paper Doll (posted on: 31-08-07)
*with oddio*

Paper Doll -------- As rocking Robin scanned completely canned she scrawled into his view; a siren swathed in biro blue poetic chimes as their eyes rhymed with perfect feet she danced her lines entranced enhanced the more he drank them in... the beat of the night the heat of the beat of the night more beers and she bedded just right and in the morning when she sucked he scrunched her up slam dunked her in the trash.
Archived comments for Paper Doll
Kat on 31-08-2007
Paper Doll
I think this is skilfully written, and very sad.

Kat

Author's Reply:
Too true, K. I've written some pretty iffy stuff when boozed up πŸ™‚ Ta very much for responding. rgds Albert

Jolen on 01-09-2007
Paper Doll
Oh man, what a way to treat a one nighter, eh? lol Clever, very short, crisp lines which make it all the more powerful to me.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
I love your incongruous blessings, J. Glad you got a kick out of this. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 01-09-2007
Paper Doll
Incongruous? I resemble that remark! How the hell are you, Albert?

Jolen

Author's Reply:
Heh! Should have put quotes round blessings. What I meant was your "blessings" sign off always conjures up for me a kindly, fragile elderly lady who might possibly faint at the first sight of "bloody". πŸ™‚

Jolen on 03-09-2007
Paper Doll
*faints* After the team of well built, ever so capable paramedics revive me, while still a bit out of sorts, I manage to stammer, "who said that awful word?" πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
lol, all the blest, Alblert πŸ™‚


Choosing my first Hat (Part 53) (posted on: 24-08-07)
.

Choosing my first Hat (Part 53) ----------------------- Tried one on; looked horrible. Took it off; looked great. Tried another; looked great. Took it off; looked horrible. Tried one more; looked quirky. Took it off; looked quirkier. Finally found one; looked sensational. Took it off; resolved to kill myself.
Archived comments for Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Rupe on 24-08-2007
Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I've often thought about getting a hat, what with going slightly bald and all, but whenever I try them on there's some freak staring back at me in the mirror...

Repetition of 'great' and 'horrible' works really well here, and the 'quirky' part stops it getting repetitive. Very neat, thought-provoking too.

Rupe

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R, for encouraging comments. I actually bought a cowboy type, one size fits all, straw hat a few months ago whilst on a bit of a high. I have since worn it several times in my bedroom.and occasionally, on visits to the bathroom. Good luck with finding something appropriate for yourself. Rgds The Albermund Kid. πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 24-08-2007
Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Elegant and witty. Fun poem.

Author's Reply:
Ta, Delph. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 24-08-2007
Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Hello Mr. Albermund. Ya know, I can't wear hats 'cause my head is a bit small. Honestly, they just don't look right on me. I guess i should be grateful though. I have a friend who can't wear hats because his ears are lop-sided and said head-wear just highlight the fact. He can't wear glasses either. I think you'll agree, useless comment and no mistake. Witty as ever -The poem I mean, definitely not the comment.

Today I am using a system of rating previously made famous by 70’s disco diva Donna Summer of ’I feel love’ fame. Ms. Summer now manages a small, but highly successful, toy store in Outer Mongolia. Noting the need for a more accurate way of rating the items found on sale in said store has led to the following internationally recognised system of appraisal.

Rate: Battleships

s
u
n
k
e
n

well done, medium, rare or just slightly concussed sir?

Author's Reply:
Excellent material for (Part 54) , S, and another tip top piece of commentatory, but isn't about time you got off your arse and updated her Wikipedia entry? I shall go and await now. rgds, Albert

Kat on 24-08-2007
Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Albertesque! Loved it!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
"Albertesque!" Loved it!

;))

woodbine on 27-08-2007
Choosing my first Hat (Part 53)
Made me laff, which is no mean thing but welcome.

John

Author's Reply:
Cheers, W. Albert:)


Back in the OL'UK (posted on: 13-08-07)
.

Back in the OL'UK --------------- When The Beatles conquered America I was proud to be British. But The Stones were my heroes; they never conquered my parents.
Archived comments for Back in the OL'UK
Sunken on 13-08-2007
Back in the OLUK
Hello Mr. Albermund. I was proud to be British when Bucks Fizz won Eurovision. It's not quite in the same league I know, but none of the Beatles or the Stones could look that good in skirts? Top stuff, as ever.

For one week only, I am using a system of grading that was made popular by Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz fame. Thanks.

Rate: Dishwasher (with fast rinse option)

s
u
n
k
e
n

but her heart was missing a beat

Author's Reply:
That's the best potty rating I've had for ages, S. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 14-08-2007
Back in the OLUK
Oh, you never know. That Mick Jagger may very well have conquered both of them. He's a sly bastard.



Author's Reply:
H eh!


Ouch! (posted on: 10-08-07)
.

Ouch! --- Back's out like Methuselah walking his tortoise.
Archived comments for Ouch!
Sunken on 10-08-2007
Ouch!
Hello Mr. Albermund. Tortoises are very badly designed if you ask me. All you have to do to kill one is turn it upside down. Not that I kill tortoises you understand. In fact, I'm not sure if you can still buy them these days? Wasn't there some tortoise law passed? Anyway, nice piece. I am rating via biscuits today. Fancy a custard cream?
Rate: Custard Cream

s
u
n
k
e
n

we are so fragile

Author's Reply:
I suppose you remember the olden times when mature tortoises were supposed to have thrown petticoat tails at Elvis. If only he'd thought of turning them upsides down. Ta for info and for stopping by, S. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 10-08-2007
Ouch!
How do you think these up? (<-- rhetorical question).

Brilliant.

Only mystery is why the site thinks it's five words. Odd, that.

Author's Reply:
It says 5 on the inside and 6 on the outside. Weird but what the heck I reckon it might be possible to right areal humdinger with absolutely no words whatsoever. Glad you cottoned on to this. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 10-08-2007
Ouch!
cute! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks, e-g, cheers, Albert:)

Macjoyce on 11-08-2007
Ouch!

Eh?


Author's Reply:
It's no use, MJ, there's no way you're going to sweet talk me into commenting on that effing poem of yours. sincerely, Albert.

Gerry on 11-08-2007
Ouch!
Should that really be back's ? Only Methuselah let you get away with this lol.

Gerry.

Author's Reply:
Ta for commenting, G, but I'm a bit floundered. Can you expound a bittie so's I can get back and bite yer head off. rgds Albert πŸ˜‰

Jolen on 12-08-2007
Ouch!
Oh sweet misery, at last I've found you... LOL

hi there, I hope this finds you well. (by the way, the above is a play on 'sweet mystery' from Young Frankenstein)

Good to see you're doing some humor.
blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Glad you were with me on the funny side, J. all the best, Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 13-08-2007
Ouch!
I'm not asking you to comment on my effing poem. People have actually started doing it now, so ner.

I just honestly didn't understand this poem. Who's Methuselah, for a start? Is he in the Bible? I've only read the Bible backwards and I'm not sure if I remember a Halesuhtem.

Incidentally, I still think "Eh?" is a more useful comment than just saying "Blimey, that's good." It's got you questioing things, hasn't it?



Author's Reply:
Just assumed you were pissing about, MJ. Your "Eh?" was awful lonesome and I am bejiggered to find you've never before come across this old geezer. I thought he was up there with George Best and Pinocchio. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚
PS why didn't you just google?
PPS Hah! have just googled GB and Meth - 1,090,000 links for both!

Macjoyce on 18-08-2007
Ouch!
Why didn't I google? Because I'm a lazy sod who couldn't be bothered to read about anything Biblical, and just wanted you to tell me instead.

Ok, so he lived to be 969. I suppose I should have remembered that figure seeing as I was reading the Bible backwards.

So your back is out like that of an extremely old man. Why? What have you been doing?


Author's Reply:
Why is irrelephant unlike the tortoise. (Question mark deliberately omitted as I don't know the answer and can't be bothered to google.)

Macjoyce on 20-08-2007
Ouch!
I don't see the relevance of the tortoise at all. Is your back like the old man's back, or the tortoise's back, or both backs?

My brain is out
Like David Beckham
Watching Big Brother


Author's Reply:
MJ - I'm very happy for your mind to whirl differently to mine - it's probably best that it does. I will be out of my orifice for the next few days but hopefully, on my return, we shan't still be talking tortoise. rgds Albert


The Poet Laurie Ate (posted on: 03-08-07)
.

The Poet Laurie Ate ---------------- Transmogrified by full moon light he ate a poet; erudite. Now he composes odes all night and every morning shovels shite.
Archived comments for The Poet Laurie Ate
Rupe on 03-08-2007
The Poet Laurie Ate
Had to go and look up 'transmogrify'. It didn't mean being changed into a cat. Nice sharp composition.

Author's Reply:
Ha! Good one, R. Thks for commenting. cheers, Albert

Romany on 03-08-2007
The Poet Laurie Ate
Haha - love it!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Glad I caught you with this one, R. Thks for commenting, cheers, Albert.

discopants on 04-08-2007
The Poet Laurie Ate
Isn't 'shite' so much more expressive than 'shit'? Good one.

Author's Reply:
Heh! and arse just kicks ass! Thanks for the laugh, D. cheers, Albert

delph_ambi on 04-08-2007
The Poet Laurie Ate
Excellent. Brilliant title, and a punchline that had me laughing out loud.

Author's Reply:
Nice one delph. Cheers me up no end to hear that. rgds, albert

Sunken on 04-08-2007
The Poet Laurie Ate
You have introduced me to another new word that I will no doubt forget shortly. Such is the plight of the... I forget what the condition is called. Nice one and no mistake Mr. Albermund. Have a cherry flavoured ten.
Rate: 10

s
u
n
k
e
n

roses are red, but she didn't care

Author's Reply:
Yep, S, I'm rather discombobulobulated as two where they're all coming from. Cherry flavour was perfect. thks a lot and for kind words, Albert


Jumbo (posted on: 30-07-07)
.

Jumbo ----- The package arrived at nine twenty five in the morning still yawning, Jumbo filled with foreboding. It was his first pair of spectacles. He'd lumbered for hours when he could have smelled flowers, on a mission for vision through blurry frustration from optician's to optician's till he'd made his decision ... Wrap-a-round shades in untrampable polycarbonate. To be forwarded on completion of special enhancements to accommodate his rugged features. As the moment of truth now pierced his complexion dorkness set in on reflection. When he finally emerged from the long grass it was with heavy heart and legs like tree trunks. His friends had all herded; their stares minimized. As he shrunk up beside them there were tears in his eyes. Then Dumbo said "hey, you look quite like great Bono!" "You two could be brothers" chimed Chumbo and Chomo and when Nelly squealed like he was the 'real thing', from slumped to pumped Jumbo started to sing ... "Shades ... I got new shades. Babes ... I got new ... " Cherma, his mother, broke off from her chores; face lifted to the sound of the one she adored. With a sigh of relief she exhaled, "Ahh... men!" All's well with the world, he was sunny again.
Archived comments for Jumbo
Kat on 30-07-2007
Jumbo
Albert, I love your sense of fun and this is something for all ages to enjoy.

I think just 'optician' repeated would work well in stanza 3, and ? 'dorkness' should be 'darkness' in stanza 5.

Really liked:

'untrampable
polycarbonate.' (A must I would think!) lol

and

'When he finally emerged from the long grass
it was with heavy heart and legs like tree trunks.'

Enjoyed.

Kat :o)



Author's Reply:
Hi,K. Ta for the suggestions and glad you really liked these bitties. e-g is right about 'dorkness' though. That was definitely meant . New glasses always used to leave me feeling like a complete prat! The bottle lenses didn't help either. Keep smiling. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 30-07-2007
Jumbo
oh, Kat, I assumed he meant 'dorkness' πŸ™‚

Apart from the entirely silly but convincing story, which was a delight in itself, I admired the internal rhymes which help the whole thing lilt along very well. The 'best' one, IMO is 'polycarbonate/accomodate' which is almost so well hidden you don't notice - but you KNOW it's there.

excellent. G

Author's Reply:
Glad you're appreciating me efforts these days, e-g. Mind you. there is something else going on here that I thought perhaps some of the more swinging sixties fogeys would pick up on. Thks again for your generous comments. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

delph_ambi on 31-07-2007
Jumbo
Super poem. Funny, touching, and utterly truthful in its metaphor.

Author's Reply:
Nice one, Delph, thks, Albert:)

Sunken on 31-07-2007
Jumbo
Hello Mr. Albermund. I like your poem. Witty and clever and no mistake. I can only wear glasses for so long. They irritate me. I prefer contacts and am currently waiting for a brown pair of the tinternet. I always fancied having brown eyes. They even do them in black. Useless comment isn't it? Fancy a pork pie?

s
u
n
k
e
n

he blames himself for the death of di

Oh, not doing the rates anymore, but here's a nice 10 via comment.

Rate:10

Author's Reply:
Cheers, S. BTW Van Morrison likes brown eyes so if I were you I'd fasten my safety goggles. Thanks for the 10 but unfortunately some bugger has emailed me a 3 which kinda takes the guilt of my ginger beer. rgds A πŸ™‚


orangedream on 31-07-2007
Jumbo
As with most of your poems, Albert, I enjoyed this one no end. Thank you.

:-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Thank you kindly, OD. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Kat on 01-08-2007
Jumbo
Aha... I thought that you might have meant 'dorkness' too, Albert, as you're usually very clear on intent and it did suit your poem (and your style!)... but thought I would mention it on the off chance the jumbo specs were still being trampled in. ;o)

Kat x

Author's Reply:
Heh! Without wishing to blow your own trumpet, K, I have to admit that 'darkness' was my original choice - before I saw the light and 'dorkness' descended. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰


Help! (posted on: 20-07-07)
.

Help! ----- Hairy Scotch git London freshmeat first weekend Slightly canned Carnaby Street flannels, shirt brogues supplanted Scores hippy specs feels good butabitofatwat. Tube home packed carriage staring kid wide-eyed tugs mother "John Lennon! ... ... John Lennon!" as my face goes strawberry fields forever.
Archived comments for Help!
e-griff on 20-07-2007
Help!
hah! Well done!

Do you ever have those days when you can't tune your guitar? You know, your 'ear' gets so accurate you just can't get it right (a guitar is mostly never in perfect tune).

that's me with poetry today, it all sounds McGonagled πŸ™‚

However, you as ever, are an exception. thanks!

Author's Reply:
Well, e-g, you certainly put me in good tune. Ta very much for generous comments. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 20-07-2007
Help!
Love it. Really funny. "butabitofatwat" Class!

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Delph. Was real pleased with that wee bittie. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 20-07-2007
Help!
This is bloody good!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Bloody pleased to hear it, R. Thanks a lot, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 22-07-2007
Help!
Tip top as ever Mr. Albermund. Love the ending, very clever. Forgive the no rating, I'm not rating anything at the moment. It's something to do with global pillocks. Top stuff tho.

s
u
n
k
e
n

hair up or hair down? you decide

Author's Reply:
Have you tried WD40, S? Ta for your encouraging words, rgds, Albert πŸ™‚


Jamie Lee Curtis (posted on: 16-07-07)
.

Jamie Lee Curtis ------------- I will never forget the first time I saw her naked breasts. It was with my mother; at the Odeon, Leicester Square. I would gladly have swapped places with a blind and legless beggar.
Archived comments for Jamie Lee Curtis
Sunken on 16-07-2007
Jamie Lee Curtis
Hello Mr. Albermund. Thank you for bringing Ms. Curtis into my life. I just gave her a right good googling. Nice norks and no mistake. Nice poem too. Tits and poetry, I better go lie down.

s
u
n
k
e
n

french knickers or thong? you decide

Author's Reply:
thongs very much, S. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚ PS Have you given up flaunting your poetic titbits?

littleditty on 16-07-2007
Jamie Lee Curtis
i can empathise - she's gorgeous that Jamie Lee - i have no regrets in my life, except one...in a NYC cab, i was asked if i wanted to go to the A Fish called Wanda itzarap party -and said no cos i was too tired - what a loser! xxldx

Author's Reply:
I posted this elsewhere and was dumbstruckified when some female folk thought I was venting my disgust!!! They even wholeheartedly agreed with their misinterpretation. In actual fact it was Jamie who turned my head from huge bazooms forever. Anyways, sorry to hear about your loss. I guess you must have been wrestling too many anacondas that day. cheers, Albert:)


Driving Miss Daisy crazy (posted on: 13-07-07)
.

Driving Miss Daisy crazy ------------------- She flashed her smile at me alone. At me alone she drove her eyes. So hypnotized I could not swerve. She crashed right through my shy reserve. Her lips impressed at 92, but suction failed as airbags blew. Her teeth and hairpiece waved adieu. She looked a bit like Mr Magoo.
Archived comments for Driving Miss Daisy crazy
Kat on 13-07-2007
Driving, Miss Daisy crazy
*laughing* I was meant to, I hope! Enjoyed this a lot, especially,

'...Her teeth
and hairpiece waved adieu.'

Kat

Author's Reply:
You certainly were, K! Delighted you enjoyed. Cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 13-07-2007
Driving, Miss Daisy crazy
This is brilliant and very clever!

My only comment is that I don't think you need the comma in the title.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot R. You're dead right about that comma. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 13-07-2007
Driving Miss Daisy crazy
I liked the first verse very much. For me there was an excellent resonance of 'reserve' and 'central reservation' being crashed through - not sure if that was intentional or your subconscious came up with it but I did admire it.

Yes, in the second verse, it's funny, but I was slightly regretful that it didn't continue in the tone of the first - feel it might have turned into a 'better' poem if you'd kept it serious, but that's your business.

best JohnG

Author's Reply:
Heh! All chances for seriousity were doomed on being grabbed by the magoolies! Glad some of this was to your liking. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 13-07-2007
Driving Miss Daisy crazy
This made me chuckle, Albert. I too was deceived by the serious beginning but was not disappointed at how it ended.
I sometimes change the tone in mid course and end up with something I hadn't envisaged when I started but I perceive that this was intentional.

Regards, Luigi.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Io. I'm happy that the whole thing went down well with you, and most of all, gave you wee laugh. cheers, Albert:)

delph_ambi on 13-07-2007
Driving Miss Daisy crazy
Too funny! Love it.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, D. I'm glad I'm still pressing your buttons. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 14-07-2007
Driving Miss Daisy crazy
Hello Mr. Albermund. Another fine piece you've got me into... and no mistake. Nice one indeed.

s
u
n
k
e
n

he could sense her disappointment by the way she turned out the light

Author's Reply:
Happy it caught your eye, S. Cheers, Albert PS - nice light joke :))

orangedream on 15-07-2007
Driving Miss Daisy crazy
You are at it again, Albert! Loved the film of almost the same name and yet for the life of me can't remember who was in it. It was clever adding that extra word 'crazy'. Fantastic title for your tongue-in-cheek poem!

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Thanks, OD, esp for pat on back re title. I love 'em as they can add so much. Have never understood why so many poetry sites banish titles to almost out of one's field of vision! cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Drama King (posted on: 06-07-07)
.

Drama King ---------- Today a great weight was lifted and I hang from this noose like Helium the Omnipotent of Prozackia. Tomorrow, now flavour of the month, shall include clinging to some outrageous ledge, with new found bravura squirting down my legs. And in a matter of days the Chattanooga Choo Choo will squeal unnecessarily as a leisurely figure unravels from its tracks whilst puffing a cigar. With the darkness gushing dawn I shall gouge laughter lines on my wrists spurn tightropes for brisk walks over vibrant coals. And in the new morning discombobulated gulls will oversquawk a glowing figure earnestly heart massaging roadkill. As the weak turn to moths I shall fire up my tongue and brimstorm boundless benevolence whilst evaporating all negativity and bad bacteria. Come twelve months, and shimmering with Norma Gene Vincent appeal I shall be walking on water healing the unhealable cleansing the uncleanable feeding the uneatable until she dumps on me again.
Archived comments for Drama King
Sunken on 07-07-2007
Drama King
Discombobulate is one of my fave words Mr. Albermund... I also like kebab. I must try a kebab whilst sober sometime. I wonder if they taste different? Shit comment isn't it? I'm off to comment classes later today. I'm only going 'cause I fancy the lecturer tho. She has purple hair and a big spike through her bottom lip. I could live without the spike tho to be frank. Anyway, nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

her heart kept him awake

Author's Reply:
I agree, Sunks, it's a great word as is 'ignonomininy from which you saved this. cheers albert πŸ˜‰


Mouser and Commander (posted on: 02-07-07)
.

Mouser and Commander ---------------------- I asked my cat to roll over and it did - three days later.
Archived comments for Mouser and Commander
Romany on 02-07-2007
Mouser and Commander
Lol! Love it!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Cat's are wonderful, aren't they! Cheers R, rgds Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 02-07-2007
Mouser and Commander
Ahah! Si, si, Senor Albermundi>>>

Author's Reply:
Three days later
and I'm not quite sure ... sea sea? but these arrows?? Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 03-07-2007
Mouser and Commander
Oh, sheer genius. A real laugh out loud piece.

Author's Reply:
I'm swelling up here, delph. Thanks a lot, cheers albert πŸ™‚

Gerry on 04-07-2007
Mouser and Commander
Get a dog--they roll over on command πŸ˜‰
Yes, good one...

Gerry.

Author's Reply:
I wonder how long it would take Gordon Brown's cat πŸ˜‰ Ta for commenting, cheers Albert


The Sceptic (posted on: 29-06-07)
.

The Sceptic --------- And he said to me:- "Splitting your sentences over multiple lines does not a poet make I too could pick random Words and place them so they looked eloquent It still does not a poet make" And I replied to him:- "Piss off "
Archived comments for The Sceptic
Emerald on 29-06-2007
The Sceptic
Well that certainly told him lol - Its hard always to define poetry as so many opinions vary as to what makes good poetry - I enjoyed reading

Emma πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Em. Good to hear from you again. cheers Albert:)

e-griff on 29-06-2007
The Sceptic
I wonder if changing the sequence of words sense does make? (now I sound like that blokey out of starwars!)

good fun! JohnG πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
I like to think the word arrangement adds pomposity and rhythm. Glad it tickled, e-g. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 29-06-2007
The Sceptic
Made me smile πŸ™‚

Thanks.

D.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Delph. That's enough to keep me plugging away for another month or two. Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 29-06-2007
The Sceptic
I think Griff is referring to Yoda.

Not a lot of people know this, but Yoda is actually German. His word order is very Germanic, with the verb normally going at the end of the sentence.

Herr Skywalker, es scheint ich dein Vater bin.

It seems I your father am.

Not that Yoda says that.

I reckon this poem very good is.


Author's Reply:
I'm not a Star Warts fan, MJ, and I've never been able to yoda but I get your drift. Happy this got your attentions, cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 29-06-2007
The Sceptic
or Latin?

Author's Reply:

discopants on 30-06-2007
The Sceptic
Mage me laugh but could also open up a debate on the subject. One time at school we were given a poem and asked if we recognised it- most of reckoned it was familiar. The punchline was that it wasn't a poem at all but a passage from a novel we had studied, but set out on the page as a poem. Pretty sneaky but interesting nonetheless.

Author's Reply:
Nice story, DP. Glad this raised a smile. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 30-06-2007
The Sceptic
Do you
reckon

that if

I comment

in a similar fashion

then I

will be perceived

as a

serious

poet...?


No. I thought not.

Nice one, Mr. A.

s
u
n
k
e
n

in cars

Author's Reply:
Heh! cheers, S. Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 01-07-2007
The Sceptic
Good one Albert. It looks as if the poet in question does not suffer fools gladly.

Luigi.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, I. I'm very brave after a couple of pints. Albert πŸ˜‰

Gerry on 01-07-2007
The Sceptic
Outen the light and say night night. Nice one...

Gerry.

Author's Reply:
Ta, G. rgds Albert:)

orangedream on 01-07-2007
The Sceptic
... and
one swallow
doth not
a summer
make ...

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
...too damn right, OD. rgds, Albert:)


Bloody Marathons! (posted on: 25-06-07)
.

Bloody Marathons! --------------- Giraffe with glazed look; from gaping chest wound a man's head lolls.
Archived comments for Bloody Marathons!
Sunken on 26-06-2007
Bloody Marathons!
Lol. As if marathons aren't hard enough hey Mr. Albermund? Top stuff.

s
u
n
k
e
n

tag-less in seattle

Author's Reply:
Thks, S. I'm just waiting for the man in the clunking diver's suit to announce that next year he will do it all again but this time in slow motion. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 26-06-2007
Bloody Marathons!
Do you know - for once I'm lost for words.

A poem - short not necessarily sweet, but certainly written in your own, inimitable style.

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
A critique - short not necessarily sweet, but certainly written in your own, inimitable style.

;-)Albert

discopants on 28-06-2007
Bloody Marathons!
I like it!

Author's Reply:
Thanks disco. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 28-06-2007
Bloody Marathons!
I had to give this one a second look, then I got it! (It's been a long week.) Nice one,

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Ta for persevering, R. All the best, albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 29-06-2007
Bloody Marathons!
Ha ha!

Very good. To the point. A kind of verbal painting, very modernist, I normally hate modernism but I don't hate this.

It's very close indeed to a sen-ryu or even a haiku. All you need is two more syllables in line 2 and one more in line 3.

Go on. If you do, I'll hot-story it. Go on. If you can get a season or some reference to the weather in there, then it's a perfect haiku, but just the syllables will do it for me.

About a week after this year's London Marathon I was walking round Canary Wharf, a chance occasion (I don't spend too much time there - I'm not a total twat) and I bumped into that bloke who ran the marathon in slow-motion. Apparently he gets up at 5am and does his thing all day long, for leukaemia research. Bless him. I gave him a postal order for 50 pence.

Mac


Author's Reply:
Delighted you got the picture, MJ. It's always good to have you visit one of my almost but not quite hot enough stories. Unfortunately it will have to stay that way as I'd rather cease forever playing hide and seek with my feet than bloat my poem with extraneous eastern bollocks. Perhaps I've been eating too many eccles cakes but there you go. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚ PS You tell a mean bastard of a funny story! πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 08-07-2007
Bloody Marathons!
Do I tell a funny story? Do you mean Passage through India or my haranguing of Eccles? Either way, ta.

I think you're a bit quick to dismiss the entire canon of Japanese poetry as "extraneous eastern bollocks".

Sometimes forms can be very useful. See my response to your comment on "Getting my arsehole waxed". Usually forms are the way they are for a reason.

Mac


Author's Reply:
Don't mind me, MJ. I'm too lazy to swot up on forms though I got to say that my limited understanding of 'proper' haiku's is that their length should be more like 12 syllables and certainly don't have to be 17. Iwas interested in your arsehole waxed expanation. I guess everyone to their own. For the time being I'll just let stuff tumble out and try and arrange so's it still reads ok the morning after. cheers Albert πŸ™‚
PS the joke was the 50p postal order.
PPS yes, of course, some of the Japanese stuff isn't really all that bad!

Albermund on 12-07-2007
Bloody Marathons!
Don't mind me, MJ. I'm too lazy to swot up on forms though I got to say that my limited understanding of 'proper' haiku's is that their length should be more like 12 syllables and certainly don't have to be 17. Iwas interested in your arsehole waxed expanation. I guess everyone to their own. For the time being I'll just let stuff tumble out and try and arrange so's it still reads ok the morning after. cheers Albert πŸ™‚
PS the joke was the 50p postal order.
PPS yes, of course, some of the Japanese stuff isn't really all that bad!

Author's Reply:


A Found Poem (posted on: 21-05-07)
.

A Found Poem ------------ "If only I could make you smile" Squirm "Then heaven would be mine" Cringe "For I could live for ever more" Yikes! "Embraced by your sunshine." SheeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEESH!!!! and yet ... my youthful plea once charmed the pants off Betty Buttocks and almost set sweet Heather on fire. Somewhat shrivelled, I return my wife's copy to the back of her lingerie drawer.
Archived comments for A Found Poem
Romany on 21-05-2007
A Found Poem
Haha! Nice little touch at the end there - I like this!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. Glad you got a laugh. cheers Albert:)

delph_ambi on 22-05-2007
A Found Poem
Enjoyed this one. Made me giggle. πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Am pleased to hear that, Delph. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 23-05-2007
A Found Poem
Very nice, very clever πŸ™‚ (I think 'Buttocks' spoils it a bit though)

Author's Reply:
Thanks e-g. This has already been drastically changed from initial version so will reconsider buttocks at a distance. Ta for your thoughts. cheers Albert:)

Gerry on 23-05-2007
A Found Poem
C'est la vie πŸ˜‰

Gerry.

Author's Reply:
V can be a right bitch, G. cheers A πŸ˜‰


The 'S' Factor (posted on: 11-05-07)
.

The 'S' Factor ------------ They used to come in varying hues now every Summer barbecues Crinkly, crunchy trees ablaze Autumn leaves Branches wave Winter snows a bloody pain Winter blows my nose again ... till Spring erupts from darkest trough To fill with hope then bugger off. And so the years go rat-a-tat I think it's time to fetch my hat.
Archived comments for The 'S' Factor
Dil on 11-05-2007
The S Factor
Enjoyable read.
Dil

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, D. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 12-05-2007
The S Factor
Ahhh and now it's May, this means two things - Eurovision and Big Brother. Perhaps we should hibernate all year round. Sleep is good. Nice one Mr. Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

she fell, manicure first, into his tattooed arms

Author's Reply:
I agree about sleep, S. Especially during E.S.C. Ta for commenting. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


Stillborn (posted on: 13-04-07)
.

Stillborn -------- cold limp shocking mocking contrary pig-headed winsome wily favoured hard hung hunky faster stronger brighter calculating self-centred jealous one way or another I'd have hated you brother.
Archived comments for Stillborn
Sunken on 13-04-2007
Stillborn
Brilliant stuff, crap comment. I'll just rate.

s
u
n
k
e
n

no tag week

Author's Reply:
Crap comment much appreciated, rgds Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 13-04-2007
Stillborn
Hmmm ... (not sure)

Author's Reply:
Thanks for checking out. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 14-04-2007
Stillborn
Chilling. Works for me.

Author's Reply:
So, do you reckon it's brrrrrr...illiant then? Heh ;)). Thanks for commenting, delph. (it still spooks me when I read it) cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Zoya on 15-04-2007
Stillborn
Sends a chill down my spine!
But I know of the siblings of the 'differently-abled' children, who suffer from lack of attention because their 'less-abled' sibling gets all the attention!
(((Hugs for a good penetration into the psyche of the other sibling!)))
love, Zoya

Author's Reply:
Thanks, Z. I felt real mean when writing this but now it's done and posted I'm happy to be chilled by it myself. Glad you appreciated. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 17-04-2007
Stillborn
This is quite, hesitating to use the word 'shocking' but I suspect that's what I mean! And brave and honest too. I was told of a stillbirth just this morning. What a difficult and unfair thing to have to deal with. But then, since when was life fair?

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Very belated thanks for commenting, R. I think if the stillbirth had actually happened I would not have been able to write this. rgds Albert

Bradene on 19-04-2007
Stillborn
I found this very disturbing yet thought provoking. Val

Author's Reply:
Apologies for never acknowledging till now, B. Glad it made an impression. cheers, albert


Workshops ... Dagnabit!! (posted on: 09-04-07)
.

Workshops ... Dagnabit!! I don't wanna do no workshops I just wanna do mah thing Ah Don't Wanna do no po-E- tree workshops Ah just wanna do MAH THing Heck dickity, no damn way am doin' no schoolmarm teacher EX--ER--SIGH---SES! I's gonna dickory do mah own dang didley THING YEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAW!! !!!SHUCKKKS!!!... I just gone DONE mah thing! Mama! Where are you, mama? It's mah thing Mama I gone done it again, Mama... Mama! Yea, I been drinkin', Mama. Mama!
Archived comments for Workshops ... Dagnabit!!
Macjoyce on 10-04-2007
Workshops ... Dagnabit!!
Yeah. I'm not going to do any workshops either.


Author's Reply:
Heh! Anarchy in the UKA ... YEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAWW!!!!

delph_ambi on 10-04-2007
Workshops ... Dagnabit!!
Your poetry always makes me smile. I love doing workshops...

Author's Reply:
I have noticed πŸ™‚ Glad you enjoyed despite. cheers, Albert (who one day, may or may not do a workshop, if it will help prevent the ozone layer from melting.)

orangedream on 10-04-2007
Workshops ... Dagnabit!!
Enjoyed, Albert πŸ˜‰

Tina

Author's Reply:
THanks, OD. I'm glad you thought it was right and proper for me to take a stand in this matter. Rgds Albert πŸ˜‰


The Long and the Short of it (posted on: 06-04-07)
.

The Long and the Short of it ------------------------ Life feels long, in shorts. Much shorter, in longs. But prepare for the worst when you're wearing long johns.
Archived comments for The Long and the Short of it
Sunken on 06-04-2007
The Long and the Short of it
Hello Mr. Albermund. Someone is bound to ask this - How does it feel if you're not wearing any? Bloody draughty, that's for sure. Your dittys always raise a smile. Nice one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

no tag week

Author's Reply:
Thanks, S. Nice to see you staggering in Albert's direction. πŸ˜‰

Romany on 06-04-2007
The Long and the Short of it
Especially if Long John catches you! Don't pretend to understand this, but I like it!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
As an adult type I never wear shorts but unfortunately I seem to be in the minority these days which rather buggers up the logic of this. I just wish grown ups would act their age and stop messing up my poetry. Glad you still managed to enjoy. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 06-04-2007
The Long and the Short of it
Ha! Love it. Many a true word...

Author's Reply:
cheers, delph, glad you got the message. albert πŸ™‚

-phoenix- on 12-04-2007
The Long and the Short of it
How true!!!
Good one,

Best Regards,
-Phoenix-

Author's Reply:
Ta, P. Glad it hit the spot for you. cheers, Albert:)


Once upon a time in my vest (posted on: 02-04-07)
.

Once upon a time in my vest ---------------------- Took LSD once just to give it a try thought I'd swallow and fly swallow and fly or perhaps I'd die Went to church once of my own free will + my mother's free will, with my lover, Wilhelmina. Reverend Will preached long and with great willpower we never wilted. Was bullied at school by a teacher once she insisted I stand at the front of the class spelling 'psychological' till I wet my pants. Accepted a drink from a down-and-out once in London, swinging my girlfriend aghast then the dribble down chin to trendy slashed shirt there was one swallow less that summer. Pumped out some blood on my lonesome once A hell of a shock when it shot out my cock. The doc said, "Calm down it's not cancer related." "Oh what a relief" I ejaculated Wed a widow once wore her heart on her sleeve her soul on a mole just south of her knees and her liver would shiver as it blew in the breeze. A bitch over-dressed she left me distressed with her kidneys firmly clutched to her breast Had a childhood once it was better than sex.
Archived comments for Once upon a time in my vest
Slovitt on 02-04-2007
Once upon a time in my vest
Albermund: Entertaining, and 'Had a childhood once/it was better than sex.'/ has a zinger-ish quality that is both mildly surprising, and completing of your good poem. Swep

Author's Reply:
THanks, S. Glad you enjoyed, especially that bit. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 03-04-2007
Once upon a time in my vest
Both funny and dark at the same time. Clever wordplay (of course) but with a wistfulness lurking not far below the surface.

Author's Reply:
Yep, plenty of wist, D. Peaked long before 'clever wordplay' grabbed me by goolies. Thanks & cheers, albert:)

Romany on 03-04-2007
Once upon a time in my vest
Blackly comic, I agree. And very clever with just the right trace of bitterness to complement the sadness. Very good.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for trying to make some sense out of it all, R. When stuff like this tumbles out it can sometimes get pretty messy. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Desire (posted on: 30-03-07)
.

Desire ----- Red Seed sired Red Sid Red Sid sired Red Sir Red Sir sired Dee Siree Sir Des Res desires Dee Siree Sir Des Res ires Dee Siree Sir Des Res rides Dee Siree Dee's ire dies.
Archived comments for Desire
Romany on 30-03-2007
Desire
Clever little play on words. Fun too,

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for putting up with my twiddlings, R. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 30-03-2007
Desire
Ha! Clever as ever.

Author's Reply:
THanks again for reading, D. cheers Albert.

orangedream on 31-03-2007
Desire
Droll, Albert!

:-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Haven't heard that word for ages, OD. Nice one, Albert πŸ™‚


Speak to me of Self-Esteem (posted on: 26-03-07)
.

Speak to me of Self-Esteem ---------------------- Do your own thing Spread the Word Do it with all your heart But remember; In life's great pincushion, You have a tiny prick.
Archived comments for Speak to me of Self-Esteem
Zoya on 26-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
Great! I like the idea of pincushion!
(((Hugs for the original piece)))
Love, Zoya

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, Z. Glad you liked the idea. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 26-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
Albert - I really don't know what to say to this one, except it made me chuckle. There's some would say, "Speak for yourself, Albert!" But then I suppose, in the ulitmate line the word 'have' was preferable to the word 'are' - thinking about it.;-)

Enjoyed
:-)Tina

Author's Reply:
So glad it made you chuckle and not chuck up, OD. thanks & rgds, Albert πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 26-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
I was uncomfortable with the last line. Something like 'you've only managed to insert a tiny prick' or, you've only caused a tiny prick, or you've only made a tiny prick, something related to the action of sticking something into the pincushion, not a direct reference to him, if you see what I mean...

Author's Reply:
I was hoping the last line would make some folk uncomfortable, e-g. Seriously though it makes perfect sense to me, every which way, and has the added bonus of a bit of WTF. If I felt it didn't work then I think I'd forget about the poem as to my mind anything else reads lame in comparison. Once again, thanks for stopping me in my tracks and making me have a good thunk. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 26-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
Following on from egriff's comment, how about 'Yours is but a tiny prick?'

Nice idea, very original.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, R. When it popped into my head I was like chesshire cat all evening. thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

PS as regards last line, I feel it works real good as it is. (see my response to e-griff )

delph_ambi on 27-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
No, keep the original last line. Brilliant!

Author's Reply:
Thanks a bunch, delph. No matter how strongly I feel about this, it was great to get your support. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 30-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
to clarify, I wasn't uncomfortable because of the subject, I was uncomfortable technically as there was a sudden shift (as I tried to explain in the second part). 'Yours is a tiny prick' would cure it and still also convey the same meaning as the original. OR 'You are a tiny prick'

Author's Reply:
As I said before, e-g, everything pales beside "You have a tiny prick". Any of the other alternatives, in my opinion, are just not funny in comparison. It reads nice and edgy to me and I just can't see anything to fix. I guess we'll just have to differ on this one. cheers, Albert

e-griff on 30-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
to clarify, I wasn't uncomfortable because of the subject, I was uncomfortable technically as there was a sudden shift (as I tried to explain in the second part). 'Yours is a tiny prick' would cure it and still also convey the same meaning as the original. OR 'You are a tiny prick'

Author's Reply:

e-griff on 30-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
*sorry wierd goings on here* enuff from me!!!!!! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:

teifii on 30-03-2007
Speak to me of Self-Esteem
Made my morning Albert. I'm still smiling. Don't change the last line. The change of tack is what gives it the element of surprise.
Daff

Author's Reply:
No chance, T, but thanks for your support and really glad it gave you a laugh. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Kornflake Kid (posted on: 23-03-07)
.

The Kornflake Kid -------------- It was a long time ago I was a winner the proudest box of cornflakes at the fancy dress parade. In fact I was the only box of cornflakes and my little sister was the only strawberry. The competition was pretty stiff and included a box of daz, a wicked witch, a goat that resembled a famous celebrity, a man dressed as a woman an upside down clown and a giant spider with its flies undone. Grandad had great difficulty reaching his decision and was slow handclapped when his pipe broke down. We were a one horse, one hearse one channel town, and on a clear day could see Africa and even Alan Whicker without a flicker on our bush TV. And everyone knew everyone and nobody harmed nobody and somebody was always pinching Bunty Pareshape's bottom. Next day, to celebrate, mother made us her special pudding of starey, squarey, sponge boys and custard with 'all new' half cherry mouths and rag doll physics. We mashed them to a pulp and drank lots of lemonade.
Archived comments for The Kornflake Kid
Romany on 23-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
Don't know why you haven't had more comments on this - I really enjoyed it and thought it was lovely, especially the line about 'my little sister was the only strawberry.'

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, R. Have still go a picture of her somewhere in all her strawberryness. heh! cheers, Albert:)

delph_ambi on 23-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
Absolutely charming poem. Love it.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Delph. Glad you thought so. rgds, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 23-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
I quite agree with Romany. Guess they don't know what they're missing. Nectar, from the first word to the last. Took me back I can tell you - in the THE most beautiful way. Brilliant, Albert. Simply brilliant.

:-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Wow!, OD. that's one heck of a generous comment. ta very, very much. Albert :))

deepoceanfish2 on 24-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
Albermund,

OK, I'm hooked! Great stuff. Now I want to read more! You and Pullmyhair should co-author a collection. Thanks for a daringly good read.

Regards,

Adele

Author's Reply:
Heh! Thks, Dee. Must check out this Pullmehair character. Glad you enjoyed. Albert πŸ™‚

Ionicus on 24-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
A delightful little poem full of humour, Albert.
I like the way you play with words and particularly like the following:

'We were a one horse, one hearse
one channel town, and on a clear day
could see Africa and even Alan Whicker without
a flicker on our bush TV. And everyone
knew everyone and nobody harmed nobody
and somebody was always pinching
Bunty Pareshape's bottom.'

Well done.

Luigi.


Author's Reply:
Good to hear from you again, I. It does my heart good to know that folk laugh at the same stuff as me. Thanks for quoting that bit which took a good wee whiley to come together. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 24-03-2007
The Kornflake Kid
I read this when first posted and had little to say. i read it again, and now I've read it again.

It's clever in a way, but I missed substance. is it me? Can i explain? Obviously not (and I'm sorry for that). If I can condense it, I'll say ... best JohnG

Author's Reply:
I'm just glad you're still reading, e-g, and spouting as you find. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Jerrk (posted on: 19-03-07)
.

Jerrk ------ Hold me. Hold me close. Never let me go on Springer.
Archived comments for Jerrk
delph_ambi on 19-03-2007
Jerrk
Gotta larf!
Another gem from your pen. Brilliant.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for being first in, delph. Another great compliment from you. really appreciated, cheers, Albert

orangedream on 19-03-2007
Jerrk
Short ... and I think sweet! Albert - you're at it again!

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
You know, as a kid, OD, I hated shorts. Now, I think they're my best feature. Heh! Ta vry mch for commen ting. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 20-03-2007
Jerrk
Very witty!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Cheers, R. Nice to have you popping in again. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

Rupe on 20-03-2007
Jerrk
Amazing what you can do with just 9 words. Good stuff.

Rupe

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. Good to hear from you. cheers, Alb ert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 20-03-2007
Jerrk
Very neat Val x

Author's Reply:
Cheers, B. Have been really delighted with the response this got. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


The Colour of Grey (posted on: 16-03-07)
.

The Colour of Grey ----------------- Come by and see me sometime We can talk back years ago When no-one had a telly And snow was really snow Come by and we can drink some beer And laugh as brave young men With girls in mind who much inclined To let us cuddle them Come by and let us smoke some shag And puff the magic bygones When life was sung in ruddy tongue Long 'fore we chained to dragons Come by and we can cough up phlegm And spume upon the breeze Watch dying sun drag butchered sky before the final freeze.
Archived comments for The Colour of Grey
delph_ambi on 16-03-2007
The Colour of Grey
Clever stuff. Starts cheerfully nostalgic, but hints of wasted lives creep in with the drugs references. An entirely appropriate ending too.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your thoughts, delph. Glad you thought it worked ok. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 16-03-2007
The Colour of Grey
Oh, I like this Albert. One of your best and they're all excellent. Like Delph says, an entirely appropriate ending. My Dad used to smoke rough shag actually. He did give it up years before he died though. Funnily enough, when I was little and the smell of his pipe used to waft up to my bedroom at night, it used to be a kind of comforting aroma. Can't get that out of my head - even now. Strange, isn't it?

Good poem
Tina:-)

Author's Reply:
I love the smell of fags even more than pipe smoke, OD. Gave up a few years ago but still suck down the odd cigar now and again. Nothing lifts my heart more than hearing about a centenarian who smokes forty fags a day, knocks back half a dozen pints on a regular basis and has eaten fish'n'chips every night since he was a nipper. (If you ever hear of one please let me know.) Glad you liked this and that it evoked such pleasant memory. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Bradene on 16-03-2007
The Colour of Grey
I liked this albert but the line... Long 'fore we chained to dragons --- Pulled me up a bit sharp, I would hate to think my man thought of me as a dragon! or have I misunderstood the line? on the whole though a damn fine poem. Valx



Author's Reply:
Heh! I'm afraid puff the magic dragon got trapped in the headlights when I was writing this, B. Please don't think I'm just a woman hater. I hate men too. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰ PS Nice compliment, thks.

Zoya on 18-03-2007
The Colour of Grey
Yes, simple pleasures are no more savoured... technology has taken all the spontaneity out of simple living...
I especially like the refrain " come by..."
Some lines are also very poetic and charming:
"Come by and let us smoke some shag
And puff the magic bygones"
(((hugs for sharing this piece full of longing and nostalgia)))
Love, Zoya



Author's Reply:
Thanks, Z. It's really nice to get your own stuff quoted back at you. Good you enjoyed the nostalgia and ta for hugs. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

teifii on 19-03-2007
The Colour of Grey
Very clever, the way it starts off all bonhomie and ends so gloomily.
Watch dying sun drag butchered sky
before the final freeze. --------brilliant!
Daff

Author's Reply:
Thanks, T. A lovely compliment. All the best Albert πŸ™‚


A Serious Poem (posted on: 12-03-07)
.

A Serious Poem ------------- This is a serious poem. A very serious poem about something serious that happened to mother in her late teens, whilst sifting for Mr Right. It was the early eighties; she'd just been badly smitten by the tennis bug and quite overcome, had collapsed in awe at his feet; grabbing at his shorts to break her fall. You cannot be serious - he hissed. She whimpered she was. You CANNOT be serious - he insisted. But I am - she pleaded. - !!!YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!! ... - by this time he'd smashed two racquets and lost control of his bladder. Ok, OK, - she spluttered struggling to her knees, - I was taking the piss - and crawled out of his life forever straight into the path of father, who fell head over heels ...
Archived comments for A Serious Poem
orangedream on 12-03-2007
A Serious Poem
Well - I am absolutely speechless,Albert! How do come up with these little masterpieces. I used to play tennis with Mr. Orange. We were about 13years old at the time.

Enjoyed!

Author's Reply:
I'm speechless too, OD. Thanks a lot for pushing the big button! Glad it brought back your courting memories. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 12-03-2007
A Serious Poem
Funny and very sweet at the same time. I love the ending. Super poem.

Author's Reply:
Real glad it hit the spot for you, D. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

scotch on 13-03-2007
A Serious Poem
dear Albermund trust me you don't need the first stanza, the rest is full of cliche and i wondered if there was an irony intended, this is not a criticism i like the way you wrote about love-games...scotch

Author's Reply:
I would really miss that first stanza,S. Even though e-griff agrees with you I just cannot desert my funny bone. Ta for your suggestion though and glad you liked some of this. rgds Albert πŸ™‚ PS I love diddling with cliches.

e-griff on 13-03-2007
A Serious Poem
I held off commenting on this (you warned me your heavy streak would not last) this is light. But I do agree with scotch about the first verse, now he's said it.

Author's Reply:
Glad you're still taking an interest e-g. As per comment to scotch, It would be daft for me to remove the first stanza when I really like it, but on occasion, I have been known to capitulate, so please keep plugging away. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Bradene on 14-03-2007
A Serious Poem
Lol Oh this is wicked! really wicked. I love it. Val x

Author's Reply:
Heh! I hope Mac would still get a laugh out of it though. Mum's quite happy in a kind of what the heck is he bletherin' on about now kind of way! Anyways, loved your reaction. Ta for letting me know. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not (posted on: 09-03-07)
.

Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not --------------------- When you read this I will be gone. Though tears may piss when you read this we'll no more kiss my dearest John. When you read this I will be gone.
Archived comments for Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
Bradene on 09-03-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
Like it , it's fun. Val

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, B. Cheers, Albert:)

orangedream on 09-03-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
Another one of your little gems, Albert!

;-)Tina

Author's Reply:
NIce compliment, OD. Ta vry mch, Albert:)

delph_ambi on 09-03-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
A perfect triolet. Can't fault it. Rhymes work. Repetitions work. Rhythm works.

It's also great fun.

Author's Reply:
Ta, D, and thanks for inspiration. The one I intended to post broke down at the last minute but hope to have it repaired soon. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 09-03-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
only the word 'piss' was out of place (for me) πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
I'm not sure I like you taking the piss out of my poem, e-g. Be careful out there, Albert πŸ˜‰ [know what you mean, know what you mean ... but thought a bit of grit might ... know what I mean? ]

Macjoyce on 31-08-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
Wow! One of the best triolets I’ve read, mainly because of the dimetric lines. It’s like a Skeltonic triolet, which as far as I know is your invention.

Author's Reply:
You're doing me head in, Mr T, with your la de dah gunner green'yan comments. All this googling will drive me blind. Mind you, that "Wow!" has won me over - at least for the time being. sincerely, Albert

Albermund on 31-08-2007
Triolet Madly Definitely ... Not
You're doing me head in, Mr T, with your la de dah gunner green'yan comments. All this googling will drive me blind. Mind you, that "Wow!" has won me over - at least for the time being. sincerely, Albert

Author's Reply:


What a lovely pair (posted on: 05-03-07)
.

What a lovely pair ---------------- Exotic eyes were staring. I stared back she shook her head. "Just looking at your glasses" the fat bitch said.
Archived comments for What a lovely pair
e-griff on 05-03-2007
What a lovely pair
Hee-hee! πŸ™‚

nice contrast!

Author's Reply:
Glad you got a titter, e-g. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 05-03-2007
What a lovely pair
Ha! Clever.

Author's Reply:
She still haunts me. thanks Albert πŸ™‚


There's just something about thirty (posted on: 02-03-07)
.

There's just something about thirty ----------------------------- I was always going to kill myself before hitting thirty. My friends would laugh and nod their heads. We were all going to blow ourselves to smithereens on the brink of that abyss. Many years later, and very much alive we are able to laugh again at our youthful fancies and piece together fond memories of serious Sam the oldest of our gang.
Archived comments for There's just something about thirty
delph_ambi on 02-03-2007
Theres just something about thirty
Surprisingly dark. Starts off as a typical nostalgic 'hope I die before I get old' type of thing, but the ending suggests that serious Sam really did kill himself before hitting thirty, and maybe the shock was what stopped the others from following suit.

Good subtle writing.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, delph, I was hoping this wouldn't be too Miss Marple. Cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 02-03-2007
Theres just something about thirty
As i noted last time, you are changing - or rather your poetry seems to be. less superficial humour and more depth. Iis the jester becoming the bard?

I like it. best JohnG πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
I'm afraid your optimism may be in for a bit of a battering, e-g, but glad this one was more to your liking. cheers, A πŸ™‚

Romany on 02-03-2007
Theres just something about thirty
I like the contradiction in that last line - memories of Serious Sam, who has obviously gone, and yet you still think of him as being the oldest. That's realistic I think. This is a powerful little poem with far more to it than at first meets the eye.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Glad you thought so, R, and thanks for commenting, Rgds Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 02-03-2007
Theres just something about thirty
Yes, there is, I think, much more to this poem than on initial reading. Good poem, Albert. You're on roll, hopefully!

kind regards
Tina

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot Tina. Re the roll - have certainly been pleasantly amazed these last couple of poems. all the best A:)

Macjoyce on 11-09-2007
Theres just something about thirty
Shit. Is that a true story? It has a bloody macabre ending.

Very well-written and subtle. I like it. Wouldn’t change anything.

Mac (aged 27 and a half)


Author's Reply:
Bullshit in my case, but could easily happen, I reckon. Glad it worked for you and ta for digging up. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys (posted on: 26-02-07)
.

Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys ------------------------------ Unlike pigs, I love sheep. If I were to wander into a room full of strange sheep their eyes would be magnetized to me like fleas and their ears would stiffen in salute. In their more natural surroundings, they drink me in, munch some grass, then drink me in again before skipping munching altogether to concentrate like constipation motionless and even those too shy to turn will peek at me between their legs like monkeys. In their company I feel almost five feet tall and when I growl it gives them the shits.
Archived comments for Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys
e-griff on 26-02-2007
Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys
Ah, something a little different from you.

I liked the idea. and the constipated/shits joke keeps up your trademark wordplay. I enjoyed it

a few observations:

Grammatically, the first line is saying that pigs don't like sheep. Was that your intention?

magnetise?

I felt placing 'motionless' on a separate line is hamming it up a little too much, and could lead to an initial confusion with the last line above before you drop to it. I'd put it back on the same line: ... constipation, motionless.

best JohnG




Author's Reply:
Always interesting to get your ideas, e-g. You are probably quite right about the first line. I had never considered that it meant anything other than what I thought it meant. Now that you have drawn my attention to it I am rather derpressed as I like it very much. As regards 'magnetise' - yes, i have spelt it like a merkan but I realy do think that z beats s for magnetism hands down. πŸ™‚ I prefer 'motionless on its own line with lots of spaces around because I want it to be read that way. I must say that it does sort of put a question mark against the following 'turn' line which has got me abit agitated but I'm not sure I really understand what you are getting at.

Once again e-g, thanks for taking time to rummage around my doings.. Whilst I will always do my best to kick you into touch I reckon we need more of you 'ornery critters around this 'ere necker the woods.

cheers, A:)

orangedream on 27-02-2007
Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys
A cow stood on the my foot once. I used to like them - until then.

Your poem made me titter!!! Liked.

Cheers
Tina

Author's Reply:
OD had a little cow
it stood upon her foot
I guess I shouldn't smile at this
but I'm pissed as a newt.

Thks T, Albert πŸ˜‰

delph_ambi on 27-02-2007
Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys
Funniest thing I've read all day. Love this poem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, D. Another comment that really bangs my gong. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

gwirionedd on 25-07-2015
Sheep (unlike pigs) and monkeys
"like constipation... motionless"

Ha ha ha...

The whole thing's fantastic. Will you come back, Albo? We need you!



Author's Reply:


A Shopgirl Maimed Desire (posted on: 23-02-07)
.

A Shopgirl Maimed Desire -------------------- Her eyes undressed my teeth but not my gums. I'm lucky that way and some, they say my grin's infectious. Her smile released endolphins splashing stars compounding lust. As I contemplated heaven it was sprinkling fairy dust. I requested my confections she responded with perfection. They were round and they were doughy some might call them rather showy. As I handed her the money something happened not so funny ... Her eyes unfurled their teeth gave me the glums. It's sucky that way but some, they say that gin's effective.
Archived comments for A Shopgirl Maimed Desire
e-griff on 23-02-2007
A Shopgirl Maimed Desire
are you playing with words?

or are the words playing with you?

πŸ™‚ JohnG

Author's Reply:
Heh! We spent hours playing with each other on this one e-g. Ta for poking your nose into our affairs. A πŸ˜‰

delph_ambi on 23-02-2007
A Shopgirl Maimed Desire
Had to read this, because the title's so good. Wasn't disappointed. You have a highly original way of using words.

Author's Reply:
That's a really encouraging comment, delph. Thks a lot. A:)


Robin Red Breast (posted on: 19-02-07)
.

Robin Red Breast ---------- I saw a robin today. It didn't see me or the neighbour's cat.
Archived comments for Robin Red Breast
e-griff on 19-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
Yes!

I always look forward to your little jokes, and wasn't disappointed with this one. best JohnG πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
You sound like a bit of a big jokist to me e-g but glad to have you aboard all the same, matey. rgds, A:)

Sunken on 19-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
Pure class young Albermund. Small and perfectly formed.

s
u
n
k
e
n

2 litre capacity

Author's Reply:
Thank you for taking my work seriously for once, S.
Yours faithfully, Albert Mundane esq.

orangedream on 19-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
You're at it again, Albermund or should I say, the cat is!

Short and very sweet!

regards
Tina

Author's Reply:
Glad it tickled your fancy, T. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

delph_ambi on 19-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
Aww... poor wee robin.

Super little poem.

Author's Reply:
Ta very much, delph. A:)

potleek on 20-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
Aaaahh I didn't see that coming either, didn't expect that...lol...Tony

Author's Reply:
Heh! Delighted to hear that, T. cheers, A:)

Macjoyce on 21-02-2007
Robin Red Breast
Nice piece, Albo.

I see you've subverted the haiku, from 5/7/5 syllables to 7/5/5. Intentional?


Author's Reply:
I pretty sure it was unintentionally intentional, MJ. Glad you liked. cheers Albert πŸ˜‰


GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!! (posted on: 09-02-07)
.

GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!! ------------------------- Yesterday, I was Rip Van Winkle. Today, I am Rip Vac Wankle. Tomorrow, I will Rip Yur Nickerzov.
Archived comments for GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Romany on 09-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Lol! I like it!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, Romany, rgds Albert πŸ™‚

orangedream on 09-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Oooh you are awful ... but I love it!

:-)Tina

Author's Reply:
Thanks awfully, Tina, rgds Albert πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 09-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Back again?

You're always playing with owrds.... JohnG πŸ˜‰

Author's Reply:
Vac wankling is darned addictive, e-g, give it a go, why don'cha :))

Sunken on 10-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Mad as ever, but a do like ya.

s
u
n
k
e
n

lost in grace

Author's Reply:
Nice one, S. Ta Albert πŸ™‚

Kat on 10-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Good stuff! Like the way your mind works, Albert, (I think!).

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
I'm glad we wankle on the same wavelength, K. cheers, A πŸ˜‰

PS I think too.

SugarMama34 on 11-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Hi Albermund, What a short but humerous poem this is, it made me laugh, especially at your last line. Nice one!

Cheers From Sugar.xx

Author's Reply:
Ta SM. All the best, Albert.

PS I love the idea of sugar laughing as I threw salt over my shoulder.

Ta again πŸ™‚

Albermund on 13-02-2007
GRAVIA! Arivga! VIAGRA!!
Ta SM. All the best, Albert.

PS I love the idea of sugar laughing as I threw salt over my shoulder.

Ta again πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:


Flight of the Bimble Bee (posted on: 05-01-07)
.

Flight of the Bimble Bee ------------------ I love you - she said - and with all my heart love another as well as occasional flings with Bing who's dying to meet you, his hero De Niro kissed me in dreams last night at the Oprah Show me a man I'll dance the Can-Can.
Archived comments for Flight of the Bimble Bee
Gerry on 05-01-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
A bit like Orpheus in the Underworld πŸ˜‰ well just a little bit, lol.

Gerry

Author's Reply:
Well spotted, G. (or was it striped!?). Anyways, ta for commenting. Cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

woodbine on 05-01-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
You've got a nice rythm running, some cute internal rhymes - 'flings with Bing' and "hero, De Niro", and a double entendre in Oprah Show. What you need, and this only my opinion, is a more substantial peg to hang your hat on. Funnier or more insightful, or both.
Happy New Year.
John

Author's Reply:
Thanks, W, and e-g for your ideas on this. Caused much munching esp as the Oprah/internal rhyme stuff that you both liked was really my 'b' movie... heh! Anyways, it's good to hear what folk think warts and all. Cheers, and a Happy New Year to you both. Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 05-01-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
blimey! he's a star (woody). I read this earlier and despite my reservations couldn't frame a sensible comment. Woody said all I felt about it ....concisely.

G

Author's Reply:
Cheers, e-g. see above.

PS Does that make Woodbine your fag?

A πŸ˜‰

Sunken on 06-01-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
There is madness about you, young Alber of the mund persuasion, a madness that...

...gives me hope Joanna,
hope Joanna,
give me hope Joanna
till the morning cums....

Thanks Mr. Grant.

I am having a underwear barbecue later if you are interested. I have invited S Club 7, Steps and Tracy Chapman. Thanks.

s
u
n
k
e
n

his medication runs out on monday

Author's Reply:
I envy your sanity,S. You bear it so well; like a yogi on booboo.

rgds to the old joanna. A;)

Albermund on 07-01-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this looks like a diddle that spawned a doodle that launched a sploodle attempting to bamboozle about some some floozle who could and coo'd for men of wood. I think it works, kind of, and your efforts to mislead the reader from line to line is very effortable. It could, of course, be longer and meatier, but I realise you are a bit of a lazy bastard.

Cheers, Albert


Author's Reply:

Jolen on 08-02-2007
Flight of the Bimble Bee
I thought it very clever from the title down.
blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:


Winter Games (posted on: 29-12-06)
.

Winter Games ------------- Statues in the snow; a robin lands on some crumbs and tickles my hand.
Archived comments for Winter Games
orangedream on 29-12-2006
Winter Games
How very much you said with those few words and what an enchanting picture you painted in my mind.

regards
Tina

Author's Reply:
Heh! Delighted it worked for you, T. It's real nice hearing what one wants to hear! BTW I did send you a PM just saying thanks for commenting on the disappeared 'Satan's Heroes' and hoping you were having fun, had got lots of lovely presents etc etc πŸ˜‰

all the best

Albert 'big kid' Mundane

Sunken on 30-12-2006
Winter Games
Simple and effective Mr. Mund of Albert fame. I liked it more than a chocolate digestive. I hope this helps.

s
u
n
k
e
n

puts hamsters first

Author's Reply:
For such praise, Mr S, I would gladly give you my last ginger nut. A very Happy New Year to you. Albert πŸ™‚

Albermund on 07-01-2007
Winter Games
Thanks for the encouragement T-L. and a very Happy New Year to you. cheers, Albert


Author's Reply:


Digging my Garden (posted on: 20-10-06)
.

Digging my Garden ---------------- Standing by the window looking at the flowers How I love my garden I could stare for hours Its beauty so beguiling owes everything to you All the love you planted love of every hue Now you're buried out there the star of your own show Why you tried to leave me I will never know.
Archived comments for Digging my Garden
Kat on 20-10-2006
Digging my Garden
Another fine write from you, Albert... haha... loved this.

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:

orangedream on 21-10-2006
Digging my Garden
You have a very dark sense of humour, don't you Albert - or at least I hope you do!!

Made me smile - never quite know what you're going to come up with next!

:-)Tina


Author's Reply:


Je suis fattygay (posted on: 16-10-06)
.

Je suis fattygay ----------- Damndull ... Sodamndull Hellsbells Dullashell Howdullishell? Hellnose ... Aujourd'hui Jerepose Comatose
Archived comments for Je suis fattygay
e-griff on 16-10-2006
Je suis fattygay
schlafensiegut,
bloodynut!

Author's Reply:
Heh!

spongemonkey on 18-10-2006
Je suis fattygay

If only I could understand it, it could be a masterpiece.
Priceless and wonderful but I can't so I agree with E-griff
bloodybignut.


Author's Reply:
Cheers, S. I'm glad that yourself and e-griff bloodybignut know a gut schlafensie when you see one. ;))

Macjoyce on 11-11-2006
Je suis fattygay
Is this about how dull French lessons are? If so, I agree. French is an awful language. Give me German or Welsh any day.


Author's Reply:


The C-Word (posted on: 13-10-06)
.

The C-Word --------- Chocolate nose chocolate ears smooth, soft chocolate complexion with curly wurly hair and eyes that were sweeter than chocolate. Chocolate neck extended to chubby chocolate torso with stubby chocolate limbs and fun-sized chocolate hands and feet. My sisters loved their dolly, Topsy, and would spend hours pushing her around the world of our garden in a rickety pram. One afternoon, left unattended on lawn she was ripped to pieces by Nigel, the black lab from next door who'd vaulted the wall in search of his testicles. No amount of chocolate could ease their grief. No amount of grief could ease their desire for chocolate. Normality only returned with the arrival of 'Crunchie'. A darling toy poodle who could 'sing' dance, count up to twenty-one, play dead, football, blackjack and a form of table-tennis, but happily gave it all up to spend hours being pushed around the world of our garden in a rickety pram.
Archived comments for The C-Word
Kat on 13-10-2006
The C-Word
Albert, another fun and wonderful read from you - love it!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
Very happy to hear that. K. Thanks a lot, Albert πŸ™‚

Romany on 13-10-2006
The C-Word
Lovely! As for:

the black lab
from next door who'd vaulted the wall in search
of his testicles.


Lol!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Heh! Ta vry much, R. I loved working on that bit. Glad it gave you a laugh and cheers for quoting. rgds Albert πŸ™‚

spongemonkey on 18-10-2006
The C-Word

I like this piece it's quirky especially the bit about the Lab looking for his testicles. My dog has testicles and he always looks at them licks them too lucky begger. Great poem excuse my disgusting attempt at humour but I couldn't help it.

Fare Ye well The sponge.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for sniffing round me poems, S. Real glad this tickled you. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


C&C (posted on: 02-10-06)
.

C&C ---- She was my girly girl I was her boysy boy We danced the twirly twirl In our curly whirly world Chocolates and Candyfloss We never once got cross Toothpaste and dental floss Our breath was never gross One day she swam in play Far, far out, in Lovers Bay To cuddle dolphins she did stress But they were sharks in fancy dress Chocolates and Candyfloss We never once got cross Toothpaste and dental floss Girly's breath, forever lost.
Archived comments for C&C
Kat on 02-10-2006
C&C
Hi Albert

I like your style!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
I do me besty best, K. Ta vry mch, A πŸ™‚


The 'Villa Nell' (posted on: 29-09-06)
.

The 'Villa Nell' ------------ The 'Villa Nell' is up for sale Another marriage on the rocks Soon they'll be gone - a sorry tale He rides the dales she likes to sail turns out he's mounting Gwynneth Fox Now 'Villa Nell' is up for sale She wants to redirect her male and cuddle up with Captain Cox Soon they'll be gone - a sorry tale We've lived next door to no avail They've shunned us like we have the pox Now 'Villa Nell' is up for sale They have two little ones who wail whenever there are scenes and squawks Soon they'll be gone - a sorry tale As will their visits without fail to purr and play with our dread locks Now 'Villa Nell' is up for sale Soon they'll be gone - a sorry tail.
Archived comments for The 'Villa Nell'
Kat on 29-09-2006
The Villa Nell
I really enjoyed this - a lovely bit of clever fun - love the tone.

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
How appropriate that you were first to comment! Ta vry mch, K. Albert:)

Bradene on 29-09-2006
The Villa Nell
Very Clever A villanelle called the villa nell what an imagination Well done Love Val x

Author's Reply:
Glad you appreciated this, V. It was excruciating fun to do! cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 02-10-2006
The Villa Nell
I liked this very much, But I did have difficulty with the last verse. I didn't understand who was 'visiting' - the parents or their kids? And earlier you said they shunned you - so why would they (either of them) visit? and what 'dread locks'?

Is it just me? Sorry! πŸ™‚ best JohnG

Author's Reply:
Hello e-g,

Glad you enjoyed what you 'got' of this. It's probably just as well you queried this as perhaps I could make it wee tiny bit more obvious. The warring couple have no kids. The visitors are their pussycats! I didn't want to spoil the whole point of the poem by spilling the beans in the penultimate verse (especially as this infernal villanelle style forces me to use the "soon they'll be gone' line. So I wanted the reader to think 'kids' and then aaaaaaaah! Kats! I reckoned the purring and playing with dreadlocks ( separated just to emphasise the rhythm) and the 'tale' 'tail' alteration would make things clear.

Originally the penultimate verse was something like:-

Their little ones both hit the trail
whenever there are scenes and squawks
Soon they'll be gone - a sorry tale

Perhaps that would make things clearer, though I'm not all that fond.

Hope makes more sense now and thanks a lot for commenting.

cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


e-griff on 03-10-2006
The Villa Nell
I see! - the 'purr' should have told me. (it's obvious now) but I still wouldn't connect cats with dreadlocks necessarily .

The subject of the cats takes up two verses where the other topics have one, so obviously this is the punch of the poem. I don't see why you should be coy - you want to 'give it all away' don't you. Why not be completely explicit :

We will not miss their midnight wail (change previous wail to 'rail')
Their scratching at our doors and locks
?
It is difficult to find rhymes isn't it? I guess the danger is you succumb to easy rhymes such as moon June etc I might write one! πŸ™‚



Author's Reply:
Hello again, e-g

The poem was inspired a by a lovely wee puss who comes to see us every day yet we barely know its owners who live close by. We recently heard that their marriage is up the creek and they're selling up. The sorry tale is not the fact the couple are leaving but that our wee pal will soon disappear for ever.

I've certainly failed miserably to get our story across to yourself, e-g and I'd be really interested to know if others found this so confusing.

RE the 'dreadlocks', they were part of a 'purr' +'tail' package and I thought it was a really neat image - the cat's playing with the very dangly things that may or may not have caused us to be shunned.

Thanks for making me have to re-assess this.

cheers Albert πŸ™‚

PS Can't believe how quickly you wrote your V! Leaves you plenty of honing time till friday. πŸ˜‰

e-griff on 03-10-2006
The Villa Nell
OK I wrote one! πŸ™‚
I'll put it on the poetry workshop for your delectation and crit...

It's not as witty as yours.



Author's Reply:

e-griff on 04-10-2006
The Villa Nell
just look upon me as your bellweather for the denser half of your audience! πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:


0 - 70 in ten seconds (posted on: 22-09-06)
.

0 - 70 in ten seconds --------------- bawled at 0 bold at 10 babes at 20 bairns at 30 beers at 40 beard at 50 bowled at 60 bald at 70.
Archived comments for 0 - 70 in ten seconds
Romany on 22-09-2006
0 - 70 in ten seconds
Witty little observation!

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Ta vry much, R, always nice to a quick response. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


orangedream on 23-09-2006
0 - 70 in ten seconds
A clever write and oh so true!

regards
Tina

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked, T. but I'm hoping it's a big lie! cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Sunken on 24-09-2006
0 - 70 in ten seconds
Life would be easier in reverse wouldn't it?
A neat little piece and no mistake young Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

cheesy quaver techno raver

Author's Reply:
Ta, S. What I'd like is for life to stand still so I could sleep for ten years - but I don't think it would be possible do this if life was standing still. Perhaps if it ran on the spot ... maybe I should just get to bed earlier. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

Macjoyce on 06-10-2007
0 - 70 in ten seconds
Wotcher Albo,

Great little idea for a poem. I just have a few minor suggestions:

As most of the words begin with b and end with d, how about birds instead of babes? It'd be more British too, god save the queen.

And how about 'beered' by the same token?

I think 'bored' ought to be one too, but that's just me.

Mac the Bored


Author's Reply:
Good thinking Macman. Trouble is now you've set me clunking again over this. I like the idea of "beered" and "beard" but only if I can find similar sound alikes for stanza 2. I was quite happy with just the symmetrical sound alikes of first and last stanzas but you have thrown spanner in works. At the moment the best I can come up with for S2 is belles and bells but feel I should really have kiddies in there somewhere. Perhaps it best I just go lie down.

Ta for digging this up. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

PS "birds" - yup, may yet change. "bored" - hmm... can't see where it would fit.


Ionicus on 06-10-2007
0 - 70 in ten seconds
Clever little ditty, Albert, but slanderous: I'm past 70 and I'm not bald!

Author's Reply:
Hah! But "Astroturf at 70" just wouldn't work. cheers and thanks, L. Albert πŸ˜‰

Macjoyce on 11-10-2007
0 - 70 in ten seconds
Well, in my experience, teenagers are generally bored with life and still are at twenty. People find reasons to live when they're in their twenties.

At twenty, men don't normally attract as many birds as they do at thirty. This is because in the eyes of women, a 20-year-old man is still immature, whereas a woman of the same age is massively sophisticated (hmmm, riiiiiight.....)

I understand you wanting to get kiddies in there somewhere, but the problem is there's no word for them that begins with b and ends in d.

A quandary, a quandary.

Mac the Bearded and Birded (aged 27 and a half)


Author's Reply:


Supergroup (posted on: 15-09-06)
.

Supergroup ---------- Bing Crosby Stephen Stills Ogden Nash I was young with a big moustache.
Archived comments for Supergroup
orangedream on 15-09-2006
Supergroup
You did it again - managed to bring it all back to me in just a few words. Woodstock, flower-power and of course Crosby, Stills and Nash!! Eat your heart out Bing and Ogden! My husband had a big tash too, round about that time. Made him shave it off though - he used to chew it!

Enjoyed.

Kind regards
orangedream

Author's Reply:
Thanks again, OD. Just catching up with my replies. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

spongemonkey on 15-09-2006
Supergroup

That's way before my time but I know where your coming from. It's different and I like different

bravo

Author's Reply:
Glad you like 'different', spongeM. THis one usually crashes so am pleasantly surprised. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

littleditty on 16-09-2006
Supergroup
Cool! xxxldx

Author's Reply:
cheers, ld, Albert πŸ™‚

Zoya on 16-09-2006
Supergroup
Those were the days.
love,
Zoya

Author's Reply:
Glad you enjoyed the trip, Z. cheers Ablert πŸ™‚

MWyndham on 25-09-2006
Supergroup
Good work!

I worked in a record shop in the late 80's, where the owner used to tell me everyday that Crosby, Stills & Nash are the enemy and never forget it!

I haven't

A 10 from me

Best Rgds
MW

Author's Reply:
Cheers, MW. An old girlfriend once told me I looked like Graham Nash. Unfortunately she didn't look like Graham Nash's girlfriend. Glad this hit the spot for you. Thanks again, Albert πŸ™‚


Color me Crunchy (posted on: 01-09-06)
.

Color me Crunchy ------------------ Oh how I love those little gems That even thickos comprehend And no-one needs to phone-a-friend Unless the verse to recommend So here is one I gone done earlier I think it's great In its small area A jewel indeed Fit for any Rose Pray silence please Here goes ... Look into my eyes and what do you see? A raging monster salivating thee? Or someone gagging for a cup of tea ... and a biscuit?
Archived comments for Color me Crunchy
orangedream on 01-09-2006
Color me Crunchy
Make mine a Hob-Nob .... please.

Enjoyed
orangedream

Author's Reply:
No problem, OD, one lump or two? cheers and thanks, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 01-09-2006
Color me Crunchy
OK, first I liked this overall. I came to read it to get a dash of your humour again, and wasn't disappointed.

But, I'm gonna nit-pick a bit. For your consideration:

'Unless the verse to recommend' - this is an arse-about face line (unnatural verb position) crowbarred in to fit. I think it could well be improved, to the benefit of the first verse. Even 'except perhaps to recommend' would do. πŸ™‚

'Fit for any Rose' - this line either departs from the rythm scheme, or has to be said in a certain manner to fit (with the emphasis on 'for' and compressing 'any' into one unstressed syllable). While many will read it this way comfortably, some will emphasise 'any' and rather complicate things.


A raging monster ( - / - / - ) ( - = unstressed, / = stressed) departs from the general rhythm established in the first two lines ( - / - - /) : to make this work, you are tempted to say monSTER ( - / ) which is abnormal. However, as before, some won't notice it consciously. πŸ™‚

salivating thee? : er, you can't 'salivate' someone. and salivating is normally said ( - - - - ) which rather buggers up the rhythm again, unless you say it emphasising the 'liv' whch is wee bit dodgy again.

er, that's all. hope the concentration is OK with you and hope your hackles survive!

a nice, funny pome!! JohnG





Author's Reply:
Thanks for checking this out e-g.

I agree 'Unless the verse to recommend' is arse about face. I am loathe to change it because I feel it fits the annoying daftness of this poem.

I also agree that a lot of people would have a problem with 'Fit for any Rose' and I could stomach altering this even though It always works fine when I read it myself.

'salivating thee' I'm happy with even if it doesn't make true sense. I can't believe that many would stumble over what is actually being meant (shurley, e-g?). To me it reads so well and I just can't fathom what problems you've got with the rhythm over these last four lines. In fact I just had to do an audio just to give you some idea as why I couldn't understand your crit. I know, I know I have emphasised the STER(which normally I don't do)in the bloody audio, dammit! but even if I didn't, the rhythm always goes swimmingly. Honest , guv!

Anyways, E-g, you gave me much food for thought and I appreciate the bother you went to. By all means get back at me. cheers, Albert

e-griff on 04-09-2006
Color me Crunchy
Thanks for replying. As always, it's up to you what you make of suggestions. I find it an interesting exercise to try to analyse, whatever. I'll listen to the poem (but of course YOU know what it's SUPPOSED to sound like πŸ™‚ best JOhnG

Author's Reply:

Dammit ... posted this as separate comment by mistake!

Thanks for your forbearance e-g. Please do not despair. What you wrote made me think and still does. You also pushed me over the edge into doing a first ever audio, which was a heck of a plummet for Albertkind. :))


Albermund on 05-09-2006
Color me Crunchy
Thanks for your forbearance e-g. Please do not despair. What you wrote made me think and still does. You also pushed me over the edge into doing a first ever audio, which was a heck of a plummet for Albertkind. :))

Author's Reply:


Don't Cry for Me Agrennita (posted on: 28-08-06)
.

Don't Cry for Me Agrennita ---------------------- She is tall and willowy He is tall an hunky I am short and wiry Her beauty is astounding His pectorals are astonishing My jealousy is amazing She is so smooth and he so hairy But I am hairier She is so soft and he so horny But I am hornier She is so fragrant and he so cheesy But I smell a rat She is so deep and he so shallow But I am kidding myself She is a woman He is a man I am a goat.
Archived comments for Don't Cry for Me Agrennita
e-griff on 28-08-2006
Dont Cry for Me Agrennita
short and sweet, fun to read. i like your humour. (and no, I don't want to change any words round πŸ™‚ ) best JohnG

Author's Reply:
Heh! Glad liked, JG. Feel free to diddle with any of my masterpieces. It knee jerks hackles but I can't resist questioning other folks efforts so what the heck, and anyway it's often good to be forced to loook again . Cheers, Albert

PS I'm not sure I should have said all that 'cos I can get very depressed.


πŸ™‚


orangedream on 28-08-2006
Dont Cry for Me Agrennita
'But I am kidding myself'!!!

Could kick myself for not seeing it coming but I didn't. Brought a smile to my face. Won't ask where the idea came from, but I'm glad it did.

Thanks Albermund.

orangedream:0)

Author's Reply:
THanks a lot OD. There's not much better than bringing smiles. cheers, albert πŸ™‚

Zoya on 30-08-2006
Dont Cry for Me Agrennita
Oooooo! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE END!
It just bowls me over...

Great sense of humour!

Thanks Albermund.

Love,
Zoya

Author's Reply:
Thank you very kindly, Z. There should be more Zoyas on UKA, it's a downright disgrace. No wonder 77 Dargos are leaving.

cheers Albert

Albermund on 31-08-2006
Dont Cry for Me Agrennita
Thank you very kindly, Z. There should be more Zoyas on UKA, it's a downright disgrace. No wonder 77 Dargos are leaving.

cheers Albert

Author's Reply:

CVaughan on 01-09-2006
Dont Cry for Me Agrennita
Oh this is so clever and delivers a great punchline. Jealous like your hero in this piece at this comical bright idea I never had. Cheers - Frank (alias CVaughan)

Author's Reply:
Thanks, F. That's a really uplifting comment. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


The Joy of 'Ting (posted on: 25-08-06)
.

The Joy of 'Ting -------------- I write and post then wait and see if anyone will fancy me And if they coo I whoop de doo and if they boo I don't.
Archived comments for The Joy of 'Ting
e-griff on 25-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
Engaging idea, neatly done. I chuckled...

Did you consider putting the second verse the other way round (as it were)? eg

And if
they do
I whoop
and coo
and if
they don't
I boo

(or boo-hoo or boo and hoo) - *going a wee bit wild now*


Author's Reply:
Nice to get some stuff to chew over, e-g. I quite like your boo-hoo ending though I do feel that as things stand it appeals more to my funny bone. cheers, Albert.

Romany on 25-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
I think that your original way around works just fine, personally, but that is just my opinion of course. Succinct and fun,

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Glad you enjoyed this, R. Cheers, Albert.

orangedream on 25-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
Made me smile πŸ™‚

thank you,
orangedream

Author's Reply:
That's good enough for me, od. Thanks a lot, Albert.

ruadh on 25-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
Short but to the point. Nicely done πŸ™‚

ailsa

Author's Reply:
Cheers, a. Thanks, Albert.

Sunken on 26-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
Hello young Albert. A smashing poem. Short and sweet, like Kylie. Thanks.

s
u
n
k
e
n

sponsored by lulu

Author's Reply:
and remember, a minogue is not just for xmas. Thank you very much, S. rgds Albert

Zoya on 26-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
I like it. I really like it!
Coo!
Love,
Zoya

Author's Reply:
That's good to know, Z. thank you and cheers, Albert.

e-griff on 26-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
OK, give in. Second time around, I read it ok. Fine as it is G πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Good of you to come back and say so, e-g. cheers, Albert

scotch on 31-08-2006
The Joy of Ting
i don't feel it says anything... so sorry, but i will look at more of your poems so there is a positive upshot, i feel the others are flattering to decieve or easily pleased but they are entitled to their views... from scotch

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your thoughts, S. It's not easy going against the grain here but I think it makes for a healthier group. Cheers, Albert.

Romany on 01-09-2006
The Joy of Ting
Am a little put out by Scotch's remark, but that's not down to you Albermund!

Having read it though (on revisiting lots of work I have commented on recently) I just wanted to clarify with you that I do not 'flatter to decieve' and I don't think I am particularly 'easy to please' either. I left a positive comment on this because I felt it deserved one, no more no less. I know Scotch is being honest and outspoken - and more power for that - but I don't like being second guessed when it's my own opinion I'm writing about!

Anyway, don't want to rattle feathers! Just wanted to say my original comment still stands; I did enjoy this and have again today. And as has already been said, we are indeed ALL entitled to our opinions.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
It's a bit fluffy but I still like it too, R. Thanks for your support. I think you're right that Scotch was a bit presumptious but I so know the feeling of reading comments on stuff and think WTF? Usually I just skip putting my alternate view, so I think it's encouraging when others don't beat about the bush. Perhaps you should PM him as he'll probably never get back here read your comments. cheers, A.


Little Bird (posted on: 14-08-06)
.

Little Bird ---------- "chirp" Oh Hello little bird how are you today in your place in the world on top of our shed "chirp chirp" Yes I know little bird It's just great being alive in this warm morning sun and the ruffling breeze "chirp chirpy chirp" Your view must be grand looking down from up high on our garden, much tended by my darling, Joy "chirpy chirp cheep" and your song so reminds of 'our tune' long ago when love drunk, we danced to the middle of the road "chirpy chirpy cheep cheep?" Yes ... that was it.
Archived comments for Little Bird
HelenRussell on 14-08-2006
Little Bird
A very clever little piece that made me smile with those final lines. Lovely and 'chirpy' for a gloomy Monday morning.

Sarah x

Author's Reply:
Glad you appreciated it, Sarah. You certainly cheered my Monday morning. Albert:)

Sunken on 14-08-2006
Little Bird
I think I know the song you're referring to young Albermund. I heard it on a retro radio station that I was listening to this morning at the local turnip referral unit. We all need a good chirp on a Monday morning don't we. Thanks for providing one.

s
u
n
k
e
n

prefers tick to tock

Author's Reply:
Cheers, S. Your knowledge of turnips is mangleworzeling. rgds Albert πŸ™‚


Castaway (posted on: 11-08-06)
.

Castaway ---------- When I perambulate, the girls hurrah. They flock like sheep and howl like rabbit dogs But all their drool and pawing matters not for no-one loves my poems anymore The winter days now gone but spring is cold and Summer waits but should not hold its breath For every I needs drops of happiness and no-one loves my poems anymore My friends now number few and far between like scarecrows on a telegraphic wire. They clutch at straws or bake another pie but no-one loves my poems anymore Like Crusoe on a lonely desert isle my dreams ofttimes return to far off shores. Where grass is greener than an emerald fire and Friday loves my poems more and more.
Archived comments for Castaway
Macjoyce on 23-11-2006
Castaway
You're not alone, mate. No-one reads my fucking poems either.


Author's Reply:


A Longer Poem (posted on: 07-08-06)
.

A Longer Poem ---------- I could write a longer poem     About how much I love you    But it would be filled with cliches   And annoy too many people    I hear you saying "Go on, my darling, do it anyway!" But already my ears are burning And the kettle has started to hiss
Archived comments for A Longer Poem
red-dragon on 07-08-2006
A Longer Poem
Mmm, Albert, I can tell you're a passionate man, who doesn't like to share his cliches.
Ann

Author's Reply:
Ta, Gypsy Rose Dragon πŸ™‚

Andrea on 07-08-2006
A Longer Poem
Short an' sweet - nice πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Mercy buckets, A. πŸ™‚

bluepootle on 07-08-2006
A Longer Poem
Yes, I like this one. Top banana!

Author's Reply:
Well poot, Blue. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

e-griff on 07-08-2006
A Longer Poem
Very good indeed, IMO. Managed to do two things, convey a feeling of true admiration while admirably pulling of a small, apt, joke. Nice!

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, E. cheers, Albert

Sunken on 09-08-2006
A Longer Poem
Did someone mention bananas? Short is always good in my book (insert infantile genital reference here). Nice one young Albermund. I'm giving a ten because I can and because I want to. Thanks.

s
u
n
k
e
n

in charge of the height brigade




Author's Reply:
You have a very engaging way with tens, S. Ta vry mch, Albert.


Life's a Gas (posted on: 04-08-06)
.

Life's a Gas ------------- One day I will be fifty-one. I shall kill myself not, on thirty's eve. Nor trumpet at forty of the prologue's end. One day I will be fifty-one. The top of my head will bounce the sun. The earth will no longer move on ejaculation, women will scream 'Werewolf!', as I slowly undress. One day I will be fifty one. I shall celebrate with a short walk down the long pier, drop in at my local for a stiff drink then home, to the kitchen, poke my head in the oven ... One day I will be fifty-one The top of my head will bounce the sun. But today I am lonely, twenty-young, and the cake I baked, was perfect.
Archived comments for Life's a Gas
Romany on 04-08-2006
Lifes a Gas
Lol! This has a wry, wistful feel to it. I have no idea how old you really are, but I remember thinking that at 21 I would be 'an adult' and life would no longer be a mystery to me. Yeah, right!

P.S What is so bad/significant about 51?

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting, R. Your question has been asked a few times before. Perhaps I should include an explanation in the poem (once I can remember the answer) ;)) cheers Albert

Sunken on 05-08-2006
Lifes a Gas
I like this young Albermund. It's quirky, and that's seldom a bad thang.

s
u
n
k
e
n

prefers dogs

Author's Reply:
Thanks, S. I like you think 'quirky' but hopefully not obscure 'quirky'. cheers Albert.

Kat on 05-08-2006
Lifes a Gas
Yes, quirky is a very good thing (and that lovely Sunky should know!). ;o)

I enjoyed this and liked the idea of '51' as opposed to the usual 30, 40, 50 type of thing!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
THanks, K. Glad you enjoyed and for vote of confidence in 51. πŸ™‚ cheers Albert


Master of the Universe (posted on: 31-07-06)
.

Master of the Universe ----------------- I looked around She looked at me I looked at her She looked away I loooked at her She looked at me I loooked at her She loooked at me I looked at her She looooked at me I looked around ...
Archived comments for Master of the Universe
Macjoyce on 08-12-2007
Master of the Universe
Very clever, Scotland-mouth. Incidentally, are you aware that's what Albermund means in Gaelic and German? Very apt methinks, you being a poety son of the Tartan Peninsula.

Anyway, yeah, it's a bugger the way the moment you return interest in someone, they sod off. Not nice at all.

Interesting how you can create and alter meaning simply by adding a few extra vowels.

Maaac


Author's Reply:
Ta for cheeering me up, apple knickers. Not often anyone appreciates wot is one of my favourite poems. Alber Mund, MOTTP πŸ˜‰


Thai Bride 'Non' (posted on: 28-07-06)
.

Thai Bride 'Non' ------------- They go, "Yuso!" chikka chakka, chikka chakka hug me, chikka chakka ... hug me (They're all called Lee!) and I try but they go - chikka chakka chikka chakka scrim scram runaway... Next time they go, "Yuso!" chikka chakka chikka chakka hug me, chikka chakka ... hug me (They're still all called Lee!?) again I try but they go - chikka chakka chikka chakka scrim scram runaway... I sigh, what the ficka, so mad what the ficka so far so bad, what the ficka so sad big guy so shy cries "Why ... oh why?" One turns, chikka chakka, two turn, chikka chakka, three turn chikka chakka chicks... return. "Oh, Yuso, Mista Yuso don't you know so, why we say so Mista Yuso, why we flee so, Mista Yuso, Yuso huglee."
Archived comments for Thai Bride 'Non'

No comments archives found!
Lulu (posted on: 05-05-06)
.

Lulu ---- When she stared she stared seductively When she danced she danced divinely When she kissed she kissed sublimely When I undressed she laughed hysterically.
Archived comments for Lulu
Romany on 05-05-2006
Lulu
Lol!

Romany.

Author's Reply:

scotch on 05-05-2006
Lulu
hello Albermund... we need these sorts of poems from time to time... from Scotch

Author's Reply:

scotch on 01-09-2006
Lulu
hi albermund i like this one and the humour in others perhaps i was too hasty before...scotch

Author's Reply:
Thanks, S. Glad you found something you liked. This was actually a competition poem where you had to write something humorous using only 12 diferent words or less including the title (which had to include the letters LU to signify it was Lighten Up competition entry . I reckon you'd have quite enjoyed a stab at it. cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Red Red Whine (posted on: 28-04-06)
.

Red Red Whine -------------- Roast beef Baste Roast beef Baste Still bloody, Roast beef Baste. Bloody daytime TV chef Bloody 'fifteen minutes a pound' Bloody joke! Bloody baste Bloody smells Bloody great Bloody tough! Bloody baste Bloody hell! Bloody Burnt!! Bloody buggered up again Bloody money down the drain Bloody roast beef, what a bugger What a bloody damn shame Such a bloody buggeration Bloody goes wrong every time The only bloody saviour is the Bloody, Bloody wine!
Archived comments for Red Red Whine
HelenRussell on 28-04-2006
Red Red Whine
LOL
Wonderful humour!
Sarah

Author's Reply:
THanks, S. I should really try and get exasperated more often. Cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Zoya on 28-04-2006
Red Red Whine
Bloody nice humour...lol...

Author's Reply:
Bloody nice of you to say so, Z. A πŸ™‚

Hazy on 28-04-2006
Red Red Whine
Great! The repetition works well in this case, I think. And it's crying out to be read aloud!

Hazy x

Author's Reply:
Cheers, H. Glad you enjoyed the format. Not quite ready yet to put up a recording but Yep, it's meant to be whined aloud. Albert πŸ™‚

stolenbeauty on 28-04-2006
Red Red Whine
Haha, excellent, nice use of repetition! Well done
Stolen x

Author's Reply:
Glad you got a laugh, S. Thanks, Albert

shadow on 02-05-2006
Red Red Whine
Every cook has been here (except the TV ones but they're not real).
Spoken with true feeling - very funny.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the empathy, S. Am now managing to get it right 80% of the time so am a lot bloody happier. cheers Albert πŸ™‚


My Fairground Attraction (posted on: 24-04-06)
.

My Fairground Attraction ------------------------ Just me and you and tick and tock and thick and thin that's all I want and swings and roundabouts.
Archived comments for My Fairground Attraction
HelenRussell on 24-04-2006
My Fairground Attraction
How lovely.
Simple but heartfelt.
Sarah πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:

Romany on 24-04-2006
My Fairground Attraction
Simplicity itself! Lovely,
Romany.

Author's Reply:

glennie on 24-04-2006
My Fairground Attraction
Very short, very to the point. Great little read, Alb. Glen.

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 27-04-2006
My Fairground Attraction
This put me in mind of a mini-skirt, short and lovely. Nice one young Alber of mund fame.

s
u
n
k
e
n

sorry, unavailable in turquoise

Author's Reply:

Albermund on 27-04-2006
My Fairground Attraction
Thanks very much for commenting, folks. Glad you liked. cheers Albert πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:


Granny Smith (posted on: 21-04-06)
.

Granny Smith ------------- An apple glanced off Newton's head; if 'Granny Smith' he might have said :- "The Gravity of Time, me dears propels us ever faster; until we exit, burning up or embedded, six feet under."
Archived comments for Granny Smith
Sunken on 21-04-2006
Granny Smith
This is a strange little piece, and all the better for that. It put me in mind of a girl I once knew named Rebbecca. She was a strange little piece too, but I kinda liked her. As comments go, that was pretty bloody useless wasn't it? Thankfully, the poem wasn't. Nice one young Albermund.

s
u
n
k
e
n

sponsored by amstrad

Author's Reply:
Thank you, S. I'm glad it reminded you of Rebecca Strange. Hopefully both made perfect sense to you in the end. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚

HelenRussell on 22-04-2006
Granny Smith
I was just getting into the rythm of the first stanza and then it changed- not at all what I was expecting. The second stanza worked too- but not with the first, IMO.
Not necessarily a criticism, but the jury is still out for me. It's what comes of me being a libran, everything in perfect equilibrium- flippin annoying sometimes!
Guess that doesn't help you much.
Regards
Sarah


Author's Reply:
That's an interesting comment, S. Originally the second stanza was nothing like the rhythm of the first but at the last minute I changed to something much more like. (At least that's what I thought!?) I didn't want it to be exactly the same as the first stanza which is really like an introduction which could perhaps have been in italics or brackets. I'd love to know if others were put off by this so thanks a lot for feedback. Cheers, Albert.


Stupourman! (posted on: 07-04-06)
.

Stupourman! ------------- ENOUGH!! He flapped his wings and was gone... into the night The bitch black night The unfaithful bitch, black night He flew over the usual stuff; rooftops, church spires deserted shopping centres occasional cars, stragglers rag tagellers, disheveled revellers, marauding muggers, perverted buggers, underage huggers,cuckolding fuggers and cold cheating slags On and on ... Over fields and rivers Hills and dales On and on... till dawn The bitch beautiful dawn The unfaithful bitch, beautiful Dawn texted her sobbing shame, and begged him return with a merciful heart a pint of milk and a small brown loaf.
Archived comments for Stupourman!
red-dragon on 07-04-2006
Stupourman!
One of my all time faves of your, Albert. I hope it gets a great read and I vote it a ten. Ann

Author's Reply:
Always grand to get your approval, Red. Ta vry mch, Albert πŸ™‚

Kat on 07-04-2006
Stupourman!
Clever and expressive - I enjoyed this very much.

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked. K. cheers, Albert

Apolloneia on 07-04-2006
Stupourman!
Powerful

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting, A. cheers, Albert.

chrissy on 24-04-2006
Stupourman!
I liked this a lot, particularly the third verse. All those words sort of tumble and bubble when you read out loud as I always do.
Very well done.
chrissy

Author's Reply:
Thanks, C. I had great fun with this one, especially that bittie. Cheers, Albert πŸ™‚


Football 'Non' (posted on: 31-03-06)
.

Football 'Non' ------------ Fifteen love I loved her Fifteen love Fifteen all Her breasts were small But love was tall at Fifteen all Thirty love I lobbed her Thirty love Thirty all She's gone to seed We've babes to feed at Thirty all Forty love I smashed her Forty love Forty all She cried 'Abuse' And took the kids, I hit the juice at Forty all Advantage ... Yes, there are a few Now paint my nails all kinds of hue Can please myself with whom I screw Wear high heels, bra and panties too As high, court judge screams out my name It's a funny old game.
Archived comments for Football 'Non'
Romany on 31-03-2006
Football Non
Lol! Tennis? Ot the other? Clever analogy.
Romany.

Author's Reply:

Romany on 31-03-2006
Football Non
Lol! Tennis? Or the other? Clever analogy.
Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R, and for your second service. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Albermund on 02-04-2006
Football Non
Thanks, R, and for your second service. cheers, Albert πŸ˜‰

Author's Reply:

Jolen on 07-04-2006
Football Non
A clever and fun piece ......of writing, I mean. lol

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Thanks, J. Glad you enjoyed. Albert πŸ™‚


Message on a Bottle (posted on: 27-03-06)
.

Message on a Bottle ------------------- Radox ... Radox Muscle soak With ... Eucalyptus To open ... turn cap Quarter turn Then ... Lift off ... Lift off ... and unknot Radox ... Radox Muscle soak With ... Sodium Laureth Sulfate. In its secret ... blend Immerse yourself Then ... Unwind ... Unwind ... your tired mind Radox ... Radox Muscle soak With ... Methylchloroisothiazolinone. Let your aches ... subside After strenuous day Then ... Deep soak ... Deep soak ... in Tetrasodium EDTA. Radox ... Radork Sclumsle coke ? shlit! I shi nk ive slawolled shumm...
Archived comments for Message on a Bottle
Frenchy on 27-03-2006
Message on a Bottle
I needed a laugh and this did the trick nice one πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers, Frenchy. Albert πŸ™‚

Jolen on 07-04-2006
Message on a Bottle
LOL.. Thanks for the giggle.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Heh! Did you not mean 'gluggle'! Thanks a lot J. Albert πŸ™‚


Stupid Guy (posted on: 24-03-06)
.

Stupid Guy ---------- I saw him coming An apparition A rainbow of discord, head lolled like a bird with a broken neck he dragged a reluctant puppy foot He was gazing at the sky then the ground then the sky then the ground then the sky as his mouth talked in time with his tics to no-one and everyone ..saw on his chest a detailed diagram of his breakfast. As we passed, he exhorted unintelligibly. I sniggered and fell down a manhole.
Archived comments for Stupid Guy
Romany on 24-03-2006
Stupid Guy
Brilliant! Just brilliant! Pride before a fall, judgment etc. I love this.
Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks a lot, R. Can't expect a more encouraging comment than that. Cheers also for nominating and favouritising - a welcome first for both for me. :)) rgds Albert

ruadh on 25-03-2006
Stupid Guy
The ending tripped me up too *smile* Great stuff.

ailsa

Author's Reply:
Thks, A. Glad it made you smile. Amazingly, the only thing I broke was my pencil. πŸ˜‰
cheers, Albert.

Jolen on 07-04-2006
Stupid Guy
Absolutely !!!!! Great description within this excellent message.
blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:

Albermund on 08-04-2006
Stupid Guy
Cheers, J. Glad it hit the spot . rgds Albert


Author's Reply:

ThePhoenix on 02-05-2006
Stupid Guy
This is the first of your peices I have read and I think its great, I hope the rest of your work is as interesting. I like the repetition of his looking resulting in his fall. Its often said if your looking for something you will not find it. Thankyou d

Author's Reply:


The Hard Man (posted on: 20-03-06)
.

The Hard Man ------------- He reckoned after death there was nothing. He was afraid of nothing.
Archived comments for The Hard Man
Romany on 20-03-2006
The Hard Man
Oh very clever, very dark and I suspect very perceptive.
Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thanks, R. I'm always amazed at folks who appear comfortably resigned to absolute nothingness. My dad was one of them. Cheers, Albert.

red-dragon on 20-03-2006
The Hard Man
Yes, I consider this brief snapshot of philosophical thought quite amazing in its fundamental questioning of nothing. For that alone, I award it ten. Had you gone on to explore it further, I would then have subtraced points, Albert, for it would not have made its point quite so dramatically. Ann

Author's Reply:
Thanks, A. Glad it hit the spot. Cheers, Albert.

Macjoyce on 23-03-2006
The Hard Man
Clear, concise, to the point. A very witty conceit. Jolly good show, sir. Also, it's haiku-length.

Red-dragon and Shakespeare are right. Brevity is the soul of wit.

Macky J


Author's Reply:
Nice one, MJ.

cheers, Albert.

Jolen on 07-04-2006
The Hard Man
Very clever!!

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Ta, J. It's great when something comes to you out of the blue and saves you writing screeds! cheers Albert


Killing Time (posted on: 13-03-06)
.

Killing Time ------------ I could always shoot myself. No! It would be messy, and what if I sneezed, and blew out the wrong parts. And besides, I don't have a gun; but there's plenty of knives to slash and gouge to slit to plunge NO!! I have great coagulation, and anyways faint at the sight of blood; but there's always that rope in the garage Aaah... to leave this world in gentle swing, a swinger to the end, my friends, I sing... I'm off to brush my tongue I'm off to brush my tongue Ee-Aye-Addio I'm off to brush my tongue. NO!!!! Dammit! This is getting sick and so am I; A whisky sick Paracetamol sick Foul flavours ferment in this still of the night If they don't get here quick I could be in deep shite.
Archived comments for Killing Time
bluepootle on 15-03-2006
Killing Time
A good dose of black humour here - I like the rhythm, the playfulness with language. My initial thought would be to cut the 'No's but then I thought they would work so well read aloud. This really strikes me as a performance piece - maybe you should record an audio submission for it?

I enjoyed it. Particularly the rhyming 'deep shite'. For some reason that last line is really satisfying!

Author's Reply:
Thanks BP. Glad you got a smile. Would be grand to manage an audio version. In meantime must try and do more shite endings. Cheers Albert πŸ™‚

red-dragon on 15-03-2006
Killing Time
Hi and welcome to UKA, Mr Mundane!! A glorious entrance, if I may say - and I, too, read your last line with deep relish. Well done on the 'nib'. Ann

Author's Reply:
Nice one, Red. Delighted you enjoyed and thanks again for warm welcome. BTW, the nib - How/Who?!

cheers Albert. PS Has group got a FAQ?

red-dragon on 16-03-2006
Killing Time
'nib' = slang for Great Read, which is bestowed upon worthy additions to UKA, by nib fairy (unknown). The good and the great at UKA complie a list of all nibbed pieces for posterity.....

Author's Reply:


Trash (posted on: 03-03-06)
.

Trash -------- She came to him with tears in her eyes. He brushed them away with *All New* Tears-Brush-Away from Ronco. She clung to his comfort but could not hold on. She was trash to another and then she was gone. Later, he was stabbed through the heart with a K-Tel Jealous-Lover's-Revenge-Pal As Seen on CCTV.
Archived comments for Trash
Andrea on 03-03-2006
Trash
I kind of liked this, thought it was amusing - I do hope it was supposed to be! *Looks alarmed*.

Take no notice, Alber, everyone know I know nothing about poetry, so my opinion is totally worthless and should be ignored completely...

Welcome to UKA, though πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Glad it gave you a bit of smile, A. It *was* supposed to. Ta for the welcome. It's a bit depressing that you know nothing about poetry and that your opinion is useless but I'll fight on ... well, at least until they ask me for the Β£10. πŸ˜‰

Andrea on 04-03-2006
Trash
Oh dear, sorry, didn't, mean to depress you. But there are plenty of people her who know heaps about poetry, so hopefully some will pop in and cheer you up πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Cheers, A, but really, don't pay too much attention to me. I find it very difficult to be serious for more than a couple of stanzas. Your comments make me feel pretty optimistic about this place. Ta. πŸ™‚

woodbine on 05-03-2006
Trash
Hi Albermund,
Andrea doesn't write poetry , or at least she doesn't show it, but she's read a lot and knows what she likes and doesn't. Welcome to UKA where loads of poets come to play. I was amused and surprised by your poem as I was expecting from your pen name ssomething more sober. I hope you enjoy yourself here. If you like humourous poetry look out Bobblehat's page and Sunken's. I particularly like one called something like Evening Class Tutor and another called something like Careers Advice.

Good wishes, Woodbine/John

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting, J, and for the pointers. Funny stuff. Glad this amused.
All the best, A.

Bradene on 11-03-2006
Trash
Welcome To UKA Liked your poem it's unusual and entertaining look forward to reading more. Love Val x

Author's Reply:
Glad you liked, B, and Ta for welcome.

cheers

Albert