UKArchive



UKArchive ID: 3842New Woman by thegeeza
Originally published on December 12, 2003 in Fiction

A woman is born.

This is the result of Leah's (Dancing Queen) challenge given out at the UKA Meeting on November 29th.
We picked three words at random from a pile.
The three words that inspired this story are "child", "woods" and "love".









TheGeeza


‘He’ll be there,’ said Leah.



‘Who will?’



‘You knooooow!’



Samantha was bending over, searching through her drawers. She closed them, making the large array of lipsticks and make-up items on the top wobble. She stood up. ‘No?’



Leah smiled. ‘Colin! Colin will be there. He likes you.’



Sam smiled. ‘I know. So what?’



‘Sooooo? So what you gonna do?’



Sam smacked her lips together and looked in the mirror. ‘Nuffink. Why should I?’





***




‘She’s bang up for it, int she?’



‘Yeah, man.’



‘Might give ‘er a bit of Colin lurrrrving … init?’



‘The truth, man.’



‘Ave to turn dis off, man.’ He bent down to the games console and started pushing the cables under the television. He switched off the machine and pushed it against the wall. ‘My mum gets pissed if I leave it on.’



‘But it’s yours.’



‘Init.’



Colin looked in the mirror over the fireplace and pulled at his hair; some of the spikes had flattened. He frowned at the spot on the side of his face. Marvin watched, sprawled on the chair, one leg on the floor, the other over the arm-rest. Colin walked from the lounge into the hall. He was gone for a moment before he put his head around the door.



‘You coming, you damn fool?’



Marvin raised his eyebrows, sat for a moment and sprang to his feet. ‘Yeah man, I thought you was in the bathroom.’





***




It was busy in the shopping arcade. Women, small children, old people and office workers all swirled around in a mixture of colours, sound and smell. On one side of the water feature was a group of teenage boys, on the other, teenage girls. They spoke at a furious rate, exaggerating their arm movements and leaping around. Each member watched for signs from the other side.



Something triggered the boys and they moved. The groups collided; they collided every day during half-term. Monkey noises were made, water was flicked, girls screamed and girls flushed rosy red. The girls moved forward and forced the boys back, before they settled and merged for the day. An invisible moat formed, cameras spun and the security guards’ radios crackled them into position. Alliances from yesterday were rediscovered as group members crossed into their cliques.



‘Hey, Sam. You alright, girl?’



‘I’m fine.’



He struggled to smell the cheap perfume through the thickening mucus of his oncoming cold. She had a distinctive smell and he wanted to remember it. He looked at her white trainers and bare ankles, her blue trousers and blue top. He moved his eyes over the contours of her bulging chest. The thin gold necklace, with teddy bear pendant, caught his eye. She held it out to him; it was a present from her mum and dad.



She looked at the muscles flexing on his arms as he spoke to her; his Adidas top, covering his broad chest; the silky looking bottoms over his thick legs; the immaculate white trainers with blue trim: they matched his wonderful eyes. She could see stubble appearing on his chin and over his lip. She watched his white teeth and moist tongue working in his mouth. She wanted to be kissed.



Marvin and Leah drifted into the crowd. Colin looked behind and saw the group had moved away a little. He noticed Sam follow his gaze and that she made no complaint or effort to rejoin them. They looked at each other. Colin stepped forward and put his arms around her. He pushed his tongue in her mouth and they stood with their heads cocked to one side, moving rhythmically and in time with their passion. Shouts and wolf-whistles came from the group and then faded.



‘Let’s go outside,’ said Colin. They saw the group had moved even further away and was showing no interest in them.



She considered and then nodded. He took her hand and they made their way through the torrent of bodies. He marched her through the coffee shop, to a door that lead outside. He stepped onto the pavement; she stopped in the doorway.



‘What’s a matter?’



She looked at the trees waving in the wind. There was a touch of rain in the air and it was dark. The overflow car park had a few cars in it; she watched a man and woman walk a small child away and around the corner. ‘It’s raining.’



He held his hand out. ‘Nahhhh. It’s hardly spitting. It’ll stop soon. Come on.’ He pulled at her hand but she tugged back. She smiled at him. He moved his head to one side and blinked.



‘It looks a bit cold out there,’ she said.



He turned and looked at the trees opposite. ‘We’ll go under the trees. It won’t be windy in there.’



‘I don’t know,’ she said.



He stepped up to her and they started kissing. He broke it off. ‘Warm now?’



‘Yeahhhh,’ she said.



‘Come on then, let’s go.’ He sniffed and spat on the floor.



‘Yeah but …’



She watched him walk into the car park. He turned, smiled and waved her towards him. She looked back into the coffee shop at the people sitting and drinking. She followed after him. He walked on and let her catch up. He took her hand and they made their way towards the trees.



‘I don’t think we should go in there,’ she said.



‘Why not?’



‘It might be … dangerous. There might be people in there.’



‘Don’t be daft,’ he said, looking around. ‘It’s raining. Who would go in there? Come on.’



He took her hand and led her into the trees. They walked for a short way until they came across a wire fence that marked the end of the centre’s land. Past the boundary, it was overgrown and someone had thrown a trolley into the bushes.



He glanced around.



She looked and thought that anyone who was in the overflow would be able to see them. She hoped that he might touch her. She worried that a security guard would see them and tell them to get out. She remembered her dad parking just a few feet away as they all went shopping. She thought someone they knew might see her in the woods and tell her parents.



He angled his head and started to kiss her. She could feel the occasional large drop hitting her head, but she stopped worrying as the pleasure took hold. She forgot about the sound of the tree creaking as she stepped back and felt the strength of its mighty trunk. The trees expanded and formed a complete barrier against the outside world as he started to touch her bottom and then her breasts. This was it, this was what growing up was all about.



He rubbed against her and she could feel the bulge in his trousers. The thought of this excited her and made her feel even more like an adult. Her fifteen years moved up into the twenties like the milometer in a car.



She stiffened as she felt his hand move down and unzip his flies. Her eyes opened as she felt him fumble with her hand and move it to his penis. She was enjoying the kissing and touching and thought it would stop there. She felt the hardness in her hand and wanted to look down, but he was kissing hard, moving his face from side to side. She moaned as she felt his hands take hold of the top of her trousers. She pulled her face away but he followed it. She pulled away more sharply and mumbled:



‘What are you doing?’



‘Nothing.’



His tongue pushed into her mouth and she felt him tug her trousers. She tried to speak. He pulled her trousers and knickers down as far as he could and withdrew his tongue. His blue eyes looked inside her, before he pushed his face between her breasts and yanked her clothing to her knees. She watched the top of his head rise from her chest and his spotty face plunge back into hers. The gaps in the trees had blown wide open and the lights of the arcade were like floodlights at a football match. She gasped as he pulled his trousers down. She watched a man walk to his car and open the door. Her shriek was muffled as Colin pushed himself in. It was a solid force that had invaded and she could make no move to force it back out; every time he pushed in, she collapsed and let him inside. He sighed as he moved in and out. He stopped and coughed on her shoulder, before carrying on. She stood still, her hands frozen on the muscles on the back of his arm. She watched the man in the car watching her watching him. His face, lit by a lamppost, had an unnatural glow and she could not make out his features.



Colin groaned and slowed to a stop. He removed his mouth and pulled himself away.



‘Phew!’ he said. ‘That was damn good.’



She saw the beads of sweat on his forehead. He stepped back, watching her as he pulled up his trousers. She caught a glimpse of his penis before he thrust it back inside his pants. He made a fist and wiped his nose. He was smiling.



‘Better pull your trousers up, gal.’



She watched the man in the car as she bent to lift her knickers. She could see where Colin had leaked down the inside of her leg. She pulled her knickers and trousers up and over it.



‘Let’s go back in and catch up,’ said Colin.



She nodded and followed him towards the door. They passed the car. She could feel the man’s eyes watching her.



They joined up with their friends. Colin made straight for Marvin, nodding his head; Marvin gave him high-five. Sam stood next to Leah.



‘I’m not gonna ask where you’ve been, yo hussy.’



Sam nodded. She could feel her childhood slipping into her trainers.




© thegeeza (thegeeza on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 3842
Archived comments for New Woman
bluepootle on 2003-12-12 05:24:42
Re: New Woman
great last line. I think you really captured how youth can move freely between feeling mature and like a baby in seconds. Lines like '..up into the twenties like a milometer in a car' make that veering of emotion clear and succinct.

The subject of violence against women seems to be cropping up everywhere at the moment, and I'm not sure what you add to that debate with this, but I'm interested in the great writing, and that's what held my attention even though I could see where it was going and felt uneasy about that.

Author's Reply:

e-griff on 2003-12-12 05:33:24
Re: New Woman
excellent writing. but for me this was too predictable, and the 'message' I got at the end not as deep or effective as it could have been. I didn't CARE if you can see what I mean, no linger-factor at all. G 🙂

Author's Reply:

richa on 2003-12-12 06:16:43
Re: New Woman
I enjoyed this piece. I liked the way you described her, distanced from the act she was involved in.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 06:31:43
Re: New Woman
Thanks, bp.

Does it read as "violent"? It was supposed to convey something that went out of control - rather than a delberate "attack". A selfishness and desire to do something on one character's part that was just much more advanced in its aim than the female character. I.e, she wanted to do something, but not to that level - or perhaps she did, but just couldn't acknowledge that it was actually happening.
That's what I was trying to convey.

Steve.


Author's Reply:

petersjm on 2003-12-12 06:55:11
Re: New Woman
As bluepootle said, that was a terrific final sentence. Yes, the climax was apparent from very early on, but I don't think it became an anti-climax because of it. It's true it's a topic that is probably over done these days, but what could you do with the words you were lumbered with?

I liked it. Well done.

Author's Reply:

dancing-queen on 2003-12-12 06:57:44
Re: New Woman
I thought that was a good piece of writing, Geeza - and I think you captured the essence of teenage life really well (teenagers of today, that is). I wouldn't have dared in my time!

No, I don't think it came across as violent - just honest - that's how teenage boys tend to be. It's horrible, really, when you think about it, as that's not how it should be. But being immature teens, what do you expect, eh?

I'm sure there are a lot of teenagers out there who'd relate to this (unfortunately). It seems to be the norm these days - which is a scary thought, being the mother of a 15 yr old!!! Arrrggh!

DQ



Author's Reply:

Bee on 2003-12-12 07:42:31
Re: New Woman
Nobody does brutal realism as well. It's a frightening glimpse of the shallowness of so many young lives. I don't know how you do it but you manage to make us sympathetic to your characters even though they are such impoverished little buggers. Last line a poet's dream.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:04:00
Re: New Woman
I think not caring is probably how most people look at the fumblings and experiences of young people these days - which is maybe why they grow up like they do! (Which is not a comment on your comment - just a point).

It was predictable - yes - but, sometimes it doesn't have to be unpredictable, does it?


Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:04:43
Re: New Woman
Thanks, Richa.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:18:35
Re: New Woman
Thanks, PJ. Appreciated.

I could have covered worse subjects with those words - that's for sure. As we thought at the UKA meeting!


Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:23:13
Re: New Woman
My thoughts fell in this direction when I was telling someone I planned to lock up my daughter when she is that sort of age - and being only two and a half now, perhaps by then, it'll be at an even ealier age. Although I was joking, I was hoping she might become a nun - not a sadistic one - a "proper" one.

Kids seem to play these adult games earlier and earlier - makes my skin crawl.

Thanks for your comments, DQ!


Author's Reply:

flash on 2003-12-12 08:32:16
Re: New Woman
Poor old Sam, that will give her something to fondly remember in her later years, who said romance was dead?

Good story handled well, the act of intimacy was described coldly and bluntly. The harsh reality was almost brutal for the girl almost like she was in shock during the act, and i felt sympathy for her and can only try to imagine the sorrow and emptyness she might feel later when the full impact of what happened hits her.

Another good one Steve,potential to be longer in my opinion, with the girl realising just how callous her dream boy is.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:47:43
Re: New Woman
Thanks for your kind words, Bee.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 08:53:39
Re: New Woman
Thanks, Alan. Appreciated.

I guess there are real teenage girls lining up all over the world with their glossy teen magazines, waiting for their shocking disappointments. Who said I was a cynic ...



