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UKArchive ID: 15767Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert by chrisk
Originally published on March 17, 2006 in Fiction    

This is based on an e -mail I had from a friend in India. Alas, the author of the original idea is unknown. Wherever you are sir/madam, I thank you. India is the country of my birth. I know that unlike many other countries, we are allowed to laugh at ourselves. We also like to speak and write English in our language.



Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert

By C R Krishnan


I am an older uncle living only with myself in Thrissur, Kerala, India.
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Kerala State and I am six foot tall and two inches short.
You may think that its very short for a six foot man but don’t worry my body is filled out with hardness
as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and am a good batter and I am a fast baller too. Whenever I come running in for balling with my balls, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot, especially when I am running.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at every one. I am jolly brown giant, ho ho ho!
I am very gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft when I am near them. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That’s how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gymkhana and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. When you are with me we can pump together. Come and see me and see how much I am pumping all the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants are always open for you. I am such a nice man but still I am living and playing with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things in my own hands every day. That is why I am pressing on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things in your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hardly every day, in fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam, and not coming to me I will press you and press on you hard until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope through a jungle of obstacles. It looks very dark and cloudy up there and hope it does not rain on me.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon.
Your future husband, yours and only yours,

Kundappan Nair ( call me ‘Kundi’ -every one else does--meaning arse hole in my language--but who cares, as anything coming out of your mouth must be sweet, my future lovely bride.)


© chrisk (chrisk on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 15767
Archived comments for Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
niece on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
I am only thinking that you should not be making fun of your own country cousins sitting in the United Kingdom...if people like you do this, what is becoming of other people from other countries...very badt!
Actually, very good...Chrisk...with a touch of your own genius, you've come out with a masterpiece.
Regds,
niece

Author's Reply:
Niece
Well atleast an Indian appreciating it is good news. No 'fatwa' on me then? lol

Romany on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Lol! What a catch! Very cleverly and comically done. Brilliant!
Romany.

Author's Reply:
Romany
Thanks. I added a little spice here and there to make it more interesting for the European lot, thats all.
chrisk

Apolloneia on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
This is hilarious! One of my favourite funny lines (it's full of funny lines by the way) is:
"I am very gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft when I am near them. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That’s how nice I am."
rofl.
Loved it!
😉
love
nic.

Author's Reply:
Nicoletts
Its sweet of you. Then you always liked my funny stories. Will try and post more like this. I may get murdered in the process, but what the hell , If I am making people like you happy? Thanks for the 9.
Love
chrisk

red-dragon on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Well, nobody else could probably get away with this, so well done -am I allowed to say it made me smile? I do have several similar examples of 'English' as written by the 'English'! Ann

Author's Reply:
Hi RD
If I can make one person happy then I am rewarded. Why don't you post some of the examples of English written by English? I would love to see some, and many others here, I am sure.
Regards
chrisk

Andrea on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Oh strewth, oh Gawd...

*wipes away tears of mirth*

Author's Reply:
Andrea
I am pleased to see your comments. If I have made you happy then i am happy.
Love to u
chrisk

shadow on 17-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
This is fantastic. How could I get in touch with this gentleman?

Author's Reply:
You want to touch me madam? I must assure you that i am no gentleman. If you still want to touch me thats your problem.
Well shadow, thanks for liking it.
Regards
chrisk

Jen_Christabel on 18-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Hilarious Chris, and a ten from me :o)
Jennifer :o)

Author's Reply:
Jen
Thanks a lot for the 10. It was fun writing it. Very rewarding.
Chrisk

Kat on 19-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Wonderful - thoroughly enjoyed it, chrisk!

Kat :o)

Author's Reply:
Kat
Thanks a lot. Glad you enjoyed it.
Regards
Chrisk

Gerry on 19-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Chrisk, the last time I was in India I read a quote in the Times. 'my friend is so crooked he could hide in the Shadow of a corkscrew' I just loved reading the way Indians write English--good stuff.


Author's Reply:
Gerry
Lol, thats a good one!
Thanks a lot mate.
chrisk

Jolen on 19-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
LOL. This had me laughing all the way through, but the ending just killed me. I love it!

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Jolen
Well, I made it a little bit more spicy, thats all.
Thanks a lot and am pleased that you liked it.

teifii on 21-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Hilarious. You just made my day and from now on you are likely to be the exception to my reading only poetry here.
Daff

Author's Reply:
teifii
Thats very nice of you, and I am flattered. I wish I could write poems like some people here. Having said that I have a couple of funny ones on the site ( and a sad one),
Regards
chrisk

RDLarson on 22-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
This knocks me out. I use to live in a large Indian population and sometimes US slang made for the most odd problems. One older man put his motor home on "cruise" and went back to be(!) with his wife. They found them minutes later on a rural road in the ditch; no one was hurt but they were both naked. This is great fun. A gentle poke.

Author's Reply:
RDL
Thats very funny, Lol.
I better compile another one then.
I am grateful.
chrisk

chrisk on 22-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
RDL
Thanks for the 10! Wow!
chrisk

Author's Reply:

wfgray on 22-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
I just couldn't stop laughing at this letter. I wonder if there was a reply to this letter. Brilliant

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the 10 my friend. It would be very difficult to follow this, thats the problem.
I will work on a reply.
Regards
chrisk

woodbine on 22-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Hi Chrisk,
I always enjoy your readings at UKA Live gigs. After this I can't help wondering if you are not Peter Sellars in brown make-up. Very funny.
Nicely done.
John

Author's Reply:
John
Thanks mate. I have enjoyed your readings too.
I remember Peter Sellers in that film with Sophia Loren. Hilarious it was.
Regards
Chrisk

thehaven on 22-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
What can I add to the above.Brilliant .Charlotte has also read it and tears are running down her face and says sorry for not replying to the advert,

Mike

Author's Reply:
Mike mate
Thank you for your kind comments. I am trying to work out a reply but its gonna be tough.
Regards to Charlotte and yourself.
chrisk

soman on 24-03-2006
Reply to an Indian Matrimonial Advert
Man. is it phair phor you to make phun oph us poor Indians?

Iam still crying from lauphing.


Soman

Author's Reply: