UKArchive ID: 27819Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3 by ChairmanWow
Originally published on June 29, 2012 in Poetry    

A short history of man-corn in the USA. Looming insolvency of the local, state, and federal governments has made the casual cannibal jokes take on a more anxious tone...

It sounds like the beginning of another morbid joke:
Cannibal eats homeless man's face. Just like
the one about Jeffery Dahmer walks
into a bar, orders a beer with a little head on it.
No one sees the horror latent just below the surface,
waiting to emerge when things get bad.
The fattest people in the history of earth
including the poor obese poor,
moving in ambling herds
between the malls and sports stadiums
like self-satisfied woolly mammoths who cannot imagine
any real danger until they are chased off the cliff
with fire, straight into the cooking pits.

Right from the beginning,
in the winter in Jamestown 1609,
was the Starving Time. "One ravenous man fell upon and ate his loving wife."
In high school history class the moving story of the stranded
Donner Party wagon-train from Springfield, Illinois,
the poignant funerals in the deep Sierra Nevada snow,
agreement that after singing
"We shall gather at the River"
the first to sneak back
at night could dig up the body.
The wise guy who sat behind me
interrupted class to recite a limerick he made up:
"Donner led
his friends out to find
new land freedom.
But instead he sat down to eat them."

Potatoes fried in melted Indian fat
from a burned down Creek Lodge;
Davy Crockett said he and his comrades
ate them until they nearly burst.
Mountain man Liver-Eating Johnson,
the real "Jeremiah Johnson,"
visualize buckskin-clad Robert Redford slicing open a Crow
Indian's gut and feasting on the raw liver in glorious technicolor!

In 1878 after another too-late-in-the-year-to-cross-the-mountain-pass
Alfred G Packer killed and ate: James Humphrey,
Frank "Reddy" Miller, George "California" Noon, Shannon Wilson Bell,
and Israel Swan.
The judge, a Democrat, spoke at the sentencing:
"When you came to Hinsdale County
there were seven democrats here. But you,
you man-eating son-of-a-bitch, you ate five of them!
I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you're dead! dead! dead!"
But Packer the Republican cannibal went to a higher court
and had his sentence reduced
to forty years. He got out early for good behavior,
became a vegetarian.
1968 the students at the University of Colorado named their cafeteria
the "Alfred Packer Memorial Grill." They hung up a sign that read:
"Have a friend for lunch!"

© ChairmanWow (chairmanwow on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 27819
Archived comments for Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Texasgreg on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
LOL, have a friend for lunch indeed!

Good Lord. I recall that during new-hire training we did an exercise on teamwork. We were to imagine that we were in a plane wreck and had a list of items salvaged we could use to survive. The items we could save were limited to a certain number. One man's idea to contribute was to simply kill and eat the weakest. No, he did not continue with the class.

You're doing some really good research and conveying it in such a fashion that a Texican can understand it.


Super stuff, Arizonabro!

Greg 🙂


Author's Reply:
You can't make this stuff up Greg. Sometimes i think real life has already written stuff for me.


niece on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
A morbid topic turned into good poetry...that itself is an amazing achievement...


Author's Reply:
Thanks for the great comment Niece.


amman on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Ralph. Morbid indeed. Graphic examples in this well written poem. Today, serial killing seems to be the new fashion. Heaven help us.

Author's Reply:
You got that right. Serial killers like Charlie Manson get tons of fan mail. it makes you wonder about the true nature of celebrity worship.


Andrea on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Crikey, I could see you spitting with disgust!

'...moving in ambling herds
between the malls and sports stadiums
like self-satisfied woolly mammoths who cannot imagine
any real danger until they are chased off the cliff
with fire, straight into the cooking pits...'
- lovely!

Eating five democrats musta given him dreadful indigestion 🙂

Fantastic stuff!

Author's Reply:
You're probably right Andrea. Maybe it's why he turned to vegetarianism after he got out of prison. Thanks for the perceptive comment and great rating.


cooky on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Interesting topic. In New Guinea the sailors they ate were called long pigs. So I guess we taste like pork. Good job it is still cheap to buy or we would all be at it.excellent write

Author's Reply:
Yes long pork. i once accidentally ate part of the inside of my jaw when the klutz of a dentist i had botched taking out some wisdom teeth. Tasted like raw hot dog.


franciman on 29-06-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Hi Ralph,

Wonderful change of voice. Superb use of anecdotal humour that raises both a smile and a hackle.

The proof of the pudding, as they say. Simply great verse.


Author's Reply:
Thanks for the great rating and the comment Jim. I will be taking a break from this subject matter for a while.


soman on 01-07-2012
Man-Corn In the Promised Land #3
Hello Ralph, read all 3 in one sitting. Wonderful satire indeed, congrats.

Cheers, Soman

Rated 9

Author's Reply:
Thanks for reading all three at one time. i would like the subject matter in each to have a different aspect that in combination gives a deeper insight to humanity involved in this subject matter. Appreciate the great rating.