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UKArchive ID: 14121A USEFUL BODY by chrisk
Originally published on October 31, 2005 in Faction    

The writing part of my brain was asleep until a week ago. Then I was presented with an e mail from 'soman' who in turn was given this by a friend Jayprakash from Kottakal, Kerala, India. I know all about the respect etc., to be shown to the dead. However this is based on a true incident, could be incidents, as there are many Keralites working in the middle east, tens of thousands, in fact. names and places have been changed to avoid a murder, ya mine!



A USEFUL BODY
By C R Krishnan


A family in Thrissur, a small town in Kerala was very happy (in a sad way) when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from one of the Middle Eastern countries (there are quite a few Keralites working in these regions). When the coffin was opened they found a letter on top of the inner coffin, which of course was hermetically sealed to keep the body fresh. It read as follows:

Dear brothers and sisters,
‘How are you? How was the Thrissur Pooram? (A Hindu festival). Did it rain as usual? Which temple had the best-decorated elephants? Did they trample on any one? Did any one get blown to pieces during the fireworks display?
I am attaching herewith our mother’s body as it was her wish that she should be cremated and her ashes immersed in Bharatha Puzha (a river in Kerala) so that she can get to heaven to be with her husband, our father. (I told her that there is no guarantee that father will be there, as its quite possible he could be in the other place!)’

Before continuing to read the letter further, the inner coffin was opened which revealed a body tightly packed with many goodies. The letter continued…

‘ Sorry I could not come along as there is going to be a review of the nurses' salary and if I am not here I may not be entitled to it as I will not be able to entertain the Hospital Administrator in my house. He is the one who decides who gets what. He is like an uncle to me and he is always giving me cuddles and tells me that I am his favourite niece. He also kisses me whenever he cuddles me and tells me that I smell very nice especially when I have had a bath using perfumed coconut oil. Well, enough about the uncle.’
‘Under mother’s body there are 12 packets of cheese, 12 bars of chocolates, some dark and some milk, which you may kindly divide among all of you. Make sure the milk ones are given to Ammu, as it is softer in texture and will not displace her new dentures. On either side of her head there are tins of sainsbury’s wild salmon, forget the dents, and the sale by date, as I got it on offer from the shop. The tins in good condition and with the latest dates are very expensive.’
‘On mother's feet there are two pairs of trainers (size8) for Raju. There are also on either side of her feet, two more pairs of size 7 and 10 for the other boys. I do hope the sizes fit or I am in shit! Mother is wearing 6 marks & Spencer T shirts. The large size is for Raju and the others for Vijay and Ramu. She is also wearing 6 wonder bras and a dozen or so Tesco panties. Mother is also wearing a couple of incontinent panties not only to protect the items mentioned but also to make sure that she feels comfortable in case she wets herself, or you know what, during the long journey. Just distribute them fairly as I do not want any complaints when I visit you next year.’
‘The two jeans, Levis brand seconds, which mother is wearing are for the boys. The legs on the pairs on each of the jeans are of slightly different lengths, what do you expect, as they are seconds slightly imperfect. The local tailor can easily do it for you and please don’t ask me any money for the tailor. That’s your problem. The watch on mother’s left wrist is for uncle Krishnan and the one on the right is for his wife. Its not ladies', so what? She has very thick wrists like a man’s. There are also various jewelleries on her ears and ankles and fingers and neck and all these you can take and distribute to any one you like, except Sarojini as she is a bitch. I don’t like her as she commented on my hair colouring and said that she could still see some grey hairs.

‘The three white and the three coloured socks are for the boys and girls for wearing with their uniform. I have chosen red for Janaky’s daughter to match with her green uniform skirt. I am also squeezing on the sides of mothers’ body 25 envelopes, which contain letters to my friends. Please do not try and steam it open or anything as it contains nothing but letters. They contain no money, I swear upon Lord Shiva.’

‘Since there are no more spaces left, and to make mother comfortable in her journey I am not putting anymore in. You must be happy with what I have sent you and if you still want more, its just tough. It will be a long time before I get to send you another body.’

‘Rest in person’.

Sharada














© chrisk (chrisk on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 14121
Archived comments for A USEFUL BODY
niece on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Hey Chrisk,
That's quite mean!.....but also very funny...! Good one. Can't deny that there is a ring of truth in this one...
Regds,niece

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Hey Niece
Blame 'soman'. He is the one giving me these ideas. I only elaborated on what he sent me. I feel a bit uneasy as I suspect some one will be waiting for me at Kochi Airport to assassinate me!
Thank u for ur kind comments
chrisk

Author's Reply:

e-griff on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Excellent!

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
JOhng
Thank u. I am very happy to see that you liked it.
One day soon u might get to edit it! That worries me, Lol.
Chris

Author's Reply:

Apolloneia on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Read it earlier this one and made me smile 🙂 :)) 🙂 Well written!

Author's Reply:

Apolloneia on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
I love macabre humour btw.

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 31-10-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Nicoletta,
I was groping in the dark, I have been suffering from the 'bloc' for some time now. Then this e mail landed in my comp, kindly send by 'soman'.
Thank u for liking it.
Love to u
Chris

Author's Reply:
Nic, should read' sent' by soman!
Chris

soman on 01-11-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Chrisk,

Dont shoot me please, I'm only a messenger; it was Jayaprakash who done it (and he is a messenger too).

I'm now scared to walk on the main roads in case some 'Gulfwallah' on a mobike or car spots me and decides that I am a fit case to be run over, LOL!

All the same, I knew you were the one ideally suited to repackage all those goodies embedded in the coffin. Congrats!

Soman

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 01-11-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Soman
Well, I am grateful to you really.
It lifted me out of that 'bloc cloud' and I think I will be flying around for a while!
Thanks,
Chrisk

Author's Reply:

Kat on 02-11-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Hi chrisk

What a read - very visual - great stuff!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 05-11-2005
A USEFUL BODY
Kat Hi
Thank you for your kind comments. I know its a bit unusual to write about or mock the dead in this way, but then we are mere writers!
chrisk


Author's Reply: