UKArchive ID: 28314Presidential Smack-Down Round 3 by ChairmanWow
Originally published on October 1, 2012 in Poetry    

This is political satire. No deceased former American Presidents were harmed during the writing of this piece.

"From the Heart of Purgatory, we now re-join the 19th Century POTUS Maximus wrestling championship!"

Towering, brooding Abraham Lincoln
and the fire-haired
Andrew Jackson battled for hours.
Finally, the gaunt but wiry Jackson grappled
in close and with his file-sharpened teeth
bit off Lincoln's left ear.
Republican Lincoln power-surged
with a ferocious arm twisting,
tearing out Jackson's left arm,
proceeded to beat the Democrat
to the mat
with the bloody end of his own limb.
The referee stopped the match.
The judges, most of whom were
former U.S. Supreme Court judges,
ruled both contenders disqualified.

Amid the ugly chorus
of boos and catcalls that erupted
at the announcement,
Lincoln stood over the imploded
Southerner, pointed the bloody end
of Jackson's arm at the Judges.
"The judges have made their decision,"
Lincoln mocked the Tennessee accent
as he parodied President Jackson's
famous defiant pronouncement
to the Supreme Court, "now let
them enforce it!"

"Look what you did, Lincoln!"
the referee said, pointing
to the unconscious Jackson.
"This is the afterlife," Lincoln shouted back,
"He'll heal up quick enough."
The 16th American President
strutted across the ring,
raised his arms and Jackson's arm
high like he had been declared the winner
while the audience in the millions chanted,
"Lin-coln! Lin-coln! Lin-coln!"

The judges grew pale
at the audience's exponential anger,
reversed themselves,
and called the match for Lincoln.
Not even bothering
to acknowledge the judges reversal
Lincoln shouted, "Bring that 20th Century
sorry excuse for a Texican out here right now!
Everyone's gonna know
I'm the Top Buck at this watering hole!"

*     *        *          *

Lyndon Baines Johnson stood
before Abraham Lincoln in the ring
looking as humble as he did
in 1968 after Tet.
"I created the Great Society,
transformed America in the 20th
way more for the better
than you did in the 19th,"
Johnson tried to rabble-rouse.

"Both you and your policies
were about as useful to the country
as a pair of tits on a bull," Lincoln quipped.
He pointed to the words on Johnson's
tee-shirt: "'Guns and Butter'! What rot.
Dropping bombs on yellow men
half a world away that hadn't done
anything to the United States. I spent
blood and treasure like nobody before
or since to stop slothful cretins
from living
off the forced labor of other men
and you
turn around a hundred years later
and re-instate it all over again!"

"We do what we must," Johnson said plaintively,
perspiration heavy on his brow.
Oh lordy, he thought. The Lincoln
that stood before him, white streaks
in his brown hair and beard
like Moses
come down from the mountain,
blood-stained bandanna around
his head to bandage his ear,
was not the man from the old photos.
How he died had changed him.
His eyes, his terrible dark penetrating eyes
see everything, communicate every brutal truth.

Not knowing what else to do,
Johnson attacked. Lincoln threw
him to the mat so hard
he went semi-conscious.
Abraham picked him up,
cradled him in his arms
like a son about to be sacrificed,
tossed him up high into the air
spinning like a chicken on a spit.
The Great Emancipator knelt down,
his long gangly knee waited
for Johnson's back which hit
hard, breaking. Johnson gasped,
"We do what we must!" and blacked out.

© ChairmanWow (chairmanwow on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 28314
Archived comments for Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
roger303 on 01-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
Excellent piece. Informative and thought provoking.
Cleverly crafted - the old champs come-back in the wrestling ring to set a few things straight was brilliant.
Perhaps history should be taught this way?

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the comment Roger. Perhaps history could be taught as a wrestling match of politicians, cultures, maybe even philosophies.


Weefatfella on 01-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
My Knowledge of U.S. politics is very limited but I agree with Roger303. This Gladitorial Arena and it's participants had me hooked.
Maybe a TV thing here?
Much enjoyed Wow.
Thank You for sharing

Author's Reply:
Interesting comment. Maybe it could be a comedy skit on a sketch TV show.


franciman on 01-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
Hi there,
This is incredible. Satirical verse at its absolute best.
I love this: 'His eyes, his terrible dark penetrating eyes
see everything, communicate every brutal truth. '

I found this atmospheric, totally absorbing and I read it again almost straight away.

Author's Reply:
I appreciate greatly your perceptive comment.


Andrea on 01-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
Absolutely brilliant.

All I can say about the next one is that I sincerely hope it isn't Romney, or we're all...

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the great comment Andrea. Is there an election going on or something in the US? Seems like a lot of advertisements i keep turning the sound off pop up on my TV. Like the doomed bit.


CVaughan on 01-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3

Oh yes agree with other comments, this is a terrific piece, must catch up on the previous. Great fun and seriousness, some nuances sadly beyond my historical US knowledge, enjoyable nonetheless. Frank

Author's Reply:
Thanks Frank. Try to stay out of the American wees but it is what i know... Glad you had fun reading it.


Vilgax on 02-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
Got to say I enjoyed this piece very much. David

Author's Reply:
Thanks David.


Pelequin23 on 02-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
incredably intellegent satire well done

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the comment and the great rating.


stormwolf on 02-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
You're the man!


Alison x

Author's Reply:
That's right! Thanks for the comment.


amman on 03-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
Great satire indeed. Loved it. Small typo - lose an 's' outa Mosses.

Author's Reply:
Hey thanks Tony. Can't trust those spell checkers around Old Testament names.


Ionicus on 04-10-2012
Presidential Smack-Down Round 3
I must confess my ignorance of U.S. history and political controversies but this piece is quite impressive and informative.
Well done Ralph.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi. It is a disgrace that many living in the US know absolutely nothing about their own history let alone the history of anyone else. Glad you enjoyed it.