UKArchive



UKArchive ID: 8395THE ESKIMO TRICK by chrisk
Originally published on September 6, 2004 in Fiction    

I told this to Ian Holt my buddy (Ish) some two years ago and forgot about it. Last week when we were having a drink in our local Ian asked me whether Frankie has solved his love problem.



THE ESKIMO TRICK
C R Krishnan (with a lot of help from Ian Holt)


Frankie approached me with a problem.
At the ripe old age of thirty-eight, after many years of searching, he has finally found a woman. The fact that she is fifty-two and rather plain does not bother him - he says. He also reminded me that I told him once that when the lights are out all women are same. So I told him I couldn’t remember telling him that. He swore on his living mother that I did.
So I asked him what the problem is and to say it quickly as right then I was fed up. My wife was staying with my son some thirty miles away and I was not looking forward to spending the weekend alone eating warmed-up take away food.
He took a deep breath and said ‘Can you help me with a personal problem?’
I said ‘Frankie, please. Spell it out quickly as I got to go and get a bottle of whisky before the off licence people close.’
He hurried out leaving me flabbergasted. When he came back a short while later he had a bottle of the cheapest whisky, which I will not drink, in normal circumstances.
Right then circumstances were not normal as he was after my blood. Okay I am exaggerating; he was bothering me, making me unhappy. A pain in my arse.
I took a swig of the whisky and asked him what the problem was.
‘I want to make love to my girl friend. Can you help me?’
I said, very quickly, ‘No! Definitely not! I really can’t!’
‘But you don’t understand, Chris mate. I have a problem.’
‘What sort of problem?’
‘I can’t - you know - do it.’
‘Do what?’ said I, mystified.
‘You know -.’ I have an erective malfunction. As he said he gave a sort of dancing motion, backwards and forwards.
I suddenly realised what he was on about, and tried to keep a straight face. ‘That sort of thing is a very complicated medical condition and I simply cannot help you, Frankie. You need to see your Doctor.’
He sat there looking at me. I took another swig of the cheap rubbish he bought me. But he continued looking at me with pleading eyes like a dog waiting for his chocolate treats.
So - just for the benefit of you readers - I was in a wicked mood. So I told him it’s to do with his genitals. ‘You have to stimulate them by dipping them in cold and warm water to get the sperms awake. Like the Eskimos do when they want to make love. They get two bowls of water, one cold, one very warm. You have to dip your jewels in each bowl of water alternately. Understand?’ Frankie nodded. ‘You then boil two eggs, again following the example of Eskimos. Boil them hard and eat them, one when you’ve dried off, and another one a minute later. Each egg you eat strengthens your balls, one after the other.’
Frankie looked at me hard. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘Not at all. I’m dead serious.’ I was trying desperately hard to keep a straight face.
He thanked me and went away. I took another swig of the cheap whisky, and went to the kitchen to warm up a semi-cold take away for my dinner.
The next day there was a knock at my door. It was Frankie. He was walking very gingerly and grimacing with pain. I asked him what the matter was.
‘I tried your Eskimo method last night. I scalded me balls. You did say one bowl of cold water and one of very hot water?’
‘No! I said one cold and one very warm. Not boiling hot. You idiot!’ I had great difficulty controlling myself. After I had pulled myself together I suggested he go to my bathroom and apply some petroleum jelly and I also tell him it’s in a see through jar and yellow in colour.
After 5 minutes I heard him give a big groan. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘It hurts even more.’
I went into the bathroom and inspected the bottle he used - and its not petroleum jelly. It’s Tiger Balm, a Chinese remedy for headaches and it’s ten times stronger than Vicks Vaporoub! ‘You picked up the wrong bottle, the second time!'
He said he didn’t understand what I was talking about and walks away still groaning and holding his balls.
I took another swig of this not-so-bad whisky. It’s going to be a peaceful night for me, but not for Frankie!
The next day Frankie was back. He seemed to moving a bit more easily. ‘I got a bone to pick with you.’ he said. ‘The bloke what lives next door to me told me that Eskimos don’t have chickens as it’s too cold where they live. So where do they get the eggs from?’
I was thinking hard. ‘Of course they don’t have chickens,’ I said playing for time, ‘Like you said it’s too cold for chickens in the Arctic regions.’
‘So where do they get the eggs from then?’ He seemed quite threatening. And despite being an idiot, he is quite big.
‘It’s quite simple’, I said, ‘Penguins.’
‘Oh, yeh’ he said.


© chrisk (chrisk on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 8395
Archived comments for THE ESKIMO TRICK
Bradene on 2004-09-06 13:39:59
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Chrisk in spite of that sexist bit right at the beginning, it almost put me off reading further, i thought this was the funniest thing I've read for a long time. Thanks for that I was in dire need of a good laugh. Val x

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-06 13:54:30
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Val
It wasn't meant to be a sexist remark. I was simply quoting a French saying about plain woman which is not very fair but who r we to judge? We r mere writers, LOl
I am glad u enjoyed it. I was reading your poem about ur daughter and it was so beautifully sad. My cousin from India 'soman' who wrote cindarella 2001 was telling me how much it moved him
Chris.

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-06 13:59:29
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Val
Thank u for the ten! WOW.

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-09-06 14:00:10
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Chrisk you are sweet I was only pulling your leg love I'm not one of those womens lib types really I'm not.. I love being a woman and thanks for reading my poem. I've just met your cousin, now I'm off to read his story. Bye now love Val x

Author's Reply:

thehaven on 2004-09-06 16:05:05
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Chris this is very funny and those penguin eggs are very tasty or should that be teste.



Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-06 16:12:52
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Tasty? I have never tried it LOl For Frankie defenitely teste!
Thank u
Chris

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-06 16:12:54
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Tasty? I have never tried it LOl For Frankie defenitely teste!
Thank u
Chris

Author's Reply:

ritawrites on 2004-09-07 07:55:05
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
chris – this is a riot! Hilarious! I giggled all the way -- as for 'sexist' stuff -- well, like they say -- you can't distinguish one man from another in the night after the lights are out, so there! -- Anyway, hope you have a few of these for October when we meet up – you ARE coming down here aren’t you?

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-07 09:17:48
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Rita
Thank u. Thats the kind of response I want. U hit it on the nail and pushed it all the way down. I believe in equality, I was only telling that to my wife the other say when she was polishing my shoes! (Joking) She will not do that but I have polished hers, honest Rita. Why don't u meet me half way in B'lore? I am suggesting the same to Gouri who is in Orissa, close for a Bengali girl I suppose.
Love to u
Chris

Author's Reply:

chrisk on 2004-09-07 09:24:22
Re: THE ESKIMO TRICK
Rita
I meant Pune for Gouri, not too far is it?
C

Author's Reply: