UKArchive



UKArchive ID: 26407Phere by Fitbin
Originally published on June 17, 2011 in Poetry

Please read and analyse this piece of work, Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.



Sayonara suicide
A broken code for a masked terrorist
The ultra-green monarch taps her virtual crown
False flag protests, obscure the prophet’s whispers.

A fetish for broken tables and amputees
Lied to by the news and the politicians
Conspiring to plan for the end of the world
Lifting the limelight veil of reality’s illusory bluff.

Smiling as the star becomes a dark cloud
Watching the bodies under the stairs decay
Dissecting the jade gardens beauty until only ugliness remains
Forgetting for a moment that you are utterly alone.

Evocation of exemption, aloof and distant
Like a mercurial, murdering stranger
Drifting through the fog on an empty, moonless night
Gliding on a half-remembered, emerald dream.

Startling realisation, then a fleeting instance of clarity
You are sane, but the world itself has gone perversely mad
Time is weighed down by gravity and verdigris sadness
Echoes repeating forever, as blood weeps from the stone.

© Fitbin (fitbin on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 26407
Archived comments for Phere
franciman on 17-06-2011
Phere


Author's Reply:

franciman on 17-06-2011
Phere
Hi there,
I'm not such a great authority, especially with poetry, but.......
I really like some of the imagery. On the other hand I find some of it too clever and that is because there is too much imagery IMHO. There has to be enough language in the verse to give it direction, and your verse does lack direction and structure. I don't know what it is about? Sorry to sound so negative, I normally only comment on pieces that really attract me, but as you asked for analysis I felt I would oblige.
Cheers,
Jim

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 17-06-2011
Phere
Blimey!
I am usually not one for this kind of poetry but as it sometimes comes to me too and I have to read it back to decipher it myself I will give it a go.

I find that for once I can understand this and further than that can identify with it too. If I do not understand it word for word I do get the feeling and the depth in what it talks of to me at least.
I see the world as it is...the brokenness and the verdigris and decay. The "false flag protests" do indeed obscure the prophets whispers.

Smiling as the star becomes a dark cloud
Watching the bodies under the stairs decay
Dissecting the jade gardens beauty until only ugliness remains
Forgetting for a moment that you are utterly alone.

The stars are becoming occluded metaphorically and literally and the day of the red moon is upon us as witnessed only the other day by the lunar eclipse, highlighted by the volcanic ash but having so much deeper significance esoterically.

The jade garden's beauty speaks to me of Japan and the recent dreadful destruction there while

Drifting through the fog on an empty, moonless night
Gliding on a half-remembered, emerald dream.

speaks to me at least of the beauty in the world of nature (emerald green) which is being ruthlessly destroyed by man's greed.

Startling realization, then a fleeting instance of clarity
You are sane, but the world itself has gone perversely mad
Time is weighed down by gravity and verdigris sadness
Echoes repeating forever, as blood weeps from the stone.

The last verse is incredible and speaks to me profoundly especially lines 2 and 3.
Just great esoteric poetry capturing what many of us see and feel.
Alison x

Author's Reply:

franciman on 17-06-2011
Phere
Hi Michael,

As I said in my last comment, I'm not really that strong on poetry. So when I see Alison, who is a poet I admire, giving such fulsome praise, I need to rethink my analysis. I obviously didn't get your message in this piece, and that maybe says more about me than it does about your poetry. Please disregard the advice in my comment, sufficient to say It didn't move me as a lay reader.

All the best,
Jim (the humble pie eater!)

Author's Reply:
Hi Jim,

genuine thanks for your comment,
I do agree that it is overloaded with imagery and that can be detrimental to taking it all in and appreciating it.
The kind of response and feeling I want to provoke is one of confusion and leaving of comfort zones, so attempting to make the reader analyse and interpret in a different way helps lead to this.
Cheers

e-griff on 18-06-2011
Phere
i think too much imagery. It's lovely, but I think a poem has to be based, somewhere, in reality, even just a touch base thing. too much generalisation isn't a lure for readers. we need 'hooks' , snippets of the real, to snag us and involve us.

Also, to be a bit cheeky, I think Jim (Franciman) 's first comment would be true for many. I don't think he needs to feel abashed by other comments, or apologise. Always say it as you feel - the world is full of different viewpoints (thank god) that's how we learn.

Advice? I'd say ground the poem in reality and concrete viewpoint before flighting the imagination, if you understand me.

very best JOhnG

Author's Reply:
Hi,

yes, it is a fine balance to tread.
I want to convey a sense of disconnect and a view of a kind of impersonal consciousness.
But to make an emotional impact on the reader these notions do need to be relevant and recognisable.
Useful things for me to think about and try to incorporate.
Many thanks
Michael

stormwolf on 18-06-2011
Phere
Hi again Fitbin 😉
I also feel that Jim's assessment was very good actually and also very honest. I usually do not enjoy poetry like this as anything that is hard to understand and full of too much imagery is too hard work and I tend to ignore it.
The reason why I liked this was because on this occasion I did understand it or maybe gave my own interpretation which made sense to me but may be widely off the mark of the intended by the poet himself. I think it's really good to get a wide range of opinions and hope that Jim realizes that his comment was probably more helpful than mine which was more from the one person's perspective. That is probably all as clear as mud now! lol Alison x

Author's Reply:
Wow,
thanks so much for taking the time to respond.
I am so glad you found some interesting meaning.
I think the way I write is to let recent influences flow in and out of the stream of ideas.
So your interpretations are valid on many levels.
Regards
Michael