Author's Reply:

kenochi on 2003-12-12 09:07:51
Re: New Woman
hi steve,

i thought you told this story well, it had the usual descriptive detail which i associate with your stuff and that made it seem real - I could picture most of the 'action'. Like Griff though I did find it a bit predictable. It didn't shake me out of my comfort zone or surprise me in any way, but all round a good, solid Geeza piece.

Author's Reply:

KDR on 2003-12-12 09:22:01
Re: New Woman
This was good - if a little depressing! Still, I guess that's how it is, these days - although looking back, I have to wonder if the people I knew were so very different...
For me, it highlighted the difference between the hopes that girls harbour, and the ambitions of most teenage lads. It's also true that basically decent girls always seem to go for the sort of kid that Colin really is.

A few minor points: "...colours, sound and smell." Shouldn't they all be plural?
Repetition: "Girls screamed and girls flushed rosy red. The girls..."
Maybe you could change this to something like "some of the girls screamed and (others) flushed rosy red, before advancing..."?
Also, "The overflow car park..." Was that meant to be 'overflowing' or was it actually describing a space that is only used when the main area gets full?
Like I say, little niggles by comparison to how gritty and well told the story is, especially as it was woven from just three little words. 🙂

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 09:47:14
Re: New Woman
Thanks, Mark. Yeah, no surprises. He could've turned into a gentleman - and maybe she could've been sex-mad - but I wanted to keep it as real as possible this time. Any twist would've taken realism away.
Ta for your feedback ....
Steve.


Author's Reply:

chant on 2003-12-12 10:11:42
Re: New Woman
well, i whirled through this one and found it thoroughly enjoyable. thought the opening could be have been embellished a bit. these are girls getting ready to go out. they'll take ages doing it. can we linger with them a bit longer? am also not sure how accurate this story is. girls glossy magazines are packed full of sex tips these days, and i suspect they know a lot more about it than boys of an equivalent age. i'd also have liked it if you'd put boredom, insecurity (esp about personal appearance) and (female) peer pressure on the map in this story a bit more strongly. and also given us less directives about how to feel about the male characters - can we not make him a spotty, post-sex hawker?! some of the dialogue i thought was spot on - liked the what you doing / nothing exchange especially. and some of it felt a bit heavy-handed - i see we've got a compulsory 'init' here, and a 'yo', and i know what you're trying to do, but am not sure you're making the full journey, if you see what i mean. still, damned fine!

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 10:52:46
Re: New Woman
I've thought things have worsened in this area since I was that age - and I'm only 32! But people have probably thought things are getting worse ever since humans started thinking about their society!

For the points:
I think "...a mixture of colours, sound and smell" sounds better than the plural form.

The "girls" - the first repetition was deliberate. The following sentence - perhaps - although the alternative is "they" - which may work as it interacts with "boys". I shall have a ponder on that - thanks.

"Overflow car park" is an term I've seen often, referring to the area when the main car park is full - like you say. Usually not busy.

Thanks for you feedback, Karl.

Steve.


Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-12 10:57:52
Re: New Woman
Thanks, Chant.

It could definitely be expanded, but I wanted to keep the word count down and get straight into the action, through it and out the other end. A bit like Colin, I guess. So, quick snippet of him and her getting ready - quick look at their groups - then out into the woods and back again.

You could turn it into a novella by showing them in detail beforehand and some of the aftermath of her going home "soiled" and speaking with her dad or something... right enough.

Thanks for your comments!


Author's Reply:

chant on 2003-12-16 06:08:08
Re: New Woman
fair dos, g. following your comments had the further thought it might have been an interesting narrative device to relate the parts following Colin in a crisp, snappy style (as you do), and relate those following the girl slowly and in more detail so that the narrative style reflects their different mindsets with regard to sex - Colin's very much a quick in and out thing, the girl wanting something more prolonged.

Author's Reply:

TheGeeza on 2003-12-16 14:09:45
Re: New Woman
Yep ... good idea: giving Colin one paragraph in one style and Sam one paragraph in a different style altogether, perhaps.

I tried to capture their attitudes along those lines when one paragraph reveals only: "He glanced around." Whereas the following paragraph gives her more detail for the same worry.

Ta, for your feedback Chant.


Author's Reply: