UKArchive ID: 25730Fitbin
Originally published on December 10, 2010 in Poetry
An exploration of evocation. Wandering through my mind's eye. All technical feedback is encouraged and very welcome. I am seeking comments on writing technique rather than on the perceived mental state of the author 🙂
Now the honeymoon is finally over, the sweet suffering can begin in earnest.
The last Ddraig Goch flew over the bleeding rainbow.
As a weeping Shiro Ikkakujuu sang a lonely lament.
Hunted by a Gvnigeyona, pursued up trees and through gushing streams.
While packs of Brown Lycans watch and feed on each other's memories.
Sacked by unpopular consent, the saviour becomes the scapegoat.
A Royal wedding to conjoin the twin houses of deception and deceit.
Mythology out of control and writing it's own tormented legend.
Aching bones crumbling into dust, that the lepers breathe in forever.
You believe the lies that taste sickly sweet, cleaving your mind neatly asunder.
And so where to now?
When the hiding places are all gone.
No sanctuary to seek or solace to be found.
Every back has been turned and avenue blocked.
Do not weep for the dying horizon, but rejoice in eternal bondage.
Archived comments for Ghostly Canon
Nomenklatura on 10-12-2010
Hmm... I'm sure the language is deliberately in a 'historical' style, (it's neatly done by the way) and that, in stanza two "saccharin"(e?) and "junkies can toke" are deliberately meant to jar with this. However, it actually detracts from your poem, for me. This, of course, is a personal view, which you are quite entitled to - or probably should - reject.
I agree totally, those lines didn't fit the rest of the theme.
I've done a small edit and prefer the result.
Thanks for helping out.
Nomenklatura on 10-12-2010
I'm dreadfully sorry, but following my advice seems to have disrupted the rhythm of your piece somewhat. Also, if you look at the rest of your poem, the lines dispense with conjunctions like 'and' and 'that' which makes them a little more dynamic, if you see what I mean.
Thanks for looking again, I think it does need more editing to clarify the meaning.
pdemitchell on 10-12-2010
Hi sir fit of bin - it's good to see Ewan dispensing a tidy bit of tech-crit and the edits improve. For me, the series of myth-nods seem disjointed making the piece read like a list of poem-titles or seeds rather than a cohesive whole but as you said, it's an exercise in evocation. PS 'Y' in Welsh means 'the' so you should delete it before the red dragon or you have 'and the last the red dragon' and breathe rather than breath in line 9.
Dagnabbit - it's near-impossible to crit this effectively as the lines do not seem connected to each other (what has a honeymoon got to do with a dragon? Shiro to lepers? etc etc) and the last stanza is completely disconnected in format from the other two. There are some nice lines and moves in there but this feels like the starting point of a dozen awesome poems but not this one. Sorry. Mitch 🙂
I am in agreement.
Although the links do make sense to me on a personal level, I need to explain the connections to the reader so it doesn't appear nonsensical.
This is very rough which I like, but I do want to improve and refine my approach.
Ionicus on 11-12-2010
Fitbin, I see that you seek comments on the writing technique above all. There are good lines and ideas even though disjointed, as it has already been pointed out. For me the punctuation is a bit awry: you could have used commas instead of full stops in many instances.
Deception and deceit sound a bit tautologous. In my opinion it is an experimental piece which needs some re-working to make it more coherent. The links betweem mythology and reality need to be clarified. I hope that this is the kind of feedback you asked for.
Hi, yes this is exactly the sort of feedback I wanted.
I do agree as well, it is very vague which is an effect I wanted,
but I do also want it to make some sense and be accessible.
teifii on 17-12-2010
The grammatical faults put me off [but I admit to being a bit of a fanatic in such matters. However, apart from that I'm afraid I simply didn't understand what the poem was getting at. Being also fascinated by mythology, I started out with great interest but the only mythological reference that rang a bell was the draig goch. Clearly I need to extend the range of my reading of mythology. Intriguing anyway.
thanks for commenting, could you elaborate on the grammatical faults,
that would be really helpful.
The meaning is quite personal, dealing with the honeymoon of a new relationship being romantic, fantastic and ethereal.
But the grim reality lurks in the shadows and chases the dream like a mythical beast.