UKArchive ID: 36216Life in the Dark Star by harry
Originally published on February 12, 2016 in General

If you've got to go, this is the way to go ...

Life in the Dark Star

Harry Buschman

Well, Professor Leoncavallo is gone now and none of us are surprised. Everyone knew that little piece of dark star material would be the end of him.

"You can't fool with mother nature."

The entire crew of the Einstein School of Celestial Studies flew by private jet to Ecuador when the professor received the exciting news concerning a small piece of "Black Hole" material had been discovered by a primitive tribe in the almost inaccessible jungle of Ecuador. The natives didn't know the little nugget was part of a black hole, but Professor Leoncavallo was sure it was. He had witnessed an interstellar explosion in the vicinity of Coma Berenice only a week before, and since time and space are no hindrance to the inter-stellar travel of black holes he expected a sample of it might reach the solar system – and possibly find its way here.

Of course it had enormous magnetic properties. It swallowed up everything. Within a week the natives declared it was sacred until they ran out of virgins. They were sacrificing one a day to their new God. They called it Vakuoom – which it was in a way. That first week they lost their medicine man too, he shook has magic stick at it and the tribal chieftain witnessed his long time friend and advisor sucked into the black hole in a flash, and later, he remarked with a sly smile, ”He is with the virgins."

The professor was a little more careful than that. He rigged up a device to hold his wristwatch and a camera. The camera was set at its fastest speed and he fired off a shot just as his watch disappeared into the vortex of this mighty force of nature. The picture revealed the whirling, corkscrew effect of the black hole, (a pattern of behavior he also predicted.) "A tvistink und a skvirmink." he explained. "Like a boa constrictor mit a pig svallowed haff way down." Celestial science can only really be explained and understood by the experts.

The Einstein School of Celestial Studies decided upon a bold and unique plan to contain this precious chunk of dark matter. A container of solid lead would be lowered by a giant boom controlled by the Dean from afar. He would be guided by signals from Professor Leoncavallo himself as he sat astride the container. “Lead,” the Professor sagely predicted, was “uniquely impervious to dark hole matter.”

Two things went wrong.

The Dean was clumsy and the Professor's prediction was incorrect. As the entire contraption disappeared into the insatiable maw of the dark star the old tribal chieftain was heard to remark, "They are with the virgins." ... which, when you come to think of it, is not a bad place to be when confronted with the unexplainable.

© harry (harry on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 36216
Archived comments for Life in the Dark Star
shadow on 12-02-2016
Life in the Dark Star
Very funny - and topical! Made me smile anyway, though the thought of scientists messing with black holes sent a shiver down my spine. Still, it couldn't happen - could it?

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ParsonThru on 13-02-2016
Life in the Dark Star
Made me smile. Thank you. Nice to read some solid science. 🙂

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